You Watch the World Series

Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that the Chicago Bulls are my religion. Three comic friends and I were watching the Bulls' season opener at a bar. We're the only people at the bar. With three minutes left, the bartender just turned the tv to the World Series. We all freaked out. He said, "World Series."
We said, "We're watching basketball."
"World Series."
"Basketball. No one wants to watch baseball."
"World Series."
That was his whole argument. Just those two words. So he changed it. No one is watching baseball. And we're all leaving now. If you are a bartender, don't be a dick. The end.

Next Shanghai Adventure

After my last show in Shanghai, a guy, who I think was German, approached me.

"What do you have next in China?"

"I'm going to Beijing early in the morning?"

"Beijing..."

"Yeah."

"Hold on."

The guy walked to the bar, pulled out a pen and ripped a page off of a waitress' note pad. He wrote one word, then walked back to me. As soon as he was within a couple feet of me, he whipped the paper through the air, like he was a magician pulling a quarter out of the air at a children's hospital. The paper said, "Chocklate(sic)."

"When you're in Beijing, you have to go to Chocolate."

"Chocolate?"

"It's an Eastern-European sex house. You'd love it."

What? What was I doing that put out an "I fuck whores" vibe? I was doing what I normally do, which I consider to be anti-whore at best, and whore-neutral at worst. But what also sprang to my mind is, whenever I hear Eastern-European and sex house in the same sentence (once ever), I immediately think of reading about the Eastern-European sex trade, where they sell kids into prostitution. So, not only am I thinking that he's looking at me and thinking, "This guy fucks whores," but also, "This guy fucks kids." I do neither.

I was later told that there are no kids at Chocolate. Regardless of that fact, I did not go.

Someone else tried to sell me on Shanghai, which is already an awesome place, by saying, "Anything that can happen, happens in Shanghai." That may be appealing for some, but it's noon and I've already created a spreadsheet for personal use, and I'm about to go to Best Buy to make a return. I don't need the full scope of possibility in order to have a good time.

Video from a Shanghai Set

This is video of a character I did in Shanghai.

Adventures in Shanghai Volume 1: Greetings from Tomorrow

I tried to blog and Twitter updates from China, however, China has blocked Blogger.com, Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and several news sites that I rely on. They block anything that encourages people to get together. American Idol has been banned because it encourages voting. Andrew Sullivan's blog has been blocked because he posts updates on the Green Revolution in Iran. Because I couldn't blog from China, I sent email updates to a few friends. I'll post them here, one per day for the next several days.

Dear Friends,

I would be writing this on my blog, but Blogger.com, Facebook, YouTube and all forms of Internet fun are blocked in China. Also, I was notified that local authorities are monitoring my email. So, China #1 super fun happy okay!

I'm wrapping up my first day in Shanghai. Even though I was awake for about 27 straight hours, I had trouble sleeping last night. The fact that it's tomorrow here is fucking me up. I flew west, so for several hours the time was going backwards. Then, all of a sudden, it was tomorrow. How does that work? I think the Olympics are still going on.

I woke up at 4:30 AM and tried to go back to sleep, until I gave up at 6AM. At that time, I went to the gym. The gym here is very nice, and the gym staff works very hard, I think. A manager walked in with a member of the cleaning staff, angrily pointed at an invisible fingerprint on a mirror, and made the girl scrub it. There is a fire hose in the gym. There is also a translation error on the fire hose. It is labeled "Fire Cock." (Check Facebook for that picture in the next couple days.)

I got back to my room and ordered room service. I figured that food in China is cheap enough that I could afford room service this morning. My meal was $15. If I wanted to tack orange juice onto the bill, that would have been an additional $9. Once again, how does that work?

After talking to my girlfriend for a while on the Google Voice, I took a short nap, after which I decided to explore the city. Although the country is cheap, there's a Ferrari dealership in my hotel (JW Marriott), so my district is a little pricey. I walked around for a few minutes and was hassled about once per 30 seconds by people trying to sell watches and DVDs. I don't know why everyone thinks Americans are thirsting for bootleg movies and the time. There's a huge clock tower where people are selling the watches. The tower is a constant reminder that I don't need a clock on my wrist as well.

