Greetings everyone. Get down for your cookies and grits.
This entry could be more accurately described as excerpts, rather than a review. You can draw your own conclusions based on the excerpts. What I will say about this book is that it was given to my roommate by a pimp, because the pimp thought my roommate "has the game in him." In reality, my roommate... I don't want to embarrass him, so I'll just say he doesn't have the game in him. The pimp/author is Ivory "Pretty Red" Wilson, and he is a PIMP motherfucker. He'll tell you that, and so will I. This book starts with his entrance to pimpdom, and goes through the stages of turning you, the reader, into a pimp. The only downsides to this book are: 1) I'm pretty sure that Pretty Red wrote this book in one night, after several toots of the White Lady (cocaine), and didn't proofread or edit one single thing. 2) Grammar and punctuation are thrown out the window. 3) If you want your own copy, be prepared to pay $55 for the paperback, or $110 for the hardback. I don't think he knows how much books cost. Then again, he's a pimp motherfucker and he gets his money. 4) If you drop the book, or your bookmark falls out, good luck at figuring out your place in the book. There are no page numbers. Avant Garde.
All punctuation and spelling are his, not mine. And now, the excerpts, chosen at random (I hope this doesn't cost me college bookings)...
Warning: Very Explicit
"When the cab stopped, a whore walked up and got on top of the hood of the cab. She raised her dress up, with nothing on, and the guys in the cab went wild! The cab driver just laughed and said, "that crazy bitch!' I had never seen a pussy before."
"Get another toot Pretty Red while I run this table on you."
"Motherfuckers from everywhere. Comes here acting slick... can't stick they fingers in their asses."
"Walking out the door, someone said, "Hey Sugar Dick." I looked and it was Sam. He kept walking pass us. She said, "You know him?" We stopped at the door, looking out. I saw this super fly caddie parked in front. I said, "Damn, that's a bad motherfucker there!"
"She stood up and dropped her panties. When I saw that wet willie for the first time, I busted a nut before I could get in."
"Bill was sitting at a table counting his money with his pistol on the table. He said, "Pimping Sam, who is this." Sam replied, "This is Pretty Red." Bill, leaning out of his chair to get a better look said, "Oh yeah, that red ni$%er is pretty..."
"She got in the bed on her knees, with ass in his face. He put his left hand on her back and started sucking her ass and jacking off with his right hand. I said, "Bad Motherfucker. Sam you got to see this." We were laughing. He said, that's one of my money getting bitches, Red. Never put a bitch on a quota, a slick bitch with game."
"The track, 12th and Main. Pimp ni$$ers riding pretty. When I saw all those different color flavored whores, I got excited. I was acting like a kid in a candy store. A voice in my head said, "It's Showtime Red. Get down for your cookies and grits. Pimp or die."
"We walked in the club and left her in the car. We walked to the players, table pimp ni$$ers, popping it like it goes, down and dirty. Larry and Gerald were sitting at the table. When they saw us, they knew somebody had been knocked. The look in their faces. They thought it was one of their whores. They go quiet. I asked, "Which one of you players name Stick Man?" That ni$$er looked at me. He had been sitting at the club talking slick to the ni$$$ers about he's an international pimp and can't be bumped. That ni$$er stopped talking. I said, "Your bitch has chosen."
"I took the pimp game and ran with it. I had diamonds put in my teeth, a big diamond ring on each pinkie finger. Every time I spoke to a bitch, I caught one. I kept a pocket of kryptonite. It wasn't long before I had two whores, and a punk in the trunk, with a ski mask on slanging."
"If you believe that anything is possible, just because you've never seen it, doesn't mean the pimp game don't exist."
"Some players get it from a spoon. A pimp gets is from bitches' wounds. If a bitch didn't have a wound, she would be running through the woods with a bounty on her head."
"Remember, one of the spices of life is jumping in and out of Cadillacs and pimping whores."
"A good pimp gets her to see the difference between fucking and not getting paid. When the feeling is gone, reality slaps her in the face. Bills and rent will be there when she finishes nutting."
"A pimp only fucks whores on Sundays because that's the only day she has off. I was told it was a sin to pimp whores on Sundays, so I started giving them Sundays off... If your start fucking her every night, telling her that her pussy is sunshine, she hears that from tricks, she will soon form an opinion about you. Her opinion of you is that you're not a pimp; you're a sugar dick."
"Don't ever let a bitch tell you she won't whore, but she likes you. Tell her if you can get a dollar from every bitch that tells you she likes you, you would be rich."
"She will play you like a Virginia vilain, smoother than a motherfucker."
"Once you understand the pimp game and how it's played, go out and meet a square white bitch. A white bitch is easy to flip. They love adventure."
"... you're on the floor having some pimp fun, ringing your nuts out..."
"When she is counting that dough, she sees shoes, dresses, jewels, and a car. After she has counted it and gives it back, take out your pistol sitting it on the table and recount your roll. Make sure it's right. If it's short, check that bitch. Put your hands on her."
"Tell her she can't come because you're pimping whores. She will ask what does she have to do to be with you? Pull her close to you and say to yourself, "Hollywood couldn't catch these moves on film, but you're a playing motherfucker because you just caught a bitch."
"Tell her don't leave the track unless she is going to turn a trick. Don't let her call you and say it's a slow night, or it's starting to rain. Tell her to walk between the raindrops, but get your money. The day you lay off is the day they pay off. Tell her don't let no one tell her you said nothing because you're a pimp, not Captain "Save a Whore.""
"Start kissing her. Lay her on the bed. Ask her if she is going to be your bitch? She will say, "Yes". Just before you go up inside her ask her is she going to pay you. She will say, "Yes". When you're finished ringing your nuts out, ask her will she go through some pain for you. She will say, "Yes". Roll her over and put your dick in her ass."
"When you bring her home, your Main Bitch will blow up. Don't talk, just check that bitch. Put your hands on her."
That's about it. RyanConnerComedy.Com doesn't endorse these actions, but it does endorse the book. You can get it by emailing playersworldenterprise@yahoo.com
And, a bonus quote from today's news.
"You couldn't beat it. I mean it was a beautiful, beautiful breakfast. It was fit for a queen or a king."
-Annah Shoffner of Raleigh, NC, on Denny's All-American Slam
