New MLS Team

I would like to welcome the newest MLS team, The Philadelphia Union. During the off-season, The Philadelphia Union will operate as a bank. Good name, guys.

Update

We finished shooting the first chapter or episode or whatever you want to call it of the new Crucial Element series. We watched the footage and everything looks very good, and extremely funny. We're doing several parts, but not yet sure of how or when we're going to release them. We probably won't release anything until we have a few done, which I'm guessing will be in a couple months.
I just thought I would update everyone on this.

Oops

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Whitest Things You Can Do Power Rankings

I think I have a unique perspective for this since my family represents almost the entire world, minus  Australia and Eastern Europe. I think I have a pretty strong grasp on things that are uniquely white.

9. Golf - This used to be the whitest of the popular sports. Then Tiger Woods came along and has been the best or second best performer (maybe Phelps) in an individual sport in decades, which has changed the game for the better. I play golf about once per year, and the courses have a lot of Asian players and some black players. So, Tiger Woods, kudos to you, good sir.

8. Picnics - Picnics are the official meal style of White Stereotypeland. It's so white that I don't even understand the logic behind them. "Let's take this food that we could eat here, where we are right now, in the comfort of our home, and go to a park where birds and bugs will try to eat our food while we get sunburned. That would be dandy."

7. Ultimate Frisbee - To this day, I don't think I've ever seen a non-white person throw a frisbee, much less play Ultimate Frisbee. One day, during college, some people asked me to play Ultimate Frisbee with them. I didn't know what I was doing, and kept getting violations called on me. They kicked me out about five minutes into the game. It's like a real sport, but they made athleticism against the rules. That's the ultimate way to make a sport white - eliminate athleticism from the equation. It's like in the 60s or 50s when they made dunking against the rules in basketball.

6. Going for a Walk - I'm just basing this on my family. I know my dad and step-mom go for walks. But if someone was to ask my step-dad to go for a walk, he would look at them like they were crazy.

5. Getting Excited About Local Beers - This is one of those things that I really don't get. Most local beers aren't very good, which is why they have remained local. "It's so good that you can only get it in York, PA" doesn't make sense. But the type of white people who host Christmas parties that they get dressed up for also get really excited about micro-brews. "It has a hint of oatmeal!" You know what else has a hint of oatmeal? Fucking oatmeal. Oatmeal is good. Beer is good. Don't combine them. And don't host Christmas parties where you expect everyone to get dressed up.

4. Water Polo - This should be number one, but this game is so white that it's too white for 99.999999% of white people. I'm also not including equestrian sports for this reason. It combines polo, European Handball, and a pool. Three super-white things combine to make a sport that's almost translucent.

4. Eating Sorbet or Orange Marmalade - Don't argue with me on this.

3. Owning Binoculars - Whenever I'm at a sporting event, or (this sounds really white, and should probably be included in the list) in a wildlife refuge, there are always at least two or three white people nearby with binoculars. The naked eye is never good enough for the white man.

2. Skiing (Snow or Water) - I'm waiting for the Tiger Woods of skiing to come along and break this wall down. I don't know when it's going to happen, but it seems like it has to. Somewhere in a Colorado town, a two-year-old half-Asian, half-black kid is hitting the slopes every day, slaloming his ass off. And one day he's going to change the world and make skiing viewership skyrocket from 100 viewers per event to somewhere around 106 viewers.

1. Sailing - I think the USA has won something like 100 straight Whatever the World Cup of Sailing is Called titles. All white crews every time. Very white.

If I die in a couple weeks, this is what happened...

I'm doing a show at Auburn in a couple weeks. My good friend, Leah, lives on the Gulf coast of Mississippi. I'm going to visit her for two days prior to the show. She just sent me an email that says: 

Do you know how to sail? Someone just offered me a free Sunfish which would be fun to do while you're here...but I can't sail.

I'm assuming a Sunfish is a boat. This is definitely the first time I've ever been asked if I know how to sail. I think sailing is probably the whitest activity a person can do, which is fine. It blows golf and tennis away (almost wrote "out of the water"). Well, I've never been on a sailboat, mainly because my step-dad is black, and I have six black brothers. And everyone knows that white folks whose step-dad and brothers are black don't sail. However, we can swim, despite the stereotype. In fact, I challenge each and every one of you to a 50M freestyle race. I will crush you. Backstroke too, if you want. No breaststroke. Back to the subject... I told her we should just "try to figure it out." So a couple people who don't know how to operate a boat are going to try to go sailing in the Gulf of Mexico. The Gulf can't be that big. If we get lost, we'll just end up on the other side of the Gulf. We'll pack lots of sandwiches.

