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Tales from Chinaland, Part Something: Vengeance!

I'm not a fan of routine. At the same time, I'm not into being crazy. I like experiencing new things as much as possible. But not if they're dangerous or fit a certain class of crime... SHANGHAI!

That was the trailer for this entry.

While in a foreign place, I used to forget that what's normal for there isn't necessarily normal for the United States, the place where I live. I toured Western Europe right before my senior year of high school with an orchestra. A perfect storm occurred while there: My dad gave me a credit card with a higher limit than I currently have. My sense of fashion norms were heavily skewed after about a week in Europe. The orchestra didn't allow us to wear jeans. And lastly, Billy Corgan wore silver pants at the time. All these things caused me to buy clothes and dress like a douche for a while. Maybe not a douche, but something. We'll say I dressed with oblivious self-confidence. I bought a pair of shiny silver pants. I bought a pair of shiny blue Diesel pants, because I knew the name Diesel due to them providing Chris Hardwick's wardrobe on Singled Out. I also bought a weird black, purple, and lime green Versace shirt. How do you top that? Why, with a black, red and white Versace jacket. I wore these things regularly for about a year. I would often wear them with royal blue Nike Foamposites. I looked like a clown. Like a gay/European clown.

Over the years, I've become more aware of these things. I still wear wolf shirts regularly, and an American Standard shirt that says, "Proud to be plunger-free," but nothing is shiny. So, when I was in China, I was ready for it. I wouldn't fall victim to any goofy-ass clothes. For the most part, Chinese people wear the exact same things we wear here. But whenever I entered a store, I would instantly be accosted by a salesperson claiming to have the perfect shirt for me. "My friend, I have super deal for you. Beautiful shirt. You like very much."

It would a mess of purple, orange, forest green, brown and hot pink, with a panda riding a dragon.

"My friend, the panda bring you friendship, and the dragon bring you much prosperity."

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it will bring me ridicule and regret as well. The friendship and prosperity is just a theory. I'd put money on ridicule and regret. I'm gonna pass.

A common theme in Shanghai was "This place is crazy. Do crazy stuff." I am not a huge fan of crazy stuff, mainly because I know the meaning of the word crazy. I was invited to "the only legal hash bar in China." Not going. The fact that it's the only legal hash bar means that it's not a legal hash bar. They're either paying off the police, or they haven't been caught yet. No thanks.

A guy I hung out with a lot there said, "Anything that can be done, is done in Shanghai." I don't think that's a reference to dreams coming true. I think it's more, "You wouldn't believe where your fist would fit for only $10." No thank you. I'll just eat some noodles.

This is one of the best music videos you will ever see.

I Say Fever, by Ramona Falls

China Part 5: Things Happened!

Before the China stuff, I just need to state something for the record. Yesterday, I played a full-court basketball game and made one of the most impressive defensive plays of my life. The best player on the other team beat his man and was going in for a lay-up. I came from the weak side, and while he was in the air with the ball extended, with both hands, I took the ball from him like it was a hand-off. He was humiliated. If you don't play basketball, that means nothing to you. I you do play basketball, you still don't care. Some things just need to be put out there.

CHINESE

I don't go to clubs. Before going to China, I had been to one club in my life. That was in Madrid. I've written about it here on my blog. It was the night I hit rock-bottom, and I won't mention it again.

I don't go to clubs for several reasons:

1. I don't dance.

2. I don't go to places that charge covers. Why should anyone have to pay just to be in a building when other buildings don't charge? It's insane.

3. People who go to clubs annoy me. Not all of them, but you know what I mean.

4. I don't like loud places, unless it's a concert.

5. I don't like being surrounded by drunk people, unless they're my friends.

6. I don't go to places that have a dress-code.

7. I don't like club/danceable music.

8. I don't like being overcharged for drinks.

9. Conversation is my forte, so I don't like being in places that aren't conducive to conversations.

About nine years ago, after talking about clubs with my friend, Travode, I put in an Otis Redding CD, and Travode said, "You're like a 50-year-old black man." I froze for a second, then couldn't refute it.

Despite the nine huge strikes, I still went to a club in Beijing. After one of the shows, a group of audience members asked if I wanted to join them at a place called "Bling." They said they "have a table." Negative. I will never go to a place called Bling, no matter what country it's in. And I will never pay a fee to sit at a table at any point in my life. Then the people who put on the show invited me to a bar with them. It was a quiet little bar. Very fun. $2 beers. Quiet enough to talk without yelling. Then I was told that I should go to a club called "Mixx" to observe what a Chinese club is like. The people who invited me were cool and not clubbers by any means. They said it's really funny to watch people at clubs. I agreed to go.

The club shared a parking lot with one of the Olympic stadiums. Across the lot from Mixx, was a club whose name I can't remember, but it rhymes with Mixx. The adjacent club also had an Outback Steakhouse in it, which was very confusing.

We entered the club and payed the cover, which was about $8 USD. The place was madness. Rap and Latin music was blaring. Some new stuff that was horrible, and some old stuff that was equally as horrible, like Kriss-Kross. Now, onto the differences...

