Issues

-During the campaign season, I wrote way too much about politics. I annoyed myself sometimes. That's not what this is. It's just footnotes. If you've missed any of these things, look into them if you have the time.  Because this is a comedy blog, not a news blog, I will not post links. You will have to take my word, or look things up.

-Something that has really been pissing me off lately is people saying, "We can't _____ because we need to focus our energy on the economy." You can do more than one thing at a time. Republicans have been using the argument to try to block legislation (health care reform), and Democrats have used it to avoid having balls (Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal). Gay marriage just passed in the Vermont and New Hampshire legislatures. The governors are going to veto on the grounds that it's a distraction from the economy. All they have to do is sign a piece of paper and people would have equal rights. 

-People keep signing up to follow me on Twitter. I don't know if it's people who read my blog and know that I'm trying to have the worst page on Twitter, or if it's people who find my posts interesting. Are they interesting? You be the judge:

You never see anyone covered in soot these days? Where did it all go?

Swivel chairs.

Something about fish.

You can never use too much varnish.

Courier New... What a font!

Laces untied... again.

-The Blackberry Bold is awesome. If you need a new phone, get one. It really is near perfect. The only thing that sucks is the battery life. I think it's going to be the product that I "swear by." Like Wilford Brimley swears by Quaker Oats, I'll swear by the Bold.

-One of the options for curbing CO2 emissions is a carbon tax, in which people are taxed for consumption. I understand the merits of the argument, but this is a horrible idea in application. Anyone making a marginal income will be slammed by this tax. They won't be able to afford to buy more energy effecient products. If they can afford to, the price of the new product won't be offset by the tax reduction for a while. It should be up to the government to provide more tax incentives to companies who are energy efficient or create energy efficient products (which has been done[not cap-and-trade]), incentivize renewable energy projects (which has been done), and update the energy grid (attempting to be done, but some say we should be focusing on the economy). That's it for the carbon tax. It will stretch the finances of people who are living paycheck to paycheck to the point that they may not be able to afford basic things. Look at what $4 per gallon gas did. That double in cost cut tens of billions of dollars of what would have been expendible income being put into the economy. It's not the cause of the economic situation we're in, but taking tens of billions of dollars out of the economy exacerbated the problem. 

Note: I know that the money was spent and therefore "put into the economy," but it was localized in the energy industry, instead of being spread. People ate out less, bought fewer video games, went to fewer movies, etc...

- Afghani President Hamid Karzai today forced through a bill that effectively legalized rape. Now married women are required to consent. Their husbands can make them consent. There are other troublesome parts of the bill, but rape is probably the worst part.

There are reports of gay people being executed in Iraq for their sexuality. 

It's a good thing we brought Western Democracy to the Middle East. 

- Anyone who has ever smoked pot knows it should be legal. The only argument against it is "Well, it's illegal." President Obama and his Press Secretary Robert Gibbs have been asked about it this week. They both gave weak, bullshit answers. They're scared of starting a culture war. Meanwhile, I bet if this was put to a national vote, 60% would be in favor of legalization. And 10 years later, 80% would support the legalization. It would cut the tax burden of keeping non-violent drug offenders locked up. It would allow law enforcement to focus on things that matter. It would create tax revenue. It would decrease violence that is a result of illegal drug trafficking. There isn't a better medical treatment for many ailments. The last time I saw one of my doctor friends, someone asked him about treatment for pain. He said, "Best thing to do is smoke a bowl. That's the best treatment for a lot of things." The government needs to stop acting like it's protecting us from ourselves and make it legal. I would like to see someone as the president why alcohol should be legal and marijuana illegal.

-Cable news channels keep getting worse. I've been writing about this for three years. There's only one show on cable news that I can watch. It has gotten to the point that the channels aren't only ideological, but as masturbatorial as an 8th grader. Every time I see a snippet of cable news, the report is about cable news. They all just talk about what people are saying on the other shows. Who cares? Aren't they supposed to be "reporting"? The one clip that I've seen in the past few months that I liked was Shepard Smith mocking Glenn Beck. It was great. 