I'm now going to write a Whitest Things You Can Do Power Rankings...

Punctuation can change the tone of a bumper sticker.

I just saw a bumper sticker in Hoboken that said, "No Farmers! No Food!" I think the first exclamation mark should have been a comma. Otherwise, this person is taking the first anti-food position, probably, ever.

This isn't fair

I just have to comment on Sonya (Maria) Santomayor being nominated to the Supreme Court. The Republicans are right. This is clear racial bias. I mean, look at me. I wasn't even considered for the court, and I'm white! I'm also a man, kind of. More like an adult child. But still, I'm white and I deserve a better job than a damn Puerto Rican who barely graduated at the top of her class at Princeton, and was the editor of the Yale Law Review because no white people wanted the job. Dammit, I'm white!

Fail.

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Crucial Element Update

I've been slow on the blogs because Quincy and I are recording a new Crucial Element EP, tentatively titled, "AutoPoon." It should be finished by the end of the week. When it is, I'll post a download link for the whole EP. It will be 5-7 songs. We're finishing our third tonight.
Our first three tracks are: Shawty Lo, The Island, and I Don't Give a Fuck. We think this is going to be the best/worst Crucial Element music yet.
We're also shooting a CE short series, shooting episode 1 this weekend.
More to come...

Jersey City, Folks

You can look through my blog archives and see that there isn't much education in Jersey City. Also, kids are bad. We have a store called "99c Power: Everything 99c or Less or More." One time, Quincy and I walked out of our apartment and there were two pair of 10-year-olds making out in front of our steps. Another time, a 10-year-old girl responded to two 10-year-old boys who were talking about her ass, "Why you lookin' if you don't want it?"
Now I have another episode for the archives. I just went to Dunkin Donuts. There was a sign on one register, which you can see in my Facebook Mobile Uploads, which read: "No Latte Machine Does't Work." It's like an Olde English-Jersey City hybrid. Latte doth not worketh, mufucka. No more than five seconds later, the "Shift Leader" and two customers had a piece of paper out, trying to solve a complex theorem. Mathematicians have been stumped by the problem for years. Pythagoris, Descartes, Einstein, Hawking and Ed Whitten couldn't figure it out. But a few of JC's best are up to the task. You may have heard of the theorem. It's called "$4.37-$3.88=?". The paper had so much writing on it, but nothing coming close to the answer. Some numbers were scribbled out. Some were circled. None were the answer. Finally, a customer said, "Oh snap," and pulled out his cell phone. A few seconds later, beaming with pride, he showed it to the cashier, and like he was on Family Feud, he yelled, "49 cents!" Then everyone started smiling because one of their own used his brain. Well, not his brain. But his phone. But his brain told him to use his phone. Close enough.

Some Blogs Make Their Own Gravy

A friend turned me on to his former co-worker's blog. It is phenomenal. The guy is a lunatic. Background info from my friend: The guy "cries a lot... his friends call him Columbine." His friends call him that. I've taken excerpts of my favorite blog of his pasted them below. It's going to seem sad at first, but stick with it. It's pathetic, not sad. I hope you enjoy how much of a douche this guy is.

My 5 year relationship with Dani is over.

In short: she lied to me, abused me, stole from me, and finally cheated on me and left.

Of course there is a longer story and I'm sure I'll write about it more some other time. I just feel compelled to mention it now since it has been so long since I have blogged. And while I am not perfect and certainly gave her reasons to be angry the consensus from anyone in the know and even my own deep consideration is that nothing I could've possibly done could justify her attitudes and behaviors in a manner that made it ok for her to cheat and act the way she does.

That was the intro. Now we're getting to the meat.

Dani's position was that I mistreated her and didn't appreciate her.

Mistreat her? I doubt it. Let's hear some examples.

She would be upset if I told her I thought she was stupid, or that she wasn't sanitary, or if she was being rude.

I can kind of see where she was coming from. What do you think she did to deserve being called stupid  and dirty?

Dani would stay up very late and into the morning most nights, including work nights. We're talking 3 or 4 am. What was she doing? Playing the game that ran her life: Final Fantasy XI. And while people get addicted to games all of the time, it wasn't about the game for her. It was about the attention she would recieve from the boys she met on the game.