Moments later, I stumbled across blocks and blocks of small food stands. They were great. I got two sticks of grilled beef (I hope), four dumplings and a custard thing for under $3. I felt like a fucking beast. I thought I was taking over China. Then I walked around a little more, until I got slightly lost. Then I heard, "Hey... hey... I speak English..." After a while, I ignored people because they were all trying to sell me shitty watches, but this voice sounded friendly, so I turned and said hi. It was a Mongolian art student named Jennifer. Jennifer is a very common name in Mongolia and Richard is a very common name in China. I swear. Jennifer was in Shanghai for an art exhibition for her school. She spoke perfect English, which destroyed my image of Mongolia. The country has 11 roads, but somehow Jennifer has learned perfect English. Anyway, she brought me to her art exhibition. It was pretty cool stuff, and reasonably priced after I negotiated, I think. I've never priced Mongolian and Northern Chinese art before. I bought a couple things to bring back as gifts. Jennifer is a con artist. I had been duped. I bought quality paintings, but I later found out that even after I negotiated, I still paid double the market price.

In my mind, all of my gift spending was finished for the trip. I just needed to buy something for my girlfriend and my mom. That's it. It was time to go back to the hotel and take a short nap before the show. I decided to cut through the park in front of my hotel to make the walk back more scenic. Then I heard, "Hey, where are you from?" I turned and it was three female Chinese students. I told them I'm from New York (They haven't heard of Jersey City Heights). One remarked that my English is very good. I thought that was funny, so I talked to them for a few minutes, asking what I should do and see while in Shanghai. They listed a bunch of stuff that I would never do even if I lived in Shanghai. Then they said they were going to a tea ceremony, and invited me come along.. Apparently there's a tea festival or something every three years, and I'm in luck. I told them that I didn't have time, but appreciated the invite. Then they moved in for the sell and said, "It's only five minutes away and the ceremony takes about 20 minutes. It's a Chinese tradition that you should experience." I decided I should do it for the experience. During the walk over, I learned that one of them is named whatever is Chinese for Pig, one was Zhu-Zhu, and the other was Linda. I wondered if Linda meant pig in Chinese. You probably have to see her to get that.

The tea ceremony was in a little room in an office building looking place (not specifically an office building). It was the four of us and teamaster, or whatever that person is called. We were to have tiny cups of six kinds of tea. There were ceremonial aspects, such as pouring the first cup over the head of a brass frog/fish, then touching the colored beads on its back for luck, and spinning the coin in its mouth to bring us money in the future. We had our sips of tea. Then we were asked if we would like to buy any. I bought a small can of a kind whose name I don't remember and whose purchase I now regret. All was good. The ceremony was fun, but it was time to go back to the hotel. But first, the bill. I was expecting my portion to be about $15 after buying the can of tea. I was off by quite a bit. How much money do you think you spend on tea per month or year? I figured that I probably spend about $20-30 per year on tea. That might even be on the high end. So I was a little surprised when I saw that my quarter of the bill was $160. Actually, it was originally $190, but I talked them down, because they were trying to get me to split what was owed for the youngest in the group, saying that's a tradition. I remarked, "I don't know her, so I'm not spending a fucking dime on her." After saying that about 10 different ways, the price was negotiated down to $160. That's $160 USD, not China-money. $160 for a few sips of tea. Instead of spinning the coin in the mouth of the fish/frog, how about not going to tea ceremonies. That will save you some money. Yep, another scam. Guess how much money I had left in my pocket after the art exhibition, which I thought would last for the remainder of the trip? Exactly the Yuan equivalent of $160 USD. I can't get over this. I spent $160 on fucking tea. Tea. The shit grows outside. Some of it might be categorized as weeds. One was chrysanthemum. I have six chrysanthemum plants on my front steps. They cost about $50 total. It was good, but for $160, it should be magical. As far as I can tell, the powers have yet to set in, and my meals for the remainder of the trip and when I return to the States will be relegated to Ramen noodles.

