Check Me Out At Barnes and Noble

What's going on there, my little pony? Just letting you know that I have an excerpt in a new book, Twitter Wit, published by Harper Collins. Get it in bookstores on their shelves today for $13, or get it in a couple months in a bargain bin for $3. Your call.

It's just a collection of people's Twitter messages. A lot of famous people are in the book. I'm not famous though. The irony of this is that I started a Twitter page to make fun of how pointless Twitter is. Sample posts have been: "Swivel chair," "Ladder," "Fuschnickens" and "Twitter." The post that is in the book is one I wrote making fun of bad easy jokes that are on Twitter. So, for clarification, I don't think my Tweeter is funny. I was making fun of shitty jokes. But the publisher thought it was funny.

"You never see anyone covered in soot these days. Where did it all go?" - page 85 of Twitter Wit.

Go to http://twitter.com/rccoomedy to follow me.

New Guideline

I don't like any song that offers instructions for "everyone in the club."

Big Fan

There's a new movie coming out called Big Fan. It looks really good. More importantly, it stars Patton Oswalt. Patton is one of the best comics of this generation. So funny it's ridiculous. I had the privilege of featuring for him at Caroline's a couple years ago. He was as nice as he was funny. It's cool to see someone like him get a starring role in what looks like it will be a pretty big movie.

Here's the link.

Ignorance So Thick You Can Taste It - (Get ready for paraphrasing)

- I'll get this out of the way first: I just got booked (another comic is having me open for him) in China in October. Shanghai and Beijing. I think there's a Jackie Chan joke to be made about Shanghai, but I haven't seen his movies, so I'm not sure. I am anticipating the following though:

1. Going to a food court to see if Americans are trying to force cheeseburger samples on people who are just trying to walk by, yelling, "CHEESEBURGER! COME ON, YOU! TRY SAMPLE! ONLY $3.93."

2. I hear the best Bourbon Chicken is served at the P.F. Changs in Beijing. What's that? Bourbon Chicken isn't an actual Chinese dish? Fine, I'll take the deep-fried chicken feet.

3. Due to the huge time difference, I'm hoping the Olympics are still going on. I've always wanted a gold medal. Really, a gold anything. NO CRAYONS.

-Now to the subject of the blog... I went to a health care town hall on Monday. It was hosted by Congressman Rob Andrews, a Democrat from South Jersey. He and I have the same position on the issue, so I had no reason to ask him questions. I went to observe the crazies who have been on TV so much. Was the media blowing it out of proportion? Not at all. If anything, they're underselling it. But the main reason I went was because usually only opposition goes to these things.

Of course, I'm a little biased here. I think health care should be seen as a public service, not an industry. It is possible to oppose this kind of health care reform in a reasonable way. For evidence, watch clips from McCain's town hall yesterday. He was booed for saying that Obama is sincere in his efforts, and there's just a philosophical difference about the role in government.

Notes from the meeting.

-I arrived 80 minutes early due to Obama's people telling me it started at 5. It started at 6. See who gets $50 from me when re-election time comes.

-Sitting around prior to the meeting, I couldn't tell if I was surrounded by Fox News types, or people from New Jersey. Tough demographics to distinguish.

- A woman from a conservative lobbying group was handing out a packet about how each state-funded health care system has failed, and we need to "leave things to the markets." However, each plan in her packet were state subsidies to private insurance, not a public option. So it was a failure of private insurance companies. Lies, I tell you. Lies. Also, she looked like a royal seaward.

-1,000 people attended.

- Once on the inside, the signs came out. One guy was holding up a sign that said, "ACORN*: No Way!" What? Pick your battles. The DNC was handing out signs to supporters of reform. Some of the opposition got their hands on them too. A guy stood up and yelled, "HEY!" Everyone looked. Then he tore the sign in half in a way that made him look drunk. People roared. They loved it. I turned to the guy next to me, who was checking stocks on his BlackBerry, which told me he was a Democrat, and said, "We're surrounded." For a couple minutes, I actually thought a riot was going to break out. I emailed my friend, Al, and told him to give the eulogy at my funeral, and "be Dick Gregory about it." That's a reference to the Hugh Hefner roast, for the 26 people who saw it. Just then, another person tore a sign, and the people erupted again. Twice! How many more times can they go crazy about a sign being ripped up? Two more. Four total times. Same reaction. Pavlov was onto something.

