Beef and Pudding

Two weeks ago, I did shows at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. They were great, as always at Helium. This past weekend, I did shows in Baltimore. They were like shows in Baltimore. You can't predict anything about Baltimore crowds and there's no consistent demographic. They're like a Chinese buffet. Rice. Okay. Chicken and broccoli. Great. Pudding? What the fuck are you doing here? Oh, beef and some type of sauce that's only described by its color, not its contents (MLK wouldn't be proud of that). That's about right. Pineapples and soft serve? Seriously? Well, someone here isn't going to like me. You can't please pudding and beef with brown sauce at the same time.

Prior to the last show, a group of people approached the headliner because they thought he was the bartender. He was at least 20 feet from any alcohol. I'm not sure how the logic department works in this group's collective head. 'He's standing in the back of the room, talking to three other people. He must be the bartender!'

The last show ended. The emcee, headliner, and I were hanging out in the back of the room. All was well. It was the typical deal where some people tell you they liked you, while others walk past. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until... a woman, a beast, she was about 6'1", 260lbs in a skin-tight leopard print dress, which if real, must have taken an entire pride of leopards to make, approached us. Picture Warren Sapp in a skin-tight leopard dress. "You were funny," she said to the headliner. He was funny.

"You were NOT funny," she said to me. I was a little surprised, and kind of smiled while mumbling, "I disagree."

Then she turned to Eli with, "I didn't see you."

Then she turned back to me and this elephant in leopard's clothing emphatically stated, as if she was chastising her child, "Seriously, that shit was not fuckin' funny." After she finished grunting those words out, she held her elephant stare on me, with her finger still extended like she was casting a spell. Her hand slowly lowered and she turned sharply, like it was a scene from a cheesy high school video project. Then the headliner said, "Fuck her. Classless. She won't be saying that when she pays $30 to see you at a theater in a few years." I had to correct him. She will never pay a dime to see me. Maybe her friends will, but she will never pay to see me again. Because she hates me and elephants never forget.

Did I mention how proud I am of the "elephant in leopard's clothing" line?

You would not believe what I just endured for this post. I did a Google image search for "fat girl leopard dress," to put a picture in this post. I didn't see what I was looking for, so I kept going through the pages, until on page 8 I found something I REALLY didn't want to see. The worst thing in the world. The Tranny-Surprise. It was a picture of a naked "woman" jerking off. It's bad enough if you're looking at porn and there's a tranny surprise, but I was looking for a picture of a dress. This goes far beyond pudding at the Chinese buffet. Seriously, my world tumbled around me. I was listening to Jean Genie, really enjoying it, and all of a sudden it sounded like someone moved the needle on the record, only I'm listening on iTunes. And I'm not making this up... I quickly shifted my eyes from the image of the woman jerking off to the table in front of me where a DVD copy of The Jerk was sitting right in front of me, reminding me of what I just saw. I immediately got up and drank some Listerine. This is how people get addicted to meth. Everyone, it is your civic duty to check in with me every few hours to make sure I'm not using.

I just realized I have a hole in my left sock. Bullshit.