I Want My MTV

I would like to thank the good folks at MTV for changing my life today.

I have developed a recent daily routine of biking to a soccer field a few miles from my apartment, playing for an hour or two, then biking home. However, today things didn't go according to plan. I arrived at the field. People were playing a pick-up game on one end. I stopped on the other end to warm up. I sat down, put on my cleats, put my other shoes back in my bag, and tossed my ball out for a 35 yard free kick to get things started. As soon as I struck the ball, my right groin popped. Oops. End of game. So, I had to sit down, take off the cleats and put the other shoes back on. I bet I looked like a real winner to the people on the other end of the field. They're thinking I biked to a field, put on cleats, took one shot (which was plenty), took off the cleats and left.

Once I got home, I needed to rest my leg to keep swelling down. I don't normally watch TV during the day, but I decided to see what was on. There was nothing on the channels that I would normally watch. Then I got to MTV. Teen Cribs. Are you fucking serious? Yes, I'll watch that. What? Only 10 minutes left in the show? Well, what's on next? 16 and Pregnant. That can't be a real show. Wait... it is. This is how MTV brought me back to their arms after 13 years astray.

The subject was a girl named Farrah. Timely. She got knocked up by a guy named Billy Mays. Timely, but not true. She's a sophomore cheerleader from an upper-middle class family. I think it goes without saying that she's a moron(not for getting pregnant, but for getting pregnant and being on this show). Her mom was about half of a moron. And her dad clearly didn't want to consent to the TV show. I forgot to mention that this show unintentionaly glorifies teen pregnancy. So it's horrible for kids. But I felt like I was watching a montage of Nascar wrecks. It was a constant string of "This can't be real" moments.

Some of the best sequences:

- She was talking about how she had been pregnant for a few months and still wore a size 2 (Female readers: "Bitch."). Her mom said, "Well, get ready, because you're going to put on some weight pretty soon."

With utter disbelief in her eyes, Farrah shot back: "Whatever, mom! Not me!"

"You'll see."

"I'm not gaining any weight."

It's like she didn't realize that she would be carrying a person around. And that person would have weight.

-The other cheerleaders began to sort of ostracize her, and completely talk shit behind her back. But the gay guy cheerleader came to her defense. The two of them were having a heart-to-heart when he said, "Be strong. You're called a cheer-leader, not cheer-follower."

When he said that, I started applauding. It was the first time a non-sporting event provoked me to clap from home. When I got tired of clapping, I rewound it and started slapping the couch, yelling, "Say it again!" until I had seen it another three times.

-While out to dinner at Perkins, the mom advised Farrah to look into adoption. Farrah would have none of it. She said, "It can't be that hard. I want to be a single mother."

"It's extremely hard and will consume all of your time."

"Nuh-uh. Once I get things started, it will be really easy." What the fuck does that mean? What "things" does she have to get started? She thinks it's like making Red Velvet cake or something. "Once I get the icing made, it's easy..."

I don't think she understands what a baby is. She's just thinking, "This is gonna look sooo cute with those new jeans I bought. Ohhhhh, I hope it's an Ed Hardy baby!"

-As she was about to go out with friends, which she did every night while five months pregnant, her mom said, "You're not going to have time to do this once you have the baby."

"Okay, mom. We'll see."

Then it cut to an interview with Farrah talking about how great it is to have a mom who wants to share the responsibility of a newborn baby. Yeah, I'm sure her mom is thrilled.

-Farrah and her mom went to her doctor for an Ultra-Sound. Farrah asked the Physician's Assistant about the process for inducing labor if necessary. The PA started to respond, but her mom (this is the scene where we found out she's half-moron) covered her ears and said, "Stop it! That baby is gonna fly out of you like a banana out of a banana peel! So stop it with the vulgarities!" I'm pretty sure the banana metaphor was a little more vulgar than the idea of inducing labor.

-The doctor had the whatever-you-call-it on Farrah's stomach, and they were listening to the baby's heartbeat. Then the doctor touched the other side of Farrah's stomach and said, "And this is where your baby's head is."

Farrah looked absolutely flustered and asked, "Hold on, how could the heartbeat be on this side, and the head be on the other side."

Then the doctor remembered that bringing a baby into the world isn't always a good thing, and broke the news to Farrah: "Um, the heart... is not in the head, so..."

Farrah looked suspicious of the doctor for a split second, then smiled and said, "Omigosh!"

I don't think Karl Pilkington has ever said anything that stupid.

When one of my brothers was 11, while playing Trivial Pursuit, he claimed that B.E.T. stood for "Black Entertainmen-T." That's not nearly as bad.

-The doctor began telling Farrah and her mother about breastfeeding options. Farrah cut her off, "I'm not doing that."

"Well, you really should, at least for the first two weeks. You should for the baby's health. That's how you'll stimulate its immune system."

"Sorry, but I'm not doing it."

"What are your concerns?"

"I don't want my boobs gettin' all saggy."

"That doesn't happen.

The mom had to step in: "Yes it does!"

Doctor/expert: "No it doesn't. Any sagging is caused by the pregnancy, not breastfeeding."

Farrah/moron: "I'm still not doing it. I'm not risking it."

Then the doctor looked at the camera like, "Win some, lose some."

-At five months pregnant, Farrah was trying to actively date people. They were asking her out. She was asking people out. When she was waiting for her date to pick her up (She wrecked her car!!!! How adorable and responsible!!!!), her mom told her it's not a good idea to be thinking about dating while pregnant or raising an infant. "Whatever, mom."

"Do these guys know you're five month's pregnant?"

"Yeah. They don't care."

"Well, they should."

"But they don't."

"They should."

"They don't"

A few minutes later, Farrah realized that she had been stood up. The joy that overcame me at that moment was the equivalent to thinking I had eaten the last brownie, only to go into the kitchen to discover another brownie with a $20 bill next to it.

-I have set my DVR to record every episode of this show. I'm guessing they're all going to be this good. It's nice to have this stuff on video. Now the kids will know why they're so fucked up. And we'll know what will cause these kids to grow up, get tattoos on their faces, and eventually rob us.