-A woman sat to my right, holding a huge binder. She looked nervous-crazy, if that's a real thing. She turned to me, opened the binder and said, "I did my homework! Over 1,000 pages! Can you believe it?"

I was thinking, "No you didn't." But I said, "You sure did. Look at you go." She smiled because she thought I might be crazy like her. A few seconds later, a guy with a rat tail stopped in the aisle to my left. He was wearing a shirt that said, "Bermuda Triangle Billiards." She turned to me and said, "I love reading t-shirts. You can learn so much about a person like that."

1. What did you learn? He likes pool. Good info. You two should talk.

2. Either you love reading t-shirts, or you love reading health-care legislation. Not both. There's no intersection on that Venn diagram.

- The Congressman and the president of Rowan University came out and were booed like Yokozuna when he beat Brett Hart. I couldn't believe it. Neither could they. No respect whatsoever. The university president looked particularly surprised. After a few seconds, he let it soak in that he would be a heel for the evening, due to the book-learnin' he's had. He introduced the congressman to even more boos.

- Congressman Andrews began his opening remarks by saying that he encouraged open debate, but didn't want anyone to talk over anyone else or be disrespectful. Just then, a guy in the back yelled, "How about if we say the pledge?" The university president was sitting right in front of me. Me, him and the other guy looked at each other like, "Is this home-room?" I'm pretty sure the room wasn't full of traitors. But we complied. We said the pledge, ordered our milk, then did finger-paint.

The congressman said, "This bill is expensive. I'm not going to deny that. However, it's 1/3 of what we'll spend on paving roads in the same time, 1/7 of what we'll spend on defense... And we know how we'll pay for it. This isn't going to add to the debt." The opposition started booing. They were yelling, "How?" as he was telling them how. He said he would take questions at the mics in the back after his opening remarks were finished. At that moment, there was an exodus to the mics. Almost all crazies, of course. Reasonable people on either side of the debate aren't going to jump up and run to a microphone.

- A woman finished her long diatribe with "I don't want to say what I think about Senator Pelosi, because I'm a Christian," which destroyed everything she had just said. She's not a Senator. In Christianity, a thought and a deed are judged the same. On top of that, why was she bringing up Pelosi?

-People were saying some crazy stuff. The congressman was calm and addressed everything. About 30 minutes into the five hour town hall, I realized that the opposition didn't listen to him. He spoke like an academic. To a lot of these people, he was just "being a fag."

- A guy with a pony tail stood up and said, "I'm Chad Jimenez... I'm a Type A diabetic. I have been for most of my life - 27 years. I've only had insurance for six of those years. But I've figured things out, and taken care of myself because of something called personal responsibility [huge applause] which says that my disease shouldn't burden society!" STANDING OVATION. He just said that people suffering from cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's, DID, and everything else down the line are burdens. Unbelievable.

Then Chad said, "In closing, I would like to quote one of our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson." Thomas Jefferson is one of my favorite people who have ever lived, so I was ready to catch him in a misquote. Also, these people are characterizing universal health care as socialism, and using Jefferson as their mouthpiece, while Jefferson instituted the first brand of American socialism - public education. He insisted on it, the damned socialist. Chad continued, "When a government seeks to earn the trust of the public through promises of taking care of them, then said government must fall." The people went fucking crazy. It was like Def Jam. That is what Chad said. I can't find the quote online right now, but Jefferson actually said, "security," not "taking care of them." Jefferson was talking about the British promising security in exchange for servitude. It was Jefferson's call-to-arms against the British crown. It is the exact opposite point that Chad was trying to make.

