Assorted Words
-This is where hip-hop is now. I should say popular hip-hop. Rick Ross is trying to prove to people that he was a cocaine trafficker, in order to be respected. This is negated by the fact that when he claimed to be a trafficker, he was actually a corrections officer. He's also claiming to have been in gangs. This has been refuted by his own lawyer and the police. He's really working hard to prove that he's not a good person, which I guess proves that he's not a good person. This is another example of the Crucial Element prophecy coming true.
-A lot of comics have fan pages on Facebook. I think it's a little presumptuous, but I feel the same way about business cards. So, my opinion may be stupid. I'm pretty sure that's the case. If I can convince myself that I have a stupid opinion for the next week, be on the lookout for "The Ryan Conner Groupie Outreach Program" on Facebook. I asked my friend, Erica, if she would join a group with that name. She said, "As long as I'm not the only member." That's my fear.
-I was recently in Concord, MA, for a couple college shows. Concord is the birthplace of the American Revolution, and the home to Nathanial Hawthorne (The Scarlett Letter), Henry David Thoreau (Walden), Ralph Waldo Emerson (A lot of famous poems), Louisa May Alcott (Little Women), and a couple other famous authors. I did the sightseeing thing all over Concord. But first, I did a little research on the authors, to find out their relationships to one another. On each author's Wikipedia page, there were quotes by and about them. Some of which were about their contemporaries. That's how I stumbled upon this gem:
Nathanial "The Dick" Hawthorne, on his good buddy, Henry David Thoreau:
Thoreau is as ugly as sin, long-nosed, queer-mouthed, and with uncouth and rustic, though courteous manners, corresponding very well with such an exterior. But his ugliness is of an honest and agreeable fashion, and becomes him much better than beauty."
Seriously, what a dick. Sure, Thoreau had that hideous neck-beard, but it was 140 years ago. Everyone had at least one fucked up aspect of their appearance. Rumor has it that Lincoln had three nipples. And, why publish the insult? This was said 140 years ago, and it's still available. How ugly do you have to be/how much of an asshole do your friends have to be for their insults to stick for 140 years? I'll give Hawthorne one thing here. Although he's a dick, he's eloquent. He could have just said, "Hey Henry. You're fuckin' ugly, son. But it works for you." And "queer-mouthed"? I don't know what a queer mouth looks like, but can we please bring that insult back?
This prompted me to check the Wikipedia pages of Emerson and Alcott, where I found the following quotes from Hawthorne:
Hey Louisa. You look like a slut, although not nearly as slutty as yesterday. Either way, I wouldn't fuck you with Edith Wharton's dick.
What's up, Ralph? Nice top-coat. Do they make it for men? No, seriously, did it come with a butt-plug, or did you have to buy it separately?
The last two may or may not have been made up.
-If you're into politics, have you noticed that Senator Inhoffe, of Oklahoma, is basically David Duke, without the racism?
-I drove past my old college campus last night. They've installed a new teletron on the roadside. Good purchase when funds have been cut. There was an advertisement for their homecoming game and block party. The theme is "No one has swagger like us." This made me want to return my diploma.
The swagger song sounds exactly like a 2001 Crucial Element song. Once again, the Crucial Element prophecy...
It's not just that a university is quoting a shitty song, it's the use of swagger that bothers me. My friend, Al, and I have been high on "swagger" for well over two years now. Now it's all over the place. Everyone is talking about swagger, but it's bullshit. Al and I started talking about it when Pope Benedict "The Nazi Sympathizer Sympathizer" was named pope. We had an issue with the fact that he has no swagger. You want a pope to have swagger. Pope John Paul II didn't have it either. Regardless, that's something you want in a pope.
We're going to go through swagger and false swagger for different genres. False swagger doesn't necessarily mean they're bad at what they do. It just means that people think they have swagger, when they have no such thing.
