You Can Get an Olympic Medal for This Shit? Power Rankings

The Preamble

After a long layoff, it's time for another ranking in terms of POWER. So, if I rank something that you like low, it doesn't mean it sucks. It only means it lacks POWER.

This will be a ranking of the worst Olympic events, all of which I can't believe are in the Olympics. Originally, this was going to be exclusive to the Winter Olympics. Then I discovered the Winter Olympics has eight events and four of them suck. You need more than four things for a Power Rankings. Everyone knows that. When reading this, don't think, "Oh, but _____ is a neat event. It's cool that it's in the Olympics because it's so different." If you only desire to see something once every four years, no one deserves a medal for doing it. You're trying to disagree with me, but you can't. Cricket isn't in the Olympics. Neither is lacrosse or football (only a few countries play it), and golf is finally being reinstated in 2012. All of these things are more medal-deserving.

I'm biased towards the Summer Olympics. Partially because they have more than 10 events and don't generally suck. But also because they provide underdogs to root for. The medal standings for the Winter Olympics are essentially a ranking of the world's richest countries in descending order. In the summer, you can root for Kenya, Jamaica and Croatia. In the winter? Oh, I hope Sweden can bring home a few more medals to complement its idyllic lifestyle and weird IKEA chairs. Who cares...

The following terms will be used in the rankings: Sport, Event, Game, Activity.

Definitions...

Sport - A head-to-head athletic contest in which there is a quantifiable result. Examples: Basketball, tennis, boxing.

Event - An athletic event where your performance isn't impacted by your competitors (in other words, you can practice by yourself), but has the same athletic repute as a sport. Examples: Track and field, gymnastics, swimming, skiing.

Game - Can be head-to-head, but is non-athletic, although the skill requirement might be as high as any sport. Examples: Golf, billiards

Activity - Something that doesn't meet any of the above requirements. Examples: Cheerleading, Math Olympics, Cub Scouts, collecting spy memorabilia.

THE RANKINGS!!! Go!!!!

11. Super G

This really shouldn't be on the list because it's an awesome event. I just wanted to give it a mention because it has the best name of all Olympic events. It also sounds like it could be the title of a Blaxploitation movie written by a 50-year-old white banker.

10. Skeleton

This event is idiotic. It's a headfirst luge. Golf hasn't been in the Olympics in 70 or 80 years, and this is? There are probably fewer than 500 people in the world who would do this. I think all skeleton competitors are on suicide watch. People call suicide helplines and every now and then the Olympic committee answers and says, "What are doing in February?" People who do this shouldn't be given medals. They should be given hugs.

9. Biathlon

Seinfeld has a great joke about this. You ski and shoot a gun. Arbitrary. Seinfeld said, "What's next? Swim 50 meters, then strangle a guy?" If they took the shooting out of the equation, and it was just cross-country skiing, fine. That's legit. But when you mix events with activities, you get complicated activities. How about cross-country skiing, then downhill or slalom? Oh, you're too tired from all the cross-country skiing to let gravity drag you down a hill. Look at the Summer Olympics guys. Decathlons and shit. Come on. Oh, you have a gun? I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. No, I've always thought you were a nice guy. Put the gun down.

8. Archery

This a high-skill event. I'll actually call it an event, instead of a game. Militaries used to be based on this skill. I'm guessing that hitting a target from a long distance is just as hard as hitting a home run or a perfect tee-shot. But at the same time, how many archers are there in the world? The Olympic trials are probably held at people's houses. "This year, we have Freddy, Steve and Bill... What's that? Oh, I guess Bill isn't doing it. He's just hanging out. Looks like Great Britain is down to two archers. You guys wanna be in the Olympics?" Also, you can be 500 pounds and still arch (it's a verb now). You can't be a 500 pound Olympian.

7. Badminton

Nothing that I used to play with my grandma while wearing a blouse and slacks should be in the Olympics. Her, not me. She wore the blouse and slacks. I'm more of a tube-top/skirt guy.

I've seen Olympic badminton. They're definitely better than my grandma was. Still. You're hitting something that is designed create drag so it doesn't go too fast. You're telling me the skeleton guys are putting their lives on the line, and you're gonna put a governor on your birdie/shuttlecock (either embarrasing term will do)? It's basically slow tennis with teams. Rubbish.

6. Table Tennis

Don't expect me to disrespect table tennis. It's my favorite GAME. But where do games belong? In the basement, not the Olympics.

I'll be honest. It was hard for me to include this. There are more Asians than white people in my immediate family. So I play a mean game of table tennis. Seriously, I would crush you in table tennis. No contest. Guaranteed. That said, every time I've played table tennis, it has been in a basement, not a gym. They may as well put foosball in the Olympics.

5. Equestrian

Who gets the medal? The horse or the jockey? If it's the horse, fine. It's legit. If it's the jockey, bullshit. For the horse, it's an event. For the jockey, it's a game at best. At worst, it's a means for transportation. Anything where a requirement for the "athlete" is to not get taller than five feet should be excluded from the Olympics. Unless the Olympics brings back midget wrestling.

4. Shooting

Are you fucking serious, Olympic Committee? You're giving medals for shooting a gun? That's an athletic event? No, it's an activity. The fact that we never see Southerners in this competition does make me worry less about the Tea Party Movement. They may have guns, but apparently the Swiss are better at shooting them. Whose side would the Swiss take? The side that wants universal health care or the side that demonizes the president by saying he wants to turn the country into Switzerland.

3. Tug of War (1900-1920)

It's no longer in the Olympics, but it was for six Olympiads. The only reason this isn't number one it because it does require some physical conditioning. However, anything that is regularly upstaged by the three-legged race at elementary school field days doesn't deserve a spot at the Olympics.

2. Ice Dancing

If abortion is half as bad as ice dancing, then I understand what the whole Right to Life campaign is about. This is absolutely pathetic. My girlfriend and I have seen a combined two hours of this garbage. The only thing she's getting from it is the fact that it's the Olympics. All I'm getting out of it is laughs at their stupid costumes and the hope that someone is gonna do the Harlem Shake. A Russian team did a dance while pretending to be Aborigines. I'm pretty sure it was really offensive.

How did it get in the Olympics? Dancing isn't in. Do you just add ice and you're in the Olympics? If so, someone should create Ice Masturbating just to see what the Olympic Committee does with it.

Who gets involved in ice dancing? They like ice skates, but don't want to deal with the athleticism involved in figure skating. I think the mentality is, "I want to dance, but I also want to pay a skate rental fee."

1. Curling

Curling is absurd. You slide a granite thing across ice. Then people brush the ice in front of it. Obviously, this isn't a sport or event. I wouldn't even call it a game or activity. It ranks below activities, along with watching American Idol and making your bed every day, in a category I like to call "Waste of Time."

It's the only "event" in which age and physical conditioning are completely irrelevant. Four years ago, a woman who was really pregnant did it. Half the people I've seen this year would have a chance at getting on The Biggest Loser. And most seem to be in the 30-45 age range, suggesting not that it's a game where you peak late, but one that people take up when they've given up at all other aspects of life. If I'm 50-years-old, bored and decide that I want to be in the Olympics, I'll start curling. Without curling, no one over the age of 40 could have Olympic dreams.

The end.