Now, you said "boys." As in kids? You're both 30. And how do they give you attention on a video game? There's no interaction other than, "I'll kill Gorlack. You wait here."

I was never comfortable with her staying up so late. I didn't care about the game so much. But I knew her history with people on that game. She once tried to move up to New Hampshire for some people she had met on the game! More about that later.

That's called a cliffhanger, folks. I can't to hear more about that later.

So anyways, young boys would text her even when we were out on dates or running errands. And when it got to the point that it bothered me and I let her know, she kept in touch with them off of the game anyways. Massive red flags were popping up everywhere. And it all came to a head about February.

Now he's explicitly saying "young boys." I'm really starting to think these are children. I don't think it's illegal to text a child, but if you aren't related to them, it should be. What good is going to come out of that? "I just need to know how to defeat King Mootron."

A "mutual" friend of ours flew out to visit Maryland from Los Angeles to hang out with Dani and myself. It was a novelty at first. Dani shrugged him off as nice but unattractive, irresponsible, and annoying. But then, before this guy flew back to LA, Dani spent some time with him alone while I was at work. I knew something was up, because she was so dissmissive of him earlier in his visit but now so eager to see him to the point she went out of her way.

Get ready for it. You're about to read the best paragraph that the Internet has ever seen.

Not even two weeks later, Dani told me she had to fly out to a special work function in LA. It struck me as very odd that they would have a secretary fly cross country for a meeting, but Dani got insanely defensive when I asked about it, going so far as to produce a memo from work and pushing me to call her boss, knowing that I would not embarrass her. I knew very well that she creates memos for a living but ignored that. So she flew out there for 5 days, swearing she wouldn't contact this guy. Her bill told me she was texting him 30-1 compared to me! WOW did she get defensive when I brought it up and changed the password to her online cell bill.

Okay. So she writes the memos. Big deal. It was obvious that she was lying. But the cell bill thing... Holy shit. It doesn't sound like they have a joint account. So this is illegal. And he counted the texts. Unbelievable. And what did she have to do in order for him to change the password back? Oh, maybe we'll find out in the next paragraph, which is actually the best paragraph in Internet history, which I warned you about earlier.

When she came back she was totally withdrawn. And I knew what had happened. My fears were confirmed the very first time we had sex. She totally felt different. She was stetched out and the very moment I entered her, she let out a very loud and embarrassing queef. She was almost going through the motions and I suspect she even faked her orgasms. I knew she had cheated. 

Read that paragraph again. "She was stretched out and the very moment I entered her, she let out a very loud and embarrassing queef." There's an annual award for the worst sex writing. This has to win this year. I'm nominating it.

She was offered a new job out in LA and she wanted to move there.

No shit.

And finally, moving day came.

The night before, I asked her very clearly not to take the nice camera I had bought. I just pictured her using it to record new sex movies with her disgusting new boyfriend. I told her to take the functional Sony camera instead and she didn't put up a fight.

Cameras are also used for other things.

But the next day I noticed my camera was missing. I asked her and she matter of factly told me she had packed it. But this wasn't until we were at the airport and she was running late for her flight. It was pretty strategic because I couldn't possibly make her miss her flight over a camera.
...

Of course she went out of her way to pick at me. I tried keeping things in email but she made things personal when I asked her not to and went out of her way to throw her new life in my face. She would post pictures of her and her disgusting new boyfriend on her My Space. I stopped looking but of course my mother would let me hear it. Or she agreed to send me money and would later recant. OR she would tell me what a horrible person I was to her and how her new man appreciated her. I am talking some real high school shit. Anything to get a rise out of me, to the point that she would make passing comments about dates I went on or my new job with T-Mobile. Total immaturity.

She's throwing her new life in his face by putting pictures on Myspace? He must have one of those new computers that requires him to look at her Myspace page every time he checks his email. They're really nice. And I like that his mother is getting involved. Other questions: Why would she send you money? You're mocking her for "some real high school shit"?

There is so much more to write and so much more to tell. 5 years is a long time. And there were good times too. But all I have to remember Dani by is her selfishness and hypocracy. She hated my brother Steve for sleeping with all of my girlfriends but in the end she was no better then he was. In fact in a final defiance and refusal to take responsibility, she told me that something was wrong with ME to make all of these girls cheat on me.

