Kids say the dumbest things.

I drove 10 hours today. Stopped by my parents' house before going to my show. My brother, Joaquim, is struggling with Latin, because he just transferred to a Catholic school where they actually speak Latin, just in case it becomes the third century again. He asked if I have the Latin Rosetta Stone program. I don't. Then my youngest brother, Sam, said something along the lines of "How does she know all those languages?"
Shocked, I said, "Hold on, Sam. What do you think The Rosetta Stone is?"
"It's that short little lady who knows like every language." He even assigned a height to her. 

My step-dad and I explained what The Rosetta Stone is. He shot back, "Oh, it's that thing that fell from the sky!"

Private and public schools both failed in the course of about 20 seconds.

Arlen Specter

Arlen Specter changed parties today, becoming a Democrat. Both sides are being annoying about this. Republicans are bashing him, essentially saying, "Well, we didn't want him." Uh, yes you do. And Democrats, for the most part, are too happy, thinking he's going to vote the party line on everything. Specter isn't a rubber stamp Senator. He votes his conscience on everything. That's a good thing. It doesn't matter which party he belongs to. He'll always vote for what he feels is right. The only change is that he won't caucus with Republicans and won't face Republican primary challengers.
The worst take on the switch that I've read comes from Think Progress. Matt Yglesias, who writes for them is one of the best bloggers out there, but the author of this is a tool. She attacks Specter for not supporting Obama's agenda on all fronts. That's what we should want out of our representatives - people who think for themselves, instead of being a pawn for their party.

Michelle Bachmann, Once More

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."
-Michelle Bachmann

Redemption, Son.

I went to a cafe across the street from the library. When I ordered my coffee, the employee was looking at me weird. Then I noticed she was looking at the emblem on my shirt. "Is that a monkey riding a giraffe?" she asked.
"It's definitely a giraffe, but I always thought it was a person. Wait. The person has a tail. Confirmation. It's a monkey."
"That's pretty awesome."
The flip-flops are staying on.

Inappropriate

I have a show at a college in Rochester, NY tonight. One of my best friends, going back 17 years lives here. He's wrapping up his Phd in music composition at Eastman (that's a big deal). He's in a lesson right now, so I'm free to roam Eastman, where I look very out of place.
I dress according to the weather of the previous day. Yesterday was in the 90s. So I'm wearing shorts and flip-flops. There's no way it's more than 60 degrees. This is the universe telling me that grown men should never wear flip-flops. And the universe is right. In the future, only at the beach.
But that's only the beginning of the inappropriateness. I played in orchestras and bands from the age of 9 through my junior year of college, often in 3-4 ensembles at a time. My favorite kind of music is still orchestral/classical. So I'm in music nerd heaven here, trying to see everything. Here's where I look out of place. They have a library here that has original Mozart manuscripts, among other composers. The library is full of students studying scores and scholars studying the originals. And there I am, walking around trying to take in everything, with my flip-flops clapping like castanets. Everyone looks up as I pass, all thinking, "Who is the asshole in flip-flops, shorts and a bright green t-shirt with an emblem of a man riding a giraffe?" I didn't realize it until I was looking at an original portrait of Mozart. A man needed to get by me. As I stepped aside, and my flip-flops clapped, I saw that he was wearing a suit. And he gave me a look that said I should at least be wearing something close to a suit.
You know what, a guy with an ironic mustache is walking in now. I feel a little better.
This isn't as bad as what I found out an old college friend did. He has a company that consults Defense. So he went to Iraq for work, along with another old friend, who I believe is in Special Forces, although I could be wrong. On the first morning, they were supposed to meet to get breakfast at the mess hall. The military member was dressed as a member of the military. The contractor was wearing Abercrombie board shorts, a black tank-top, a volleyball visor, and flip-flops. At war. In a warzone. Insurgents would have thought he was gay, which would give them more incentive to shoot him.
So I'll take comfort in the fact that I'm not giving anyone an incentive to shoot me.

I'm still obsessed with this site.

More...


