POWER RANKINGS AGAIN!!!!!

My friend, comedian Doug Powell, has a great joke: "I hate when I really like a something, then I find out someone I don't like likes it too, then I can't like it anymore. For example, I love The Dave Matthews Band. But then I found out Dave Matthews likes the Dave Matthews Band. And I hate Dave Matthews." This Power Rankings is a complete rip-off of that joke. Actually, think of it as a tribute.

Things I would like more if other people didn't like them... POWER RANKINGS!!!

It's a fear of becoming one of them that keeps me from getting too involved in these things. I can prove that I don't care about the approval of others by pointing out my tendency to wear silver pants in high school, chain mail in the streets of Seville, Spain, and going to bars as a "recent police academy graduate."

I'm scared of getting too involved in the following things out of fear of myself becoming a huge douchebag like a lot of people who are into these things.

12. The Arcade Fire/Dave Matthews Band

These are two awesome bands. Musically, the only knock on either one is that The Arcade Fire's sound is close to being a David Bowie rip-off. Other than that, what? Dave Matthews Band is one of the best collections of musicians of any band ever. As musicians, they are absolutely incredible. They also write some great songs and a lot of good songs. Arcade Fire writes nothing but great songs. But... The "Davers" are one of the most annoying groups of people in the world. They were born with hacky sacks in the corduroy pants pockets. I would stop talking to my own mother if she started referring to them as "Dave," as everyone calls them at all the Ben and Jerry's stores. Which reminds me, Dave Matthews' signature Ben and Jerry's ice cream is my favorite, but I feel like a douche when I eat it.

On the other hand, Arcade Fire fans make fans of This American Life look like Richard Nixon. Illustrations by Joe Mande.

11. Suits

I don't like dressing up. I own about five shirts that have buttons of any kind. My reasoning is three-pronged.

1. I don't like dress-codes. The idea of having to wear a certain thing for an activity is absurd, unless we're talking about shorts for soccer. You wouldn't want to play in chaps.

2. It takes a lot of work to put on a suit.

3. If I was wearing a suit, I feel like I would be expected to "make deals," and call people and before even say hello, I would have to say, "Sell, sell!"

However, I like suits. They're comfortable. No ties. But I like the idea of walking around in a suit for no reason, like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs.

10. NPR

All Things Considered is a good show. This American Life is a good show. But it seems like people who go out of their way to mention NPR have a mono-faceted/HuffingtonPost worldview, which I don't want to be associated with. Also, don't like American Apparel or Marcel Duchamp enough to be a regular NPR listener.

9. Harry Potter movies

This one isn't really true. I have no interest in Harry Potter. I just wanted to take an opportunity to say that Harry Potter is shit. And every time an adult recommends it to me, I brace myself for them to recommend a favorite flavor of Capri Sun as well. That said, this is one of my favorite movies.

8. Bowling

What's more fun than bowling? Other than kick-ball? Very few things. Sure, probably half of all bowlers are what I'd call normal. But whenever I bowl (once every couple years), I feel like I'm hanging out at the Child Support Avoidance Club.

7. Sailing

Is there a douchier activity that sailing? It's douchier than douching itself. Of course I don't have the money to sail, but I love being on boats, and sailing looks awesome. But I don't think I would be allowed at the marina with a boat named "State Sponsored Sodomy."

6. Hats

I love hats. I look weird in hats. That's the problem. This really has nothing to do with being a part of any group, because there really isn't a group of people who wear bowler hats. I would love to wear a bowler. They look badass. Or a top-hat. Are you serious? Who wouldn't wear a top-hat? Now, balding hasn't been an issue in my family, but if I go bald, I'm in trouble. I wouldn't try to hide it, but I have the oddest shaped head. I shaved it once and discovered that the top of my head has a v-shaped peak, from where my brain excess is looking for more skull to occupy. Seriously, it looks freakish. So, we have that on top of the fact that I look really weird in hats.

5. Noam Chomsky

Incredibly smart guy, but in almost every book or essay, he'll make a great point, then follow it up by essentially saying, "And that's how the US Government executes its plan of killing 1 million South Americans each week." His book "Profit Over People" is full of this stuff. The dude is a genius who has lost his mind.

4. Real Madrid

If you aren't a soccer fan, you might not know about Real Madrid. I studied, briefly, in Madrid. While there, I became a fan of the club, after being an AC Milan and Ajax fan all my life. But Real spends so much money on players, they make the Yankees look like a AA team. Last summer alone, I think they spent around $350-400 million on just a few players. How can you support that? Also, they dropped Ruud Van Nistlerooy, who has scored more goals than anyone in Europe over the past decade. Why? Because he's not flashy enough. Hey Real Madrid, flash these nuts. That's all I have.

3. Co-ops

What's better than buying your produce from local farmers, contributing to the community and saving a few bucks? Other than kickball. Co-ops are great, but I don't feel like I should have to brush up on my knowledge of The Animal Collective before I go out to buy some broccoli.

2. Velcro Shoes

I might be the only person in the world, who in an ideal setting would be wearing a suit without a tie, a bowler hat, and Velcro shoes. I hate tying my shoes. Sometimes I double-knot, so I don't have to tie them every five minutes. But then it takes me five minutes to untie the double-knot. In the battle against shoelaces, I can't win. We've always been at war. True story: I could do long-division in my head when I was four. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was seven or eight. It was always Velcro, or "Hey, could you tie my shoes for me?"

I would get Velcro shoes now, but I don't want to lose the benefit of the doubt from strangers that I'm not retarded.

1. Marijuana

I've met one person in my life who has smoked it and didn't like it. I think half the world would be potheads if potheads didn't already exist, reminding everyone how annoying potheads are.

Conversely, here are things people would love if they tried them:

Otis Redding - Everything he did was awesome.

Golf - Just play it. Seriously. Give it a shot.