Fucking Bullshit,

Ryan

Update: That night, I discovered that these are the two most common scams in Shanghai. I told people, "I paid $160 for a cup of tea today," and they would respond, "At least you didn't do the art exhibit thing too." "Oh, I did that before the tea ceremony." In future China postings, you will see that I learned my lesson and was hardened. For the rest of the trip, I refused to buy anything unless it was less than 25% of original price.

The Next Week

Tomorrow morning, I leave for China. I'm hoping to update my blog at least once per day. I even bought a 12 mega-super-pixel camera today. Pictures in a blog? What is this, the future? Not yet, but tomorrow will be. So check back for all things comedy in China. It should be entertaining, considering all the Mandarin I was able to learn is "The man rides a horse."

I'll also try to update Twitter. My page is http://www.twitter.com/rccoomedy

More Formerly Topical Jokes

These are jokes that I wrote for Weekend Update last week.

As the New Jersey Governor’s race heats up, the Star-Ledger of Newark on Sunday endorsed the independent candidate Chris Daggett. The downside for Chris Daggett is that no one in Newark can read.

Police in North Carolina have found 929 gallons of moonshine under a shed in the mountains. The police then quickly retracted, "No, it was like 600 gallons. Right guys?"

Members of the five-person Norwegian committee that gave President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize strongly defended their decision on Monday saying that President Obama’s actions have contributed to “a world with less tension.” The runners-up to Obama were Kleenex and Jergens, also for lessening world tension.

A clump of Elvis Presley’s hair, cut off when he joined the army, is being auctioned off this weekend. No matter who wins, one thing is certain: They will die alone.

The insurance industry on Monday launched its first major attack in the health care debate by issuing a report warning that the plan will spark huge premium hikes. It's the first time the insurance industry has gone on record to admit they're dicks.

White House officials on Sunday called Fox News and its owner Rupert Murdoch “a wing of the Republican Party” adding, “Let’s not pretend they’re a news network.” Fox News responded by airing a Fair and Balanced report called, "Obama: Communist or Just Evil?"

According to new research adults who learn new tricks such as juggling can improve the "writing" of their brains. The research also reveals that they can annoy friends by saying, "Hey, watch what I can do."

According to a new study while many parents discourage their children from lying, the parents themselves often lie to influence the behavior and emotions of their kids. The study was conducted by the No Shit Foundation.

Walt Disney announced plans this week to drastically overhaul its mall stores to turn them into mini theme parks that will hopefully attract more children, boost sales, and ensure that parents avoid that area of the mall.

It was reported that Bernie Madoff last week got into fight with another senior citizen prisoner over the state of the stock market. In the end, things were resolved and Madoff now goes by the name of "Fish."

A former flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet is suing the talk show host saying that she was falsely fired after being accused of having sex with a pilot during a flight. She said the accusations are so false that they could be the plot of an memoir in Oprah's Book Club.

While on a recent expedition to look for the Lock Ness monster, a US research team instead discovered thousands of plastic golf balls. Simultaneously, the world discovered that a US research team is full of morons.

Many are saying that Maine Senator Olympia Snowe, who crossed party lines to vote for the new health care reform bill, is the true female maverick of the Republican Party. Sarah Palin responded by Twitter, "Senate Snowe bad no maverick. I rogue she not... Where my hocky moms. LOL :-)"

Two Republican Senators have introduced a bill that would exclude illegal immigrants from the population count that is used to allocate congressional seats after the 2010 Census. Illegal immigrants are already excluded from this process, but some Republican Senators wanted to reassure their constituents that they are indeed racist.

A townhouse in New York City that is reportedly haunted by a man in a top hat and tails, is now up for sale for 4.2 million dollars. The ghost hasn't worried prospective buyers, because all he does is drink old-fashioneds and talk about the railroad.

A new report says that five giant, non-native snake species could pose high risk to wildlife, especially in Florida. Native snakes are furious that the non-native snakes are taking all their snake jobs.

It was reported this week that the military has completed its best recruiting year since 1973, meeting all its goals and bringing in a better-educated group of young people. The military extended a heartfelt thanks to the 10% unemployment rate.