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NBA: Feel Good #1 Dragon Buffett

My secret weapon over the past few years has been myp2p.eu. 1. I like the idea of having a secret weapon. 2. It's a site that airs practically every sports game in the world. 3. The downside is you rarely are able to watch English broadcasts.
I'm watching the Lakers-Jazz game right now on a Chinese broadcast. I've been watching games in Chinese for three years, and I can't figure out one word. Not even "basketball." I'm only bringing this up because the music played during replays and highlight packages sounds like T.G.I.F./Family Ties "Now I think we've all learned a lesson..." music. It's great. Brandon Roy dunks on Luther Head and puts his nuts in Head's mouth. Cue music. What's the lesson? Don't put your mouth where Brandon Roy is about to put his nuts. Thank you, China.

Douchiest Thing I've Heard In About A Week

My close, personal lady-friend and I were getting gelato Sunday night. A woman in her 40s was in line behind us. The employee asked the woman if she knew what she wanted. Here's the exchange:

Employee: Can I help you?
Douchey Lady: Just a minute...
Employee: Is this your first time here?
D.L.: Yes.
Employee: Oh, have you had gelato before?
D.L.: [offended] Uh, yeah... I've been to Italy eight times.

I don't think I need to elaborate.

Are Hipsters Doing This Yet?

I only make on trip to Williamsburg, Brooklyn per year. It's all I can take. If this isn't already a hipster trend, I predict that in the next three weeks, Brooklyn hipsters will start carrying Lisa Frank stationary, in an effort to be flamboyantly ironic with their apathy. I also predict that twelve new bands will be formed, all featuring a theremin and an auto-harp.

Visual Aide:

Left-Wing Conspiracy

The temperature on the East Coast has gone from 40 to 95 in one week, with no moderate weather in between. This never happened before Obama was elected.
Palin in '12

Worst Band Name

I'm at a cancer benefit now. Bands are playing. One is called Figure it Out. Could it be less evocative? What were the names that lost to Figure it Out? Maybe, Hmm, Sometimes...

911 Fail

From FailBlog.org

And another... turn the volume up for this.

Best Moment of the NBA Playoffs So Far

In the post-game press conference today, Spurs coach Greg Popovich was asked by an obnoxious voice, "Tell me about your firing Francophile, your Parisian torpedo, Tony Parker. Can he continue to be your main butter and egg man and still cook with the boys in Big-D?" 

Popovich dead-panned, "Am I being punked or something?"

Representative Barton, you are an even larger ass than I thought you were ten minutes ago

He questioned Secretary of Energy Dr. Stephen Chu. Dr. Chu is a leading physicist. Barton tried to stump him on science, and sounded like a complete idiot in the process.

Clip from hearing on climate change bill.

Al Gore and former Senator John Warner (R-VA) were being questioned. Al Gore schools Michelle Bachman - light.

Representative Barton, You Are an Ass

I feel like writing about the torture memos, but it's all out there. Just read it. People need to be held accountable for torturing in our names.

On a somewhat lighter note, there was a Congressional hearing today on a new climate change bill. Al Gore spoke, representing science. And several Republicans spoke, representing middle school.

Representative Barton of, you-guessed-it, Texas, said, "I'll stipulate that CO2 concentration is rising...It's at 380 parts per million, and will reach 500 parts per million in 50-100 years. I'll stipulate that. But how do we know if it's human-produced CO2?" You dumbass. As the population grows and more nations are industrialized, of course we're producing more CO2. So, he thought he found a new anti-climate change angle, but actually chose the stupidest logic imaginable.

Then Michelle Plastic-Woman Bachman was up. Check the archives of this blog for her previous craziness. She's the craziest member of congress of my lifetime. She blows Cynthia McKinney away. In a statement that sounds like she just found out about chemistry on her way to the house floor, she said:

"Carbon dioxide, Mister Speaker, is a natural byproduct of nature. Carbon dioxide is natural. It occurs in Earth. It is a part of the regular lifecycle of Earth. In fact, life on planet Earth can't even exist without carbon dioxide. So necessary is it to human life, to animal life, to plant life, to the oceans, to the vegetation that's on the Earth, to the, to the fowl that -- that flies in the air, we need to have carbon dioxide as part of the fundamental lifecycle of Earth."

There's really nothing to say about that. She thinks that people who care about protecting the environment think that CO2 is an alien toxin, but it's "necessary... to the fowl that -- that flies in the air..."

What a moron.

This happened a few days ago, but I forgot about it. In response to the DHS report of right-wing militant extremists, Pat Robertson said the author's "sexual orientation... is in question."  In a time when he could have condemned the extremism that is real, and dissassociated himself from it, Pat Robertson pretty much said, "Who wrote that? A faggot?"