Politics
Swagger:
Obama, Reagan
False Swagger:
George W Bush (Just because you clear brush and ignore common wisdom, doesn't mean you have swagger), Keith Olbermann (too intense)
Keith Olbermann should shave his head, to fall in line with my theory that 99% of white guys with shaved heads are really intense.
Swagger Neutral:
Tony Blair, Colin Powell, Bill Clinton
Someone like Clinton, although unflappable, doesn't classify as having swagger because he's too personable. To have swagger, you can't seem like a guy who would host a barbecue. You have to be the guy who shows up two hours late, without drinks, and everyone offers you their beer.
Sports
Swagger:
Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Joe Montana, Phil Jackson, Dwayne Wade, Theirry Henry, Merton Hanks
The difference between swaggerful and swaggerless star athletes is whether or not they seek attention, or attention comes to them. The ones with swagger always get the job done, and don't seek out attention. Attention finds them.
False Swagger:
LeBron James, Shaq, Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, Cristiano Ronaldo
Swagger Neutral:
Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, John Stockton, Luol Deng, Paul Pierce, Stephen Gerrard
Music
Swagger:
Patti Smith, David Bowie, Jim Morrison, Prince, John Lennon, Ron Isley, Thom York, Shock G
False Swagger:
Bono, Steven Tyler, Chris Martin, Lil Wayne (although outside of his public persona, I think he's probably really cool), Beyonce
Swagger Neutral:
Chris Cornell, Mos Def, Billy Corgan, Lou Reed, Jay-Z (too personable)
Actors
Swagger:
Anthony Hopkins, Daniel Day Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio (controversial choice), Vince Vaughn
False Swagger:
Russell Crowe, Vin Diesel, Jessica Alba, Hugh Grant
Swagger Neutral:
Tom Hanks, Natalie Portman, Kate Winslett
Most Swagger Ever
Jack Kerouac, Frank Sinatra, Isaac Hayes
-A lot of comics have fan pages on Facebook. I think it's a little presumptuous, but I feel the same way about business cards. So, my opinion may be stupid. I'm pretty sure that's the case. If I can convince myself that I have a stupid opinion for the next week, be on the lookout for "The Ryan Conner Groupie Outreach Program" on Facebook. I asked my friend, Erica, if she would join a group with that name. She said, "As long as I'm not the only member." That's my fear.
-I was recently in Concord, MA, for a couple college shows. Concord is the birthplace of the American Revolution, and the home to Nathanial Hawthorne (The Scarlett Letter), Henry David Thoreau (Walden), Ralph Waldo Emerson (A lot of famous poems), Louisa May Alcott (Little Women), and a couple other famous authors. I did the sightseeing thing all over Concord. But first, I did a little research on the authors, to find out their relationships to one another. On each author's Wikipedia page, there were quotes by and about them. Some of which were about their contemporaries. That's how I stumbled upon this gem:
Nathanial "The Dick" Hawthorne, on his good buddy, Henry David Thoreau:
Thoreau is as ugly as sin, long-nosed, queer-mouthed, and with uncouth and rustic, though courteous manners, corresponding very well with such an exterior. But his ugliness is of an honest and agreeable fashion, and becomes him much better than beauty."
Seriously, what a dick. Sure, Thoreau had that hideous neck-beard, but it was 140 years ago. Everyone had at least one fucked up aspect of their appearance. Rumor has it that Lincoln had three nipples. And, why publish the insult? This was said 140 years ago, and it's still available. How ugly do you have to be/how much of an asshole do your friends have to be for their insults to stick for 140 years? I'll give Hawthorne one thing here. Although he's a dick, he's eloquent. He could have just said, "Hey Henry. You're fuckin' ugly, son. But it works for you." And "queer-mouthed"? I don't know what a queer mouth looks like, but can we please bring that insult back?
This prompted me to check the Wikipedia pages of Emerson and Alcott, where I found the following quotes from Hawthorne:
Hey Louisa. You look like a slut, although not nearly as slutty as yesterday. Either way, I wouldn't fuck you with Edith Wharton's dick.