Navy officials said this week that women could possibly be allowed to serve on submarines by 2011. Moments later, Navy officials were stunned to discover that women are allowed to vote and chew gum in public.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger this week signed a new law that will fine paparazzi for taking photos that invade a celebrity’s right to privacy. Guys annoyed by their girlfriends' Perez Hilton habit rejoiced.

Pepsi is being criticized for an iPhone application that promises to help men hook up with women by allowing them to select what type of woman they are interested in and then offers possible pick-up lines.

Sample pick-up lines include, "Hey do you like Pepsi? Well, I'd like to Pep-see you with your clothes off."

A woman in Michigan was arrested after she called police to report the theft of marijuana plants from her house. She then called police about society's theft of her educational opportunities.

A Storm is a Brewing

The official Republican National Committee blog, which was called "What Up?" is now called, "Change the Game."(What demographic are they pandering to?) When the extreme right-wing finds out that Change the Game is a Jay-Z reference, they will all go out and buy the Dynasty album. Sorry, that's a typo. I meant they will drink Wild Turkey while yelling racial slurs until they pass out and wake up hours later only to see Change the Game still up on their computer, thus forcing them to get out the Wild Turkey all over again. It's gonna be a vicious circle.

Some jokes I wrote that were not on SNL

A new study shows that women ages 59 to 97 sleep a quarter of an hour longer on average than men of the same age. A related study shows that men ages 59 to 97 enjoy the 15 minutes of silence.

A growing trend in fashion this year is veils. This coincides with a continuing trend of ugly people not wanting to be ugly.

Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve board said Sunday that the nation’s unemployment rate of 9.8 is “pretty awful” and he expects the figure to continue climbing. As the leading voice for financial deregulations, he then added, "Oh yeah, my bad."

Westworld, an alternative newspaper in Denver, Colorado, is searching for a medical marijuana critic. Thousands of people were going to apply, until they found a bag of Combos in the kitchen and had a change of plans.

Pope Benedict criticized the West on Sunday saying that western materialism and immorality have contaminated Africa like “toxic waste.” The pope often confuses western materialism and immorality with poverty and AIDS.

A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a woman’s car after skipping out on the check on their first date. Allen Iverson has denied all charges.

Twin brother pediatricians in Ohio are going on trial this week on charges that they used their practice to recruit boys for sex. The two brothers are seeking amnesty in France, which may be hard to come by as they didn't direct Chinatown.

A chemistry professor at the University of Pavia said he was able to reproduce the Shroud of Turin using material available in the 14th century, which he says proves that the cloth was not used to cover the body of Jesus Christ. Christians responded that "The Lord works in mysterious ways."

North Korea’s leader Kim Jon Il said this week that his government was ready to return to six nation talks ending its nuclear weapons program. In related news, North Korea has hid its nuclear weapons.

Conservative lawmakers in Egypt have called for a ban on imports of a Chinese-made kit meant to help women fake their virginity on their wedding night. The kit makes women act nervous, lay motionless and cry.

Scientists said this week that they have developed a cocaine vaccine that can prevent addicts from getting high by blocking the drug’s effect on the brain, though it does not blunt cravings for the drug. The cravings can now only be satiated with heroin.

On her first day on the Supreme Court, Justice Sonia Sotomayor asked as many questions and made as many comments as more senior members of the court. Stereotype...

Mark Burnett, the producer of Survivor, is creating a reality show version of “Fantasy Island.” The show is said to be similar to Survivor, except that no one will watch.

Many high schools across the country are filing legal suits against students who create “My School Sucks” pages on Facebook. Targets of these lawsuits have responded, "See what I mean?"

Since David Letterman’s announcement of the blackmail plot against him, ratings for the Late Show have shot up with Monday night’s show, the first since the revelation, getting the third highest ratings in the show’s history. Upon hearing this, Ed Schultz scrambled to find a co-worker who would sleep with him.

