I Want My MTV

I would like to thank the good folks at MTV for changing my life today.

I have developed a recent daily routine of biking to a soccer field a few miles from my apartment, playing for an hour or two, then biking home. However, today things didn't go according to plan. I arrived at the field. People were playing a pick-up game on one end. I stopped on the other end to warm up. I sat down, put on my cleats, put my other shoes back in my bag, and tossed my ball out for a 35 yard free kick to get things started. As soon as I struck the ball, my right groin popped. Oops. End of game. So, I had to sit down, take off the cleats and put the other shoes back on. I bet I looked like a real winner to the people on the other end of the field. They're thinking I biked to a field, put on cleats, took one shot (which was plenty), took off the cleats and left.

Once I got home, I needed to rest my leg to keep swelling down. I don't normally watch TV during the day, but I decided to see what was on. There was nothing on the channels that I would normally watch. Then I got to MTV. Teen Cribs. Are you fucking serious? Yes, I'll watch that. What? Only 10 minutes left in the show? Well, what's on next? 16 and Pregnant. That can't be a real show. Wait... it is. This is how MTV brought me back to their arms after 13 years astray.

The subject was a girl named Farrah. Timely. She got knocked up by a guy named Billy Mays. Timely, but not true. She's a sophomore cheerleader from an upper-middle class family. I think it goes without saying that she's a moron(not for getting pregnant, but for getting pregnant and being on this show). Her mom was about half of a moron. And her dad clearly didn't want to consent to the TV show. I forgot to mention that this show unintentionaly glorifies teen pregnancy. So it's horrible for kids. But I felt like I was watching a montage of Nascar wrecks. It was a constant string of "This can't be real" moments.

Some of the best sequences:

- She was talking about how she had been pregnant for a few months and still wore a size 2 (Female readers: "Bitch."). Her mom said, "Well, get ready, because you're going to put on some weight pretty soon."

With utter disbelief in her eyes, Farrah shot back: "Whatever, mom! Not me!"

"You'll see."

"I'm not gaining any weight."

It's like she didn't realize that she would be carrying a person around. And that person would have weight.

-The other cheerleaders began to sort of ostracize her, and completely talk shit behind her back. But the gay guy cheerleader came to her defense. The two of them were having a heart-to-heart when he said, "Be strong. You're called a cheer-leader, not cheer-follower."

When he said that, I started applauding. It was the first time a non-sporting event provoked me to clap from home. When I got tired of clapping, I rewound it and started slapping the couch, yelling, "Say it again!" until I had seen it another three times.

-While out to dinner at Perkins, the mom advised Farrah to look into adoption. Farrah would have none of it. She said, "It can't be that hard. I want to be a single mother."

"It's extremely hard and will consume all of your time."

"Nuh-uh. Once I get things started, it will be really easy." What the fuck does that mean? What "things" does she have to get started? She thinks it's like making Red Velvet cake or something. "Once I get the icing made, it's easy..."

I don't think she understands what a baby is. She's just thinking, "This is gonna look sooo cute with those new jeans I bought. Ohhhhh, I hope it's an Ed Hardy baby!"

-As she was about to go out with friends, which she did every night while five months pregnant, her mom said, "You're not going to have time to do this once you have the baby."

"Okay, mom. We'll see."

Then it cut to an interview with Farrah talking about how great it is to have a mom who wants to share the responsibility of a newborn baby. Yeah, I'm sure her mom is thrilled.

-Farrah and her mom went to her doctor for an Ultra-Sound. Farrah asked the Physician's Assistant about the process for inducing labor if necessary. The PA started to respond, but her mom (this is the scene where we found out she's half-moron) covered her ears and said, "Stop it! That baby is gonna fly out of you like a banana out of a banana peel! So stop it with the vulgarities!" I'm pretty sure the banana metaphor was a little more vulgar than the idea of inducing labor.

-The doctor had the whatever-you-call-it on Farrah's stomach, and they were listening to the baby's heartbeat. Then the doctor touched the other side of Farrah's stomach and said, "And this is where your baby's head is."

