More Formerly Topical Jokes

These are jokes that I wrote for Weekend Update last week.

As the New Jersey Governor’s race heats up, the Star-Ledger of Newark on Sunday endorsed the independent candidate Chris Daggett. The downside for Chris Daggett is that no one in Newark can read.

Police in North Carolina have found 929 gallons of moonshine under a shed in the mountains. The police then quickly retracted, "No, it was like 600 gallons. Right guys?"

Members of the five-person Norwegian committee that gave President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize strongly defended their decision on Monday saying that President Obama’s actions have contributed to “a world with less tension.” The runners-up to Obama were Kleenex and Jergens, also for lessening world tension.

A clump of Elvis Presley’s hair, cut off when he joined the army, is being auctioned off this weekend. No matter who wins, one thing is certain: They will die alone.

The insurance industry on Monday launched its first major attack in the health care debate by issuing a report warning that the plan will spark huge premium hikes. It's the first time the insurance industry has gone on record to admit they're dicks.

White House officials on Sunday called Fox News and its owner Rupert Murdoch “a wing of the Republican Party” adding, “Let’s not pretend they’re a news network.” Fox News responded by airing a Fair and Balanced report called, "Obama: Communist or Just Evil?"

According to new research adults who learn new tricks such as juggling can improve the "writing" of their brains. The research also reveals that they can annoy friends by saying, "Hey, watch what I can do."

According to a new study while many parents discourage their children from lying, the parents themselves often lie to influence the behavior and emotions of their kids. The study was conducted by the No Shit Foundation.

Walt Disney announced plans this week to drastically overhaul its mall stores to turn them into mini theme parks that will hopefully attract more children, boost sales, and ensure that parents avoid that area of the mall.

It was reported that Bernie Madoff last week got into fight with another senior citizen prisoner over the state of the stock market. In the end, things were resolved and Madoff now goes by the name of "Fish."

A former flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet is suing the talk show host saying that she was falsely fired after being accused of having sex with a pilot during a flight. She said the accusations are so false that they could be the plot of an memoir in Oprah's Book Club.

While on a recent expedition to look for the Lock Ness monster, a US research team instead discovered thousands of plastic golf balls. Simultaneously, the world discovered that a US research team is full of morons.

Many are saying that Maine Senator Olympia Snowe, who crossed party lines to vote for the new health care reform bill, is the true female maverick of the Republican Party. Sarah Palin responded by Twitter, "Senate Snowe bad no maverick. I rogue she not... Where my hocky moms. LOL :-)"

Two Republican Senators have introduced a bill that would exclude illegal immigrants from the population count that is used to allocate congressional seats after the 2010 Census. Illegal immigrants are already excluded from this process, but some Republican Senators wanted to reassure their constituents that they are indeed racist.

A townhouse in New York City that is reportedly haunted by a man in a top hat and tails, is now up for sale for 4.2 million dollars. The ghost hasn't worried prospective buyers, because all he does is drink old-fashioneds and talk about the railroad.

A new report says that five giant, non-native snake species could pose high risk to wildlife, especially in Florida. Native snakes are furious that the non-native snakes are taking all their snake jobs.

It was reported this week that the military has completed its best recruiting year since 1973, meeting all its goals and bringing in a better-educated group of young people. The military extended a heartfelt thanks to the 10% unemployment rate.

Navy officials said this week that women could possibly be allowed to serve on submarines by 2011. Moments later, Navy officials were stunned to discover that women are allowed to vote and chew gum in public.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger this week signed a new law that will fine paparazzi for taking photos that invade a celebrity’s right to privacy. Guys annoyed by their girlfriends' Perez Hilton habit rejoiced.

Pepsi is being criticized for an iPhone application that promises to help men hook up with women by allowing them to select what type of woman they are interested in and then offers possible pick-up lines.

Sample pick-up lines include, "Hey do you like Pepsi? Well, I'd like to Pep-see you with your clothes off."

A woman in Michigan was arrested after she called police to report the theft of marijuana plants from her house. She then called police about society's theft of her educational opportunities.