Torture

For anyone concerned with extraordinary rendition and government sanctioned torture:

The Audacity of Fist

Watch this 28 second clip.  

It turns out the Obamas are also into anal beads, Ben-Wah balls, and fruit.

Inauguration, Son.

I went to the Inauguration on Tuesday. My friend, Jon Mumma, had two tickets, and we got to sit up front. I'll give a run-down of the day in bullets. Some points are funny, others are interesting, others are just bragging.

-Jon and I got in line for the Port-a-Potties on our way in, after security, but before the Capitol Lawn. We lined up for the ones where everyone happened to be shitting. Good stuff. People were in there for over 10 minutes. The guy who held up the one I went into tried to apologize by leaving an apple in the john. I'm allergic to apples, especially piss-covered apples. I think he left it as an air-freshener. But you have to cut it for that to work. He just sat it down. It was a Granny Smith.

-This isn't in chronological order. When we were coming out of the Capitol South Metro Station, it was so packed that people were hardly moving. Once we were within sight of the escalators, we saw the problem. Due to the number of people, the escalators would start and stop sporadically. Instead of just walking up the stairs, as most would do when they see steps, people would turn around and yell, "It's broke." Then they would stand there until enough people instructed them that they can walk up the stairs if they stop moving.

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You will never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign. Just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

-Mitch Hedberg

-There was a lot of merch being sold. If Obama wanted to set up a table to sell t-shirts or CDs, he could have made a killing. Like Dane Cook money. People sold Obama-McCain condoms, hats, buttons, and a couple people were charging to take a picture with a cardboard cut-out of Obama. The cut-out was Obama's head on Tom Daschle's body. I know it wasn't Obama's body because the hands were white, and holding Tom Daschle's glasses. So it was either Daschle's body, or a guy who holds Daschle's glasses for pictures.

I can't believe people are making so much money off of bootleg merchandise. It seems like Obama should get royalties, or a kickback to the government, or something. This probably hasn't been a problem in the past. I can't imagine anyone selling Gerald Ford condoms.

Crucial Element should have been there, selling "Ohdrama" CDs.

-Jon and I sat next to Al Franken, George Allen, Dikembe Mutombo, another NBA center (maybe Tyson Chandler - couldn't tell due to the scarf covering most of his face), and a guy who is either a Middle-East dignitary, or he played one in a movie.

Franken seemed as smug as can be. I didn't see him acknowledge anyone else's presence. He left when the poet started speaking, before the national anthem. He was also wearing a huge fur hat.

George Allen, whose politics I despise, seemed very friendly. He was talking to everyone who wanted to talk. He looked like a stereotypical rich white man, wearing a calf-length camel hair coat, a Burberry scarf, and a Stetson hat, with a feather and a small duck on it. I told Jon, "He looks like he hunts foxes," while Jon simulataneously said, "He looks like he has hounds." He also left before the national anthem.

Mutombo and the other NBA player stayed through the whole thing. They were very nice to everyone in the area. I felt bad for them. Everyone wanted pictures with them. I was going to ask, because how often do you run into Mutombo at the Capitol? Just then, a couple women asked the guys to hold their babies for pictures. At that point, I decided to forego this year's NBA draft. 

And the foreign dignitary/actor looked very rich. Like oil rich.

-Bush got booed so loudly. What you heard on TV was nothing. They had the crowd mics off. It was as loud as the cheers for Obama. It was pretty embarrassing. I can see booing him a year ago, but he only had about 20 minutes left as president. The fact that there were 2 million people there made it clear that he wasn't popular. Being there sent a strong enough message.

We didn't hear them announce Cheney. I thought that if Bush got it that bad, there would be a riot when they announced Cheney. But no one in my section heard him introduced. I wonder if he requested for his intro to not be played over the PA. Everyone around me thought that Cheney didn't show.

-They put the poet after Obama's address? Worst booking ever? Why wouldn't the address be last? You have to be really good to follow someone who can draw 2 million people. That's like if they brought Pryor back from the dead, and I had to follow him. She should have opened with crowd work.

-On the Metro platform, someone yelled, "You fuckin' tourists need to shut the fuck up and go home!" Really? It's inauguration day, and you didn't expect tourists to be on the Metro? On any given day, half of the people in DC around the Mall are tourists. I don't know how this surprised her. It's like going to the Super Bowl and being surprised that people are playing football.

-The night before the Inauguration, Adams-Morgan and U St felt like it was New Year's Eve. So packed. I wonder if tourists thought it was always like that. If you were there as a tourist, the answer is no.

-I wonder how many people brought condoms to the Inauguration, thinking, "Yeah, I know it's 20 degrees, and outside, during the day, surrounded by millions of people, but hey, Obama is president. Anything is possible."

The first in two years????

