Hello. How are you? That's good to hear. I'm always interested in how you're doing.
A couple weeks ago, I submitted for a monologue writing job for a TV show. I didn't get the job, but am thankful that I was considered. It was my first time writing monologue style jokes, or short jokes in general, so I wasn't expecting to get hired. I didn't want the jokes to just sit on my computer, so here you are; two-week old topical jokes. Not jokes about the news. Jokes about the olds. I think they're still funny.
A 29-year-old Japanese man burned his house down after his mother threw away his Gundam toys - Gundam being a semi-popular cartoon. Insurance reps contacted verified that although the house was destroyed, the man's virginity remains intact.
Investors Business Daily printed an editorial which claimed that "scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man... is essentially worthless. " When alerted that Hawking has lived his entire life in the UK, the paper responded, "No, not that Stephen Hawking. We're talking about the one that Judy from accounting went to high school with...." In all fairness, because Hawking doesn't have a pronounced British accent, the editors of the paper assumed Hawking was from The Land of Speak and Spell.
Representative Paul Broun, of Georgia, has announced that Obama and his team of "socialist elites" are planning to "declare martial law." Pundits believe Representative Broun has confused President Obama with a villain from a Steven Segal movie.
A doctor in Kuala Lumpur has said that "masturbation and homosexual activities" increase your risk of getting the swine flu, while heterosexual sex has no effect whatsoever. The doctor went on to assert that threesomes with Kuala Lumpurian doctors can result in "solid gold babies and the ability to fly... ladies....”
A lengthy investigation has revealed that Karl Rove was deeply involved in the political firings of US Attorneys. The investigation has also revealed that he was behind Transformers 2, 16 and Pregnant, and cancer.
A group of people in Florida found a 60 lb bag of cocaine lying on a river bank. When police questioned them, they said, [speaking really fast] "Oh man, we were just hanging out, right. Just hanging out. We were at the river right. Just hanging out. We were at the river. Just hanging out. Then we saw the bag. See, we were just at the river. Oh man, bags are fun. I like bags. Cocaine yes. Rivers. Can I have the bag back?"
Tulsa, Oklahoma mayoral candidate, Mary Falling, is leading in polls while running on the central campaign promise of adding a creationism exhibit to the Tulsa Zoo. Some suspect she's winning because her opponent is running on the even-more controversial ‘Kill All The Kittens’ platform.”
Faith healers in New Zealand claim that they can pray away cancer and broken bones. Many people who have tried the treatment are perplexed that it hasn't worked. One confused man said, "I just don't get it, the guy put his hand on my head and start speaking gibberish. But here I am, and my leg is still broken. Maybe the good Lord has another plan for me."
Parents in East Berkley, CA are protesting a huge sculpture of a DNA double-helix. One concerned father said, "Now I’m forced to explain genetics to her, and why the Bible doesn’t say anything about it.” The man also dreads the day when he has to give her the "where iPods come from" talk.
It has just been reported that members of the 2006 Pittsburgh Steelers and the Pennsylvania State Police held a gun party in which they fired illegal weapons. The NFL hasn't planned any disciplinary action. Terrell Owens, meanwhile, was fined by the league for wearing brown socks with a black belt.
Demonstrators at a town hall in Tampa, Florida were chanting, "Keep government out of Medicare." Later they could be heard chanting "Keep rain out of clouds," "Keep basketball out of the NBA," and "Who needs a high school diploma?"
Chuck Norris is warning people that Obama's healthcare proposal gives the government the right to come into homes and tell people how to raise their kids. The Obama administration countered by reminding people that it’s just as likely that Chuck Norris could come right into their homes and give them a roundhouse to the face.
A 41-year-old woman spotted a man masturbating on the 3 train in Manhattan. After reporting the crime to police, an officer told her it was "not a police matter." The officer then clarified that if the woman didn't want anyone masturbating in front of her, then maybe she should stop wearing that low cut shirt that's just asking for it.
After four separate blow-dart attacks in Delaware, investigators now believe the attacks are related. There are no leads, but police believe the crimes were perpetrated by a man from the mid to late 1500s who would be very upset if he saw someone litter.
A Greenwich, CT man broke into a neighbor's home, cut his own pubic hair and left. The next day he felt guilty and told the neighbor, who then called the police and had the man arrested for first-degree burglary. Talk about stripping our Constitutional rights. First, Obama wants to socialize healthcare, and now you can't even break into you neighbor's house to shave your balls. Welcome to communist Russia. In communist Russia, your balls shave you.
Senators Sam Brownback and Mary Landrieu have proposed a bill to ban scientists from genetically engineering half-human half-animals. This sets the centaur rights movement back years.
A woman in Grand Forks, North Dakota has been convicted of breastfeeding while drunk. Although she admits to doing it, she insists it's not her fault. She said, "Me and Baby was at the club, and I was just havin' a couple beers, but Baby kept orderin' shots like it was nothin'. If Baby wants to do Jaeger Bombs, what I'm goin' say? You betta talk to Baby 'bout that."
There's a dispute regarding the conclusions of Billy Mays' autopsy. The only aspect of the autopsy that no one objects to is that it was fast-acting, a process you can swear by, and clean-up was a snap!
At healthcare town halls across the country, people are claiming that President Obama's healthcare plan includes a "Death Panel," which will decide who to euthanize. After being told that that isn't true, protesters became desperate and insisted they heard that Obama is in cahoots with Skeletor and everyone who has ever fought Rocky.
Doug Manchester, a California millionaire, who helped finance Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage, is now divorcing his wife of 43 years. Prop 8 opponents are now passing around a petition to ban ironic divorces.