Farrah looked absolutely flustered and asked, "Hold on, how could the heartbeat be on this side, and the head be on the other side."

Then the doctor remembered that bringing a baby into the world isn't always a good thing, and broke the news to Farrah: "Um, the heart... is not in the head, so..."

Farrah looked suspicious of the doctor for a split second, then smiled and said, "Omigosh!"

I don't think Karl Pilkington has ever said anything that stupid.

When one of my brothers was 11, while playing Trivial Pursuit, he claimed that B.E.T. stood for "Black Entertainmen-T." That's not nearly as bad.

-The doctor began telling Farrah and her mother about breastfeeding options. Farrah cut her off, "I'm not doing that."

"Well, you really should, at least for the first two weeks. You should for the baby's health. That's how you'll stimulate its immune system."

"Sorry, but I'm not doing it."

"What are your concerns?"

"I don't want my boobs gettin' all saggy."

"That doesn't happen.

The mom had to step in: "Yes it does!"

Doctor/expert: "No it doesn't. Any sagging is caused by the pregnancy, not breastfeeding."

Farrah/moron: "I'm still not doing it. I'm not risking it."

Then the doctor looked at the camera like, "Win some, lose some."

-At five months pregnant, Farrah was trying to actively date people. They were asking her out. She was asking people out. When she was waiting for her date to pick her up (She wrecked her car!!!! How adorable and responsible!!!!), her mom told her it's not a good idea to be thinking about dating while pregnant or raising an infant. "Whatever, mom."

"Do these guys know you're five month's pregnant?"

"Yeah. They don't care."

"Well, they should."

"But they don't."

"They should."

"They don't"

A few minutes later, Farrah realized that she had been stood up. The joy that overcame me at that moment was the equivalent to thinking I had eaten the last brownie, only to go into the kitchen to discover another brownie with a $20 bill next to it.

-I have set my DVR to record every episode of this show. I'm guessing they're all going to be this good. It's nice to have this stuff on video. Now the kids will know why they're so fucked up. And we'll know what will cause these kids to grow up, get tattoos on their faces, and eventually rob us.

For Serious

I know we're in a supposedly post-racial era, where if someone is describing the only black person in a room, the last thing they would do is describe the person as "the only black person in the room." People act like race doesn't exist, to no one's benefit. But the Michael Jackson's kids thing is beyond stupid. It's all over the papers and the web that he's not the biological father of any of his kids. Really? Are we really surprised that a black man isn't the biological father of white kids with blonde hair and blue eyes? I thought we all knew that the first time we saw the kids. If anyone ever thought he was the biological father, then that person's parents signed the opt-out form for sex-ed. Whether Michael Jackson's skin got lighter from Vitiligo or bleaching we don't know, but I'm pretty sure he didn't change his DNA to Scandanavian. There's no amount of money in the world to afford that. Even Michael Jackson couldn't go to a doctor and say, "I want my balls to hold the semen of a Viking." That's beyond Magic Johnson's HIV disappearing. Last night, on the Subway, I saw a woman reading the article from the NY Post about this, with her mouth wide open. She couldn't believe that Michael Jackson would be involved in such a scandal. From now on, I'm going to assume that people who read the NY Post have a learning disability.

Summer Fun

I just saw one of the strangest versions of fun possible. On the lawn of a million dollar home, a very large woman in a bathing suit was rolling around on a slightly damp blue tarp, yelling, "It's good. Come on in!"

Michael Jackson Performance

Little-to-medium-known fact: I'm a huge Michael Jackson fan. A lot of people are posting videos all over the Internet of some of his more famous performances. Here is my favorite, from when he was with the J5.

Why don't we do it in the road?

Here's another Mississippi story that I somehow forgot.

On the Gulf Coast, it's not really stereotypical Deep South. I'd say only about 10%. And the stereotype I'm referencing isn't that of the Southern gentleman who sits on his porch all day, drinking mint juleps, until his buddies come over for an evening dandy, which may or may not feature a game of Canasta. I'm talking about people who say Skoal is for pussies. They go straight for the Red Man. They also wouldn't be caught dead in city-folk clothes like Carhartt. Instead, they wear some brand whose name I can't remember, but comes with a free caliper.