FYI

I got cable today after not having it for almost 2 years. It's weird. Now when I'm watching TV, I feel like I'm in someone else's house. It's like I'll walk into the kitchen and it will be full of food. That's my perception of cable. People with cable always have all the condiments on-hand.
I just realized I've never owned ketchup. Never. Not once. I've considered buying it many times, but the pros have never outweighed the cons. Pros: French fries. Cons: Everything except French fries.

First my blog, then ESPN

Now Bill Simmons from ESPN is giving the exact same prescription for the Bulls that I gave last weekend. I don't think he reads my blog, I just want to prove to people who haven't followed them closely that I'm not delirious.

"Everyone keeps pointing at Rose and Gordon, but there's a bigger reason why Chicago became such a scary force: The playoffs come down to three issues (scoring, rebounding and protecting the rim). Gordon and Rose handle the first issue; Noah and Thomas handle the other two. What's happening in this series isn't an accident, and it has little to do with Garnett's injury or Boston wearing down from 190-plus games played over the past 18 months. Noah and Thomas have bloomed. If the Bulls win this series, they will also win the next one -- lock it down right now -- and I can guarantee you, the Cavaliers are thinking right now, "The only Eastern team who makes us sweat even a little is Chicago.""

-Bill Simmons

First, RyanConnerComedy.com, then The Brookings Institute

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how the financial crisis we're in was sparked by the spike in oil prices. Now, The Brookings Institute has come to the same conclusion. 

DRILL HERE! DRILL NOW! That's a joke.

Guy hitting on girl on train running diary

There's a guy who looks like he's too into Donnie Darko persistently hitting on a girl that he followed around the platform. She's very New Jersey. The train is close to empty, so I'm able to hear most of the conversation.
Tip-off was when asked her a question about the train schedule. I couldn't tell if it was curiousity, or he just worked himself into a corner, but the next five minutes of conversation was about the train schedule. She checked her phone for texts during this period. No texts. We're underground.
The genius then decided to shift the conversation, but to stay on the topic of transportation. Genius. "My flight was late yesterday..." he started.
A minute later, he reached his hand out for an introduction. It was awkward.
Oh boy, "Do you like your job?" Good question. Maybe he's trying to get her to sell Amway under his umbrella and first wants to know if she likes her job and is familiar with the train schedule.
I forgot to mention that his right foot is resting on his left knee, while his left hand, reaching up his pants leg, is massaging his calf. This is incredible.
Oops. I think the girl just realized that I'm doing this. Oh well. We're going to soldier on. Never mind. We won't. I'm at my stop. I think these two are going to be together for quite a while.

Advice to business owners:

Don't put Bobrick brand hand dryers in your bathrooms. They slowly blow cold air on your hands. It feels like someone is blowing on your hands. Pathetic.
I'm sure I'm making an impact on many people's business decisions with this one.
And Bobrick, if you want to prove me wrong, send me one of your hand dryers that doesn't suck. I will gladly review it. Also, send chocolate chip cookies.

Candidate for worst tattoo ever

The woman sitting behind me on my flight has a large tattoo of a pit bull's face on her chest. I bet she picks up a lot of guys at the swap meet with that.

Radio

I'm listening to the radio in Florida.
I don't understand what is going on in this show. People are calling in and ordering Snapple by the case. I thought it was an informercial for Snapple until:
Caller: You still got stun-guns?
Host: We do...

Another Snapple order.

Caller:I'll take two stun-guns.
Host: you got it honey.

Caller: You you have any car parts, like break pads or something?
Host: Sorry, dear, we're all out.
Caller: Okay, then I'll just take two cases of chicken fritters.

Caller: I want some chicken fritters and three stun guns.

That's an odd combo. Who needs those two things at the same time?

Caller: Do you have any queen sheets?
Host: All out of queen. But we do have king.
Caller: how about some Gatorade G2.
Host: Out of those two.

I still don't know what I'm listening to, but I could listen all day. I think it may be called The Morgan Channel.

Church in Florida

I just passed a church outside Jacksonville called "The First Church of Gay Babies." I thought, "Wow, Florida has come along way in a short time, and gone in a weird direction." Then ilooked at the sign again. "First Church of Gray Gables." It was partially obstructed.