Most opinion shows go like this: "_____ from MSNBC/liberal blogs/Fox News said_____ and they're evil. Here's why:..."

-The Catholic Church has excommunicated a 13-year-old Brazilian girl and her mother because the child got an abortion. She had the abortion because she was raped by her step-father, and her health was at serious risk. The daughter and mother were excommunicated. The rapist was not. This means there is redemption for rapists, but not rape victims who protected their own health. I must have missed that part of the bible.

-One of my favorite Senators, Jim Webb, has proposed massive prison reform. High-five.

Mos Def - Christopher Hitchens - Salman Rushdie

Mos Def is a nut. He claims that he can't judge Al Qaeda and the Taliban because he doesn't know anything about them. Why? Because he doesn't trust what the media says about them. He also believes Bin Laden is a "mythical figure." 

Best exchange:

Mos Def: Look, I'm from Brooklyn.

Hitchens: And I'm from Hampshire, Mister Definitely.

Thanks to Andrew Sullivan for the link.

Blog for the night...

- I'm watching Spinal Tap as I write this. One of my favorite parts of the movie is the performance of "Big-Bottom." I didn't notice until my third time watching the movie, but everyone is playing bass on the song, and the bass player is playing a double-neck bass. So there are four total basses in the song. No treble whatsoever. Look it up on the YouTube. It's hysterical.

- My step-dad's 60th birthday was this weekend. I went home for it. There were about 80 people in the house. It was active. It felt like a pep-rally. I was in the basement, with my brothers, cousins, an aunt and uncle, and two people who go to church with my parents. We were watching the NCAA tournament, when an erectile dysfunction commercial came on. My aunt said to me and a couple brothers that it's really awkward when those commercials come on when she's watching with her kids (the youngest is in 10th grade). She said, "They say that if an erection lasts four hours, you should contact a doctor, and I'm sitting there with Chandler, pretending I didn't just hear that. And who's going to go to the doctor for that anyway?" (One of the hackiest jokes in the book is, "... tell a doctor? If it lasts four hours, I'm telling everyone I know." Then the hack gets an applause break.) So, I was hoping the conversation didn't go there. It didn't. Instead, when she asked who would go to a doctor for that, one of my brothers proudly announced, "I would. I'd walk in with my shirt tucked in. 'You know why I'm here.'" At this point, it's funny, but not really awkward. Then it was my turn to speak. I said, "If you go to the hospital for that, what's the treatment anyway?" Then everyone laughed. But it was awkward laughter, because everyone was picturing a doctor having to tame an erection. I wasn't trying to make a joke though. I seriously wanted to know what a doctor does to calm an erection. I asked my brother next to me if the doctor shows you a DVD of "Golden Girls." Then I was back to making everyone feel awkward. I couldn't let it go until someone told me how a doctor treats an erection. No one told me, and I'm still asking around. If it's the only thing I can think of, I'm going to start showing up at the hospital for a co-pay blow-job. $15? Deal. Prostitution? No, it's medical.

This isn't the most awkward thing I've done around family recently. Frequent readers may recall me giving a wedding toast for one of my brothers, which detailed every fight he had ever been in. That's it. There was no anecdote.  There was no moral. It was just, "Listen to this shit... Badass, right? Yeah, don't fuck with him." Incredibly awkward. I'm not good with situations.

-I saw a guy at the DMV, and he looked ridiculous. He had the "I'm a white guy, but I want black people to like me, and I think they'll only like me if I have a stupid chin-strap beard" beard. The worst part of his get-up was he had rubber bands around the cuffs of his pants, apparently to showcase his shoes. His plain black shoes. NEVER DO THIS. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT.

I guarantee this guy was there to get his license reinstated. I also guarantee that he's at least pretty good at spades and tunk.

I hope he couldn't find the rubber bands when he went to Staples, and had to ask for help.

"Where the rubber bands at?"