My friend, Jesse, lives across the street from two guys who are like what I just described. The house belongs to Brian and his fiance. Brian's brother, Larry, rents a bedroom from them. Last Wednesday, Brian and Larry went out to a bar that was having a "ladies' night," whatever that means(Ladies get drink specials or lesbian night? It's never clear). A woman was going around selling nipple pasties for $25. Apparently she made them. In times of recession, it's good to be innovative.

Larry bought a pair of custom pasties, went to the bathroom, whipped out his pocket knife, and cut circles out of his shirt around his nipples. He then affixed said pasties. It was time to party.

As the night wore on, Larry started chatting up the pasty vendor. They hit it off as well as a man with nipple pasties and a woman who makes nipple pasties can. Eventually, Brian went home to his fiance, leaving Larry with the pasty vendor. The two of them eventually made it back to Larry's/Brian's/Brian's fiance's place. But it was late, around 4am. Before things started to happen, Larry asked, "Are you loud?" Affirmative. Larry was planning to bring his A-Game, so in his mind, she would be yelling like never before(Kind of makes me think that if she said she's not loud, he would have responded, "You will be with way I do it."). Larry had to come up with a plan B. He couldn't wake up his brother and future sister-in-law. Then it hit him. He knew exactly what he should do.

Around 5am, with the sun rising, Jesse went outside because he hear yelling. He looked across the street to see the most disturbing sight he had ever seen. The door of Larry's truck was open. Pasty girl was naked and bent over the seat, her feet planted a couple feet apart on the driveway. Larry was behind her, pants around his ankles, going to town as only Larry can visit a town. The sun was up, and they were outside. Larry looked over to see Jesse, and unashamed he yelled, "Good morning," while waving with one hand and never breaking stride. That's the whole story, but what makes it even better is that Larry is on permanent crutches, like Jimmy from South Park. So when he was having sex with this girl, he was actually pivoting back and forth on the crutches. And when he waved to Jesse, he waved a crutch at him.

Montgomery, AL

When I was in the Deep South last week, I was looking online for things to do. I would be driving near Montgomery, AL. I knew it was the site of the famous bus boycott, but wasn't sure if there was any other historical significance. So, I went to the ol' Wikipedia, where I learned that Montgomery has a minor league baseball team. Now, you don't expect minor league team names to sound as iconic as the Yankees, Reds, Giants, Dodgers, etc. But I grew up with the Prince William Cannons and the Roanoke Avalanche (Roanoke gets roughly 4 inches of snow per year). Not great names, but not bad either. However, they are great when compared to the Montgomery Biscuits. That's their team name. Their logo is a split biscuit with googly eyes, and a pat of butter that serves as a goofy tongue. Their hats feature a biscuit peeking around an "M." The catchphrase on their website is "A Recipe for Fun," however their site is missing the biscuit recipe that it should obviously have. At the bottom of the page, you can download a desktop wallpaper. It has three players on it, and says, "Biscuits Rising." I know you're thinking, "No, it doesn't say that." But yes it does. They should have a secondary motto: "Even when we suck at baseball, our puns are still a home run!"

If you're in Montgomery this Friday, I'll see at Biscuits Stadium for Family Faith Night! Bring your Bibles and your baseball mits!

A Kid Freaking Out.

This is incredible. His mom canceled his World of Warcraft subscription and he can't take it.

How far have we come on race issues?

I'll tell you how far. The President of the United States is black, and the President of the NAACP is white.

A white guy in charge of the NAACP is way more mind-boggling that Tiger Woods and Eminem put together.

image courtesy of CNN.com

Funny business

I just passed a sign for a company called Conquer Hardwood Floors. Their slogan is, "The name says it all." Obviously it doesn't or there would be no slogan.

Good news

I'm driving around Auburn's campus and no one here looks like they would draw swastikas on the walls of a gas station 17 miles from campus.