For NBA Fans

My 2009 NBA Playoff Predictions. This is a day late because I've been travelling. 

Eastern Conference

#1 Cleveland vs #8 Detroit

This will probably be the most lopsided series. The Pistons were who they were for the last 6 years because of Chauncey Billups. Without him, they are a team that consistently beats the bad teams and loses to the good teams. This allowed them to make the playoffs, but the playoffs are full of good teams, and they're playing the best team in the East. Three blowouts and game 3 will be close, with Cleveland still pulling it out.

Prediction: Cleveland in 4.

#4 Atlanta vs #5 Miami

To non-hardcore NBA fans, this is the most underwhelming series in the playoffs. To hardcore NBA fans, this is the most underwhelming series in the playoffs. I'm guessing this will have the lowest ratings. I wouldn't be surprised if the NBA relegated these games to SpikeTV. That said, this will be a competitive series. Atlanta has some really solid players. Joe Johnson is one of the best scorers in the league. They also pushed Boston to seven games last year. That should make them the favorite against a Miami team. But Miami has Dwayne Wade, who although he isn't the MVP, he's playing as well as Kobe and LeBron, last year's and this year's soon-to-be MVP. Miami aslo has role players who have gone deeper into the playoffs. Jermaine O'Neal and Haslem could be huge.

Prediction: Miami in 7, winning Game 7 on the road, making Erik Spoelstra talk about how Dwayne Wade should be MVP so much that even Wade wants him to shut up.

#2 Boston vs #7 Chicago

I'm not just saying this because I'm a die-hard Bulls fan, but this is Chicago's to lose. I predicted the Game 1 win too. Chicago has been playing a lot better than Boston since Garnett has been out. Their record without him has been very good, but they've lost to most good teams and only beaten the bad teams. Chicago, on the other hand, since their new players (Salmons and Miller) have become acclimated, are playing as well as anyone in the NBA other than L.A. and Cleveland. But the real secret to their success isn't Derrick Rose, Salmons, Brad Miller, or Hinrich's return. They're winning because Noah and Tyrus Thomas are playing with confidence. With a healthy Garnett, Boston would win the series in five games. Without Garnett, Boston isn't a good playoff team. If Luol Deng wasn't injured, this series could have been a sweep.

Prediction: Bulls in 5 or 6. However, if Chicago wins game 2, it's a sweep.

#3 Orlando vs #6 Philadelphia

These teams are polar opposites in that Orlando can shoot all day, and Philadelphia can barely hit a shot outside 12 feet. It's like they practice in a driveway or something, and practice mainly consists of games of 21. Of Philly's starters, they have one great basketball player (Andre Miller) and four great athletes. That's not going to cut it. Jump-shooting teams (Orlando) usually struggle in the playoffs, especially playing a team that's as aggressive on defense as the Sixers. But Orlando will make up for a bad shooting game by going to Dwight Howard all night, and by playing smartly. That said, Philly's energy will win a couple games.

Prediction: Magic in 6.

Western Conference

#1 L.A. Lakers vs #8 Utah

Same as Cleveland series, except maybe four blowouts. With Okur at 100%, Utah might pick up one game, but...

Prediction: Lakers in 4.

#4 Portland vs #5 Houston

I can't understand why all the experts are picking Portland in this series. I've seen both teams play about 10 times this year. Portland is going to be great, but this isn't their year. Houston is built for the playoffs. No Tracy McGrady team has ever made it out of the first round, but luckily he's injured this year (Just kidding. It's not his fault).  They have the best perimeter defense tandem in the league, in Battier and Artest. And they have the second best center in the league. I don't see this as an even match-up at all. Next year, this would be a great series, as I think they'll be the 2 and 3 seeds in the West then(if they're healthy).

Prediction:  Houston in 6.

#2 Denver vs #7 New Orleans

Who is going to get the blame for losing to a 7 seed, George Karl or Carmelo? Probably George Karl. Denver is a really good team since getting Billups. He would make any team good. But I don't think they can play good enough team defense in the playoffs to slow down New Orleans. If Tyson Chandler is healthy the entire series, it could be over in six, but I don't see that happening. This will be one of the two best series to watch.

Prediction: Hornets in 7.

