Entitlements

Warning: This one isn't that funny, but it's interesting.

Okay, so government entitlement programs are good. They help people in need. I don't think the problems are with the programs themselves, but with the people who abuse the system. 

The obvious recent example of this is the crazy couple who just had octuplets, while they already had six kids at home. If you're keeping track, that's 14 kids, zero jobs, no income other than welfare. Everyone is stuck with their bills. And we can't not give them the money. If we don't, how will the kids eat, learn, go to college, and not end up like their parents? It sucks, but we HAVE to support people like this. If we don't, we're neglecting the needs of the children, just as the parents are. 

My uncle, and good friend, is mentally-retarded. He isn't stereotypically retarded though (I don't know how else to say it). You wouldn't know by looking at him, except that he pulls his pants up a little too high. He had brain-damage as a baby. His mother abandoned him, and my grandparents adopted him. He's a great guy. He works very hard, and loves his job. He makes enough money so that he doesn't need to receive disability. However, most retarded people need disability because they aren't capable of working a job that pays a living wage. They deserve that help. They didn't do anything to deserve their mental handicap.

Both of those cases make sense. Taxpayers HAVE to help the crazy couple with fourteen kids, and we have a responsibility to take care of those who are mentally or physically challenged. But today, I found out an example of complete abuse of the system. I don't want to go into details, but I spoke to a woman who was huge. Really huge. She said she lost a lot of weight recently. 16 pounds. 16 pounds on her is the equivalent of when you or I clip our fingernails. She bragged that she lost the weight because - I swear I'm not making this up - she went on an all chicken pot pie diet. Nothing but chicken pot pies, and she lost weight. Who prescribed that diet? Does Boston Market have a weight loss program? Was she on an all cheesecake diet before? Then I asked someone else what this woman does for a living. She doesn't work. Hasn't in years. She gets paid disability. Not because she can't mentally hold a job, although she doesn't exactly have it together. Not because she got shot in war. Not because she has black-lung. She gets disability because she's fat. How did we get to a point where we give people money for being too fat? "You ate sooo much, here's some money for your troubles." If we're going to do that, we should put the money on a mechanical arm at a race track and make her run after it, like a horse after carrots. Eventually, she won't need that money. Then we can still make her run around the track, chasing carrots, so she doesn't get back into that position. I just don't understand why we have to give someone money because they eat too much. If eating too much is your skill, become a competitive eater. Makes no sense to me. I don't understand how anyone has the gall to decide, "I'm going to get so fat, the government will have to give me money." It's ridiculous. I can't believe it's an option.

I don't want a job either. That's why I do comedy. Not wanting a job is the primary reason. I don't want to have to be somewhere Monday-Friday. I had no idea that an alternative to comedy would be to just eat a lot of cake. If I ever retire from comedy, I guess I'll go on a chicken pot pie diet, just to keep the checks coming in.

Don't tell me it could be glandular.