Blog for the night...

- I'm watching Spinal Tap as I write this. One of my favorite parts of the movie is the performance of "Big-Bottom." I didn't notice until my third time watching the movie, but everyone is playing bass on the song, and the bass player is playing a double-neck bass. So there are four total basses in the song. No treble whatsoever. Look it up on the YouTube. It's hysterical.

- My step-dad's 60th birthday was this weekend. I went home for it. There were about 80 people in the house. It was active. It felt like a pep-rally. I was in the basement, with my brothers, cousins, an aunt and uncle, and two people who go to church with my parents. We were watching the NCAA tournament, when an erectile dysfunction commercial came on. My aunt said to me and a couple brothers that it's really awkward when those commercials come on when she's watching with her kids (the youngest is in 10th grade). She said, "They say that if an erection lasts four hours, you should contact a doctor, and I'm sitting there with Chandler, pretending I didn't just hear that. And who's going to go to the doctor for that anyway?" (One of the hackiest jokes in the book is, "... tell a doctor? If it lasts four hours, I'm telling everyone I know." Then the hack gets an applause break.) So, I was hoping the conversation didn't go there. It didn't. Instead, when she asked who would go to a doctor for that, one of my brothers proudly announced, "I would. I'd walk in with my shirt tucked in. 'You know why I'm here.'" At this point, it's funny, but not really awkward. Then it was my turn to speak. I said, "If you go to the hospital for that, what's the treatment anyway?" Then everyone laughed. But it was awkward laughter, because everyone was picturing a doctor having to tame an erection. I wasn't trying to make a joke though. I seriously wanted to know what a doctor does to calm an erection. I asked my brother next to me if the doctor shows you a DVD of "Golden Girls." Then I was back to making everyone feel awkward. I couldn't let it go until someone told me how a doctor treats an erection. No one told me, and I'm still asking around. If it's the only thing I can think of, I'm going to start showing up at the hospital for a co-pay blow-job. $15? Deal. Prostitution? No, it's medical.

This isn't the most awkward thing I've done around family recently. Frequent readers may recall me giving a wedding toast for one of my brothers, which detailed every fight he had ever been in. That's it. There was no anecdote.  There was no moral. It was just, "Listen to this shit... Badass, right? Yeah, don't fuck with him." Incredibly awkward. I'm not good with situations.

-I saw a guy at the DMV, and he looked ridiculous. He had the "I'm a white guy, but I want black people to like me, and I think they'll only like me if I have a stupid chin-strap beard" beard. The worst part of his get-up was he had rubber bands around the cuffs of his pants, apparently to showcase his shoes. His plain black shoes. NEVER DO THIS. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT.

I guarantee this guy was there to get his license reinstated. I also guarantee that he's at least pretty good at spades and tunk.

I hope he couldn't find the rubber bands when he went to Staples, and had to ask for help.

"Where the rubber bands at?"

"Let's see, what size do you need?"

"Uh, like [puts his hands around his ankles to measure] this big."

- My close-personal-lady-friend was sick over the weekend. Yesterday (Sunday), I took her to the Minute Clinic at CVS, which is basically Urgent Care. The Minute Clinic took three hours. That sounds about right. It was just a regular medical exam, but some of the questions were bizarre. The doctor asked, "Where is the pain?" 

"Throat, sinuses, ears, and head."

Okay, that's a normal question. Seemed like the answer provided sufficient information.

"How would you describe the pain?"

Describe the pain? Lyrically? In a sonnet? What does that question mean? My girlfriend just said, "Describe it? There is pain in my throat, sinuses, ears, and head. The pain hurts. I don't know." I would have really liked it if she described it like a bad war novel or Dickens. A haiku would have worked as well. How do you describe the pain beyond, "It hurts"?

-Worst Sky Mall item in this month's issue: BBQ Branding Iron - $79.95. "You can brand your own meat!"

It's an iron brand that you put your initials on. That way, you serve someone a steak, and your, yes YOUR initials will be on the steak. How much would you pay for such a thing? $200 $5,000? Well, you can have one today for only $79.95 and a lack of ambition for anything in life.