What's up, Ralph? Nice top-coat. Do they make it for men? No, seriously, did it come with a butt-plug, or did you have to buy it separately?
The last two may or may not have been made up.
-If you're into politics, have you noticed that Senator Inhoffe, of Oklahoma, is basically David Duke, without the racism?
-I drove past my old college campus last night. They've installed a new teletron on the roadside. Good purchase when funds have been cut. There was an advertisement for their homecoming game and block party. The theme is "No one has swagger like us." This made me want to return my diploma.
The swagger song sounds exactly like a 2001 Crucial Element song. Once again, the Crucial Element prophecy...
It's not just that a university is quoting a shitty song, it's the use of swagger that bothers me. My friend, Al, and I have been high on "swagger" for well over two years now. Now it's all over the place. Everyone is talking about swagger, but it's bullshit. Al and I started talking about it when Pope Benedict "The Nazi Sympathizer Sympathizer" was named pope. We had an issue with the fact that he has no swagger. You want a pope to have swagger. Pope John Paul II didn't have it either. Regardless, that's something you want in a pope.
We're going to go through swagger and false swagger for different genres. False swagger doesn't necessarily mean they're bad at what they do. It just means that people think they have swagger, when they have no such thing.
Politics
Swagger:
Obama, Reagan
False Swagger:
George W Bush (Just because you clear brush and ignore common wisdom, doesn't mean you have swagger), Keith Olbermann (too intense)
Keith Olbermann should shave his head, to fall in line with my theory that 99% of white guys with shaved heads are really intense.
Swagger Neutral:
Tony Blair, Colin Powell, Bill Clinton
Someone like Clinton, although unflappable, doesn't classify as having swagger because he's too personable. To have swagger, you can't seem like a guy who would host a barbecue. You have to be the guy who shows up two hours late, without drinks, and everyone offers you their beer.
Sports
Swagger:
Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Joe Montana, Phil Jackson, Dwayne Wade, Theirry Henry, Merton Hanks
The difference between swaggerful and swaggerless star athletes is whether or not they seek attention, or attention comes to them. The ones with swagger always get the job done, and don't seek out attention. Attention finds them.
False Swagger:
LeBron James, Shaq, Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, Cristiano Ronaldo
Swagger Neutral:
Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, John Stockton, Luol Deng, Paul Pierce, Stephen Gerrard
Music
Swagger:
Patti Smith, David Bowie, Jim Morrison, Prince, John Lennon, Ron Isley, Thom York, Shock G
False Swagger:
Bono, Steven Tyler, Chris Martin, Lil Wayne (although outside of his public persona, I think he's probably really cool), Beyonce
Swagger Neutral:
Chris Cornell, Mos Def, Billy Corgan, Lou Reed, Jay-Z (too personable)
Actors
Swagger:
Anthony Hopkins, Daniel Day Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio (controversial choice), Vince Vaughn
False Swagger:
Russell Crowe, Vin Diesel, Jessica Alba, Hugh Grant
Swagger Neutral:
Tom Hanks, Natalie Portman, Kate Winslett
Most Swagger Ever
Jack Kerouac, Frank Sinatra, Isaac Hayes
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 11:49 AM
4 Comments:
I love this post, it's a great topic for discussion. Anyway, in the sports category, I think you have to have Kevin Garnett in the False Swagger category. Merton Hanks is a great sleeper pick for Sawgger by the way.
Just a word in defense of Facebook Fan Pages. (Or, at least the reason I have mine). Facebook is too stalkery for me to be completly comfortable giving it to strangers. (I've got my phone number on the main page, since my best friends use facebook as a rolex). So, fan pages are a nice buffer for people that enjoyed shows and want to keep up. Just a word from the other side.
I agree with you about Garnett. I should have included him. I also think that Tony Parker teeters on having swagger.
Jimmy, you're completely right.
I would put Natalie Portman under "Swaggar" and I would put Samuel L. Jackson and Robert Downey Jr. under "Most Swaggar Ever".
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