Whitest Things You Can Do Power Rankings

I think I have a unique perspective for this since my family represents almost the entire world, minus  Australia and Eastern Europe. I think I have a pretty strong grasp on things that are uniquely white.

9. Golf - This used to be the whitest of the popular sports. Then Tiger Woods came along and has been the best or second best performer (maybe Phelps) in an individual sport in decades, which has changed the game for the better. I play golf about once per year, and the courses have a lot of Asian players and some black players. So, Tiger Woods, kudos to you, good sir.

8. Picnics - Picnics are the official meal style of White Stereotypeland. It's so white that I don't even understand the logic behind them. "Let's take this food that we could eat here, where we are right now, in the comfort of our home, and go to a park where birds and bugs will try to eat our food while we get sunburned. That would be dandy."

7. Ultimate Frisbee - To this day, I don't think I've ever seen a non-white person throw a frisbee, much less play Ultimate Frisbee. One day, during college, some people asked me to play Ultimate Frisbee with them. I didn't know what I was doing, and kept getting violations called on me. They kicked me out about five minutes into the game. It's like a real sport, but they made athleticism against the rules. That's the ultimate way to make a sport white - eliminate athleticism from the equation. It's like in the 60s or 50s when they made dunking against the rules in basketball.

6. Going for a Walk - I'm just basing this on my family. I know my dad and step-mom go for walks. But if someone was to ask my step-dad to go for a walk, he would look at them like they were crazy.

5. Getting Excited About Local Beers - This is one of those things that I really don't get. Most local beers aren't very good, which is why they have remained local. "It's so good that you can only get it in York, PA" doesn't make sense. But the type of white people who host Christmas parties that they get dressed up for also get really excited about micro-brews. "It has a hint of oatmeal!" You know what else has a hint of oatmeal? Fucking oatmeal. Oatmeal is good. Beer is good. Don't combine them. And don't host Christmas parties where you expect everyone to get dressed up.

4. Water Polo - This should be number one, but this game is so white that it's too white for 99.999999% of white people. I'm also not including equestrian sports for this reason. It combines polo, European Handball, and a pool. Three super-white things combine to make a sport that's almost translucent.

4. Eating Sorbet or Orange Marmalade - Don't argue with me on this.

3. Owning Binoculars - Whenever I'm at a sporting event, or (this sounds really white, and should probably be included in the list) in a wildlife refuge, there are always at least two or three white people nearby with binoculars. The naked eye is never good enough for the white man.

2. Skiing (Snow or Water) - I'm waiting for the Tiger Woods of skiing to come along and break this wall down. I don't know when it's going to happen, but it seems like it has to. Somewhere in a Colorado town, a two-year-old half-Asian, half-black kid is hitting the slopes every day, slaloming his ass off. And one day he's going to change the world and make skiing viewership skyrocket from 100 viewers per event to somewhere around 106 viewers.

1. Sailing - I think the USA has won something like 100 straight Whatever the World Cup of Sailing is Called titles. All white crews every time. Very white.