I hope this isn't an omen for my show

I'm 20 minutes from Auburn University, where I'm doing a show tonight. I stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom and the walls were covered with swastikas and "KKK." I'm thinking some of my material isn't going to go over very well tonight. I'm also thinking a lot of the white people here are racist. One is probably a bigger problem than the other.

Road sign in Alabama

"Please don't litter. Keep Alabama the Beautiful."
What language is that?

First Time for Everything

I'm in New Orleans. There's a pawn shop across the street from a Ritz-Carlton.

Ironic Quote at the Atlanta Airport

While waiting in line to board a flight to Biloxi, MS, the guy in front of me said, "I can't wait to get out of this place and back home. There ain't nothing to do in this city."

New Slang, Apparently

Last night, I played basketball in VA with my brother Allen and my two nephews. The four of us played against four other guys who were already at the court. We played back-to-back games for four hours. A guy on the other team called everyone "Lover." He said it every 30 seconds or so. It was said so many times that I forgot it was weird. After the 100th or so time, it became synonymous with "man." Actually, he didn't call everyone Lover. He referred to one of my nephews (who is 6'1 or 6'2") as "Lil Nigga," and called one of his teammates "Manwich." I'm going to say that Manwich won the nickname lottery that day.

Iran-Houseboats-Mississippi

-If you haven't been following the situation in Iran, you may want to start now. It looks like a real revolution is taking place. Pretty much all media from Iran has been shut down and the only info that is getting out is doing so via Twitter. Andrew Sullivan has been doing a great job of covering this. Check it out.

-I'm in the middle of two mini-vacations, which is why I've been absent from my blog lately. I just got back from a bachelor party on a houseboat.

We had a speedboat tethered to the houseboat, which we used for tubing and stuff like that. If you have never been tubing, try it. You lay on your stomach on an inner tube, while a boat pulls you at 40-45 mph, whipping you around in circles, pulling you over the wake of other boats, causing you to fly a few feet off the water. It's really fun. It's also kind of brutal when you fall. When you fall on water while moving at 40 mph, water doesn't feel like water. It feels like concrete. One time, the water made me punch myself in the jaw. Another time, it felt like the water actually punched me in the balls. I have bruises on my arms and legs from the falls. But they're nothing compared to what happened to two of my friends. Spanky is even lighter than me, and I was going airborne every time I hit wake. So he hit a bigger wave once and flew at least 10 feet into the air, came down face first and plowed through the water with his face. He came up with a neck situation that wouldn't allow him to do it again. John had the best fall though. He was being whipped around, flew off and did two or three somersaults on top of the water before actually going under the water. When he came up, he yelled, "I can't feel the left side of my body. It feels like I got punched in the kidneys." He had to swim to the boat with one arm. Once he got on the boat, we were able to see just how bad he was messed up. He had a booger on his chin, and another booger on his forehead. I think that sums it up.

-I'm going to Mississippi tomorrow to visit my friend Leah, before going to Auburn University for a show on Thursday. Leah and her family moved to Mississippi a couple years ago to help families rebuild after Hurricane Katrina. What have you done? I haven't done anything.

Leah lives on the Gulf Coast, and we're supposed to go sailing, which neither of us know how to do. So there should be an interesting blog in a couple days.

EU Elections

The EU elections were yesterday. In Sweden, the Pirate Party got a seat. Not sea pirates, but supporters of free online file-sharing aka The Geek Party. I don't see that happening here.

Artomatic

I just performed at Artomatic, an art exhibit in DC. It's cool to perform alongside visual art, because stand-up gets no respect in the art world. One time, I did a college show where the billing was Ryan Conner and Make Your Own Flip-Flops. That's not an improv group either. It's make your own flip-flops. I was like, "Stand-up is an art, and it's co-headlining with flip-flops?" "But you can put glitter on the flip-flops. That's art, right?" Good point.
Tonight, it really felt right that we were performing next to real art; a couch covered with bubble-wrap. That's art. I hear the guy covered a Lazy Boy with butcher paper last year. Genius!
A white guy just walked into the show and yelled, "Oh shit. Dey cut a hole in it!" Then he left. That's it. I'm not sure who "sey" are or what they cut. But dey did it.