- A woman wearing a grand American flag shirt - I mean, seriously, this shirt was beautiful, like the other 300 flag shirts in the auditorium - spoke highly of the military for a couple minutes, then said, "So, if you want to reform health care, why don't you make it so all of us have the same health care that people in Congress have?" The people went crazy again. Standing-O.

The congressman looked confused and responded, "That's... what this bill is. It gives everyone access to the same health care exchange network that all members of the federal government have. And if they aren't satisfied with that, they can get the public option."

"Well, I'd sure like to see it!" the woman yelled back, to cheers.

Reason does not work with these people.

- One guy's argument: "10 years ago, the DMV was run by the state and it would take two hours just to get a form. Now it's privatized and I can get in and out in 15 minutes. And you want the government running health care!"

Where to start?

Medicare. VA. Irrelevant. DMV wasn't privatized. It's a state agency whose employees are hired through a government contractor. This, of course, got a standing ovation too. A standing ovation is to town halls as an applause break is to Last Comic Standing.

-"I run a small business. If this bill passes, you better believe I'm going to let my employees go to the public option. So, what happens then?" People cheered. Other people were confused. The university president, the guy to my left, and I looked at each other and said, "That's the point."

The congressman responded, "Sir, the public option is just that: an option. One of the goals of this bill is to ease the burden of health care costs on small businesses. So you could be spared that expense."

"Yeah, but what happens then? You want me to trust the government?" The same guy also chanted, "We the people are the government," at one point. So he's not supposed to trust himself ultimately.

I was flabbergasted. The congressman didn't know what to do either. It's like the guy was saying, "I wish 2+2 equaled 4." And we're saying, "It does equal 4." "But I wish it did too." What?

- "How many of you are angry because you want to know where this trillion dollars is coming from?" Standing ovation. "Fine, then where were you when President Bush wanted 3 trillion for Iraq?" Boos.

- A woman with a Hispanic accent, and great vocabulary was up. "I'm a dissident from a socialist country. I know what socialism looks like..." She was interrupted by rabid cheers. "... And I don't understand why people think universal health care is socialism..." Boos rained on her face. All over. Bukake party of boos. People in my area were mocking her accent. It was the most fucked up part of the night. Until...

- A man spoke about the need for everyone to have health care. "It's important that I don't lose my insurance because I'm HIV+." People started snickering in my section because the guy was HIV+. " That was when I officially recognized that they would not listen to reason under any circumstances.

- Two construction worker looking guys were directly behind me. One was wearing a sleeveless shirt with pictures of both President Bushes, with the words Dumb and Dumber above them (Bush Sr. was really smart). A guy behind him looked, he really did, I'm not just saying this, he looked racist. An old, fat, racist white guy, wearing a "Don't Tread On Me" shirt. He was talking non-sense the entire time. While the congressman was speaking, Racist Guy stood up and said, "I can't take this any more," and began to leave. Dumb and Dumber turned around and said, "I hope you die on the way out." Racist quickly responded, "Ditto," oblivious to the fact that ditto means he hopes he dies as well. Not the same as "You too."

- One of the last questions I heard was from the woman with the binder, who was sitting next to me. "I have several points to make. Then I have a question... Congressman, I remember you from high school... You were elegant[I think she meant eloquent] then too... I was a nurse... Genetic disorder... [8...8... 8 minutes later... 8 fucking minutes... 8 agonizing minutes later] which brings me to page 23 of the bill. And I quote... The president has the right to appoint death panels..."

Yep, the woman next to me was the one to bring up death panels, actually pretending that it's in the bill. Everything she was was refuted. But she still insisted it's in the bill. "I've read the bill. There's nothing like that in the bill." But it is. "It isn't." I'm still waiting for a congressman to say, "Why would that be in the bill? Why would democrats want to kill the sick and elderly? Why would the party who gave us Social Security and Medicare want to kill the sick and the elderly?" That would shut them down.

