10 Guarantees

I have my fantasy football draft for the league with all my college friends this weekend. Fantasy football drafts are one of the most fun things a person can do with their life. One thing that is more fun is going to Las Vegas. I'm doing that next weekend. In honor of my next 12 days being fucking awesome, here are some predictions for each event.

Fantasy Football Draft Draft Guarantees:

1. Someone will make a pick in the first two rounds that's so bad it will be a running joke for at least six months. Examples: Several years ago, someone drafted TJ Duckett with the 11th overall pick. Everyone thought he was joking, until he said, "You don't know. TJ is gonna blow up this year. You'll see. 20 touchdowns, at least." TJ Duckett ended up with under 200 yards for the season. Another example: Last year, Jay Hastings picked Aaron Rogers with the 7th overall pick. Rogers hadn't yet started an NFL game. He could have drafted him in the 10th round. This prompts jokes like, "Jay, you're up. You want Rashan Salaam? I think he's still available."

2. Someone will jokingly select Rashan Salaam, Curtis Enis, and Ryan Leaf. It will be funny every time someone makes a pick like this.

3. Someone will pick in the first three rounds a player who is injured or suspended for the first half of the season. After the pick is official and he's informed that his player won't be playing, he will pretend that he knew that and act as if it's part of his master plan. I guarantee that my friend John will draft Brandon Marshall. This is the same guy who asked last summer, "What ever happened to Sadam Hussein?" Not much of a news guy.

4. By the fifth round, we should know who this year's "You don't even know. Just wait and see." guy is. This is the person who picks people about four rounds early, swearing everyone on his team is due for a breakout year.

5. Someone will pick Matt Leinert in the last round, and everyone will say, "Great pick. Kurt Warner's elbow will be broken by Week 5."

Las Vegas Guarantees:

1. Someone will have a "new betting strategy" for blackjack. This strategy of doubling their money when they lose a hand will drain half of their funds for the weekend in about 30 minutes. Favorite example of this: At my friend Glen's bachelor party, our friend Jobe got to the casino before everyone else and lost around a grand in 15 minutes due to that fail-proof strategy.

2. Someone will ask if everyone wants to hang out at the pool. Everyone will look at him as if he suggested we lick each other's balls. I've spent about 14 days in Vegas and have never even seen a pool. Not even a sign for a pool. I don't know where they are. I only know where they aren't.

3. Someone will say, "I don't know, I just think I really connected with that stripper... She's goes to UNLV. She's just stripping for the money." As opposed to the strippers who do it for the love of the game.

4. Someone will do way to much research on buffets. He'll know what each buffet features and when they bring out the fresh roast beef. Everyone will be incredibly thankful when his research pays off.

5. Jon Mumma will show people his balls.