GB

I'm 99 percent sure he's about to call for a revolution.
Oh man. A guy just yelled, "Revolution!"
Beck's response: "I remember my first beer." Hack.
He's calling people from the crowd onto the stage. This is going to be interesting. Weird, both people, Brian and Troy, are white.
Actually, it looks like he's in favor of anarchy. I never thought I'd see my brother, Jasper, on the same side as Glenn Beck.
He pulled a young woman on stage and won't stop touching her. Hilarious.
Uh-oh. He's about to cry. I think. Yes. It's happening. He's quoting a private conversation that George Washington had, which was not documented anywhere.
He said "Progressivism." Some people booed. Others hissed. I had never heard anyone hiss before. I had only read about it.
He is literally saying 'Why can't it be more like the 18th century?"
He called Teddy Roosevelt a communist. Who does he like? Other than George Washington and Thomas Paine (but not the anti-religion stuff).
He just said Woodrow Wilson taught Joseph Goebels everything he knew. Incredible.
"Common sense tells us we should run to freedom (represented by young blonde on stage)." Standing ovation. No jokes for 15 minutes.
She just rubbed Freedom's arm an she gave a "You fucking creep" look.

GB

Awkward. He's out of the colonial character and is now doing regular jokes in colonial clothing. Looks pretty funny.

GB

I'm Lol'ing really hard now. He came out dressed as Thomas Paine. He got a standing ovation.
"This...looks better than my regular hair. Give me liberty or give me... a jelly donut."

GB

Bill Cosby is 69 and he does two 3-hour shows per day when he tours. How can this douche not be able to talk for an hour and a half? He talks for 5-hours every day between radio and TV.

GB

It's decided. We're staying through the intermission to see how he transitions back into material. "So I was backstage, talking to the stagehands. And guess what? All non-union."

GB

Jesus Christ. This intermission is so long. We're listening to a montage of bad music, while looking at stills of The Master. There have also been a couple terrible ads for his book.
Why does he need a 15 minute break? Is he having a meal? That's a long ass time.

GB

What the fuck, Glenn? He's taking a 15-minute break. He's done less than 50 minutes and he's taking a break. Chappelle has done something like 7 hours. I thought Beck was supposed to be the next Chappelle.
I've only been here for 25 minute and I think I'm going to leave.

GB

"How did the GOP get the stereotype of the old white party?" Completely serious. Then he said Senator Byrd (D) has been "in the Senate since before Castro was in power." People cheered the Democratic-Castro connection. Hilarious.
"I thought I'd been kicked in the teeth. And Harry Reid is a jackass, so..."

GB

I had him all wrong. He just said something kind of funny.
He has a Band-Aid flapping on his neck. It's distracting.
Oh man. He was telling a story about a guy named Mr. Deese. Tony was hoping it would end with "Deese Nuts." Nope. It ended with, "but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once."

GB

This is easily the worst comedy show we've ever seen. It's amazing. I'm laughing harder than anyone in the theatre.
American flag shirt sighting number one. He just got a standing ovation in the middle of his set. Then someone yelled, "Beck for president." The master replied, "We'd run out of missiles."
Uh-oh. He's getting to his "socialism or worse" chunk. I think he's about to cry.

GB

There are about 20 people in this theatre. And about 3000 in the theatre where he's performing. Neither theatre contains a person who isn't white. Not only is everyone white, they're NASCAR white.
He's doing cheesy "Can you believe they sell this stuff?" comedy.

GB

Glenn Beck is crushing.

Glenn Beck Show Running Log

I'm watching a simulcast of Glenn Beck's "comedy" show at a theatre in DC. Larry Poon and I paid $20 each. When I bought my ticket, I told the cashier, "Just so you know, I'm buying this to see how bad it is." She said, "You're not the first person to say that."
Haha. Someone just walked out and yelled, "This is retarded. This sucks." He was in his 50s. I'll keep sending updates.