Whoa, you're brother sleeps with your girlfriends? Where is that blog?

She actually said that.

Well, yeah.

So she is now banging this scumbag from LA that she dismissed as being digusting for being a pothead. I remember him telling us the stories about how his wife(!!!) would harrass the women he was seeing on the side because of the son(!!!) they were raising. And all I could hope is that she finds out about Dani. But at least she didn't bring scabies(!!!) to him like she did when she brought them to me from the dirtbag she was doing in New Hampshire. 

More some other time on the dirty whore.

No comment. The last paragraph makes its own gravy.

Renovations

I started cleaning my room a few days ago and realized that my roommate and I need a girl to move in with us. If we had a female roommate, there's no way a lot of things in our apartment would exist. To be clear, the place isn't dirty. It's not smelly or anything. It's just disorganized (I'm slow to put away clean clothes and sort mail), and has a lot of very random objects in odd places. It's tough though. Where do you keep your woodblocks and claves? We're going to try to fix this.

The following are renovations that I realize need to take place in my apartment:

(We both now have flat-screen TVs, which is why there are two exra TVs.)

-Take TV sitting on my bedroom floor, which is used as a table to hold contracts, to Goodwill.

-Take TV sitting on the living room floor, which is used as a third (very narrow) end table, to Goodwill.

-It's such a hassle to go to Goodwill, so we'll just put that trip on the ol' to-do list for now. At least it's in the docket.

-Once TV is gone from bedroom floor, fill that space with boxes that are currently next to massage chair in living room.

-Once TV is gone from living room floor, the fan can be moved from my office back to its rightful place.

-When it gets warmer outside, Quincy's AC unit will be moved from the floor in my office to his bedroom window.

-When it gets warmer outside, my AC unit will be moved from the kitchen floor to my bedroom window.

-Until it gets warmer, the 1x2 that is laying in front of my AC unit will be moved to behind the AC unit, thereby concealing said lumber.

-CDs on floor of my room will be moved to CD racks that are directly behind aforementioned CDs.

-40 or so CDs on the couch in my office will be moved to previously referenced CD rack, allowing the couch to host people instead of CDs.

-Old headshots of mine will continue to be hid in cabinets, in Quincy's bed, et cetera.

Once these things have been completed, I will be a grown-up.

Which Wizard Are We Talking About?

I don't have audio to substantiate this, but my roommate and I heard a girl singing a song about "longing to see the Wizard." The problem is that both of us are sure it's not a Wizard of Oz song. Was this girl singing a KKK devotional song? Does the KKK have devotional songs? We know they have a glee club, so they must have devotional songs.
Now that I remember, if you see Hate Rock on The History Channel or Discovery, watch it. Andy Kline and I saw it. It's better than you could imagine.

This Just In...

-If you're looking for some new music to check out, I recommend Carina Round's "Things You Should Know." I just found it this morning. It's great. Only $5 at iTunes.

Now I'm going through old notes on my phone...

-I heard a guy say that a gay guy was hitting on him and it made him uncomfortable. Not me. Practically speaking, being hit on ("game spat," for my cool readers) by a woman makes more sense. But from an ego standpoint, I'd much rather be approached by a guy. That's peer respect. He's knows what's going on and is still interested. A woman has no idea. She's taking a shot in the dark. Big deal. It's like how I don't make money if comics like my comedy, but it's much more satisfying that comics like my stuff than for random audience members to like me. In this analogy, women can't spot a hack.

-I saw a guy standing at a bus stop with his thumb out, like he was hitchhiking. I'm not sure if he didn't understand how bus stops work, or if he just wanted to feel like he accomplished something. The bus rolls up, "Works every time."

-Whenever you see a bomb squad in a movie, trying to determine which wire to cut, it never makes sense to me. They're like, "Is it the red wire or the blue wire? Red or blue?" There's only two wires! Why are people who can't remember which wire to cut in this position to begin with? They didn't cover that in bomb squad school? It's like they only learned how to make dismantling a bomb more dramatic. Bomb squad school should be five seconds. You walk in, they say, "Cut red first." Bam. Certificate.

-My ladyfriend and I went on a mini-vacation last week. We went into a little art store in the town. They had some cool stuff, except for some stuff in the back, which would have fit in better at a Cracker Barrel or Claire's. We were standing towards the back, when an older woman started laughing hysterically. She called to her husband, "You have to see this. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen!" He looked at it, underwhelmed as she read the glass cat magnet aloud, "What part of MEOW don't you understand?" 