#3 San Antonio vs #6 Dallas

If Ginobili was healthy, San Antonio would be the only threat to L.A. But he isn't. This is going to be a tough series. Both teams are excellent and have great players. Dallas has been playing great over the past few weeks though. Not good, but great. I hate seeing San Antonio lose, but I don't know if they can pull this one out. This will be the best series of the playoffs until the Finals.

Prediction: No idea. San Antonio in 7, or Dallas in 6. Probably Dallas.

Rest of the Playoffs:

I don't have time to elaborate on each series now, so in brief:

East:

Cleveland over Miami in 4 or 5.

Chicago over Orlando in 6. Two months ago, Chicago would get swept in this series. They're a different team now. And Deng would be back in the second round.

East Finals:

Cleveland over Chicago in 5. If the Bulls are lucky, this will go 6 games. Any games Chicago wins would be very close, and they could lose in 4 blowouts.

West:

Lakers over Houston in 6. Houston has the best shot of knocking the Lakers out before the Finals, but they won't come nearly close enough.

Dallas over New Orleans in 7. This will be a great series that will come down to home-court. Dallas has the experience that will pull out Game 7.

West Finals:

Lakers over Dallas in 6. Although it will go 6, the series will never seem close. L.A. will go up 3-1, and get cocky in game 5. Then they'll take care of business in game 6.

NBA Finals:

In a replay of a wet dream that David Stern had about six years ago, Kobe and LeBron will face off in the Finals. I think this is when people will realize how good the Lakers really are. When they need to play well, they are absolutely nasty. Cleveland just doesn't have the depth to contest the Lakers in the playoffs. LeBron will get his rings, but not until this Lakers team is broken up. He'll have to settle for MVP this year. 

Prediction: Lakers in 5, due to the 2-3-2 format in the Finals.

No excuses

I'm in Hoboken at noon on a Sunday and I just saw a man in a Hawaiian shirt and a leigh. No excuses.

Eddie Rush is the worst referee in sports.

He is being paid by the Celtics. That's the only thing I can think of. 3 bogus calls now. The last one, "accidentally" calling a travel when the Bulls are about to take the lead with 12 seconds left, is one of the worst calls I've ever seen.

New Worst Sports Phrase

"Glen Davis with great stick-to-it-ness."

Finally, a portable condom.

http://www.trojancondoms.com/Product/ProductDetails.aspx?ProductId=53

It's about time. The geniuses at Trojan finally realized that condoms should be small enough to take with you. The times of hauling a condom around in a wheel-barrow, or taking along an extra condom napsack are gone. And Trojan2Go is here.

"Quick, we need to name the company! Find some English words!"

I just passed a bus run by Double Happiness Travel Inc. Not to be confused with their sister company Super Fun Drive Time Thing People.

My Fortune Cookie

"Problems are only opportunities in work clothes."

Well said, cookie.

Lucky numbers: 18, 5, 39, 36, 43, 50

Worst Jokes Ever

Last night I was in DC and did a show at Topaz, which is an open-mic that Curt Shackleford has been running for about 4 years. It's a great show. Anyway, he has an audience joke contest at the end of his shows, with a $25 cash prize. It's a good incentive to keep the crowd there.  The joke are usually very lame, but not pathetic. If a woman enters the contest, she wins by default. One time, a woman entered and didn't know that she would win by default, so she flashed the crowd.  "You mean I could have just stood here and said anything?" Yes.

Last night, I heard the worst jokes ever.

Contestant 1: Put me in a round room and tell me to find a corner.

That's not even a joke. And he mumbled it. No one understood him until he said it a second time. Then no one laughed. Everyone just kind of went, "Okay. Cool." After the show, he came up and asked if I've seen, "Canadian comedian Peter Russells." He meant Russell Peters.

Contestant 2: Chocolate? That's doodoo, baby!

His joke was quoting a Chappelle punchline. At this point, I was starting to think that ever laugh I got on stage was a laugh that I didn't want. When he said, "That's doodoo baby," the crowd was silent, except for me saying, "WHAT?!?"

Contestant 3: Your grandmother is so fat that she wore high-heels and struck oil.

At this point, Curt grabbed the mic and said, "We need someone else to tell a joke, because those were the lamest jokes I've ever heard. Seriously, really fuckin' bad, guys."

Contestant 4: Two atoms were hanging out. And one said, "Help, I'm losing electrons!" The other said, "Are you sure?" And he [assigning gender to the atom] said, "I'm positive."

