Worst Jokes Ever

Last night I was in DC and did a show at Topaz, which is an open-mic that Curt Shackleford has been running for about 4 years. It's a great show. Anyway, he has an audience joke contest at the end of his shows, with a $25 cash prize. It's a good incentive to keep the crowd there.  The joke are usually very lame, but not pathetic. If a woman enters the contest, she wins by default. One time, a woman entered and didn't know that she would win by default, so she flashed the crowd.  "You mean I could have just stood here and said anything?" Yes.

Last night, I heard the worst jokes ever.

Contestant 1: Put me in a round room and tell me to find a corner.

That's not even a joke. And he mumbled it. No one understood him until he said it a second time. Then no one laughed. Everyone just kind of went, "Okay. Cool." After the show, he came up and asked if I've seen, "Canadian comedian Peter Russells." He meant Russell Peters.

Contestant 2: Chocolate? That's doodoo, baby!

His joke was quoting a Chappelle punchline. At this point, I was starting to think that ever laugh I got on stage was a laugh that I didn't want. When he said, "That's doodoo baby," the crowd was silent, except for me saying, "WHAT?!?"

Contestant 3: Your grandmother is so fat that she wore high-heels and struck oil.

At this point, Curt grabbed the mic and said, "We need someone else to tell a joke, because those were the lamest jokes I've ever heard. Seriously, really fuckin' bad, guys."

Contestant 4: Two atoms were hanging out. And one said, "Help, I'm losing electrons!" The other said, "Are you sure?" And he [assigning gender to the atom] said, "I'm positive."