The husband, regretting his marriage, said, "Yep. Really funny. Good stuff."

"That is so good. What part of MEOW don't you understand? That's just like our cat."

No it's not. No cat is like that. Cat's don't have the ability to be snide. I can't stand people who act like their cat is a person, and I think claiming that your cat is sarcastic falls into this category.

We left the store a minute later and went next door to another art store, which was nothing like the first one. It was wildlife art, such as wooden duck decoys, the face of an owl burnt onto a stump, and paintings of wolves. The town we were in is famous for its wild pony population. There are about 150 wild ponies that roam the island. So most of the paintings in this huge store were of ponies. One was about 7'x4'. Enormous. It had about 50 "pony scenes" on it. Everything from ponies drinking water to ghost ponies flying a ship in the sky. It was incredible. If I had enough money, I would have bought it. We stood there, marveling at this painting, when an older man walked up and sarcastically said, "This is for someone who likes ponies." We laughed and agreed. Then he said, "This place has so much good stuff. I just don't have the wall space." Then we realized he wasn't being sarcastic, so we replied, "Yeah, good stuff."

Background info: My friend, Glen, and I have been collecting animal t-shirts for a few years now. It's a contest. Once one person buy a certain animal, the other person can't. Wolves are my specialty.

Then we walked around a little, until I stumbled upon the $5.99 clearance t-shirt rack. It was pony paintings on t-shirts. There were a lot of good ones, but I picked out the best. You can see it on my Facebook page. If the link doesn't work for you, it's a lime green shirt, with a Pony walking out of the ocean at night, in front of a purple sky. The inscription below the night pony is "You Light Up My Life." A better shirt hasn't been made since shirts first came out.

We walked to the register. A weird looking guy was working there. He was about 5'6", with medium-length black hair, which was balding on top. Aside from the balloons that were painted on his face (outdoor festival in the town), he looked downright sloppy. When I slid the shirt across the counter to him, he paused, looking at it closely. "Is this for your wife" he asked.

She and I both almost started laughing. It's hard to buy something like this while pretending you like it. So I couldn't even say enough words to let him know that she isn't my wife. All I could say was, "It's for me."

"Oh, okay. The reason I asked is because I originally painted this for my wife. That's why it says 'You Light Up My Life.'"

There was an awkward pause, which my girlfriend filled with, "That's so sweet." We both almost lost it then, but stayed composed.

"She was my high school sweetheart, but I married her 22 years after high school. So... yeah... I painted this pony for her."

I had to say something. All I could come up with was, "And for all of us," while opening my arms, gesturing towards all of his customers.

"Yeah, but originally for my wife."

"Right." Then I pointed to the shirt and said, "I like the colors." I don't know what that meant. I just wanted the conversation to end.

Then he picked it back up by asking, "Do you want me to sign it?"

"That would be fantastic."

"Do you want me to write your name on it too?"

And in a response that I immediately regretted, I said, "That's okay."

Then we left.

The funniest part about this was he painted her a picture of a pony. She probably saw it and said, "Oh great, another fucking pony. I'll put it with the other 900 pony paintings." 

Then he got defensive and said, "But it says 'You Light Up My Life'."

"What does a Debby Boone song have to do with a pony?"

"Uh, it's for you. I don't know. Would you have preferred a wolf or a duck decoy?"

The great part about the inscription is "You Light Up My Life" isn't an original thing to say. It's an old song title. He just took a song title, and wrote it below an animal. When we returned, I did the same for my girlfriend.

NASA Pictures are the shit.

Go here. Put the mouse over the picture.

Ron Artest is a Wild Card

From the AP Story about the Lakers-Rockets game. You'll like this even if you don't follow basketball.

...But if you think the Rockets are suddenly feeling the magnitude of the moment and are about to get crushed under the weight of playing a Game 7, just listen to this portion of Ron Artest's postgame interview.

"'Five Dollar Foot-long' is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the FreeCreditReport.com, and then 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on. When 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."

Anytime a key player has more to say about commercial jingles than adjustments, it's the sign of a loose team.