On Wednesday a statue honoring Helen Keller was unveiled in the US Capitol’s National Statuary Hall, which is the first statue in the Capitol of a person with a disability as well as the first of a child. The statue is said to closely resemble a young Keller, particularly her speech and sight.

A man has been walking from Texas with a 12 foot cross on his back is expected to reach his hometown in Washington state on Wednesday where he hopes to reconcile with the mother of his children. The man never thought of just calling.

A new report states that the chances of getting food poisoning from a mom-an-pop style restaurant in the Salt Lake City area is greater than getting it from a national chain. This study was conducted at the popular Salt Lake City diner, Fertile Mayonnaise.

An Xbox 360 videogame console purportedly signed by Sarah Palin is being auctioned on eBay for 1.1 million dollars. The console is reported to be able to distort reality to an even greater degree.

Jokeroo

Sorry for the absence of blogs lately. I've been really busy. Here's how it works: If I'm writing a lot of blogs, then I'm not working on other stuff that I should be working on. So the past couple months have been very productive aside from the blog.
Last week, I started contributing to SNL's Weekend Update. I just got approval to post my submissions after the episode airs. So here are some topical jokes that happened too long ago to still be funny.

1. This week people were able to follow Twitter messages from gorillas in Uganda and learn about their everyday lives.
Most of the Tweets pertained to bananas and what their neighbor's ass smelled like.

2. It was announced Tuesday that Sarah Palin has just finished writing her memoirs and that they will be released on November 17th.
The publisher announced that there will be no audio book because "Some of the illustrations are too hard to describe."

3. Just four months after her book deal was announced, Sarah Palin finished writing her memoirs.
Sources close to the former governor are surprised she would write a book before reading one.

4. A new survey shows that 37 percent of Americans lie about their weight to their spouse or partner.
Another survey revealed that 100 percent of Americans can see the weight their spouse or partner is gaining.

5. A small group of nine homeless sex offenders have set up camp in a wooded area behind a suburban Atlanta office park, which is now affectionately referred to as Rape City.

6. Researchers are saying that as humans move closer to where Koala bears live in Australia, the stress is bringing on the disease chlamydia, which has infected up to 90 percent of the animals.
One researcher then nervously clarified, "Oh yeah, that's how koala's get chlamydia. You didn't know that? Look, me and the koalas were just playing canasta."

7. This week Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte will travel to the International Space Station aboard a Russian rocket.
This should please everyone who thinks the International Space Station isn't quite gay enough.

8. Tufts University recently responded to a large number of complaints about roommate sexual activities by instituting a new policy for students with roommate in on-campus housing that prohibits sex while the other roommate is in the room.
One computer science major responded, "Dude, I would be having sex all the time, but my roommate is always around. Rules are rules."

9. Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar and Martin Scorcese are among the 138 people in the film industry who have signed a petition demanding “the immediate release” of director Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Switzerland this weekend on charges that he raped a 13 year-old girl.
The petition is informally called "The list of people who don't realize statutory rape is illegal."

10. According to a new book by George W. Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer, the former president objected to giving Harry Potter author JK Rowling a presidential medal because the Harry Potter books encouraged witchcraft.
President Bush also opposed awarding the medal to George Lucas, because he felt Star Wars encouraged Wookies to fly space ships.

11. To help celebrate China’s 60th anniversary, the state-controlled mobile service company “surprised” its customers by changing their cellphone ringback tones to a patriotic song.
Nothing livens up a sweatshop like constantly hearing snippets of a song about Chairman Mao.

12. A 507 carat diamond, which is about the size of chicken egg, has been found in a mine in South Africa and may be among the world’s 20 highest-quality gems.
The miner who found it was compensated with an actual chicken egg and the privilege of keeping his hands.

13. It was reported this week that Heather Mills, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, will appear on the British TV show “Dancing on Ice.”
Heather Mills: 0 - Paul McCartney: 1.

14. A newest addition to the American Girl doll line is Gwen, who is homeless and costs 95 dollars.
The real homeless Gwen will receive no royalties.

15. Veterinarians are saying that some dogs and cats are living longer reaching 15 years or more.
That number is expected to decrease now that Michael Vick is out of prison.