You Two Should Link Up

If you haven't read my synopsis of Jersey Shore, scroll down and read that first. There you go, scrolling and what-not. Nice job.

I grew up down the street from my friend Adrian. He's a cool guy. Fun to hang out with. And he is/was, we'll say, quirky. A few facts:

Several of us would play spades a couple times a week. Adrian's team would lose every single time. His team never won in about four years. But he never caught on. Everyone else knew. But he just thought he was having bad luck.

He tattered his t-shirt sleeves to look like The Ultimate Warrior. He would also ask at least once per week if we thought The Ultimate Warrior would be coming back soon. His question was met with blank stares every time.

He went to college with Quincy, my roommate and CE brethren. Their dorms had a front door and a back door. Every day for three years, Adrian would cut through Quincy's room to get to his room. No explanation.

Our favorite thing about him is his conversations. He starts every conversation with, "Like I was saying...," even if he hadn't been saying anything. One time, during college, I was hanging out at my friend Jay's house. Adrian walked in. I hadn't seen him in three years. As soon as he stepped in the door, he said, "Ryan, like I was saying, I told you about the Lakers. I don't know why you were doubting them."

"I wasn't doubting them. I don't... What are you talking about?"

"Jay, like I was saying, why are you scared to play me in Madden?"

He was as bad at Madden as he was at spades.

And his other conversation habit, which is the subject of this blog entry, was his tendency to try to get people to hang out together based on a random commonality. This is how a typical conversation would go. Adrian would start, "I just had a study group."

"Cool. What class?"

"Econ. There's this guy, Paul, in my group. He wears glasses like yours. You two should link up. You both wear glasses"

He was always looking for that link. It could be the smallest thing for two people to have in common, and he would suggest that you "link up." "You two both have noses. You should link up."

This past weekend, I was in my friend Craig's wedding. It was a good wedding and all that. But there were two peripheral characters who were killing me. I would like to see them with their own shows on The Situation Network (Read the Jersey Shore entry). It was a Catholic wedding. I told someone that and he said, "Isn't Craig black?" Yeah. "I've never heard of a black person having a Catholic wedding." Me either. His wife is Catholic, and white. Good point, someone.

The priest who officiated the wedding wasn't available for the rehearsal, so he had his buddy, Father Ralph, fill in. Father Ralph was gay. Not gay like a lot of other Catholic priests who barely set off a good gaydar. Father Ralph wasn't hiding anything. He was Perez Hilton gay, pushing Margaret Cho fan gay. He was as flamboyant as can be. It was spectacular. He was performing the whole time, "Now ladies, you're going to walk down the aisle like this," he said as he demonstrated a cat-walk strut, with arms shifting from side-to-side. "Just kidding," he interrupted himself with a giggle, "just walk normal and cute!" And the best line, "Now we have more groomsmen than brides-maids, so the last two ladies are going to get two guys each." Then he perked up, "Two guys each! LUCKY!!!!" Although I felt bad for him for having to suppress his identity because of the church (the church would say he's not gay, but someone who was raised by his mother), this sentence was the highlight of my weekend.

After the wedding, the photography began on the altar of the church. The photographer was Japanese. Craig is black, and all the groomsmen other than myself are black. I think the photographer wasn't used to photographing two things: Churches and black people. He was clueless to the whole reverence thing that is usually observed on church altars. And I think he got his impression of black culture from the one that was portrayed on TV during the 80s and 90s by white people.

While taking pictures of the girls, once again, on the altar, he said, "Okay, girls. Let's get sexy! Come on, show me sexy." It was awesome. Come on girls, show the crucifix a little more leg. Hike up that dress for the Lord.

While shooting the groomsmen with the bride, he had us do a straight-forward shot. Then he said, "Okay, now turn away from her." We thought that was odd. "Now, fold your arms and look away." We did it, but we weren't sure why. And we were sure it was a bad omen for future pictures.

The next sequence of photos would be one groomsman with Craig. We did a straight-forward shot, then a pose dictated by the photographer. First up: Jay. Jay looks just like Warren Sapp. It's irrelevant, but I like throwing it out there. They did their standard pose, facing the camera and smiling. Then they got instructions: "Turn away from each other and fold your arms. Look tough." At this point, I was standing next to Craig's brother Alan, who is an actual rocket scientist who creates synthetics to make spacecraft out of. Alan, disturbed, mumbled, "Are we in Run-DMC? What is... I'm... he better not ask me to do that." This is where the photographer's image of black people being constructed by 80s TV comes into play. He had this Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo image in his head, but the breakdown actually was: a rocket scientist, three programmers, an FBI lawyer, a small-business owner, and me. Craig has even been known to wear Cosby sweaters. When we saw the Run-DMC pose, we all decided we would preempt the photographer and tell him the pose should be a handshake. After a couple handshakes, Craig's other brother, Clay, was up. I guess he forgot about the planned preemptive strike, aka The Bush Doctrine. They did the standard picture. Then the photographer said, "You're brothers, right?" Yeah. "Okay, can you kiss or hug each other?" WHOOOOOAAAAA. Did not see that coming. Alan and I thought he actually asked them to "Kiss or rub each other." I'm not sure which is worse. Probably the rub. Craig and Clay politely declined to kiss and caress each other on the altar of brotherhood. And all I could think was "This guy and Father Ralph should link up."