This Just In...

-If you're looking for some new music to check out, I recommend Carina Round's "Things You Should Know." I just found it this morning. It's great. Only $5 at iTunes.

Now I'm going through old notes on my phone...

-I heard a guy say that a gay guy was hitting on him and it made him uncomfortable. Not me. Practically speaking, being hit on ("game spat," for my cool readers) by a woman makes more sense. But from an ego standpoint, I'd much rather be approached by a guy. That's peer respect. He's knows what's going on and is still interested. A woman has no idea. She's taking a shot in the dark. Big deal. It's like how I don't make money if comics like my comedy, but it's much more satisfying that comics like my stuff than for random audience members to like me. In this analogy, women can't spot a hack.

-I saw a guy standing at a bus stop with his thumb out, like he was hitchhiking. I'm not sure if he didn't understand how bus stops work, or if he just wanted to feel like he accomplished something. The bus rolls up, "Works every time."

-Whenever you see a bomb squad in a movie, trying to determine which wire to cut, it never makes sense to me. They're like, "Is it the red wire or the blue wire? Red or blue?" There's only two wires! Why are people who can't remember which wire to cut in this position to begin with? They didn't cover that in bomb squad school? It's like they only learned how to make dismantling a bomb more dramatic. Bomb squad school should be five seconds. You walk in, they say, "Cut red first." Bam. Certificate.

-My ladyfriend and I went on a mini-vacation last week. We went into a little art store in the town. They had some cool stuff, except for some stuff in the back, which would have fit in better at a Cracker Barrel or Claire's. We were standing towards the back, when an older woman started laughing hysterically. She called to her husband, "You have to see this. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen!" He looked at it, underwhelmed as she read the glass cat magnet aloud, "What part of MEOW don't you understand?" 

The husband, regretting his marriage, said, "Yep. Really funny. Good stuff."

"That is so good. What part of MEOW don't you understand? That's just like our cat."

No it's not. No cat is like that. Cat's don't have the ability to be snide. I can't stand people who act like their cat is a person, and I think claiming that your cat is sarcastic falls into this category.

We left the store a minute later and went next door to another art store, which was nothing like the first one. It was wildlife art, such as wooden duck decoys, the face of an owl burnt onto a stump, and paintings of wolves. The town we were in is famous for its wild pony population. There are about 150 wild ponies that roam the island. So most of the paintings in this huge store were of ponies. One was about 7'x4'. Enormous. It had about 50 "pony scenes" on it. Everything from ponies drinking water to ghost ponies flying a ship in the sky. It was incredible. If I had enough money, I would have bought it. We stood there, marveling at this painting, when an older man walked up and sarcastically said, "This is for someone who likes ponies." We laughed and agreed. Then he said, "This place has so much good stuff. I just don't have the wall space." Then we realized he wasn't being sarcastic, so we replied, "Yeah, good stuff."

Background info: My friend, Glen, and I have been collecting animal t-shirts for a few years now. It's a contest. Once one person buy a certain animal, the other person can't. Wolves are my specialty.

Then we walked around a little, until I stumbled upon the $5.99 clearance t-shirt rack. It was pony paintings on t-shirts. There were a lot of good ones, but I picked out the best. You can see it on my Facebook page. If the link doesn't work for you, it's a lime green shirt, with a Pony walking out of the ocean at night, in front of a purple sky. The inscription below the night pony is "You Light Up My Life." A better shirt hasn't been made since shirts first came out.

We walked to the register. A weird looking guy was working there. He was about 5'6", with medium-length black hair, which was balding on top. Aside from the balloons that were painted on his face (outdoor festival in the town), he looked downright sloppy. When I slid the shirt across the counter to him, he paused, looking at it closely. "Is this for your wife" he asked.

She and I both almost started laughing. It's hard to buy something like this while pretending you like it. So I couldn't even say enough words to let him know that she isn't my wife. All I could say was, "It's for me."

"Oh, okay. The reason I asked is because I originally painted this for my wife. That's why it says 'You Light Up My Life.'"

There was an awkward pause, which my girlfriend filled with, "That's so sweet." We both almost lost it then, but stayed composed.

"She was my high school sweetheart, but I married her 22 years after high school. So... yeah... I painted this pony for her."

I had to say something. All I could come up with was, "And for all of us," while opening my arms, gesturing towards all of his customers.

"Yeah, but originally for my wife."

"Right." Then I pointed to the shirt and said, "I like the colors." I don't know what that meant. I just wanted the conversation to end.

Then he picked it back up by asking, "Do you want me to sign it?"

"That would be fantastic."

"Do you want me to write your name on it too?"

And in a response that I immediately regretted, I said, "That's okay."

Then we left.

The funniest part about this was he painted her a picture of a pony. She probably saw it and said, "Oh great, another fucking pony. I'll put it with the other 900 pony paintings." 

Then he got defensive and said, "But it says 'You Light Up My Life'."

"What does a Debby Boone song have to do with a pony?"

"Uh, it's for you. I don't know. Would you have preferred a wolf or a duck decoy?"

The great part about the inscription is "You Light Up My Life" isn't an original thing to say. It's an old song title. He just took a song title, and wrote it below an animal. When we returned, I did the same for my girlfriend.