OMG, Funny Stuff on the Blog, LOL, Power Rankings, LMAO

After typing the title of this blog, I realized the Power Rankings should be for most annoying chat acronyms. Oh well. Another day. But seriously, if you type "LOL," stop it. You aren't actually laughing out loud. We know you aren't, except for my friend Jay, who I've seen laugh out loud after reading a text. He can type LOL any time he wants. No one else.

The actual subject is terrible products in extended commercials and infomercials. So, it's either from an infomercial, or one of those commercials where about a minute and a half in, you think, "This is a long-ass commercial for electric socks. How can they afford this?" All of these products are completely useless, a scam, or there's a very common product that can replace them.

9. That guy who sells CDs on how to use Ebay.

This guy looks like an uncle who would show up every other Thanksgiving and talk to everyone about his recent "opportunities." He also probably brags about his marinade that "makes the juiciest pork tenderloin you'll ever eat."

Here's the scam: Buy my CD about how to use Ebay. So, you buy a CD. The CD instructs you to got to ebay.com. Once there, just click around. Now you're using EBay. It's ludicrous. He may as well be selling a CD that teaches people how to own a CD.

8. The 5- Hangers Thing or any other clothing space saver

This is the stupid product which prompted this Power Rankings. It's a thing which holds five hangers, which can then be cascaded vertically, saving you tons of closet space, according to the commercial. But I'm not sure how accurate the commercial is, because the closet in the commercial has about 20 bubble jackets in it. How about if you get rid of 19 of your bubble jackets? That's a free solution. You could even put them on EBay and make money off the jackets. But, how do you use Ebay? As a general rule, the best space saver is getting rid of shit. "But I need 14 yellow sweaters." The world doesn't need 14 yellow sweaters. I hope you like being lonely.

This might be the angriest Power Rankings yet.

7. Flavor Wave Turbo Oven

Twice, I have considered buying the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven. The first time was because Mr. T is the spokesperson, and the guy can sell. The second time was because I thought, "Hold on, I can cook that meal in 20 minutes?" Then I remembered that I already have an oven which could do the same in 30 minutes.

6. Mega Memory

This is a scam by a guy named Kevin Trudeau. Well, I remembered his name, so I guess it worked to some extent. Mega Memory is the only one on the list that I actually fell for and bought. And let me tell you, it's bullshit. The only thing it succeeds at is helping you remember, word-for-word, a stupid story that the program recites about 100 times. Then they say, "See, you have perfect memory recall now." No, you just told me the same shit 100 times.

Why did I buy Mega Memory and Mega Memory Advanced, you might ask? I was a sophomore in college and came up with a plan (the plan will not disclosed here, although I will state it did not involve a coup), which necessitated me memorizing the entire Constitution. The plan was stupid and it failed.

The essence of Mega Memory is "Hey, if you aren't completely stupid, you can remember something if someone says it to you over and over all day." No shit. Here's $80, Kevin Trudeau.

5. Flowbee

This one is patently absurd. I think their patent actually states that. Flowbee, U.S. (Absurd) Patent 3045987. It's a hair clipper that hooks up to your vacuum cleaner, thereby sucking your hair and cutting it. The only positive is there's no clean-up involved.

Now, I understand people trying to save money on haircuts. I have a few friends who cut their own hair. But they shave it. Perfectly understandable. But when I was a kid, if my parents wanted to cut my hair, and the choices were to let my mom go at it with scissors and no experience, or a fucking vacuum cleaner, I'm going with my mom every time. The thing about vacuum cleaners is they don't have eyes. They just suck and cut. Everything will be the same length, unless the vacuum cleaner is weak and only sucks certain strands, in which case you will look homeless and crazy. I have a really weird shaped head. There's a crest along the top from where my brain is so huge, it's looking for more space to accommodate it. I look like an alien when my head is shaved. But I'd shave my head before letting a Dirt Devil cut it.

4. Flirty Girl Fitness

Flirty Girl Fitness is a staple of MTV's four minute commercial breaks. It's a fitness program for girls who just wanna grind on something. That's all it is. They show girls, who are clearly on a legit work-out program, grinding on chairs, poles, whatever can be ground. And they're like, "This is all you have to do to be a hot-bodied Flirty Girl." How about if you just go for a jog for like 2 minutes. That would be more of a workout than six hours of chair grinding. Here's the slogan for my counter workout program: "Just go for a 10 minute run four or five times per week, and you'll be grinding animate objects in no time! Be the slut of your dreams!"

3. Girls Gone Wild

I will never understand the appeal of this series. Ron Francis has Jerry Seinfeld money just for going up to young sluts and saying, "Hey honey, show me them titties." He probably makes as much money as Howard Stern, sees about the same number of naked women at work, but doesn't have to have talent like Howard, or wake up at 3am. That's his basic career objective: "I want to be Howard Stern, except I don't want to be talented or have responsibilities. Basically, I'm trying to see some titties and get money." Notice that's Ron Francis saying "titties" over and over, not me.

It all boils down to this: Girls Gone Wild came out while the Internet was already thriving. The Internet is overflowing with actual porn that is free. So, it was already obsolete when it was introduced, but it's still making tons of money. It has to be the most well-marketed shitty product of the past 20 years. More-so than Tech-Vests? Yes.

2. Gold

Gold? Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, the price of gold is steady. But the commercials for gold are huge scams. It's usually right-wing mouthpieces who are in the commercials, speaking as if they're an unbiased commenter, while they have huge financial stakes in the company. "Hey, Darlene, Glenn Beck said we should trade our everything for gold... Yeah, we should do it. Has Glenn lied in the past?" Never trust a Glenn who has two N's in his name. If anyone ever tells you to invest in something because it's fool-proof and you'll make a ton of money, the only person who will be making money is the person trying to sell you on the idea.

The way it's a scam is, they hike their sale price to well over the market price for gold, which gives them an enormous commission. And you've paid an amount for your gold that you'll never be able to sell it for. Huge scam. If you're watching a show and a gold commercial comes on, turn it immediately. When a gold commercial airs, it means that the gold company thought, "Idiots will be watching this show." And you aren't an idiot, are you? Of course not.

1. Anything selling a book on how to make money

These are my favorites. You have to be half a 'tard to buy a book on how to make money with no effort. All of these books should be one sentence: "Write a book on how to get rich with no effort."