*ACORN did nothing illegal or even unethical. When they submitted voter registration forms with names like "Scooby Doo," they had to. If someone fills out a voter registration form, you have to submit it. Otherwise, you're committing fraud yourself.

I don't have anything funny to end the blog with. Pretend someone just farted.

Jack Johnson Rape Threat

I'm at a store that's playing a song by Jack Johnson called "You better hope you're not alone." Sounds like a rape anthem if I've ever heard one.

Four Updates

- I've been pretty inactive on the blog lately due to working on a few writing projects. They're consuming all of my typing. I'm going to try to be a little more active with my InterBlogWebs.

- Crucial Element: The Series is coming along nicely. We've completed about 30% of it so far. The EP is finished as well. That will be released very soon.

- After my show in Michigan, I was invited back to the director's house for French toast. Bad-ass. Hopefully, I'll start getting booked there once per week.

- I'm going to a town hall to observe the crazies in their natural habitat today. Should be a blast.

Yuppers

Last night I did a show in Marquette, MI, at Northern Michigan University.
Notes:
- 52 degrees in August.
- Nice people.
- Student discount at Hardees. Frisco Burger meal for $3.99, are you serious? Thank you, Hardees. And what's this about Fanta Strawberry? Oh, I can have that too? Hardees, will you marry me? Can I at least touch you? It's okay, Hardees, I'm nervous too.
- The show was at midnight. Normally, I bring a friend to open for me if it's a driveable show. Otherwise, I just go up cold and do 60-75 minutes. Last night was a little different. I had two openers. 1) A money vault - those containers that blow money around. 2) Dancing girls. Money and dancing girls opened for me. It was like a Jay-Z video. A Jay-Z video that ended with a white guy telling jokes. I think that's how the Takeover video goes.
- About 10 minutes into the show, after a joke, a guy yelled out a suggestion for how he thought I should end the joke. He was obviously wrong. I was going to rip him for yelling out, but I looked at him and he looked really socially awkward. I figured his self-esteem should be spared and left him alone.
Later in the show, he casually asked me a question. I was talking about people who think cheerleading is a sport when he yelled out, "Is bowling a sport?"
"No. It's an activity. A game at best."
That was the end of that.
Then he came up to me after the show and I was stuck with Fatty Stink (his new name) for 20 minutes. It those minutes, I learned that he and his friends piss in bottles when they play video games, because who has time for bathrooms in '09? He said I'm a "niche comic," clarifying, "It's like you have to think to get your jokes."
He also said that when Michael Ian Black performed there last year, he gave him a really tough time, "but Michael loved it." I'm pretty sure Michael wanted to kill him, but the guy didn't understand sarcasm.
I have a thing about people who don't believe in evolution. Fatty Stink suggested a new angle. "What if you said, 'I was doing a girl, and when my dick was inside, I wish it would have evolved into...' you know. Like it could evolve into something." Thanks Mr. Stink, but I'm going to stick with my ending that requires you to think.
- After my set, the school had a raffle. A guy in the back won a water bottle and soon after emerged as the MVP of the night. He stood up, in a crowd of several hundred, and yelled, "Give me a C!" People were confused. "Come on ya'll. Give me a C!"
"C!"
"Give me an A!"
"A!"
This was a guessing game for me because I didn't know their mascot. At this point, I had it narrowed down to caterpillars, catchers, cats, cans, and catheters.
"Give me a T!"
Okay, it's probably going to be cats or at least cat-related.
"T!"
"Give me an S!"
Cats. Definitely. Or catsup. We'll see.
"S!"
"What's that spell?"
Cats.
"CATS!"
Not satisfied with just spelling words, the MVP proceeded to introduce himself to the entire auditorium, "Hey, it's nice to meet everyone. If you see me on campus, say hi. My name is Soul Train." Your name sure is Soul Train. A guy told me he ran into Soul Train earlier in the day, after ST had lost his wallet and announced, "Damn, my pockets are deep, but sometimes they aren't deep enough." Poetry On-Demand, from Soul Train.

