Updates...

I've been pretty inactive on the blog and in doing stand-up over the past few months. While I've been relatively absent from those things, I've been very active working on other things. You'd be surprised at how good you can get at darts in only four months. Just kidding. Here's what has been going down:

-We finished shooting the Crucial Element series. We're in post-production now. The series is seven episodes. Episode 5 will be finished tonight. The entire series will be cut by Jan 1. Then we just have to adjust audio and do minor things to it. The target date for everything being completed is Feb 1. Then the series will be ready for whatever. We hope to pitch it to anyone who will listen/watch. It's really funny, and I think that anyone sharing a similar sense of humor will agree. Not only that, but the series' total runtime will be about 90 minutes. It also has the story arc of a film. I think that will make it even more interesting to people. It's essentially a film broken into seven chapters for people who have short attention spans. So, hopefully, we can get some sort of web deal for that.

- I've been writing essentially non-stop for several months now. Screenwriting is what I always wanted to do for years before I started stand-up. The reason I did stand-up, is because I wrote a full series when I was 21, and had some leftover ideas. I tried those ideas as stand-up and they worked.

Here's where I am now:

In the past few months, in addition to Crucial Element...

-I completed writing a pilot for a sit-com that I had been working on for about 7 years, writing and re-writing. I finally figured it out. The form and humor is very original and everyone I've sent it to has given great feedback. I'm just waiting for the CE final product, so I can pitch them together.

- I finished writing two short films. I like them both (one more than the othere) and want to shoot both of them. However, one necessitates guns and a large explosion. So, that one is on the back burner for now. The other short film is easily shootable right now. We'll probably shoot it in the Spring, since that's when it takes place.

-We have a short project that we plan on doing soon. I can't give out many details, but it's a quick thing that will have roughly six episodes. As soon as we finish CE, we'll get on this. The turnaround time will be very short.

-About 30 minutes ago, I finished writing my first feature length screenplay. Over the past nine years, I've started probably a dozen, but I abandoned all of them, because I didn't have the necessary perspective to write what I wanted to write. I've written probably around 40-50 teleplays, which are 25-40 pages each. But it's not the same as writing a screenplay. A comedy teleplay doesn't have to have the dramatic depth of a screenplay, so it's infinitely easier. My goal has never been to write a comedy with a story that works, but to write a good drama that is funny.

Three and a half years ago, I started script development on an idea with a company that handles development for a major studio. We weren't on the same page. They wanted something that I thought was formulaic. I wanted something that I wasn't able to write at the time. So, we stopped working together. After getting an idea for adjusting the story recently, I opened the script back up and went to work. I ended up completely changing it so that there are no resemblances to the original story whatsoever. The only thing that relates the two ideas is that one was a bridge to the other. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's like in stand-up, when you try to do something outside your established "style," you might suck at it for a while, but you have to do it and suck in order to figure out how to make it work. That's what I did with this, and I think I have finally written a good drama that is funny. Now, do you happen to have about $80,000 so I can shoot it?

Jim Morrison

I can't think of anyone who is or was nearly as cool as Jim Morrison. Maybe Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson, but no one else comes close, that I can think of. The Doors are one of my favorite bands. Jim Morrison is one of my favorite singers and lyricists. But every now and then, between all of his genius, he would say something either completely bizarre or funny. Regardless of what was said, or how he said it, the same result was achieved: Women screamed and men nodded in the affirmative.

"You're all a bunch of fuckin' idiots."

He said this during an open part of a song at a live show. If anyone else had said it, people would have been at least slightly offended. But what happened when Jim said it? Women screamed and men nodded.

"Adolph Hitler is alive. I slept with her last night."

This is actually a poem of his called Adolph Hitler. It's on the box-set. Play it for anyone and their reaction is guaranteed to be a brief pause, followed by, "Hold on, what?"

"Who cares? We just did the Ed Sullivan show."

This is my favorite. The Doors were on the Ed Sullivan show, where they played Light My Fire. The producers told Jim he couldn't say "Girl we couldn't get much higher." He agreed to change the line. But the show was live and he sang the line anyway. After the performance, Ed Sullivan walked over and said, "You will never be on this show again." Jim responded, "Who cares? We just did the Ed Sullivan show."