Cool

I just found out that I can update my blog by email from my Blackbery. Expect much more frequent updates in the future. That other program that I mentioned a couple weeks ago(CellSpin) was garbage.

Horrible People

If you were at Solly's in DC last night, and are not a comic, I hope you get the flu or something.
More to come.

Failblog.org

This site is funny. Check it out. Here are examples:

see more pwn and owned pictures

Correction

It looks like One World One Bag is still up. It's on page 2 of his blog. Watch that jonk.

Bad News, Folks

The "One World, One Bag" video has been taken down. It will live forever in my memory though. If you didn't get a chance to see it, your life will continue unfulfilled. 

For those not in the know, it's a 20-minute video in which he shows you how he packs a suitcase. He goes through everything in the bag, telling you the materials used to make his clothing, and the voltage of his electronics. But the highlight is when he shows off his jacket (scottevest.com) " WHICH HAS 55 POCKETS!" He puts his laptop in one pocket, then brags that "you can still put pillows and blankets in the back!" My friends and I watched the video at least 15 times over the weekend (which says something about us, I guess). Plus, I put it on my blog. I'm guessing he got the Google News Alert from my blog, where I called the video the douchiest thing I've ever seen. Then he probably saw the hits going up on the video and pulled it. Either that, or he decided that he can do a better job of packing a suitcase and is back to the drawing-board. After all, if it takes 25 years to design a business card, it has to take at least 40 to figure out how to pack a suitcase.

Greg "Bill Russell's Older Brother" Oden

I just want to point out that I was correct about Greg Oden, predicting he would be the next Sam Bowie.

These Tea Party People are a Different Kind of Crazy

Skip to 4:40.  They're actually anti-education.

Worst Song and Video ever

Great Joel Bauer Quote

"There is a nine month to one year wait for a JoeLive Personal Consulting Day (consultation investment begins at $25,000.00 USD p/day + a percentage of your increased profits)."

The business card douche

Larry Poon found out who the guy is from the business card video. It's the one and only Joel Bauer. His website is www.infotainer.com . Go there and spend your day with him. You'll have to enter an email address. Make one up. Scroll to the bottom and watch "One World... One Bag!" If you don't have time for the full 20 minutes, watch the first couple minutes, then skip to the 7 minute mark.

Your Business Card Sucks

This guy is Jim Marsdale with Jon Mumma's printing knowledge.  That reference was for 50 people. Continue...

My roommate sent it to me. After watching:

Him: "Hey, do you have any cards on you?" Nope. Still in the works.

Me: Hit me back when I'm 48.

If you didn't notice, it's a pop-up business card.

Some Organizations Take Themselves Seriously

PETA is annoying. It's not that they have bad intentions. It's that they demonstrate their intentions like a bunch of jackasses. Nine out of 10 PETA campaigns makes me cringe. They're only slightly better than the Code Pink people who sit in on Congressional hearings, yelling, sometimes with fake blood on their hands.

PETA, today, in something that somehow made their priority list, asked The Pet Shop Boys to change their name to The Rescue Shelter Boys. The group respectfully declined.

South Park on Kanye West and Carlos Mencia

Wackos

There's been a lot of craziness this week. The right-wing opposition to gay marriage has featured such logic as:
-It's fascism.
-Activist judges are blah-blah-blah.
-It destroys/invalidates "traditional" marriage.
-We shouldn't force gay marriage onto people.
-It's against religious beliefs.
-It's strips us of our liberty.

Fascism? Um, no, it's not. It's democracy.
Activist judges? If it's considered "activism" to apply Constitutional protections to every citizen, then sure. Judges: ACTIVATE. Autobots: TRANSFORM.
It ruins "traditional" marriage? I don't get this one at all. Obviously, it doesn't interfere with other marriages, just as a broken heterosexual marriage doesn't interfere with a healthy heterosexual marriage. And calling it "traditional" is ridiculous. Marriage traditions change every few generations. Polygamy, dowries, and arranged have pretty much died out. It's an institution created by people. It evolves with our minds.
We shouldn't force gay marriage onto people? I'm pretty sure it's not mandatory. If so, I'm against anything that's mandatory.
Against religious beliefs? Doesn't every religion preaches equality over everything else?
It strips us of our liberty? This is from a new anti-gay marriage commercial that is airing in a few states. I don't even understand their angle.
It's obvious that there's no rational argument against justice and equality. These people claim to care about "protecting marriage" when all they're really doing is trying to preserve prejudice.