Excercise Those Rights!

A lot of people are showing up at Obama's town hall meetings carrying guns. Two guys today had assault rifles. When asked why they brought them to a health care town hall, they responded that they're just exercising their Second Amendment rights. When asked what the Second Amendment has to do with health care, they responded, "Freedom! GUNS! Grrroooooowwl!"

If I get a chance, I'm going to go to one of these and exercises my Constitutional rights. People will ask, "Why don't you have any soldiers quartered in your home?" And I'll just let them know, "I'm exercising my Third Amendment rights to not have soldiers quartered in my home without my consent. Freedom. Health care. Socialism. Obama is from Kenya. Blahhhh!"

"Hey Ryan, I noticed that you're here at the health care town hall, but you aren't being waterboarded. What's going on there?"

"Well, fine questioner, I'm only exercising my Eighth Amendment rights which protect me against cruel and unusual punishment. Freedom good. Socialism bad. Grrrr...."

"Well, Ryan, why do you oppose health care reform that could help 47 million uninsured people get insurance?"

"That's another great question, sir or madam. Well, you see, about half of my friends don't have health insurance. Comics can't get decent insurance unless they can afford about $500-$700 per month. And I say we keep it that way. If everyone can get health insurance, the next thing you know, I won't have any freedoms. For example, if my friend Rory was to get health insurance, I wouldn't be able to bring my AK-47 to Burger King. How fucked up is that? I love freedoms. And if my friend Danny was to somehow get health insurance, the government could force me to be a Mormon. Freedom good. And if my friend Justin was to get health insurance, I would lose my freedom to not have a government bureaucrat anally brutalize me. Come on America. Save my anal virginity. Say no to health care for all!"

Spam or Not Spam?

I just got a new Twitter follower, which surprised me because I've done about 25 posts (all stupid) in 5 months. I went to this person's page and check out their most recent Tweeters:
"My boyfriend treats me like shit so I need someone else to treat me right and fuck me well."
1. I hope her boyfriend isn't following her on Twitter, or he might start hitting her a little harder.
2. If anyone falls for this, they should be forced to date her imaginary boyfriend.

WTF?

Two long blogs in one day? You must be in a coffee shop. You bet your ass I'm in a coffee shop.

All Three? Wow, He Must Be Pretty Bad.

Not Republicans, but right-wing wackos have resorted to name-calling against Obama. Everyone does it when they're sore losers. It's the same thing as when a girl breaks up with you, if you're a sore loser. Instead of saying I did such and such, so it didn't work out, the explanation is always, "Man, she's a fuckin' bitch." So they're calling Obama three names, none of which actually apply to him. And it's so stupid that I love it. I'm waiting for when they repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. People will start making comparisons that make no sense, like, "This is exactly what that faggot Mussolini would have done. If you love Mussolini so much, why don't you marry him?"

Here are the three names they've been calling him, and why they make no sense:

The latest comparison is to The Joker. The glaring problem here is putting a black guy in white face comes off as slightly racist. Not sure why they didn't realize that. If the extreme left had published pictures of Bush in black face, making pancakes, I think everyone would have caught onto the racist vibe of the picture. But the race issue isn't the most glaring error. The issue is that The Joker is a violent anarchist. Obama is the closest thing to a pacifist as a president can be. Obama is also one for order. He favors regulation, and is calculated in everything he does. Oh yeah, he's also the President of a country, a position that anarchists don't really respect. Anarchists try to avoid "the system," not to lead it. One of my brothers is an anarchist. I know how it works.

Another comparison that is popping up at the anti-healthcare reform rallies is Hitler.

1) Hitler, and Nazis in general, were not very mixed-race friendly.

2) They were fascists. Fascism is extreme right-wing.

