China Part 5: Things Happened!

Before the China stuff, I just need to state something for the record. Yesterday, I played a full-court basketball game and made one of the most impressive defensive plays of my life. The best player on the other team beat his man and was going in for a lay-up. I came from the weak side, and while he was in the air with the ball extended, with both hands, I took the ball from him like it was a hand-off. He was humiliated. If you don't play basketball, that means nothing to you. I you do play basketball, you still don't care. Some things just need to be put out there.

CHINESE

I don't go to clubs. Before going to China, I had been to one club in my life. That was in Madrid. I've written about it here on my blog. It was the night I hit rock-bottom, and I won't mention it again.

I don't go to clubs for several reasons:

1. I don't dance.

2. I don't go to places that charge covers. Why should anyone have to pay just to be in a building when other buildings don't charge? It's insane.

3. People who go to clubs annoy me. Not all of them, but you know what I mean.

4. I don't like loud places, unless it's a concert.

5. I don't like being surrounded by drunk people, unless they're my friends.

6. I don't go to places that have a dress-code.

7. I don't like club/danceable music.

8. I don't like being overcharged for drinks.

9. Conversation is my forte, so I don't like being in places that aren't conducive to conversations.

About nine years ago, after talking about clubs with my friend, Travode, I put in an Otis Redding CD, and Travode said, "You're like a 50-year-old black man." I froze for a second, then couldn't refute it.

Despite the nine huge strikes, I still went to a club in Beijing. After one of the shows, a group of audience members asked if I wanted to join them at a place called "Bling." They said they "have a table." Negative. I will never go to a place called Bling, no matter what country it's in. And I will never pay a fee to sit at a table at any point in my life. Then the people who put on the show invited me to a bar with them. It was a quiet little bar. Very fun. $2 beers. Quiet enough to talk without yelling. Then I was told that I should go to a club called "Mixx" to observe what a Chinese club is like. The people who invited me were cool and not clubbers by any means. They said it's really funny to watch people at clubs. I agreed to go.

The club shared a parking lot with one of the Olympic stadiums. Across the lot from Mixx, was a club whose name I can't remember, but it rhymes with Mixx. The adjacent club also had an Outback Steakhouse in it, which was very confusing.

We entered the club and payed the cover, which was about $8 USD. The place was madness. Rap and Latin music was blaring. Some new stuff that was horrible, and some old stuff that was equally as horrible, like Kriss-Kross. Now, onto the differences...

1. American djs have headphones on and look like they're into the music the whole time. This dj stood completely upright, stoic, and calmly clicked a mouse. Now I have the phrase, "He looked like a communist dj," at my disposal.

2. Girls at American clubs take dancing very seriously (Keep in mind that I've never been to an American club, but I have seen The Real World). Most look like they know what they're doing. It may look like a variation of a standing dry-hump, but it's coordinated and looks rehearsed. And for a bit of positive racism: every Latin person I've ever seen dance clearly knows what they're doing. In China, there are two dances. If you're a "good" dancer, you stand on the stage and dance for all to see. They think they look like girls in rap videos. But in reality, everyone looked like they were doing different incantations of the robot. That was worth the price of admission. The other dance was far better. I call it The Standard. The guys I went to the club with, and I, stood in the middle of the dance floor, none of us dancing, to get a better view of what was going on. We were surrounded by The Standard. Guys looked like they were drunk and struggling to stand up. It may have been a dance. They may have actually been trying to stand up. The girls did the funniest dance I've ever seen. With a stiff torso and limp arms, they jogged in place. Every girl there! With every step, the limp arms would swing slightly. All this was done with a huge smile on their faces. I can't imagine dancing with someone when that's their go-to move. It seems like you would just be racking up Charlie Horses as their knees slam into your legs. "This is so much fun. Do you have any ice?"

3. There were a lot of Eastern European guys there too. I couldn't tell if most of them were gay, or it was just cultural differences.

4. A guy passed out on the sidewalk next to me as I went outside for fresh air. I turned to look at him and foam was bubbling from his mouth. Security did the right thing and carried him to the edge of the building where they dropped him. Eventually an ambulance came.

5. I wore jeans, a green t-shirt, and grey New Balances, and I had no trouble getting in. That could never happen at an American club.

6. No fights. I didn't even see an argument. Everyone seemed really friendly, whereas I think about 10% of Americans go to clubs hoping they'll get into a fight.

The next day, I went to Forbidden City and a really good Thai Restaurant, and the club experience was forgotten.

Guy almost died.