1. American djs have headphones on and look like they're into the music the whole time. This dj stood completely upright, stoic, and calmly clicked a mouse. Now I have the phrase, "He looked like a communist dj," at my disposal.

2. Girls at American clubs take dancing very seriously (Keep in mind that I've never been to an American club, but I have seen The Real World). Most look like they know what they're doing. It may look like a variation of a standing dry-hump, but it's coordinated and looks rehearsed. And for a bit of positive racism: every Latin person I've ever seen dance clearly knows what they're doing. In China, there are two dances. If you're a "good" dancer, you stand on the stage and dance for all to see. They think they look like girls in rap videos. But in reality, everyone looked like they were doing different incantations of the robot. That was worth the price of admission. The other dance was far better. I call it The Standard. The guys I went to the club with, and I, stood in the middle of the dance floor, none of us dancing, to get a better view of what was going on. We were surrounded by The Standard. Guys looked like they were drunk and struggling to stand up. It may have been a dance. They may have actually been trying to stand up. The girls did the funniest dance I've ever seen. With a stiff torso and limp arms, they jogged in place. Every girl there! With every step, the limp arms would swing slightly. All this was done with a huge smile on their faces. I can't imagine dancing with someone when that's their go-to move. It seems like you would just be racking up Charlie Horses as their knees slam into your legs. "This is so much fun. Do you have any ice?"

3. There were a lot of Eastern European guys there too. I couldn't tell if most of them were gay, or it was just cultural differences.

4. A guy passed out on the sidewalk next to me as I went outside for fresh air. I turned to look at him and foam was bubbling from his mouth. Security did the right thing and carried him to the edge of the building where they dropped him. Eventually an ambulance came.

5. I wore jeans, a green t-shirt, and grey New Balances, and I had no trouble getting in. That could never happen at an American club.

6. No fights. I didn't even see an argument. Everyone seemed really friendly, whereas I think about 10% of Americans go to clubs hoping they'll get into a fight.

The next day, I went to Forbidden City and a really good Thai Restaurant, and the club experience was forgotten.

Guy almost died.

Race Surprises

There are a few singers whose races I was wrong about until I was at least 25. There are probably more that I have wrong, but I don't know how to find that info. Danny Rouhier suggested I search for "race surprises," but all the results pertained to horses and politics. Here are the big four. If you knew the races of all four of these guys, then you are probably a liar.

1. Dan Hartman - I Can Dream About You

I would have put all of my possessions on this song being by a white guy.

2. Peter Frampton - Peter Frampton is somehow white. I actually thought he was Jamaican. This is another one that I would have put money on 10 years ago.

3. Billy Ocean - Get Out of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)

I still can't believe Billy Ocean isn't white. His name is Billy Ocean. It's like Bill Simmons' Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. This is like if someone told me David Ruffin (Temptations) was white.

4. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up

This song prompted the list. It was on one night in Arlington about 4 years ago that Danny Rouhier told me Astley is white and Billy Ocean and Dan Hartman are black. It reversed my brain. I could not believe it. I was wrong on all three. Not only is Rick Astley white, but he's also British. How do I process that?

Bonus: Milli Vanilli: The guys who actually sang their studio tracks were white, which just adds confusion to the whole thing.

China Part 4: To Be Continued

You are so fucking lucky. Initially, I wrote a paragraph about how my rent is going up, so I'm moving. You can thank me for deleting that paragraph and replacing it with these three boring sentences.

China.

This is a small one, but there's something about an airplane that makes a man order tomato juice. I don't know what it is, but every time I'm on a plane I start jonesing for it. This time, so many people had my condition that on the first beverage cart trip, they ran out of tomato juice before they got to me. The entire row in front of me and my entire row asked for it. If you're a sociologist, can you please study this? Note that I have never desired tomato juice while standing on the Earth.

I probably have 30 China-related stories to relay. This is one from the flight to China. At each seat, we had a screen where we could watch any of 400 movies and 100 TV shows. I decided that 18 hours captive on a loud plain was a great time to watch some great movies. I've had this problem over the years that I don't know classic movies. I know Citizen Kane and Casablanca, and movies like that. But I don't know the ones that people reference on a daily basis. I have a friend who references The Godfather and Scarface all the time. I have no idea of what he's talking about. Others quote Pulp Fiction. Hadn't seen it. On the other hand, I've seen:

-Roadhouse at least 10 times.

-Guns x6

-Enemy Gold x4

-The Dallas Connection x3

-Picasso Trigger x3

-Boxing Helena x6

-American Ninja Parts 1-4 x4 or 5

So, I watch a lot of movies, just not the good ones. With any kind of art, other than music, I prefer the shittiest each genre has to offer. I love great movies and TV shows as well. But I get bored when something is just okay or pretty good. So, if it's not great, it better be awful.

On this flight, I decided to watch all the greats. Then I would be able to have conversations with people. I started with Pulp Fiction. Wow, what a great movie. I can't believe I hadn't seen it for 10 years. It's ridiculous. I saw Inglorious Basterds before I saw Pulp Fiction. There's no excuse for that.