Here's an example:

On a somewhat lighter note, Texas state Rep. Betty Brown, is fucking stupid. From the Houston Chronicle:
Brown suggested that Asian-Americans should find a way to make their names more accessible.
“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?” Brown said.
Brown later told Ko: “Can’t you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that’s easier for Americans to deal with?”

After the obvious backlash, her response was essentially, "Why Democrats gotta make this about race?" She should have just started her statement with, "Hey, I'm not racist, but..."

Albino?

This week Wanda Jackson was inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. She was a 50s singer who is rumored to have dated Elvis before he married a 15-year-old. When I read that, I thought, "Cool. Elvis didn't care about the backlash that a white entertainer would get in the 60s for dating a black woman. This, in a time when his hips weren't allowed to be shown on TV, shows integrity." So, I looked up a picture of Wanda Jackson.



I don't know if "disappointed" is the right word, but I'm definitely surprised.

3 Guys, 6 Calves

Watch this, and record your reaction, like 2Girls, 1Cup. It's not dirty, so don't worry about that. Just trust me.

My reaction video is below. The audio didn't come out right though, so we sound like aliens. When you're watching the video, think this: It's like a horse riding another horse.

Funny Parody

This guy is doing a convincing parody of religious fundamentalists who claim condoms don't prevent STDs. The big payoff is towards the end. Watch the whole thing.

I didn't know.

I saw a commercial during Meet the Press that was made by either the Nebraska Tourism Board, or people who wanted to make fun of the Nebraska Tourism Board. The slogan was "Nebraska: Who knew?" Nebraska: We're surprised too! It doesn't sound like they have a lot of confidence in their state. "Who knew?" is only one step up from "Nebraska: Whatever..."

I'm Moving to Japan

In Defense of the Blood Orange Purchase

Although it is called a blood orange, the name didn't deter me. Because when was the last time you had a red fruit that wasn't awesome? I was expecting the new strawberry. I had to reason to suspect that it was harvested in an ass (I'm pretty sure it was).

She's Back. Sort Of.

- If you haven't heard, former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, who was convicted of seven counts of corruption in the fall, had his charges dropped by Attorney General Eric Holder. The charges were dropped not because of the validity of the charges, but because evidence was withheld from the defense. This makes the entire case pointless. Some are saying that because he was prosecuted by Bush appointed attorneys, they flubbed the case on purpose. I don't know about that. I think they were probably just inept. That doesn't matter now though. What matters is that the Republican Party of Alaska and Sarah Palin are calling for Senator Mark Begich, who defeated Stevens, to resign. They claim that Stevens lost because he was seen as a criminal (true), and that he's now been exonerated (false). He's off the hook, but it has nothing to do with his innocense. I just think it's a little ballsy to tell a Senator who won and election fair and square to step down and have the election again. That would be like if the Lakers asked the NBA to replay the 2003-04 season because people thought Kobe was a rapist back then. But now we know he's not, so lets do it over. Come on, Pistons. Give back your championship.

-The Taliban is taking over again in Afghanistan. Here's video and an aritcle of/about a woman being flogged for talking to a man who wasn't her husband.

New Obsession

-Until about four hours ago, Glenn Beck really bothered me. Then I saw this video:

Now I can't take him seriously enough for him to bother me. He's my new train-wreck obsession. About once per month, I discover a blog or something that is so terrible that I can't stop reading. Glenn Beck is that blog. Look at clips of him on YouTube. He cries every time he mentions the United States. It's hilarious. The only people who buy into his stuff can't be smart enough to be a threat.

Blood Oranges are like oranges, but they're red.

I'm blogging from my Blackberry for the first time. If the fonts are messed up, blame it on CellSpin, the new program that handles Blogger, Twitter, Picassa and all that shit.
I'm writing as a warning. If you go to a produce stand, corner store, or grocery store, and they have a special on Blood Oranges, don't buy them. You'll think, "But the store says they're special. I should buy some." Don't. The only thing that's special about a Blood Orange is that it's the only citrus fruit that tastes like it came out of an ass. If you're at the age where you buy fruit, you probably know about all of the good ones. Stay away from these things.