3 Sketches You Probably Haven't Seen

I just put these on YouTube. They're funny. If you disagree, you're wrong.

A Guide for Those in the Business of Putting Up Signs in Public

Your = Possessive, as in something that belongs to you.
You're = You are.
Their = Plural possessive.
They're = They are.
There = Refers to a location.

I think I just hit my limit. I saw two signs in five seconds that were guilty of this second grade grammatical error.
If you're store has a sign their that says, "Your not going to believe hour deals. Find a better deal and will beat there price. Save you're money at _____," then I refuse go go they're, no matter how grate there dills r.

The Nuts are Getting Nuttier

G. Gordon Liddy, convicted felon/Nixon's right-hand man/man who pronounces "Acura" as "A-koorah," was on Hardball and didn't disappoint anyone who likes watching idiots. He comes off just as dumb as Farrah from Sixteen and Pregnant. Farrah was surprised to find out that her baby's heart was in its chest, not its skull. In this clip, Liddy insists on seeing Obama's "Birth Certificate," not his "Certificate of Live Birth." He doesn't seem to understand words. I bet he doesn't realize that 6+3 and 3+6 both equal 9. And if he goes to a restaurant and orders a fish fillet, and they bring him a fillet of fish, he loses his stupid mind.

Enjoy:

Dumbest Person to Ever Speak in Front of a Camera

I've watched this twice and read the transcript, yet I still have no idea of what her point is. Food. Stuff. Slaves not here. They bad. Free.ORGANICS!

Humpday - In Theatres July 10th

I just discovered a new movie called Humpday. It comes out soon. Click below for the trailer.

Humpday - In Theatres July 10th

UFC game on PS3

I was playing with my 16-year-old brother, Joaquim. He's borderline crazy. Not clinically insane, but he once proclaimed that "If I find a dinosaur, I'm keepin' it. Shoot..."
So, we were playing the game, and I was beating the hell out of him. He wasn't able to throw a punch. What I think he wanted to say was, "I can't even throw a punch." But what he said, about 30 times, sometimes yelling, was "I can't get jack off!" When said fast and loudly, it sounded like, "I can't get jacked off!" And he's right at that age where I'm not sure if I can make fun of him for saying stuff like that. So I just held my laughter in until the next fight when he was finally able to jack off.

My girlfriend just had a photo published in Sports Illustrated. If you had asked me 10 years ago who would be most likely to appear in SI between me and a girlfriend, I would bet my life on it being me, even though my chances have probably never been higher than 0.00001%. The only way I could be in SI would be if they changed the decathlon events to basketball, soccer, tennis, ping-pong, mini-golf, Madden on PS3, cooking omelets, picking out soft fabrics, saying the alphabet backwards, and typing on a blackberry without looking. I'm glad I didn't take that bet 10 years ago.

Jersey City

The following two things were on the same person:
1. A bracelet containing several images of the Virgin Mary.
2. A t-shirt that said "Bitches Don't Know Shit."

Funny Comment

Me: I'm about to watch Dance Your Ass Off. This week it's huge people pole dancing.
Ladyfriend: Are they using a pole or a column?

Where Does NJ Get Its Reputation From?

This is Wildwood, NJ in the early 90s. Enjoy.

Comedy Gold

I just found a show called "Another Chance for Romance." It's a dating show for senior citizens. I'm recording the whole series.

Preview: "I see ghosts all the time."
- Old Guy

Only on Retirement Living TV.

Whale Wars

Nothing in the world makes me want to kill whales more than the hippies on this show.

You Have to Read This

As a soccer fan, I remember reading about Eric Frimpong, the Ghanaian immigrant who lead UC-Santa Barbara to the National Championship. He was really good, and I wondered why he wasn't playing pro. Now I know. He's in prison for a rape conviction. However, there is NO EVIDENCE against him. Nothing. It's all speculation from the victim who had a near lethal intoxication level. She said she was sure it was him because she remembered "White eyes" and "Big lips," but didn't remember what the attacker looked like, and remembered absolutely nothing about the attack. The kicker: There were no signs of forced sex. None of his DNA was found on her. However, her ex-boyfriend's semen was found in her underwear. During the trial, this ex-boyfriend admitted to jealously stalking her that night. There was also a bite mark on the victim's face, which she said occurred during the rape, that matches her ex-boyfriend, not Frimpong. The ex-boyfriend hasn't been considered a suspect. There were no abrasions on Frimpong's body at all. His alibi is solid. There is no reason to suggest that he raped this girl other than the racial identities of Santa Barbara and the jury.

You can read the story here.

Update: Here's another article from The Santa Barbara Independent which has a little more info.