"Let's see, what size do you need?"

"Uh, like [puts his hands around his ankles to measure] this big."

- My close-personal-lady-friend was sick over the weekend. Yesterday (Sunday), I took her to the Minute Clinic at CVS, which is basically Urgent Care. The Minute Clinic took three hours. That sounds about right. It was just a regular medical exam, but some of the questions were bizarre. The doctor asked, "Where is the pain?" 

"Throat, sinuses, ears, and head."

Okay, that's a normal question. Seemed like the answer provided sufficient information.

"How would you describe the pain?"

Describe the pain? Lyrically? In a sonnet? What does that question mean? My girlfriend just said, "Describe it? There is pain in my throat, sinuses, ears, and head. The pain hurts. I don't know." I would have really liked it if she described it like a bad war novel or Dickens. A haiku would have worked as well. How do you describe the pain beyond, "It hurts"?

-Worst Sky Mall item in this month's issue: BBQ Branding Iron - $79.95. "You can brand your own meat!"

It's an iron brand that you put your initials on. That way, you serve someone a steak, and your, yes YOUR initials will be on the steak. How much would you pay for such a thing? $200 $5,000? Well, you can have one today for only $79.95 and a lack of ambition for anything in life.

Screw science. I have a book that was written 2,000 years ago.

Representative Shimkus (R-IL) today, at a climate change hearing, tried to refute science by quoting Genesis. He says that "the word" is "infallible." So, he's saying that everything in the bible is truth. Leviticus justifies slavery. Genocide is all over the place (flood, Sodom and Gemorrah, Canaan, the killing of Egyptian children). And Numbers 31 is an all-star, which instructs believers to go to a city, kill everyone but the young girls, who will become their property. The word of God is infallible? Shouldn't elected officials be a little smarter than this? What percentage of people who are blindly religious have actually read their religious texts? It has to be a small number.

Watch the guitar solo at 2:40

Tony Graczyk sent this to me. 

Power Rankings Are Back

You asked for them. Well, maybe not you specifically, but someone did. Probably. If they didn't, at least I remembered that I used to do Power Rankings, and decided to bring them back. So, someone asked for them, or decided to do them again. Either way, it's happening. We're going to have three installments: Most Annoying Sports Phrases, Most Annoying Work Phrases, and Things You Can't Get the Generic Version Of.

The pre-blog coin-flip determined that we'll start with sports phrases. The sports I watch regularly are basketball, soccer, and football. If you have phrases from other sports, leave them in the comments. Also, I could listen to soccer announcers 24/7. So they will not be in the list of annoying phrases. Instead, here are some of my favorite phrases from soccer announcers that I've written down over the past couple years.

1.  Kevin Davies rises like a salmon for the opener.

2. Henry... A generous touch for the Barcelona faithful.

3. Ahh, Tevez, wonderful gale, and great silkiness to his game. Marvelous to watch.

4. Tidy goalkeeping there.

5. Marquez, speculatively!

6. A spot of dishonesty to draw the penalty.

Most Annoying Sports Phrases POWER RANKINGS

15. "What was the plan for the second half?" - Sideline reporters are good for at least three questions of this magnitude per game. My favorite interviewee is Shaq. He never listens to the questions,  then talks about whatever he wants to talk about. Sometimes he'll even tell the announcer that he didn't listen. That's the validation that sideline reporters yearn for.

14. Untracked - Contributed by Danny Rouhier. I haven't noticed this one. But I'll be on the lookout. Apparently, if someone is struggling, the announcer will say, "____ can't get untracked." Sounds like the equivalent of an office manager saying, "Moving forward."

13. Obvious things like, "Best-case for Marquette, would be for Missouri to miss both free-throws..." - That is an actual quote from a game over the weekend. No shit. Best-case scenario for the listeners is that things like this aren't said. Best-case scenario for me would be to get paid large amounts of money for doing nothing. But some things don't need to be announced. Another favorite quote from this category was when Madden was calling an Eagles-Redskins game and said, "Whenever these teams play, it's either gonna be a high-scoring game, or a low-scoring game. Either way, somebody is gonna win."