"I don't know how many of you believe in astrology..."

"I do!" yelled a female audience member.

"I think it's a bunch of bullshit."

"Me too!" yelled the same female audience member.

This is the perfect example of rock-stars having mind control over people.

"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

Considering some of his decisions, he must have had some really bad haircuts.

"I don't remember my birth. It must have happened during one of my blackouts."

Genius.

You Two Should Link Up

If you haven't read my synopsis of Jersey Shore, scroll down and read that first. There you go, scrolling and what-not. Nice job.

I grew up down the street from my friend Adrian. He's a cool guy. Fun to hang out with. And he is/was, we'll say, quirky. A few facts:

Several of us would play spades a couple times a week. Adrian's team would lose every single time. His team never won in about four years. But he never caught on. Everyone else knew. But he just thought he was having bad luck.

He tattered his t-shirt sleeves to look like The Ultimate Warrior. He would also ask at least once per week if we thought The Ultimate Warrior would be coming back soon. His question was met with blank stares every time.

He went to college with Quincy, my roommate and CE brethren. Their dorms had a front door and a back door. Every day for three years, Adrian would cut through Quincy's room to get to his room. No explanation.

Our favorite thing about him is his conversations. He starts every conversation with, "Like I was saying...," even if he hadn't been saying anything. One time, during college, I was hanging out at my friend Jay's house. Adrian walked in. I hadn't seen him in three years. As soon as he stepped in the door, he said, "Ryan, like I was saying, I told you about the Lakers. I don't know why you were doubting them."

"I wasn't doubting them. I don't... What are you talking about?"

"Jay, like I was saying, why are you scared to play me in Madden?"

He was as bad at Madden as he was at spades.

And his other conversation habit, which is the subject of this blog entry, was his tendency to try to get people to hang out together based on a random commonality. This is how a typical conversation would go. Adrian would start, "I just had a study group."

"Cool. What class?"

"Econ. There's this guy, Paul, in my group. He wears glasses like yours. You two should link up. You both wear glasses"

He was always looking for that link. It could be the smallest thing for two people to have in common, and he would suggest that you "link up." "You two both have noses. You should link up."

This past weekend, I was in my friend Craig's wedding. It was a good wedding and all that. But there were two peripheral characters who were killing me. I would like to see them with their own shows on The Situation Network (Read the Jersey Shore entry). It was a Catholic wedding. I told someone that and he said, "Isn't Craig black?" Yeah. "I've never heard of a black person having a Catholic wedding." Me either. His wife is Catholic, and white. Good point, someone.

The priest who officiated the wedding wasn't available for the rehearsal, so he had his buddy, Father Ralph, fill in. Father Ralph was gay. Not gay like a lot of other Catholic priests who barely set off a good gaydar. Father Ralph wasn't hiding anything. He was Perez Hilton gay, pushing Margaret Cho fan gay. He was as flamboyant as can be. It was spectacular. He was performing the whole time, "Now ladies, you're going to walk down the aisle like this," he said as he demonstrated a cat-walk strut, with arms shifting from side-to-side. "Just kidding," he interrupted himself with a giggle, "just walk normal and cute!" And the best line, "Now we have more groomsmen than brides-maids, so the last two ladies are going to get two guys each." Then he perked up, "Two guys each! LUCKY!!!!" Although I felt bad for him for having to suppress his identity because of the church (the church would say he's not gay, but someone who was raised by his mother), this sentence was the highlight of my weekend.

After the wedding, the photography began on the altar of the church. The photographer was Japanese. Craig is black, and all the groomsmen other than myself are black. I think the photographer wasn't used to photographing two things: Churches and black people. He was clueless to the whole reverence thing that is usually observed on church altars. And I think he got his impression of black culture from the one that was portrayed on TV during the 80s and 90s by white people.

While taking pictures of the girls, once again, on the altar, he said, "Okay, girls. Let's get sexy! Come on, show me sexy." It was awesome. Come on girls, show the crucifix a little more leg. Hike up that dress for the Lord.