And the classic comparison is socialism. This is absurd as well. I'm not going to go into the details, because they aren't funny. The problem is that socialism is extreme left-wing. On the political spectrum, anarchy, fascism, and socialism or extreme opposites, but they're accusing him of being all three. If that was possible, it would be amazing. He would have to be some sort of shape-shifter. They're accusing him of being a deranged Howard Zinn, Hitler and Che Gueverra at the same time. Who else is bad? Ivan Drago. Yeah, the President is like Ivan Drago too. Actually, he's like everyone who ever threw a punch at Rocky. Oh yeah, and Skeletor. The President is exactly like Skeletor, and we're just a bunch of He-Men trying to fly our flags in church, and read our Bibles in school. You know who else he reminds me of? James Earl Ray. Obama is just like MLK's assassin. He's like a combination of James Earl Ray, spoiled milk, and a dead kitten that was drowned in James Earl Ray's spoiled milk. Obama is like the kid who peed on my foot in the shower after gym class in middle school. He's also a lot like Attila the Hun, if you think about it. Wait, what's a Hun? Is that how people used to say "Shawty"? I'm really just waiting for the first group to actually provide evidence that Obama is Satan. "I found the documentation!" That's when things will really get fun.

One more fun-fact. People under 50 support a public healthcare option. People over 50 do not. The beautifully ignorant aspect of this is that a large majority of the people who oppose reform are actually on Medicare and don't realize it's a government program run by Satan Drago Earl Ray Hitler Che Salinger Mugabe Luthor himself. They're acting like it's provided by fairies or something.

What You Have Been Missing

Facebook has a quiz called "How Well Do You Know Me?" They have stock questions. You choose the answer options. I created my own quiz months ago, and only 7 people have taken it. You are not one of them. Now I'm going to show you what you've been missing. Here is the quiz. Go to my Facebook page to find out the answers. NOW!

1)	At a party, what would I definitely be doing?
a)	Deez nutz.
b)	The fuck?
c)	Say what?
d)	Pants
e)	Jogging.

2)	What is my favorite type of music?
a)	Country
b)	Country and Western
c)	Western
d)	Western and Country
e)	West Country

3)	If I had 1 day left to live, how would I live it?
a)	Yeah, son.
b)	Burritos.
c)	Quiz.
d)	D.
e)	?

4)	I secretly would like to be a ________ for a day?
a)	Muskrat
b)	Fireman's hat.
c)	Ribbon in the Sky.
d)	Freedom.
e)	Sprained Ankle.

5)	If I won the lotto, what is the craziest thing I would do?
a)	Kill.
b)	Murder.
c)	Murder Kill.
d)	Play Darts.
e)	Eat apples (allergic).

6)	What is my middle name?
a)	Suave
b)	Defense
c)	Titty
d)	Hirohito
e)	Girlfriend

7)	I am most happiest when ________?
a)	makin' dat money.
b)	sailing.
c)	fart sandwich.
d)	farming.
e)	when.

8)	What is my sexiest feature?
a)	Dumb and Dumber
b)	Borat
c)	Spinal Tap
d)	Orgazmo
e)	The Dallas Connection

9)	If I was running out of my burning house, what item would I grab?
a)	Deez Nutz.
b)	dat money.
c)	trophies.
d)	bitches.
e)	flava.

10)	What is my favorite movie?
a)	Soccer?
b)	Basketball?
c)	Wolves?
d)	Bum Equipment?
e)	Guitar?

11)	Bonus: What is my favorite store to shop at?
a)	Ending a sentence with a preposition?
b)	Ending a sentence with a noun?
c)	Ending a sentence with a adverb?
d)	Ending a sentence with a article?
e)	Ending a sentence with a titty?

Lyric's from Lil Wayne's "Whip It"

This has to be the most ignorant thing I've ever heard. If Idiocracy ever becomes real, this song will be the national anthem. I can't guess what most of the lyrics even mean.

Best/Worst Lyrics:

- "Pimpin' over here and I ain't Santa Claus, but I make it rain dear."

He starts out with a pun. A weak pun, with poor grammar, but he could have done worse. At least he's not saying something like, "Whip it like a slave."