At the DC Improv July 23-36 with Greg Proops

I'll be doing six shows then with Greg Proops. Greg is hilarious, and you're reading my blog, so come on out. Tickets will sell out in advance. You can buy them at www.dcimprov.com.

I hope you can make it if you're in the area.

Phone Conversation Overheard in Hoboken Bathroom

"Big man... you rollin' out? Who's ya crew?"
-white guy in a pink polo shirt

Crucial Element Update

The new EP that I mentioned we were working on about a month ago is now finished. All that's left is the artwork, which I'll do in the next few days. Once it's completed, the EP will be available on iTunes for the cheapest price they'll allow us to sell it for. It will probably be in the neighborhood of $4-$5 for a six track EP, plus a couple bonus tracks. I guarantee it will be worth it. We put a lot of work into this. Previously, I think our best songs were "We Don't Need No Skool" and "OhDrama!". We think every track on this EP is at that level or better.
I'll post an update once it's on iTunes.

Bank of America

Once again, Bank of America's debit card face stretching technique has hurt someone's feelings. For some reason, when they take your picture for a card, they don't frame it right and end up having to stretch your face to make it fit. They did it to me a few years ago and made me look 75 pounds heavier than I am. Some people would congratulate me on my weight loss. A few times, people refused my card because they didn't think it was me. So I got a new one. Same problem.
I just got a haircut by a fat woman. When she looked at my card, she asked, "Is this really you? Congratulations!"
I knew what she was talking about. "Yeah, they stretched my face so I look enormous. People always ask me how I lost the weight, because it looks like I dropped 75 pounds."
Then she looked down, sadly, as if to say, "I wish I could lose 75 pounds."
Hey Bank of America, thanks for making me look like a dick. A fat dick.

Semantics

I understand what a cougar is and know the difference between a cougar and a milf. But I'm unclear on the exact definition of a milf. If a hot 19-year-old has a baby, is she a milf or just a fuck up?

New Top Location in Jersey City

I just found a new establishment that tops the place that sells mufflers and baked goods, while even topping my old favorite: 99 cent Power: Everything 99 cents or Less or More.
This new discovery: Cumy Cafe. It's on Central Ave. Eat there. Or don't.

Stepping Down at the Top of Her Game

I just checked OUT Sarah Palin's resignation speech. She's GoINg out on top. It might be the biggest rhetorical trainwreck we've seen FROM her. She wrote the SPEECH herself, which explains everything. Random words ARE capitalized that shouldn't be POINTs "of" emphasis. You can watch the video and read the text here. It really is beautiful. There are many groups of words that end in periods, but few of them are actual sentences. She puts quotation marks around things that shouldn't have quotation marks, which is one of my favorite things, just behind watermelon. Seriously, check this out. She claims that people have been mocking her special-needs baby, then says "We need more Trigs in the world." The whole thing is unbelievably stupid and unfocused. I know this paragraph is all over the place, but it reads like Joyce in comparison to her speech. CHECK "it" out.

Natasha Bedingfield

I'm watching her perform at the DC 4th of July thing. I had never heard of her, but apparently she's an "International sensation." I feel like the international community is punking me. What the hell is a pocket full of sunshine?

Overheard at National Zoo

While looking at a Red Panda exhibit:
"I don't give a fuck what you or the sign sya, that ain't no fuckin' panda. I ain't never seen no panda with a fuckin' tail."

Have a Terrible Idea? Then Why Not Turn it into a TV Show?

I can't post links because I'm writing this from my Blackberry, but if you go to Variety.com you'll see what I'm talking about.

The headline is "ABC in Mad Dash to Find Fast Comics!"
And here's the show's pitch, which is somehow worse than the headline:
"Ok. Check it out. It's the Amazing Race meets Last Comic Standing..."
What does that mean? Fast runners or comics who talk fast? Either way, it's a worse idea than Figure-Skating with the Stars. My friend suggested that if I get a casting call, I show up in track spikes and a singlet. I think it's the only logical thing to do.
And the next challenge: "Dat Phan, you will have to impersonate your mother while doing the shuttle run. Don't forget to touch the lines."
Somehow, this is the same network that has brought us LOST.

Oops... Rest of the Shirt entry

He responded, "Get money, playa."

Shirt of the Month

I just saw a guy wearing a shirt that had Super Marion sitting on an ATM, which had money pouring out of it. I asked him what the shirt meant.

16 and Pregnant

I'm watching every episode. This show is awesome. I'm watching the Maci episode. She's asking for parenting advice from a peer who is wearing a bedazzled jacket that says "Cheerleading." That's what it is.