While shooting the groomsmen with the bride, he had us do a straight-forward shot. Then he said, "Okay, now turn away from her." We thought that was odd. "Now, fold your arms and look away." We did it, but we weren't sure why. And we were sure it was a bad omen for future pictures.

The next sequence of photos would be one groomsman with Craig. We did a straight-forward shot, then a pose dictated by the photographer. First up: Jay. Jay looks just like Warren Sapp. It's irrelevant, but I like throwing it out there. They did their standard pose, facing the camera and smiling. Then they got instructions: "Turn away from each other and fold your arms. Look tough." At this point, I was standing next to Craig's brother Alan, who is an actual rocket scientist who creates synthetics to make spacecraft out of. Alan, disturbed, mumbled, "Are we in Run-DMC? What is... I'm... he better not ask me to do that." This is where the photographer's image of black people being constructed by 80s TV comes into play. He had this Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo image in his head, but the breakdown actually was: a rocket scientist, three programmers, an FBI lawyer, a small-business owner, and me. Craig has even been known to wear Cosby sweaters. When we saw the Run-DMC pose, we all decided we would preempt the photographer and tell him the pose should be a handshake. After a couple handshakes, Craig's other brother, Clay, was up. I guess he forgot about the planned preemptive strike, aka The Bush Doctrine. They did the standard picture. Then the photographer said, "You're brothers, right?" Yeah. "Okay, can you kiss or hug each other?" WHOOOOOAAAAA. Did not see that coming. Alan and I thought he actually asked them to "Kiss or rub each other." I'm not sure which is worse. Probably the rub. Craig and Clay politely declined to kiss and caress each other on the altar of brotherhood. And all I could think was "This guy and Father Ralph should link up."

MTV has done it again

MTV has generally sucked for the past 13 years. But every now and then, they do something that is incredible. Scared Straight, 16 and Pregnant, and now Jersey Shore. I first saw an ad for the show a few months ago and thought it could be good. There was a line about fist-pumping, which gave me hope. Then MTV bills the show as featuring "the hottest, tannest Guidos in Jersey," or something like that. How can you not watch that? Even the Italian-American Association of NJ tried to get MTV to not air the show, which proves it's more of an expose than a reality show.

I've lived in NJ for three years now. The people on Jersey Shore are about 0.04% of the population, but that's all it takes. I used to go to a gym with these people. They take steroids and blow-dry their bodies in the locker room. I went to a certain beach in NJ that was full of them. I can testify that this show is real. It's not an MTV creation by any means. But just to be clear, only one member of the show is actually from NJ. Most are from Staten Island, but they all think the Jersey Shore is heaven on Earth. And that's how you know they're morons from the outset.

Now, onto the show...

Background:

Eight Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) live in a beach house for a summer. They work at a novelty t-shirt stand during the day, selling shirts that say things like, "Where's the G-Spot?" One girl pitched a shirt to a customer by yelling, "Hey, you like crosses?" That's what we're dealing with. I think The Real World is pathetic at this point. It's just young morons who want to be on TV. They're too young and dumb to realize what they're doing. Not the case on Jersey Shore. They are dumb, but they are anything but young. Some are around 30 years old, which makes it much more adorably pathetic.

Characters:

Angelina - I hate her so much. She's by far the worst person on the show. She constantly talks about how hot she is and how every other girl is a whore who doesn't respect herself. She is a blocker-extraordinaire. There really isn't much to her, except that she refuses to do any work at the t-shirt store because, as she said, "I'm better than this. I'm a bartender. I do great things."

Jenni aka J-WOWW - This train wreck introduces herself as J-WOWW. It's remarkable. She's also absolutely hideous. She accentuates her hideousness with breast implants, weird hair-dye and very slutty clothing. In two episodes which spanned three days, she cheated on her boyfriend twice. But if you asked her if she cheated, she would say no, because there was no penetration. I'm making none of this up.

Best J-WOWW quote: "Your penis is pierced. I like it. I saw your penis."

