MTV has done it again

MTV has generally sucked for the past 13 years. But every now and then, they do something that is incredible. Scared Straight, 16 and Pregnant, and now Jersey Shore. I first saw an ad for the show a few months ago and thought it could be good. There was a line about fist-pumping, which gave me hope. Then MTV bills the show as featuring "the hottest, tannest Guidos in Jersey," or something like that. How can you not watch that? Even the Italian-American Association of NJ tried to get MTV to not air the show, which proves it's more of an expose than a reality show.

I've lived in NJ for three years now. The people on Jersey Shore are about 0.04% of the population, but that's all it takes. I used to go to a gym with these people. They take steroids and blow-dry their bodies in the locker room. I went to a certain beach in NJ that was full of them. I can testify that this show is real. It's not an MTV creation by any means. But just to be clear, only one member of the show is actually from NJ. Most are from Staten Island, but they all think the Jersey Shore is heaven on Earth. And that's how you know they're morons from the outset.

Now, onto the show...

Background:

Eight Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) live in a beach house for a summer. They work at a novelty t-shirt stand during the day, selling shirts that say things like, "Where's the G-Spot?" One girl pitched a shirt to a customer by yelling, "Hey, you like crosses?" That's what we're dealing with. I think The Real World is pathetic at this point. It's just young morons who want to be on TV. They're too young and dumb to realize what they're doing. Not the case on Jersey Shore. They are dumb, but they are anything but young. Some are around 30 years old, which makes it much more adorably pathetic.

Characters:

Angelina - I hate her so much. She's by far the worst person on the show. She constantly talks about how hot she is and how every other girl is a whore who doesn't respect herself. She is a blocker-extraordinaire. There really isn't much to her, except that she refuses to do any work at the t-shirt store because, as she said, "I'm better than this. I'm a bartender. I do great things."

Jenni aka J-WOWW - This train wreck introduces herself as J-WOWW. It's remarkable. She's also absolutely hideous. She accentuates her hideousness with breast implants, weird hair-dye and very slutty clothing. In two episodes which spanned three days, she cheated on her boyfriend twice. But if you asked her if she cheated, she would say no, because there was no penetration. I'm making none of this up.

Best J-WOWW quote: "Your penis is pierced. I like it. I saw your penis."

Mike aka The Situation - The Situation should get his own network. I could watch this guy live 24/7. My friend, Al, and I used to watch Big Brother After Dark on Showtime. After Dark didn't mean risque. It just meant it was late at night and the cameras were still on. There was no editing. We would just watch to see how long it would take until someone did something. One time, we watched for a half-hour and the only thing that happened was someone made a sandwich and cut their nails. I could watch The Situation make a sandwich and enjoy it. He refers to himself as The Situation. He says things like, "Ladies love The Situation. The Situation is good. And when you find yourself situated in The Situation, it will be a good situation." The best part of The Situation is that he looks like he has to be 40. If he's not, then I'm going to guess tanning beds aren't good for your skin. This guy is an entertainment powerhouse. That's all I can say.

Best The Situation quotes:

The first thing he said to a girl: "Hey girl, what's ya nickname?" As if everyone has a nickname. Of course, the girl did have a nickname. She was a Guidette.

To a random girl he greeted on the street with a kiss on the cheek, "Girl, you lookin' hot. Where you been at?"

Nicole aka Snooki - If J-WOWW is a trainwreck, Snooki is the aftermath of Hiroshima. She is easily the dumbest person to ever be on TV. She couldn't figure out how to use a phone. She hung up on someone five times on accident. The phone was shaped like a duck. Her excuse for hanging up on people, "Who buys a duck to use as a phone?" She's an attention and general whore. On the first night, she wanted people to focus on her, so she got into the hot-tub with the male roommates and tried to give them lap dances, while wearing her bra and thong. She did not have the body for these shenanigans. It looked like she was wearing a backpack. Snooki showed up about 30 minutes late to work on her first day. Her excuse: "I was in the bathroom."

After she said about two sentences, I couldn't prevent myself from saying, "That's the type of girl you donkey punch."

I asked my roommate what ethnicity Snooki is. He said, "Tanning bed." He was right.

In episode 3, which airs tonight, Snooki gets punched square in the face. Check your local listings.

Best Snooki quote:

Guy on phone: "Are you going to hang up on me again?"

Snooki: "No."

Snooki promptly sat the phone down, hanging it up on accident for the fifth time.

DJ PAULY D - This dude is very dumb and a huuuuge douche. He has orange skin, from the tanning bed in his house. He spikes his hair in the douchiest way I've ever seen hair spiked. And he's the top DJ in Rhode Island, which confuses me because he's the only thing I don't like about Rhode Island. He's the guy with the pierced penis. But, "Shh... don't tell nobody. They don't know about it." Oops. You signed the waiver, jackass. For the most part, Pauly was a background douche. Not very proactive with his douchiness. Except... they were at a bar and he punched a guy in the nose. Why, "The dude was looking at The Situation, and it was a situation that you don't put my boy in, so I blauuuwww, punched him in the face." I've never been in an adult fight. The closest has been shoving in soccer and basketball games. But somehow these people get into fights every night. I don't know what I'm doing right and they're doing wrong, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Punches hurt.

Best Pauly quote: "It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose."

Ronnie - Although he says he's The Bronx's Finest, for the sake of The Bronx, I hope he's wrong. This dude is enormous and refuses to wear shirts. People need to see his muscled-up physique and actual-size crucifix tattoo. He doesn't really contribute much except general stupidity. He just sits there and looks dumb. He looks like a henchman from a movie. No make-up needed. Just put a shirt on him and roll cameras.

Best Ronnie quote: N/A

Sammi aka "Sweetheart" - Although Sweetheart is her nickname, occasionally she says things like, "That's why they call me Sammi Sweetheart." She goes by both names. She is easily the biggest slut in the house. She made out with two guys in the house in about 10 minutes, then inexplicably turned on The Situation like when Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Janetty through the barber shop window. I was stuck there, asking, "Where did that come from?" This is the type of person who you want to be miserable, but you know she's too stupid to ever be miserable.

Best Sammi Sweetheart quote: "Yeah, I hooked up with you and Ronnie. So? Ronnie's hot."

Vinny - I don't have a bad word to say about Vinny. He's okay in my book. I chalk him being on the show up to him just turning 21. He's not dumb, and has self-respect. The only knocks on him are: sunglasses at night, and according to my friend, Erin, his mother cuts his meat for him.

Best Vinny Quote: Three girls came over. The Situation asked if they wanted to get in the hot tub. They responded that they didn't have swimsuits. Vinny to the rescue: "Oh, that's perfect. That's great. It's actually better that way."