I'm not trying to make light of it, because it's tragic that someone was murdered at Virginia Tech. However the AP and ABC News have said this:

A female student was stabbed to death Wednesday night on Virginia Tech's campus, the first killing at the school since a deadly mass shooting there in 2007.

Why are they throwing in "the first killing at the school since..."? People aren't supposed to get killed at schools. They make it sound like it was an achievement to avoid murders for two years, like colleges have chalk boards everywhere that say, "It's been ____ days since our last murder! Go Hokies!"

Dirty Dancing

This video is great. It's an excerpt from a show called Principal's Office. Two guys have been called into his office for grinding at a dance. They were grinding with girls. But in the office, they want to find out what's appropriate, and make their principal uncomfortable, by demonstrating on each other. Enjoy.

Great Vanity Fair Article

If you have a few minutes, check this out. It's written by a guy who was friends with one of the Bush twins. He used to hang out with the president early in the administration, but the relationship changed drastically over the years. I don't want to give too much away. Read it, if you have the time. It's very funny.

I don't want a job.

I just got an email from Career-Builder whose subject line reads: "Thank You, Your Application Was Received (Regional-Construction Branch-Project Managers)". The position is in Raleigh, NC. When I first opened the email, I had to retrace my footsteps. Did I get drunk last night and apply for a construction job in North Carolina? Do I have multiple personalities, one of which is into building? Did someone else apply for this job and enter their email address incorrectly? If I get offered an interview, do I take it? The answers are, in order, no, I hope not, most-likely, and definitely. So, best-case scenario, I get an phone interview for this job and record it, however you do that.

What's the Point of Twitter

Somehow, I just found out about Twitter. I've heard the word before, but thought it was just a blog site. Tony Graczyk aka Larry Poon aka Shotgun Denny Tom just told me about it. I checked it out. People just send in text messages about mundane things they're doing. No thoughts about what they're doing. It's just stuff like, "I had cereal for breakfast. I think I'm more of an eggs man." Who cares?

I went to five pages and here are the most recent posts on each page. Why is there a demand for this?

 I met two long term boyfriends in my 20's in bars. Of course, they didn't last.

Cut my lip on burrito tinfoil. Damn.

FAIL! tried to steal from a craft services truck but it turned out to be a prop truck, not chicken dude!

just ate some fried cake

Anyone seen my socks?

Why are people writing this stuff, and why are people reading it? I hope my blog doesn't seem as pointless. I can't even express how stupid I think this is. Someone ate cake, and thought, "I better text the universe about this." And the thing about meeting guys in bars? Where did that come from? I'm fed up. If you have a Twitter page, please tell me why.

The All-Time NFL All-Fuck Up Team

The NFL just announced the annual All-Pro team. While it is good to recognize the great players, it's just as important to remember the fuck-ups. Here is the list, including their biggest fuck-up offenses.

Quarterback

Michael Vick - Probably the thing he did with the dogs.

Ryan Leaf - He was a top pick and probably the worst starting QB in history. He once had 5 turnovers and 4 yards in a game. I almost called this list "The Ryan Leaf All Fuck-Up Team."

Todd Marinovich - Heroin, meth and sexual assault. If not for football, he would be giving a lot of cheap blowjobs.

Jim Druckenmiller - One of three VA Tech quarterbacks on the list. First round pick. Drunk. Only played six games.  Indicted for rape. Acquitted. Still, he was tried. He was an NFL player. You'd think he wouldn't have to rape.

Marcus Vick - Another VT favorite. Mike's little brother didn't make it to the NFL because he decided to get some 15-year-old girls drunk. Also, molestation and fraud.

Matt Leinart - Looks like the biggest frat douche in professional sports. Appears to be not be an actual fuck-up though. 

Ben Rothlesberger - Not an actual fuck-up either. But he's on the list for being the only guy who looks better after a major motorcycle accident.

Running Back

OJ Simpson -  This one is controversial, but we're going to consider murder and kidnapping a "fuck-up."

Maurice Clarett - So much hype, but decided to forego the NFL and go straight to jail. Robbery, concealed weapon, and other stuff. Word on the street is he's a standout in the prison leagues.

Lawrence Phillips - The Yoda to Clarett's Luke. So much potential, but even more crimes. Almost choked his girlfriend to death, hit three teenagers with his car, assault with a deadly weapon,  and other assorted assaults. His biggest offense, however came in 1998 against the Cardinals. He was the RB for the 49ers. He missed a block. Steve Young, still in his prime, was blind-sided and his career ended because of a severe concussion.

Travis Henry - Nine kids with nine women. Drugs.

Rashsan Salaam - Nothing criminal. Just a huge bust. He was supposed to be great, but seemed like a kid playing with adults. But I'll give credit where it's due. He was the 4th leading rusher in the XFL.