12. He's a shot-maker... trying to put the ball in the hole - This one is a two-pronged golf quote, contributed by Danny Rouhier. Wouldn't you assume that all golfers are shot-makers who try to put the ball in the hole whenever possible? If a basketball announcer said that someone was going to try to make a shot, I'm pretty sure they would be fired.

11. Basketball/Football IQ - This is a funny, back-handed compliment. An announcer would never say that Shane Battier has a high basketball IQ, because he's one of the smartest players to ever play. They would just call him "a very intelligent player," or something like that. But Ron Artest, whose actual IQ probably falls somewhere between a beetle and peat moss, plays very smartly. So, an announcer would say, "Ron Artest has a high basketball IQ," implying that you wouldn't expect it. It's like, "Ron Artest... Great at reading a defense... not so great at reading books."

10. Heart of a champion - This is probably the cheesiest one. It's usually said about people who overachieve. Like Jimmy Chitwood would have the heart of a champion. It really just means that the team puts forth maximum effort, but all Disney-ed up. The only time I heard it and didn't cringe was when the sixth-seeded, defending champion Houston Rockets won it all again in 1995 and Rudy T said, "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." Of course it was ridiculous. Their regular season record wasn't what it should have been, due to injuries, so they weren't underestimated at all. They really won it all because they were the best team in the league, and because Olajuwan was the only center who could guard Shaq.

9. We gave ____ percent - You're professionals. You all gave 100 percent. If you didn't, you wouldn't be professionals. My friend, Frank Hong, had a great joke about this. "I'd be more impressed if they said, 'We went out and gave 90%... and still won." And I know that professional athletes don't have to be good at math, but can't they at least understand that 110% doesn't exist? Whatever effort you're giving when you think it's 110%, is actually 100%. "But this one goes to 11."

8. Road to the... - My close personal lady-friend pointed this one out to me. Everything is now Road to the..., or a variation thereof. Road to the Final Four, Road to the Super Bowl, Quest for the Ring, Path to the Draft. Just shut the hell up and call it a pre-game show or something. 

7. Upside - "_____ has an amazing upside." This is said roughly every seven seconds at the NBA Draft. It seems that about 10 years ago, all NBA analyst's brains were expunged of the word "potential." Now, everything is upside. What's a backside? Right. So, to people hearing it for the first time, it kind of sounds like they're talking about a player having a great erection.

6. Length - This is another very gay-sounding NBA Draft axiom. Someone who has long arms "has great length." About six years ago, everyone stopped saying "wing-span" and "arm-length," and just went with length. Good choice.

5. Ceiling - This is another NFL and NBA draft axiom. It's similar to upside, but while "upside" simply means that the player will improve substantially, "ceiling" lets you know just how much upside there is. It also lets me know that it's time to mute the TV.

4. Football [insert word] - Football announcers like to make sure that everyone knows that what they're watching is football related. "Brett Favre is just a football player." "Spikes with the great football play." "The guys are down on the football field, ready to play a game of football." "Chris Samuels with the nice football move to open the hole." Attention all football announcers of National Football League football games: We know we're watching football.

3. Great in the locker room - This is common to hear on football broadcasts, and sometimes in basketball. "______ may not make a huge impact on the field, but he's great in the locker room. The guys love having him around." How does this sound like anything other than "The guy is a BJ-monger, and you know the guys love getting blown."

2. Keys to Victory - Before every competitive sports game, they analyze the Keys to Victory. They're never as direct as they should be, but always come down to "Outscore the other team." Sometimes they'll go a little obtuse and say, "It's not up to Boston to outscore Phoenix. They need to make Phoenix try to outscore them." You need a flow-chart to figure out what that means.

