You do what with what?

-According to this article, from Scientific American, there is a procedure in the UK in which women somehow inject baby foreskins into their faces to make their skin smooth. Something like that. I could only get through the first two paragraphs. It was a very uncomfortable read. It's the medical equivalent of a "Tranny Surprise*." I'm going to have nightmares about this.

How did they come up with this? I don't know how they put 2 and 2 together on this one. How did the first woman to get this procedure reconcile with the fact that her face would be filled with baby penis? Do they use their own baby's foreskin? That's another good question. I'm putting myself in that position, pretending to be a woman who just gave birth, and chose to circumcise the baby. The doctor asks, "Do you want the foreskin?"

"No. Why would I want it?"

"I don't know. We thought maybe you would want to put it on your face to look young or something."

"On my face? With tape? Staples? How on my face?"

"I don't know. An injection of some sort."

"No. Keep it."

"Okay. We'll put it on someone else's face."

"If that's the case, I'll throw it away myself. My baby's penis isn't going to be on a woman's face until he's had sex-ed."

And the person who first realized its possibilities... "Hold on, you've been doing what with the foreskins? Throwing them away? Are you out of your mind? Keep them. Just trust me... We're gonna be rich."

It's like the South Park Underpants Gnomes - Step 1: Collect Underpants, Step 2: ?, Step 3: Profit. I wouldn't be surprised if that's how this came about. They're like, "We have this resource. We just need to figure out how to market it. Calamari substitute? No, that wouldn't work. Rings? No, kind of gross. Fuck it, I give up. Why don't we just inject them into women's faces and tell them it's the Fountain of Youth? I don't know... Actually, that just might work. Now I just have to figure out how to sell my dog's shit."

-I did shows in Baltimore last weekend. The club, Magooby's, was cool. If you haven't been to Baltimore, allow me to sum up its residents. As I left the show on Saturday night, I pulled out of the parking lot behind a (whatever it's called when you raise the suspension - raised?) Jeep Cherokee with a huge decal on the back window, which read "BALLS DEEP." That will be popular when they go to mom's house for Thanksgiving. About one mile up the road, I saw a truck with "SHOW TWAT" written in the dirt on the back windshield. I'm sure a lot of women are reading it and thinking, "I never thought of it like that. Pretty convincing argument, and usage of a word that no one ever uses ever. Here it is! Take a look2!"

At one of the shows, a 70-year-old woman was celebrating her birthday. The headliner asked her something. Not sure what. The old woman replied, "I need a dick." I swear this happened. When she said that, my body felt like I was chewing on aluminum foil. I almost had a miscarriage. If this woman has grandchildren, she shouldn't be allowed to ever see them again. I'm close to saying she should be arrested. I can't even imagine a worse phrase to come out of the mouth of a 70-year-old woman. The grossest thing any of my grandparents have ever said around me was when my grandma described her knee-replacement surgery. That's how it should be.

-Bands:

I want to open for Menomena on their next tour. Menomena, if you're out there, I will do this for free.

An ASCAP magazine is sitting next to me (my roommate is in ASCAP). Kings of Leon and The Killers are on the cover. Their images have really changed over the past couple years. These pictures are crazy.  Two members of Kings of Leon look like they're in a Hanson spin-off. One looks like he's auditioning for a role in Deadwood as "The Town Gay." The other looks like he teaches a chemistry lab. The Killers are a hodge-podge of hot mess. One guy looks like he's in Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire are Canadian. They can get away with it, somehow. The next guy looks like Buffalo Bill, if he was friends with a trapper, or didn't mind spending a lot of money on furs. The guy to his right looks like a wedding DJ.  And the last guy looks like a WWF jobber from the 80s. He would be on a Saturday morning show. Jim Ross would yell, "We've got the Undertaker squaring up with Bo "The Wrangler" Harris. Business is about to pick up."

-Rhetorical Question, that's much more repulsive to guys: You're on a first date with someone. They make an odd facial expression. You ask if everything is okay. They respond, "I'm just so backed up from all those devilled eggs." What percent chance do they have of getting a second date?

* Tranny Surprise - You're on a website. You click on a link. The wrong link. Next thing you know, there's a tranny on your screen. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, there's an awkward pause as you trace the body parts to see where they're coming from, like you're sorting wires behind a TV. Then you discover it's a tranny. Then your day is ruined. Unless you're Jay Hastings.