Bad Names and Strategy

My mom works at a middle school where a lot of kids have crazy names. Whenever she comes across a new name, she adds it to her Crazy Name List. Creative names can be cool. My roommate's mom is named Sidalia. I think it's the coolest sounding name I've heard. But sometimes a person tries to come up with a Sidalia and ends up with a Denquasha. That's one of the names on my mom's list. It looks bad on paper. Now say it out loud. Yeah, worst name ever. Denquasha. Her name has doomed her. You will never hear, "Are you going to Denquasha's book signing?" "Oh man, did you see the ass on Denquasha? Oh wait, her name is Denquasha. Never mind." There couldn't be a less sexy name. If you're choosing between doctors and you've narrowed it down to Dr. Erin Jackson, or Dr. Denquasha Jackson, I think we know which one you're going with. It sounds like it could be Swahili for crushing insects or something. That, or the name of a martial arts video game.
Another name: QaMariah ShaQueen Shabazz [last name deleted]
So, four names. We'll start from the back. Shabazz is a normal name, but as far as I know it's as masculine of a name as Steve, and as far as we know she isn't Muslim. I could be wrong though. ShaQueen: That's just funny. They just wanted to name the girl Queen and picked a random prefix. But the first name... unpronounceable. Try to say it. You can't. The English language can't process that word. Q and A don't go next to each other. Apparently the English teacher can't say the name either, and there are only two weeks of school left. The girl pronounces it "Ka-myra," but you and I know that's not what it says. Now, get this, the girl is failing English and writes, "Dat," "Dem," and "Dees" in her papers. I know, what a surprise. Come on parents, get on yo' shit.
Then again, the only reason names like John, Sean and Kyle sound normal is because they've been used for so long. Maybe in a few generations Denquasha will become the new Alan. If that happens, for some reason, I think that would be awesome.
-Strategy: Sometimes when I sit at home all day I get lazy do no work. I've developed a new strategy recently though. You can try this at home. Bike several miles to a coffee shop to write. Then you're guaranteed to work for a long time. The only alternative to working is biking several more miles immediately.

Come on, Panera

I'm at Panera and just wrote a blog on my laptop. But Panera won't let me publish it. Ryanconnercomedy.com has been blocked here. For serious.

The Power of Google

I'm going to have to stop referring to my friends by their first and last names on my blog. My friend John said his boss found this picture on my site:

Although he conceded that it was an awesome Keg Race, he doesn't like that everyone at his office now has a copy of the picture. If only they knew that we have pictures of him, pants down with an electric dog collar on, running through an invisible fence.

Then my friend Glen told me that this came up in a job interview:

"They're only one-step away from going little boy/Glen [deleted] style, and dropping their pants to the floor. ..."

Oops.

Is this the best they've got?

One of my brothers goes to a Catholic high school. He went to a public school until January of this year when he transferred because two members of the basketball team wanted to fight him because he started in their position. "Well, I could get better to earn more playing time... Or, I could fight the starter." Anyway, Catholic schools are great for a lot of things. Science is not one of them. My brother is in a class that's something like "The Ethics of Genetics," which is basically a sex police course. I was having dinner at my parents' house last night when my brother quoted the teacher(a nun) of this course: "You know what she said about fornication?" Oh, that's awkward. Heads went down (poor choice of words to foreshadow what's to come) in embarrasment. Things were about to get weird and we could sense it. "Talking about fornication, she said that certain things go in certain places. Like you wouldn't put mashed potatoes in your ears. You would put them in your mouth." Wow, bad analogy, Sister Whatever. Leave it to a celibate person to shoot down sodomy with the phrase "You put them in your mouth." I bet the kids just thought, "Oh, yeah. The mouth." While she thought she was using good logic, what the students really heard was, "Blah-blah-blah, you put the white substance in the mouth." This puts people in the class in a better position at the bargaining table. "Come on, just let me put it in your ear! Why not? Fine, I guess your mouth will do."