Cedric Benson - Similar expectations as Salaam, but incredibly subpar and overpaid. Last summer, he was arrested twice. The Bears released him. How do we know he's a fuck-up? The Bengals picked him up.

Larry Johnson - Incredible player, but four arrests for assaulting women. That's against the law.

Wide Receiver

Rae Carruth - Pretty good player, however he killed his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want a baby. What a dick. He had the choices of A) condom now, or B) murder later, and chose the latter. I bet most people don't even remember this, even though it was just a few years ago. If this happened with an NBA player, can you imagine the public outrage? The NFL has a good PR department.

Freddie Mitchell - Biggest trash-talker ever. Would be acceptable if he was good.

Matt Jones - I think 6 grams is a lot of cocaine, but I'm not sure.

Chris Henry - In his still young career, he has been arrested for DUI, possesion, assault, assault with a firearm, getting young girls drunk, criminal damaging (whatever that is), and several other things. On top of this, he's average and a dick. Can't he just stay in jail?

Michael Westbrook - Knocked out his own teammate, Stephen Jackson, in training camp.

Plaxico Burress - Domestic disturbances, being a dick, and shooting himself in the leg in a club are the reasons Plaxico is a fuck-up.

Tight End

Kellen Winslow II - Dumbass tattoos, motorcycle accident that was his fault, ball infection, and said the following about a college football game. I stress the word game.

"Yeah, I don't give a hell. It's about this U, man. I don't give a flyin' you-know-what about a Vol. I don't give a damn! He would do the same thing to me. It's war. They don't give a freakin' you-know-what about you. They will kill you. They're out there to kill you. So I'm 'a kill 'em. You write that in the paper. You write that. You make money off that. No, man, I'm pissed. All y'all take this down. I'm pissed, man. We don't care about nobody except this U. We don't. If I didn't hurt him, he'd hurt me. They were gunnin' for my legs. I'm 'a come right back at 'em. I'm a fuckin' soldier!"

Offensive Line

Nate Newton - Awesome football player. Bad drug smuggler. Caught with 213 pounds of marijuana. Oops.

John Runyan - Great player, but probably the dirtiest player of the last 20 years, other than Romanowski. Runyan is known to spit in people's faces and grab their balls. Us folks at RyanConnerComedy.Com don't approve of that kind of activity.

Defensive Line

Leonard Little - A few drinking related arrests. And, I almost forgot, manslaughter. But he paid his debt to society and served 90 days in jail. 90 days for killing a person in Missouri? Seriously? That's where I'm committing all of my crimes from now on.

Tank Johnson - With a name like "Tank," you know he's either a good fullback, or a criminal. He chose criminal. He had a lot of illegal weapons. Oops.

Linebacker

Brian Bosworth - Should have been great as a pro, but didn't pan out at all. He also sued the NFL for the right to wear number 44. Kind of a dick-move.

Bill Romanowski - Known as one of the dirtiest players ever. He ended the career of one of his teammates by shattering the guy's face with his fist. Oh yeah, it was a product of 'roid rage. That's probably an important detail.

Defensive Back

Pacman Jones - Read the news today.

Eugene Robinson - Awesome player, however he offered an undercover cop $40 for a blowjob. Seriously, I had no idea it was that cheap.

Kicker/Punter

Todd Saurbraun - Steriods. Sure, a lot of athletes take steroids. But this is a punter. W-T-F?

Kick Return

Tamarick Vanover - Solid kick-returner by day, stolen car salesman by night.

Coach

Steve Spurrier - Huge flop in the NFL. Like really huge.

Marty Mohrningweg- Chose to kick in overtime.

Bill Belichek - Cheating asshole.

By Ryan Conner, Alan Skontra and Glen Quesenberry

Matt Yglesias on Healthcare

This is really interesting, and a quick read.  Matt Yglesias looks at the coverage:cost breakdowns for all of the Congressional healthcare proposals. Read The Costs of Ideological Correctness.

Kurt Warner - NFL Quarterback/ Christian Artist

NFDo yourself a favor and watch this. Time how long you laugh at "the reveal." My question is: Did he approach them with this idea, or did they approach him?

New Fake Band Names for Al and I

Prone to Fatwah

Suspected Witchcraft

The Second Coming

- I read an article about an aquarium in Japan. A female shark living in seclusion her whole life gave birth. Virgin birth. How many of us can honestly say that we knew Jesus would come back as a shark? Jawsus.  Incredible. Never saw it coming. Sure, we know that Jesus ate a lot of fish, but I didn't know he was that into them. 

Also, the Bible says that when Jesus comes back, everyone will doubt him. Who's going to believe this? "Hey man. Did you hear that Jesus came back?" No, what's he up to? "Well, he's a hammerhead, so I guess he's migrating to warmer waters." Shut your mouth. "Different agenda from the first Jesus. His mission is to eat all the sea trout he can find. But hey, ambition is ambition." 

