Tales from Chinaland, Part Something: Vengeance!

I'm not a fan of routine. At the same time, I'm not into being crazy. I like experiencing new things as much as possible. But not if they're dangerous or fit a certain class of crime... SHANGHAI!

That was the trailer for this entry.

While in a foreign place, I used to forget that what's normal for there isn't necessarily normal for the United States, the place where I live. I toured Western Europe right before my senior year of high school with an orchestra. A perfect storm occurred while there: My dad gave me a credit card with a higher limit than I currently have. My sense of fashion norms were heavily skewed after about a week in Europe. The orchestra didn't allow us to wear jeans. And lastly, Billy Corgan wore silver pants at the time. All these things caused me to buy clothes and dress like a douche for a while. Maybe not a douche, but something. We'll say I dressed with oblivious self-confidence. I bought a pair of shiny silver pants. I bought a pair of shiny blue Diesel pants, because I knew the name Diesel due to them providing Chris Hardwick's wardrobe on Singled Out. I also bought a weird black, purple, and lime green Versace shirt. How do you top that? Why, with a black, red and white Versace jacket. I wore these things regularly for about a year. I would often wear them with royal blue Nike Foamposites. I looked like a clown. Like a gay/European clown.

Over the years, I've become more aware of these things. I still wear wolf shirts regularly, and an American Standard shirt that says, "Proud to be plunger-free," but nothing is shiny. So, when I was in China, I was ready for it. I wouldn't fall victim to any goofy-ass clothes. For the most part, Chinese people wear the exact same things we wear here. But whenever I entered a store, I would instantly be accosted by a salesperson claiming to have the perfect shirt for me. "My friend, I have super deal for you. Beautiful shirt. You like very much."

It would a mess of purple, orange, forest green, brown and hot pink, with a panda riding a dragon.

"My friend, the panda bring you friendship, and the dragon bring you much prosperity."

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it will bring me ridicule and regret as well. The friendship and prosperity is just a theory. I'd put money on ridicule and regret. I'm gonna pass.

A common theme in Shanghai was "This place is crazy. Do crazy stuff." I am not a huge fan of crazy stuff, mainly because I know the meaning of the word crazy. I was invited to "the only legal hash bar in China." Not going. The fact that it's the only legal hash bar means that it's not a legal hash bar. They're either paying off the police, or they haven't been caught yet. No thanks.

A guy I hung out with a lot there said, "Anything that can be done, is done in Shanghai." I don't think that's a reference to dreams coming true. I think it's more, "You wouldn't believe where your fist would fit for only $10." No thank you. I'll just eat some noodles.