Crazy Guy

Last night, I went to a music show (concert) by roommate and Crucial Element compadre, Quincy Ledbetter, and another high school friend. The show was excellent. Our friend, Mike, who is our Crucial Element co-creator was there as well. We noticed a crazy guy inside before the show started. He looked like Bob Dylan (recent Bob Dylan with huge hair and mustache), which isn't a good look unless you are Bob Dylan. Otherwise, you just look like a crazy hobo. He wasn't traditional crazy. I think he was on something. What, I'm not sure. I don't think he was really drunk. And it wasn't pot or coke. Maybe a pain-killer or something.

Prior to the show, he yelled out, to no one in particular, "It's been about a week since I've heard a live drum kit!" The exclamation mark is there because he exclaimed it. If I was a little more of a dick, I would have yelled, "It's been roughly two months since I've had an avocado!"

Before the show started, Mike and I were outside talking. Then crazy guy approached. I transcribed the conversation as well as I could. This is abbreviated though, as the conversation actually lasted more than 10 minutes. I don't remember who said what out of Mike and I, so I'll just attribute everything to "Us."

Conversation begin:

Crazy Guy: Do either of you have a cigarette?

Us: No.

CG: Are you lovers?

Us: Of each other?

CG: Yes.

Us: No.

CG:Do you work in marketing?

Us: No, but good follow-up.

CG: Construction?

Us: Nope.

CG: I'm gonna get this.

Us: Get what?

CG: Questions.

Us: I can tell.

CG: Do you own a franchise?

Us: No franchises here.

...

CG: You've known each other for a long time?

Us: Yes.

CG: You fought over the same girl and there's tension between you two?

Us: No.

CG: You work together. No, exchange students. You swapped houses?

Us: No.

CG: You transferred to a new city and met.

Us: Kind of. Can we just tell you.

CG: [reluctantly] Yeah, go ahead. I don't know why I can't figure this out.

Us: We were college roommates.

CG: Ohhhhh. I should have... I can't believe I didn't get that.

...

CG: So, do you work in construction?

Us: Still don't work in construction.

CG: Even with this economy, things are picking up. [To me]You dress cool. [To Mike]You dress clean.

Us: Why, thank you.

CG: Ahhhh, I give up. What do you do?

Us: We write stuff together.

CG: Like what? Like screenplays?

Us: Mainly action-adventure movies.

CG: I can't believe I didn't guess that. Are you writing about James Joyce and Samuel Beckett?

Us: No. That's been done.

CG: Any other Irish writers?

Us: Action-adventure.

CG: That's great. You know, I write too.

Us: Cool. What do you write?

CG: I write notes.

Us: Notes?

CG: Yeah, notes.

Us: Like a to-do list? Like if you miss a phone call, you make a note to call the person back?

CG: More or less.

Us: Cool.

CG: I'm working on this other thing too.

Us: What's that?

CG: You know Seinfeld, the show?

Us: Yes.

CG: Well, I'm thinking we do a new on with new people and call it Seinfeld 2. It will be like Seinfeld, but for the new generation. Like Empire Strikes Back.

Us: Good idea, because you can't watch Seinfeld on TV or DVD these days.

CG: Exactly.

Us: Have you thought about casting yet?

CG: No. I haven't got that far yet.

Us: I'd get on that if I were you.

CG: Let me ask you a question. Do you think George Lucas stole Star Wars from the Star Wars comic book?

Me: I'm pretty sure the comic book was based on the movie.

CG: I don't think so, because I had the comic books as a kid. I think Lucas stole the idea.

Mike: Didn't he base Star Wars on Greek mythology?

CG: Let's put this to rest.

...

CG: Anyway, do you have a cigarette?

Us: Still don't.

CG: It was good talking to you guys.

Us: Yep.

My friend Matt Mayer in the Onion

He's been writing freelance for The Onion for a little while now. And now he's starring in the funniest Onion News Network video I've seen. He's the dog. Check this out.

Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Watch Miss California's Press Conference

This is incredible. The whole situation is ridiculous. She's against gay marriage. So what? Half the country is, and it's a beauty pageant. She's not trying to be a dean at Harvard. But she's doing a speech now that is ridiculous. Some highlights:
"Thanks... for allowing me to continue to be Miss California USA." I just found out "Miss California USA" is the official title. Still sounds stupid.
"Second of all, I'd like to thank [some organization]for their support thus forward."
"I think of my grandfather [tears]... fighting for my freedoms [sobs]..." in WWII. She's applying WWII to this situation. And crying about it. Very funny.
Now it's Q&A time. Look up the video on CNN. This is pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Professionalism

I'm at the Jersey City Parking Authority. I'm waiting to be helped. Have been waiting for 5 minutes. The employees are talking to each other. Quotes:
"Shit, I only get bodacious when I'm drunk."
"I'll shove those fuckin' flowers up her ass."
"I have another previous engagement that day, so... shit."

