Some jokes I wrote that were not on SNL

A new study shows that women ages 59 to 97 sleep a quarter of an hour longer on average than men of the same age. A related study shows that men ages 59 to 97 enjoy the 15 minutes of silence.

A growing trend in fashion this year is veils. This coincides with a continuing trend of ugly people not wanting to be ugly.

Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve board said Sunday that the nation’s unemployment rate of 9.8 is “pretty awful” and he expects the figure to continue climbing. As the leading voice for financial deregulations, he then added, "Oh yeah, my bad."

Westworld, an alternative newspaper in Denver, Colorado, is searching for a medical marijuana critic. Thousands of people were going to apply, until they found a bag of Combos in the kitchen and had a change of plans.

Pope Benedict criticized the West on Sunday saying that western materialism and immorality have contaminated Africa like “toxic waste.” The pope often confuses western materialism and immorality with poverty and AIDS.

A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a woman’s car after skipping out on the check on their first date. Allen Iverson has denied all charges.

Twin brother pediatricians in Ohio are going on trial this week on charges that they used their practice to recruit boys for sex. The two brothers are seeking amnesty in France, which may be hard to come by as they didn't direct Chinatown.

A chemistry professor at the University of Pavia said he was able to reproduce the Shroud of Turin using material available in the 14th century, which he says proves that the cloth was not used to cover the body of Jesus Christ. Christians responded that "The Lord works in mysterious ways."

North Korea’s leader Kim Jon Il said this week that his government was ready to return to six nation talks ending its nuclear weapons program. In related news, North Korea has hid its nuclear weapons.

Conservative lawmakers in Egypt have called for a ban on imports of a Chinese-made kit meant to help women fake their virginity on their wedding night. The kit makes women act nervous, lay motionless and cry.

Scientists said this week that they have developed a cocaine vaccine that can prevent addicts from getting high by blocking the drug’s effect on the brain, though it does not blunt cravings for the drug. The cravings can now only be satiated with heroin.

On her first day on the Supreme Court, Justice Sonia Sotomayor asked as many questions and made as many comments as more senior members of the court. Stereotype...

Mark Burnett, the producer of Survivor, is creating a reality show version of “Fantasy Island.” The show is said to be similar to Survivor, except that no one will watch.

Many high schools across the country are filing legal suits against students who create “My School Sucks” pages on Facebook. Targets of these lawsuits have responded, "See what I mean?"

Since David Letterman’s announcement of the blackmail plot against him, ratings for the Late Show have shot up with Monday night’s show, the first since the revelation, getting the third highest ratings in the show’s history. Upon hearing this, Ed Schultz scrambled to find a co-worker who would sleep with him.

On Wednesday a statue honoring Helen Keller was unveiled in the US Capitol’s National Statuary Hall, which is the first statue in the Capitol of a person with a disability as well as the first of a child. The statue is said to closely resemble a young Keller, particularly her speech and sight.

A man has been walking from Texas with a 12 foot cross on his back is expected to reach his hometown in Washington state on Wednesday where he hopes to reconcile with the mother of his children. The man never thought of just calling.

A new report states that the chances of getting food poisoning from a mom-an-pop style restaurant in the Salt Lake City area is greater than getting it from a national chain. This study was conducted at the popular Salt Lake City diner, Fertile Mayonnaise.

An Xbox 360 videogame console purportedly signed by Sarah Palin is being auctioned on eBay for 1.1 million dollars. The console is reported to be able to distort reality to an even greater degree.