If I Knew Then What I Know Now

As Jim pointed out in the comments of my last blog, the admission that I could do long-division in my head before I started school, but couldn't tie my shoes until I was around eight-years-old, was very revealing. And as he said, "It makes sense." Now here's another one. When I was six, I knew world geography better than I do now. I knew just about every country in the world and their capitals. This because I hung out with my pal, Globe, for about 90 minutes each day. He would ask me things like, "What's the capital of Mozambique," and I would ask him things like, "Why don't girls have wieners?" The capital is Maputo. I know that. However, I don't know the Electric Slide. Everyone knows The Electric Slide. I don't.

From fourth grade through ninth grade, every P.E. class had a dance unit, which included the Electric Slide, Square Dancing, and all that pointless, waste of time garbage. Even as a nine-year-old, who cared about nothing more than making good grades, I refused to participate in the dance unit. Every year, I told the teachers that I didn't want to do it, "because it's pointless." P.E. is for basketball. Not the Foxtrot. As a result, I was given a zero in dancing every year. No worries, though. I could bring that grade up when the kickball unit came around. Use the search feature at the top if you're interested in my kickball exploits. Oh, you aren't. Okay. Fine. Keep reading.

Somehow I avoided dancing my entire life. In high school, whenever homecoming or prom came around, if I had a girlfriend, luckily she didn't want to go to homecoming or prom either. In college, I had to awkwardly reject people from time to time, in order to avoid dancing. Post-college, I have only been to two dance clubs, and both were in other countries, so I could get away with not dancing. "I don't like the way this beat mixes with this longitude." The first was in Spain. That's where I hit rock-bottom. I will not link to that story. You can look it up if you want to know what happened. It still haunts me. The other was in China, where the dancing looks like jogging from the waist down and a seizure from the waist up. I felt no pressure to participate in that.

I hate dancing so much that when I watch Footloose, I root for the father.

All my life, my dance-boycott policy seemed to be vindicated. Until...

Last week, I had an audition for a commercial series. Not one commercial, but a series, by one of the largest companies in North America. The series shoots on the coast of Argentina. I did a great job during the first audition. Two days later, Thursday, I got a callback. It was for that afternoon. I went in confident. The producers, writer and director were there with the casting director this time. The audition had two parts. The first part was acting. I did a great job. Then I was told to "Just dance like crazy." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Who would have thought my elementary school dance boycott would come back to hurt me. Other people forget theorems. I still remember theorems. Couldn't they ask me to recite a theorem. Why is it that the most relevant part of my elementary school education is the dance unit in P.E.? You can forget how to add and no one gives a shit.

Again, "Dance like crazy." He actually mentioned a type of dance. I hadn't heard of it. I told him that. He said, "The steps are similar to the Electric Slide."

I started laughing. "I don't know the Electric Slide."

All the casting people looked giddy, for some reason.

I said, "I'm gonna be honest with you. I have never danced in my life."

"Then this will be perfect."

"No, I don't think you understand. This is going to be horrendous."

They laughed.

I had to start "dancing." No music. Nothing. Just some dudes watching me "dance like crazy." They told me to pretend eight women in bikinis surrounded me, and were trying to touch me, because that's what the commercial would be(Whew, glad I didn't get the commercial). So, I did something that I'm going to call "My Latin Dance," while talking to the invisible girls. All I remember saying is, "You know, some people say I'm a bad dancer. But that's because they don't understand me like you do." The whole concept of this series is being awkward around women. I have been training for this my whole life. Except for this part. I felt like I was Shaq trying out for a basketball team, and all they're asking me to do is shoot free-throws.

They were laughing while I was doing the dance. Then they asked me to do it again without talking, because there might be a voiceover anyway. I jumped back into the Latin Dance. They were laughing. I couldn't not talk. I started a conversation with the casting people.

"This is my Latin Dance."

A producer laughed and said, "I think that's just called walking."

I laughed. "I didn't think you'd call me on that. And I don't appreciate the fact that you did."

We all laughed. And it was over. I blew it. So much money on the line. If only I had participated in the Electric Slide when I was nine, maybe I would be able to get furniture that matches my other furniture, instead of the wood buffet that I now have in my bedroom. Fuck you, dancing. Fuck you right in your Foxtrot face.

FUN FACT!!!!!!! I actually know a couple dances, but nothing appropriate for this venue. My friend, Billy, and I made up a dance in eighth grade called the Kung-Pao Chicken-Mao. If you ask, I will do this for you. I don't care where we are. I will do it. And I will do it well. I can also Moonwalk like it's my job.