New fashion trend?

I just saw a Dominican guy trying to look like a thug while wearing a North Face fanny pack. If this catches on, I'm killing myself.

?

Who the fuck is Steven Botchko and why are there commercials about him?

Home Shopping Network Blooper

Unexpected

If someone wearing a sombrero walks over to you and says, "I have a question for you," and the question isn't sombrero-related, then you will never win the lottery or be struck by lightning. That's your 1 in 35 million moment. Soak it in.

Terrible Tattoos and Names

A girl next to me on the train has her kids' names tattooed on her arm, along with moons (plural) and stars. The names are Lions, Narma and Zimothy. Lions is clearly a boy, and an asshole in training. Narma is going to be really into astrology and ask everyone their birthday when she meets them. Then she'll tell them about their sign. They'll say she wasn't accurate. Then she'll say, "Oh, then what's your moon sign? You're probably a moon sign person." That's when the other person will decide the friendship isn't worth it. And Zimothy will try to be Superman's arch-nemesis, until he discovers that Superman isn't real.

FYI for other city bike riders

If you jump a curb at a 45 degree angle, in the rain, on a mountain bike, going fast, you will fall. Your glasses will go flying. But you will be okay. Someone will ask if you're okay. You'll pretend you didn't even fall, even though you're holding mud-covered glasses, and respond, "I'm good. Thanks man." Then, as you're riding away, you'll mumble over and over for everyone to hear, "Why do people think I fell every time I do that? Never seen the X-Games?"

What Was It Supposed to Say?

I think the PC term is Pork Homos.


see more pwn and owned pictures

What are the odds?

A car next to me has a magnetic sign for their company. It's called Pure Romance. It's a sex toy party thing. Like Tupperware parties, except with anal beads and the like. I'm not sure when anal beads became "purely romantic," but I guess the definition of purity changes. Some Christian girls only do anal to stay "pure." Actually, I think Ryan Conner the porn star is in a movie called Pure Anal. So, there's that.
Anyway, the girl in the car had her name on the sign. Megan Beavers. Come on. If you have to come up with a porn name for your job, you shouldn't put the name on your car. Although it would be cool if private strippers had ads on their cars that just said something like "Sprinkles," and a phone number. I met one other sex toy person after a show. Her name was Beth Heur, which in Boston would be pronounce "whore." Can't be a coincidence.

More WTOP Goodness

"Tonight, the Los Angeles Lakers will face the Houston Astros in Game 1..."
I'm not sure which sport they're going to be playing, but I'm sure it's gonna be a slobberknocker.

We Have to Fill Time

I'm listening to WTOP, a news radio station in DC. There was just a hilarious exchange.
Guy: And now with an update on measles.
Woman: There have been no cases of the measles. It has been eradicated in our country.
Guy: Thank you for that update.

Question

Is it possible to whisper in Chinese? I don't think so.

PETA Fantastic

PETA's new spokesman just may be Michael Vick. Yes, that Michael Vick. Not the Michael Vick who works at your local vet. Considering how much PETA annoys me, I love this. It might be enough for me to start liking Vick.
Also, and I don't know how this happened on the same day, but OJ Simpson is the spokesperson for a battered women's shelter in Palm Beach. Here's the video PSA.

More Joel Bauer

He's back, and he's teaching his daughter how to kill.

Odd sale items

The post office sells framed pictures of sam cassell playing for the wolves, jermaine o'neal on the pacers and ben wallace on the pistons. I'm not saying this is why the post office is out of money, but it can't help. I'm pretty sure outdated framed pictures of retired and washed up nba players aren't considered hot impulse buys. Maybe they could start selling gum. That would be a step in the right direction.

Delicious Irony

This is awesome.

Israel's Deputy Health Minister said the term "Swine Flu" is offensive to Jews and Muslims. He suggests we call it something less offensive. His suggestion: "Mexican Flu." In Israel, not only do they not have Mexicans, but they also don't have irony. I hope there's a push for gay marriage there and he says the word "gay" is offensive to religious people. "Can we call it something less offensive, like 'Queer Communion'?"