Mike aka The Situation - The Situation should get his own network. I could watch this guy live 24/7. My friend, Al, and I used to watch Big Brother After Dark on Showtime. After Dark didn't mean risque. It just meant it was late at night and the cameras were still on. There was no editing. We would just watch to see how long it would take until someone did something. One time, we watched for a half-hour and the only thing that happened was someone made a sandwich and cut their nails. I could watch The Situation make a sandwich and enjoy it. He refers to himself as The Situation. He says things like, "Ladies love The Situation. The Situation is good. And when you find yourself situated in The Situation, it will be a good situation." The best part of The Situation is that he looks like he has to be 40. If he's not, then I'm going to guess tanning beds aren't good for your skin. This guy is an entertainment powerhouse. That's all I can say.

Best The Situation quotes:

The first thing he said to a girl: "Hey girl, what's ya nickname?" As if everyone has a nickname. Of course, the girl did have a nickname. She was a Guidette.

To a random girl he greeted on the street with a kiss on the cheek, "Girl, you lookin' hot. Where you been at?"

Nicole aka Snooki - If J-WOWW is a trainwreck, Snooki is the aftermath of Hiroshima. She is easily the dumbest person to ever be on TV. She couldn't figure out how to use a phone. She hung up on someone five times on accident. The phone was shaped like a duck. Her excuse for hanging up on people, "Who buys a duck to use as a phone?" She's an attention and general whore. On the first night, she wanted people to focus on her, so she got into the hot-tub with the male roommates and tried to give them lap dances, while wearing her bra and thong. She did not have the body for these shenanigans. It looked like she was wearing a backpack. Snooki showed up about 30 minutes late to work on her first day. Her excuse: "I was in the bathroom."

After she said about two sentences, I couldn't prevent myself from saying, "That's the type of girl you donkey punch."

I asked my roommate what ethnicity Snooki is. He said, "Tanning bed." He was right.

In episode 3, which airs tonight, Snooki gets punched square in the face. Check your local listings.

Best Snooki quote:

Guy on phone: "Are you going to hang up on me again?"

Snooki: "No."

Snooki promptly sat the phone down, hanging it up on accident for the fifth time.

DJ PAULY D - This dude is very dumb and a huuuuge douche. He has orange skin, from the tanning bed in his house. He spikes his hair in the douchiest way I've ever seen hair spiked. And he's the top DJ in Rhode Island, which confuses me because he's the only thing I don't like about Rhode Island. He's the guy with the pierced penis. But, "Shh... don't tell nobody. They don't know about it." Oops. You signed the waiver, jackass. For the most part, Pauly was a background douche. Not very proactive with his douchiness. Except... they were at a bar and he punched a guy in the nose. Why, "The dude was looking at The Situation, and it was a situation that you don't put my boy in, so I blauuuwww, punched him in the face." I've never been in an adult fight. The closest has been shoving in soccer and basketball games. But somehow these people get into fights every night. I don't know what I'm doing right and they're doing wrong, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Punches hurt.

Best Pauly quote: "It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose."

Ronnie - Although he says he's The Bronx's Finest, for the sake of The Bronx, I hope he's wrong. This dude is enormous and refuses to wear shirts. People need to see his muscled-up physique and actual-size crucifix tattoo. He doesn't really contribute much except general stupidity. He just sits there and looks dumb. He looks like a henchman from a movie. No make-up needed. Just put a shirt on him and roll cameras.

Best Ronnie quote: N/A

Sammi aka "Sweetheart" - Although Sweetheart is her nickname, occasionally she says things like, "That's why they call me Sammi Sweetheart." She goes by both names. She is easily the biggest slut in the house. She made out with two guys in the house in about 10 minutes, then inexplicably turned on The Situation like when Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Janetty through the barber shop window. I was stuck there, asking, "Where did that come from?" This is the type of person who you want to be miserable, but you know she's too stupid to ever be miserable.

Best Sammi Sweetheart quote: "Yeah, I hooked up with you and Ronnie. So? Ronnie's hot."

Vinny - I don't have a bad word to say about Vinny. He's okay in my book. I chalk him being on the show up to him just turning 21. He's not dumb, and has self-respect. The only knocks on him are: sunglasses at night, and according to my friend, Erin, his mother cuts his meat for him.

Best Vinny Quote: Three girls came over. The Situation asked if they wanted to get in the hot tub. They responded that they didn't have swimsuits. Vinny to the rescue: "Oh, that's perfect. That's great. It's actually better that way."