Wait a minute... Are they pandering?

-Before the meat of the blog, I have a theory on this week's "LOST." I think that LaFleur guy is actually Sawyer. But don't quote me on that.

-I figured out the metaphor for the Republican party's recent pandering - Sarah Palin, Michael Steele, Bobby Jindal.

Recap:

Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination. As a result, the Republicans named Sarah Palin their VP candidate.

Barack Obama was elected president. The Republicans named one of their six black members, Michael Steele, the chair of their party.

Barack Obama is not white, and the son of a non-American. The Republicans name Indian-American Bobby Jindal their prodigal son.

The Republicans seem to always be a step behind. Actual conservatives, not party-whackos, are furious about Palin and Steele, and open to Jindal, although not necessarily excited. It has nothing to do with ideas, only power. 

I just realized what they're doing. I mean, I've known what they're doing, but I just realized the parallel. Every day, I read that Michael Steele, the chairman of the RNC, has said something awkward, or had something awkward said about him. Examples:

1. Michelle "Let's Investigate Members of Congress for Being Anti-American" Bachman said of Steele, "You be da man! You be da man!" Wow, that's not offensive, unless you're trying to get actual black people to vote for you, instead of white people in black-face. They seem to think that black people tend to vote Democrat because of their vernacular, not policies. I'm waiting for Steele to say, "Corporate tax loop-holes are the shiz-nit."

2. Steele said the stimulus package is full of "bling."

3. Steele gave "slum-love" to Bobby Jindal. The fact that he did it on TV made it slightly worse than when I was in Panera with Sean Gabbert, and an Indian kid stood facing me. After a couple seconds, not thinking about what I was saying, I asked Sean if he had seen "Slumdog Millionaire." I followed the question up by saying, "It's really good."

4. Steele criticized Rush Limbaugh, then apologized to the "leader" the next day, saying he didn't really criticize him, even though he did so, and it was on TV. 

5. His plan to turn the Republican Party into "The Hip-Hop Party." Yes, that Republican Party. Kid 'n Play and everyone will be there. And they have a "License to Ill." You can't go straight from Toby Keith (an Obama supporter, by the way) to KRS-One.

The RNC didn't get the memo that not all fat people can cook. You can't get a job as a chef just because you like to eat. And in politics, you can't just look the part.

The Republican Party is the music industry, more specifically, the hip-hop industry, because it's run by people who don't understand it, but pander in waves until each pander runs out of relevance. For example, Nas will always be relevant, because he's honest. But the industry's flash-in-the-pan Nas knock-off will only be relevant until people realize he's full of shit.

When Hillary seemed like a viable candidate, but lost the primary, and her supporters seemed to have no one to vote for, Rep-a-Fella records saw an opportunity and put out a Sarah Palin album, even though she had no talent whatsoever. "People like women. Let's give 'em a woman." That's like when the industry saw that people loved Alicia Keys... but since she writes her own music, she only puts out an album every 2-3 years. Uh-oh, there's a gap. Rihanna.

Oh, what's that? Black people vote? Oh boy. Should we have a black candidate? No, but let's make a black guy the head of our party, even after he got killed in his Maryland Senate race. Let's let that guy run ALL of our campaigns. He's black. Black people win elections. Just not that one in Maryland. Yeah, but Obama is Coltrane, and Steele is Ja Rule. His best bet is to get in a couple shitty action movies with Jet Li. Actually, Steele is more like Rick Ross. Ross claims that he was in gangs, when records show he was a corrections officer. Steele doesn't realize it's not good to have been in gangs. Why does he awkwardly talk like that? It's like Stuart Scott on Sportscenter. There's no way he feels comfortable talking like that.

And the Bobby Jindal catastrophe... I haven't understood this for the past couple years. The guy is very smart, but has no ideas that Bush didn't have. And what a terrible speaker. He's the same formula as Steele, but instead of being Ja Rule/Rick Ross, he would be closer to Fergie. I just look at him and think, "What are you doing?"

-Percocet is crap. I was on it for a couple days because of my eye. Phil Jackson credits his understanding of basketball to a summer-long acid trip. Ken Kesey, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Hunter Thompson, Aldous Huxley, and countless others credit drugs for opening their minds. My most profound thought while on Percocet was pathetic. I was laying in bed for about 36 hours, because I wasn't allowed to look at things, when something popped into my head. I thought it was brilliant at the time. It wasn't. I asked my girlfriend, "Hey, is Clark Kent a reporter?"

"Yeah, Clark Kent is a reporter."

"And Peter Parker is a photographer?"

"Yes."

"Oh man. Things are gonna get rough. With newspaper circulation dropping, they're probably going to lose their jobs. Then comic books will get real. Peter Parker will have to be a wedding photographer. And Clark Kent will be in the unemployment line. Then he finally gets an interview, and half-way into it he finds out that a woman is being sexually assaulted. Does Superman help? He has bills to pay. Does he leave the interview to help, or does he just decide, 'She shouldn't be dressing like that if she didn't want it'? I think I'm going to get into comic books."

That's what Percocet did to me. Just say no.