Others that I wanted to see include: The Godfather Trilogy, Chinatown, Taxi Driver, The Pianist and A Beautiful Mind.

Those all seemed a little heavy for after Pulp Fiction, so I decided to watch something that had won a lot of awards, but was light. I chose Sideways. It was a really entertaining movie. Not great, but good enough for me to enjoy it. However, there was one big problem. At the beginning of the movie, a message came up that said the film had been modified to fit the screen, et cetera. The same message came up for Pulp Fiction, but none of the dialogue was changed, and there was a scene that would have been really uncomfortable to watch if a kid was sitting next to me. I wasn't bothered by the message.

During the first scene, Paul Giamatti (Giamatti from now on) said, "Oh, fiddlesticks." I thought, "Hmm, that's odd. Maybe he's being ironic. Or, the character is a teacher. Maybe he's really like that." Eventually, I discovered that wasn't the case, and I was watching a TV edit with terrible dubs. There was actually white noise in the background when there was a dub. I still muscled through and watched the whole movie, changing the dialogue in my head. Here is some sample dialogue, followed by what I assume was the original dialogue.

Thomas Hayden Church (Wings from now on) and Giamatti were sitting in a diner when Wings said, "I'm gonna get you loved on this trip. Shut the flip up. I'm gonna get you loved." That's when I knew it was a TV edit. The original dialogue was obviously, "I'm gonna get you lovin' this cock. Shut the flip top. I'm gonna get inside you." No dude on dude rape threats on flights. Kids are on flights.

After Wings had sex with a woman, he told Giamatti about the experience. Wings: "This girl talks different. She talks like an animal." Clearly that was originally, "This girl talks different. She talks like a deaf person." Not an animal. We can't say "deaf person" when kids are watching.

I forgot who said the line, but I think Wings said it to Giamatti: "Your father was a flobbin' tuna fish." The original line had to be cut, it was so perverted. It was originally, "My father was a flobbin' tuna fish."

The best edit was when Wings said to the guy who played the comic book creator in that other movie, "Don't you want to feel that crazy little fox sniffing around your gravy pipe?" This one, I can't even tell if it was an edit. That was horrible grammar. Anyway, it sounds as vulgar as anything can sound. I'm guessing the original was something like, "Hey, I tried this thing where I put cornbread on my ass and have the deaf-sounding girl put gravy on it. My father would never do that. He was a flobbin' tuna fish. Dude, either way, I'm gonna get inside you and you're gonna love this cock." But you can't say that on a plane.

I haven't seen the original version of Sideways, but I think I did a pretty good job of guessing the dialogue.

Another good edit was Snakes on a Plane. Sam Jackson's famous, "I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane," was changed to "I've had it with these monkey-fightin' snakes on this Monday through Friday plane."

And, relating this to China... In China, the movie title was translated to Mid-Air Snake Emergency, which might be an even better name. Fun fact: Sam Jackson agreed to the movie when he heard the title. He knew it would be a shit fest. Then he was told that they would change to title to something like, Chaos in the Air. Sam responded, "Then I'm out. I didn't sign up for Chaos in the Air. I signed up for Snakes on a Plane."

He Must Have Been Terrified

My roommates and I are looking for a new apartment. Yesterday, we checked out a place that we found on Craigslist. The guy I talked to wasn't going to be there, but he said his roommate would show us around. The guy's name is Sandeep, but he had no accent whatsoever. We arrived at the house and had to wait about 15 minutes for his roommate. When he arrived, he spoke very little English. He led us in and we walked around the bedrooms, tested the water pressure in the bathroom, asked questions about the closets, etc... As we were leaving, the guy asked in a heavy Indian accent, "And what was the purpose of this visit?" I guess he didn't communicate with Sandeep, because the guy didn't know why we were there. He thought we were just some people who followed him inside, walked around his apartment for a while, turned on the water, and left.

Good Ham

I had some ham in the refrigerator. It had been there for a while, and I wasn't sure if it was still good. I smelled it. It smelled okay, I guess. But I don't know what ham is supposed to smell like. When you know it's fresh, you eat it. You don't smell it. I've never smelled fresh ham and said, "Oh, that's good ham."

China Part 3: The Prequel

This isn't an official story. I've been really busy over the past three days. I'll write one that's entertaining tonight. For now, something that will just make you go, "Okay, that's kind of cool, I guess. Not sure if it's blog-worthy, but whatever. I'll go to Failblog now, because their updates are actually funny."

After my first Shanghai show, a guy approached me who had seen me do a show at Rififi in NYC a couple years ago.

"Okay, that's pretty cool."

The day I got back from China, I was leaving my friend's place in Elizabeth, NJ, when I was stopped by someone who said, "Great show in Beijing on Saturday."

"Okay, that's pretty cool too, I guess. Maybe. Cool for you, but not cool for the reader. Where's the rest of the entry? Oh, it doesn't exist."