1. All thanks to God - This has to be the most annoying to me. Regardless of your religion, if you think divine intervention occurred during your sports game, you are a moron who shouldn't be allowed to own sharp objects. This is why I can't support Kurt Warner. In every post-game interview he implies, "Well, there's war, famine and crime all over the world. But God took a break from all that to ensure that we can win our division with an 8-8 record." Thank your teammates and coaches, asshole. 

It's settled. Jesus rode dinosaurs.

image courtesy of raptureponies.com

Obama/Palin/Special Olympics

Andrew Sullivan on the issue of the century:

The woman who used a Down Syndrome infant as a campaign prop attacks a presidential joke:

"I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special needs community.”

Why am I not surprised? By the way, she just refused stimulus money for educating special needs children.

You're Welcome

Casinos, Vietnamese Translations, and Joy

- I'm starting to get "followers" of my Twitter page. If you're one of those people (doubtful), I just want to be clear that I'm purposely trying to have the most boring Twitter page in existence. Also, I want to be clear that the typo in my username is accidental. It's supposed to say "rccomedy." I just tried to log in, and was rejected. Why? Oh,  because I spelled it "rccoomedy." 

-I just got back from North Dakota and Minnesota. And let me tell you, it was a hoot. The college shows, Minot State, Lake Region State, and Concordia, were all great. Thanks to everyone who came out.

Highlights:

-I got to the train station in Fargo a little after 11pm, for a 2:13am train to Minneapolis. It ended up being delayed in small increments until around noon. It was delayed because the train hit a car in Minot, ND. Well shit, then we couldn't be mad about the delay. Someone was probably killed. What's that? You found the news story and no one was hurt? Yep. Assholes.

-Jon Mumma, John Conroy and I hung out in Minneapolis for the weekend. We went mining. I put that picture on Facebook.

-The three of us went to Mystic Lake Casino on Saturday night.  There's no craps in Minnesota, which I think is... (are you ready for it?) crap (HAHAHAHAHAHA... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL). 

We stopped at a gas station to get coffee on the way to the casino. The cashier's name tag said, "Gerb." Jon asked, in disbelief, "Your name is Gerb?" 

The guy confirmed. Jon responded, "Oh, that's cool. Cool. What's your last name?" 

"Linvitz." 

As if he was announcing him to a crowd, "GERB LIN-VITZ. You must get all kinds of women with that name." The thing is, it sounds so dickish, but Jon meant all of that as a compliment. It was by far the most awkward moment of the week.

We played blackjack all night instead. We found a table which at the time only had one player, a Vietnamese woman, around 60, named Joy.

Another comic, Corey Something, came with us. He was the worst blackjack player I've seen. His strategy was "No matter what, double down. Why keep my money, when I could give it to you?" One hand, the dealer was showing 10, and Corey had 17. He doubled. He justified it by saying, "I'm a gambler. Either way, I'm taking another card. May as well raise the stakes." One time, he put all of his chips on the table and said, "double-down." No, that's "all-in." Needless to say, he lost all of his money quickly. It was unbelievable, but awesome to watch.

As soon as Corey left, we got a new dealer, Todd. Todd was the coolest blackjack dealer ever. If you look at my Fox News Casino blog, Todd would have been Shepard Smith. We briefed Todd on Corey. He was a huge fan, and would give us Corey-like advice on every hand. "Let's see, you have two kings... That's going to add up to roughly 19-20... I think the book says you should split." I can't describe how awesome of a dealer Todd was. Just know, if you go to Mystic Lake, ask for Todd.

Mumma's wife is Vietnamese, so he knows a little Vietnamese, however it seems he doesn't actually know what the words mean. He told Joy, "You're very pretty." Joy blushed and thanked him. From that point on, the table had the energy of a craps table. We were yelling, high-fiving, whenever Joy wanted a card, we had her slamming her hand on the table and yelling, "BAM!" Joy got us drinks, and offered us rooms in the hotel. She was a frequent gambler. And a very nice woman. Jon later told his wife what he told Joy. She told him he didn't actually say, "You're very pretty," but something more along the lines of, "Damn girl, let me get up in that butt." That explains why she perked up.