-"Whip it like a slave. [repeat over and over]"

Oh wait, he is. Wow. If Al Sharpton isn't on this yesterday, I'm going to start to think that Rev. Al doesn't really have the best of intentions, and may even be a hypocritical asshole. Whip it like a slave? Does he know that slaves were real? He's making a joke about slaves like they're trolls or something.

-"Weezy at the plate.

I could bunt it out of here safe as a motherfucker

Ain't no safety button on this motherfucker

Where the safe motherfucker?"

In this verse, we've established that "motherfucker" rhymes with "motherfucker." Also, apparently motherfucker rhymes with "plate." I don't know what this verse is about.

-"Fat ass, skinny stomach. Pretty feet, pretty woman."

I don't know what to say about this. This is like Crucial Element circa 2001. And do feet really deserve to be compared alongside ass and stomach? On my list, feet is just above ears and tonsils. Did he even look at her face? Or is his process really: "Ass: check. Stomach: check. Feet: check. Pretty woman!"

-"Kunta Kinte on my shit, nigga

Like I ate a plate of Roots for dinner

But I ate a plate of loot for dinner

I'm in the garden sellin' fruit to sinners."

This might be offensive to anyone who has even heard of slavery. Kunta Kinte is on your shit? Does "your shit" include freedom? Oh, it does? That might have something to do with it. And there's no logic to the verse. Is Kunta on the fruit you're selling? What are you talking about? Does your brain work?

-"Whip it like a slave. [repeat over and over]"

Again? No!

-"Like apples to Shaq, hey big spender

And do remember just like Brenda

2 grand still get ya four and a baby

I'ma kill 'em when I drop like I'm holdin' a baby"

Who is Brenda? Apples to Shaq? What does that mean? Is Shaq allergic to apples? I am. $2k will get you four and a baby? Four what, and a real baby, is that a euphemism? What does all of this mean?

-"3 4 5 train bitch, suwoop

If you ain't on my train, bitch, choo choo."

Whenever you work a train sound into a song, you get a couple points back from me.

-"Whip it like a slave. [repeat over and over]"

Looks like I'll be taking those points back.

-"I spit like backwash, sasquatch."

What the fuck? Backwash? What could he possibly be talking about? I think he made up a word to rhyme with sasquatch. But sasquatch has no legitimate context either. This whole line is filler, and he came up with "I spit like backwash, sasquatch." That's something Sloth from The Goonies would yell.

-"Stackzilla, trash bag."

No one knows what this means, but it is fun to say. I'll give him that.

-"Whip it like a slave. [repeat over and over]"

Stackzilla, trash bag.

Good News! I Don't Think I Have AIDS!

-New Drinking Game: Watch CNN. Every time they say "Twitter," you do a shot. I've been watching for an hour and they've mentioned Twitter several times. Iraq: 0.

- On the HIV- Negative front: Last night, I was walking through Union Square, on my way to a show, when a guy who was standing behind me ran his fingers through my hair. Not like he touched my hair. It was like we were doing a shampoo commercial together. I turned to see what was going on. It was a short black guy who greeted me with a fancy handshake and, "What's up, my nigga?"

"Hey."

Then there was a pause, as I was expecting him to try to sell me a CD, as per Union Square protocol. Nothing. Just silence. I asked, "So, what's up?"

"Just saying 'Hey'."

"Alright."

Then the guy went into CVS. About 10 seconds later, I noticed a spot on my hand, which had recently been shaken fancily. It was burning and red. It also looked like there was a puncture mark. I was certain that this guy poked me with an AIDS needle, just like they do in email forwards. If he didn't run his fingers through my hair, it would have never crossed my mind. But you have no idea how creepy that was.

After about two hours of freaking out, I finally accepted that his fingernail probably scratched me, or his ring pinched me. He most-likely ran his hand through my hair thinking that I would put my hands on my hair, and he could reach in my pocket and take my absence of money.

So, phew... no AIDS... for now.