Highlights from a recent show.

I did a Make a Wish benefit. The show was good. The crowd was good. We raised a lot of money. I have to say that before I make jokes about it.

It was at a college in Boston. I just hosted, did about 15-20 minutes of stand-up throughout, while the show was a student talent show. All of the acts were good at what they were doing, but a few things did stand out.

1. I only had a list of performers' names, not what they did. When I introduced the second act, and two "assistants" wheeled out a table of magic tricks, I almost lost it. I managed to make it off stage without laughing. Quincy, my roommate, came with me and was watching offstage. I walked up to him and said, "You don't like my illusions...my illusions... A trick is something a whore does for money... or cocaine." (Arrested Development) This was great to see in person because there's been a magic renaissance on TV lately. He and I watch whenever it's on. I can't think of anything funnier than a guy dancing around to Yanni, with a serious expression on his face, before pulling a dove out of his jacket. Just pull out the dove. Dancing not necessary. So, we're watching this student magician, I mean illusionist, with the hopes that she'll have a similar presentation. We looked up, and she sure enough did. She did the whole GOB thing, running around the stage while Pink's "I'm Coming Out" was blasting, and she was doing this shrug thing with her shoulders, which I took as, "I can't believe I'm doing this either."

I'm not going to knock the tricks, only the presentation.

The best part was between tricks, she threw a bunch of metallic confetti into the crowd, then danced around with a "Yeah, bitches... confetti!" look on her face. It was great. It looked like she thought the crowd didn't know what confetti is and didn't know where it came from.That's the magician.

2. I didn't realize that I shouldn't have said this until I told my friend Chris, and he started laughing really hard, saying, "Tell me you didn't really say that."One of the acts wasn't really an act. She just told of her experiences of working with Make a Wish. It was a really sad story, obviously. It's Make a Wish. The story was about her meeting a lot of kids... and then they die. Nothing is sadder than dead kids. Also, nothing brings a talent show to a grinding halt like someone talking about dead kids. I was listening to her story. She was crying and shaking. I was in the moment, pretty shaken up, until she said, "... when I look up at the stahs..." What the fuck is a stahs? Then I realized that's how people in Boston pronounce "stars." It really threw me off. It was like if I was watching Hotel Rwanda, and all of a sudden they cut to a bear on a tricycle. It's hard to get back in the mood after that. Anyway, I had to go back on stage after this speech, and introduce the next act, but I'm not supposed to do jokes, thank God. So I went up and said, joking, but I guess it's still not good, "Good thing I don't have to do jokes after that[nodding toward where she stood]... Awkward... Dead kids and stuff... Alright guys, who wants to hear a joke about lemonade? No one. Good. Well I hope you're in the mood for dancing then, because the next act..." About 10 percent of the crowd laughed at that, but it was obvious that they were trying not to laugh, because the other 90 percent were crying, as they should have been.

3. Because students were performing, their families came. There were kids in the audience. Not high-schoolers. Kids. Like 7-year-olds. And it turns out, a baby. I was doing the joke about the porn star Ryan Conner, and during a pause, a baby started to cry. That was a first. I was doing a version of the joke that's clean enough for network TV, but I'm not sure if it's clean enough for infants. The other bad joke choice of the night, which I did on purpose, was after a gospel choir, I did a joke called "Deez Nutz." The crowd got that I did it then on purpose.

4. When the school was presenting the check to the charity, Quincy and I were standing off-stage. He was stretching or something - his hands were above his head. So, while his arms were in the air, and we were just barely off of the stage, I lunged at him with my hands doing a tickle motion, and said, "Who's ticklish?" It's my new favorite thing to do. I was not prepared for his response. He jumped and let out a soft screech, then ran, while saying over and over, "Don't do that. Don't do that. You didn't know I'm ticklish?" The people on stage could hear this, I think, because I noticed some looks. Now, I didn't know whether or not he was ticklish. How would I know that, unless I had tickled him in the past. I hadn't. Plus he's 28-years-old. You'd think he could handle a good tickle. He can't. Like a child.

This is unrelated, but one of my little brothers used to be so ticklish that he would pee in his pants whenever tickled. This earned him the nickname (from my dad) Chief Pees-a-lot.

5. Oh yeah, there was a dance troupe and a big girl's ass crack was sticking out the whole time. That's all I have to report on that.