Conroy and I ran into her again the next night. She told us to come back and hang out again the next week. I think she was hoping Mumma would be with us.

Glenn Beck Wept

Glenn Beck has to be the biggest douche on TV. He's a worse actor than any televangelist. I don't know who is falling for this garbage.  

Praise for North Dakota

I did two colleges in North Dakota today. Both shows were great. The people here are really nice. But best of all, there are casinos everywhere. However, the casinos are dry. No drinking at casinos. Hey, visitors of North Dakota, North Dakota has a solution: blackjack at the bars. That's right. You can't drink at the casinos, but you can gamble at the bars. What else could you want? What's that? $1 blackjack tables? Yep, got 'em. You haven't lived until you've seen a Native American sit down at a blackjack table with a crisp $5 bill, and play for a half-hour. I also accidentally watched another Native American take a piss. The exit and bathroom doors were identical.

I have another ND show tomorrow. Hopefully the whole state is this cool.

If you're in Minneapolis this weekend, I'm doing shows on Saturday and Sunday. I'm not sure of what the places are called though. More to come...

Noche Latina NBA

The NBA is in the midst of the worst sports promotion of my lifetime, and it will last a month. It's called Noche Latina. Noche Latina means Latin Night, which is odd, because the promotion lasts one month, 31 nights to be exact. I guess they didn't feel like looking up "month" in an English-Spanish" dictionary. And extending their Taco Bell Spanish, teams wear jerseys which feature their team name, only in Spanish. Except it's not really Spanish. For example, tonight, the Miami Heat were the Spanish equiqo del noche. So their jersey said "Calor de Miami"? Nope. They said, "El Heat." El Heat.  One more time, El Heat. The jerseys look like something you'd find a street vendor selling in Honduras. "Si, es autentico! El Heat!"

image courtesy of espn.com

My Joke Came Back to Life

My gay marriage joke came back to life today. The joke is that I heard someone on the radio say, "If we let people of the same sex get married, the next thing you know, people will want to marry animals and robots. It's like where do you draw the line?" I don't know about right before animals and robots.

Today, at a We Hate Gay People rally in NC, Terry Schiavo's attorney made the same claim, except he said, "robots and pets."

Wait a minute... Are they pandering?

-Before the meat of the blog, I have a theory on this week's "LOST." I think that LaFleur guy is actually Sawyer. But don't quote me on that.

-I figured out the metaphor for the Republican party's recent pandering - Sarah Palin, Michael Steele, Bobby Jindal.

Recap:

Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination. As a result, the Republicans named Sarah Palin their VP candidate.

Barack Obama was elected president. The Republicans named one of their six black members, Michael Steele, the chair of their party.

Barack Obama is not white, and the son of a non-American. The Republicans name Indian-American Bobby Jindal their prodigal son.

The Republicans seem to always be a step behind. Actual conservatives, not party-whackos, are furious about Palin and Steele, and open to Jindal, although not necessarily excited. It has nothing to do with ideas, only power. 

I just realized what they're doing. I mean, I've known what they're doing, but I just realized the parallel. Every day, I read that Michael Steele, the chairman of the RNC, has said something awkward, or had something awkward said about him. Examples:

1. Michelle "Let's Investigate Members of Congress for Being Anti-American" Bachman said of Steele, "You be da man! You be da man!" Wow, that's not offensive, unless you're trying to get actual black people to vote for you, instead of white people in black-face. They seem to think that black people tend to vote Democrat because of their vernacular, not policies. I'm waiting for Steele to say, "Corporate tax loop-holes are the shiz-nit."

2. Steele said the stimulus package is full of "bling."

3. Steele gave "slum-love" to Bobby Jindal. The fact that he did it on TV made it slightly worse than when I was in Panera with Sean Gabbert, and an Indian kid stood facing me. After a couple seconds, not thinking about what I was saying, I asked Sean if he had seen "Slumdog Millionaire." I followed the question up by saying, "It's really good."