- There's a Dodge Charger on my street, with a decal on the windshield that reads "SMILE HATERZ". Okay, a few problems here. Any decal is obviously a bad decal, but saying people are "hating" on your Dodge is a bit of a stretch. "Stop hatin' on my Levi's, son." Of course the 'z' in HATERZ is annoying as well. But the stupidest part is that this person is trying to taunt "haterz," but because there's no comma between "SMILE" and "HATERZ," it looks like this person is in an anti-smile group called the SMILE HATERZ. Then again, commas don't look right on decals. So, what to do then? Oh, I know. How about no decals ever?

-Bad company names that I've seen on the road recently:

Tom Raper Homes

Bill Buttram Photography

Do yourself a favor and go to the Buttram site and look at the senior picture of the kid dressed as a firefighter, surrounded by fire. Very fake. Very funny. No friends.

-Other signs in Indiana:

"Shrine to Christ's Passion - Hell is REAL!" Fear tactics anyone? "Shrine to the Patriot Act - Terrorists want to kill you and your family because they hate your freedom!!!"

A picture of a little girl and her mom. Text: "Remember that time I saw a cow being born?" If there was a follow-up billboard for this one, I'm guessing it would say, "You do remember? Good. Well, why would you want me to see that? Fuck you for giving me nightmares." If you've never seen a cow birth, avoid it at all costs. Think Alien.

-I was in Chicago for a Smashing Pumpkins concert last month. Best concert ever, by the way. The funny thing was Billy Corgan brought his little brother, Jesse, on stage to play auxilliary percussion instruments during the last song and encore. His brother is actually a great artist(paint), but he's very autistic. Anyway, he's the subject of one of the Pumpkins' songs, "Spaceboy." So, the crowd knew about him and was very supportive, cheering everything he did. And I'm sure he's never had 5,000 people cheer for him, so he was soaking it up. As he played, during rests, he was trying to get the crowd going like Hulk Hogan. But the best was when Billy was talking between songs, and he asked Jesse if he wanted to say anything to his fans. Jesse sauntered over to the mic and yelled, "Hey Billy!!!" After the next song, Billy gave him another shot. Jesse came to the mic with confidence and yelled, "H-O-C Rules!!!" I thought I just wasn't in the know, for not being familiar with H-O-C. But everyone on stage was looking around, trying to figure it out too. Billy said, "I have no idea of what he said."  He leaned over to Jesse and asked him. Then Billy cleared the air. "He gave a shout out to his work. Unbelievable."

BLOGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." 

-Our President

Check back Wednesday. I have a real blog of jokes coming.

New Video

Here are some new jokes. One about Bush's pardons. The other is about the Obama Commemorative Plates. 

Jersey City

Seriously, the NFL Playoff games are going to be only in Spanish in Jersey City? For real, Jersey City? What the hell is going on? If someone understands this, please let me know.

They Have Outdone Themselves

If you haven't followed the "Barack, the Magic Negro" story, look it up, then read this.

On New Years Eve, the Fox News Ticker read: "HAPPY NEW YEAR AND LET'S HOPE THE MAGIC NEGRO DOES A GOOD JOB. LOVE JEN AND JOHN C."

Someone texted that in, and they broadcasted it. Really? How could they think that's okay? Every time I've heard a Republican defend the song, they say the same thing: "It's not offensive... It's pro-Obama... It actually praises him... Look, it's satire... Have you listened to the words? I LOVE black people." Yes, I have listened to the words. They call the president a "Magic Negro." They may as well call him a "Slave Wizard." How did some Republicans forget that you don't call people negroes? And why did they think that if you specify that the negro is "magic," then it's a compliment. 

Conversations I want to have:

Are you racist or something? "No, my best friend is a negro. He's magic." Nope. Nothing wrong with that.

Why would you ridicule black people like that? "I'm not ridiculing black people. It's actually a compliment. I'm a huge fan of illusions. Card tricks, false security, negro-tricks, lies to justify wars, any kind of illusion..."

Would it be okay to call John McCain, "McCain the Cracker Midget"? "Um, no. John McCain was a P.O.W. A maverick as well." Would you say he's magic? "Well, he's no negro."

What about Obama is magic? "What, you don't like magic? You don't even like Harry Potter? Now THAT's racist."

Did you know that negro is what black people were called when they didn't have any rights? "Yeah, but at the time, they hadn't yet unlocked their magic potential. It's apples and oranges."

Is Obama more of a card-trick or prop-act? "He's just a no-good, socialist negro." What? "I mean card-tricks. Sleight of hand, prestidigitation, and all that business." 

Video of incident.