4. Steele criticized Rush Limbaugh, then apologized to the "leader" the next day, saying he didn't really criticize him, even though he did so, and it was on TV. 

5. His plan to turn the Republican Party into "The Hip-Hop Party." Yes, that Republican Party. Kid 'n Play and everyone will be there. And they have a "License to Ill." You can't go straight from Toby Keith (an Obama supporter, by the way) to KRS-One.

The RNC didn't get the memo that not all fat people can cook. You can't get a job as a chef just because you like to eat. And in politics, you can't just look the part.

The Republican Party is the music industry, more specifically, the hip-hop industry, because it's run by people who don't understand it, but pander in waves until each pander runs out of relevance. For example, Nas will always be relevant, because he's honest. But the industry's flash-in-the-pan Nas knock-off will only be relevant until people realize he's full of shit.

When Hillary seemed like a viable candidate, but lost the primary, and her supporters seemed to have no one to vote for, Rep-a-Fella records saw an opportunity and put out a Sarah Palin album, even though she had no talent whatsoever. "People like women. Let's give 'em a woman." That's like when the industry saw that people loved Alicia Keys... but since she writes her own music, she only puts out an album every 2-3 years. Uh-oh, there's a gap. Rihanna.

Oh, what's that? Black people vote? Oh boy. Should we have a black candidate? No, but let's make a black guy the head of our party, even after he got killed in his Maryland Senate race. Let's let that guy run ALL of our campaigns. He's black. Black people win elections. Just not that one in Maryland. Yeah, but Obama is Coltrane, and Steele is Ja Rule. His best bet is to get in a couple shitty action movies with Jet Li. Actually, Steele is more like Rick Ross. Ross claims that he was in gangs, when records show he was a corrections officer. Steele doesn't realize it's not good to have been in gangs. Why does he awkwardly talk like that? It's like Stuart Scott on Sportscenter. There's no way he feels comfortable talking like that.

And the Bobby Jindal catastrophe... I haven't understood this for the past couple years. The guy is very smart, but has no ideas that Bush didn't have. And what a terrible speaker. He's the same formula as Steele, but instead of being Ja Rule/Rick Ross, he would be closer to Fergie. I just look at him and think, "What are you doing?"

-Percocet is crap. I was on it for a couple days because of my eye. Phil Jackson credits his understanding of basketball to a summer-long acid trip. Ken Kesey, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Hunter Thompson, Aldous Huxley, and countless others credit drugs for opening their minds. My most profound thought while on Percocet was pathetic. I was laying in bed for about 36 hours, because I wasn't allowed to look at things, when something popped into my head. I thought it was brilliant at the time. It wasn't. I asked my girlfriend, "Hey, is Clark Kent a reporter?"

"Yeah, Clark Kent is a reporter."

"And Peter Parker is a photographer?"

"Yes."

"Oh man. Things are gonna get rough. With newspaper circulation dropping, they're probably going to lose their jobs. Then comic books will get real. Peter Parker will have to be a wedding photographer. And Clark Kent will be in the unemployment line. Then he finally gets an interview, and half-way into it he finds out that a woman is being sexually assaulted. Does Superman help? He has bills to pay. Does he leave the interview to help, or does he just decide, 'She shouldn't be dressing like that if she didn't want it'? I think I'm going to get into comic books."

That's what Percocet did to me. Just say no.

My Doors of Perception

Aldous Huxley wrote a great book called  "The Doors of Perception." He took mescaline and documented the experience.

Tonight, I suffered a significan corneal abrasion. It's the length of my iris, and it hurts. I just got out of the ER. I'm on Oxycodone. Everything feels weird. I understand why people abuse this drug. My eye is still throbbing, but I'm okay with it. The drug doesn't seem to be giving me any insight, like mescaline. I'm just okay with everything. The end.

What did we learn? If you want to write a book on a drug experience, don't choose Oxycodone.

No, I won't sell you any pills.

Cake

I will never be as funny as a cake.