Jersey Shore Wrap-Up

This has nothing to do with anything here, but I just remembered a great line from the original UK series of The Office. If you aren't familiar with the episode, this isn't going to make sense, but if you know what I'm talking about, then you're welcome for the reminder. "I prefer flan."

And now the time has come for Jersey Shore to steal more of my time.

After the premier episode, I was hooked and wrote the following recap: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/12/mtv-has-done-it-again.html

Check out the comments. They range from loving my synopsis to scorn.

This is the only show of the past few years, other than LOST, that I've made sure to watch each episode immediately. And here's the thing: I don't even like the show. But I love it. It's like an abusive relationship. I hate everything about it, but I keep coming back for more because I love something about it. Something these people could be, or something. I don't know what it is. Now I understand why Whitney kept going back to Bobby.

This show does nothing good for me. I have real work that I need to be doing right now. Work that actually matters and will have major bearing on my career. But this show has fucked up my priorities. I'm doing this instead. Normally, before going to sleep, I read and sometimes do Adobe AfterEffects tutorials. You know what I did last night? I spent 30 minutes reading about the body language of wolves, just in case. This fucking show stupefied me to the point that I thought I should prepare myself for a violent encounter with a wolf. I can't imagine what I would do with my time if I watched them "beat the beat back" one more time. Maybe a tattoo of a Hyundai logo, or a membership to a tanning salon. Fuck. Ryan, get yourself together.

I'm happy and sad that the show is over. I'm glad that I won't obsess about the show any more. But I'm sad that I may never again see Snooki ask if she should call 911 or Urgent Care to find out if Ronnie is in jail.

If you read my original write up, you know that I gave background on each character. It turned out that I nailed all of them to a T. So I'm going to give final thoughts on each one, and I'll be done with the show for good, or until they do another season next summer.

Angelina - I can't think of a more unlikeable character in the history of TV. Shrill, invasive, conniving, vain and jealous. These things combined to form a Voltron of cuntiness. Even if you're the type who is offended by the word "cunt," you aren't when it's used to describe this bag of filth, who appropriately carried her belongings in trash bags. Whenever a guy brought a girl back to the house, she was quicker than a Minuteman to block. She would just go up to these girls, call them bitches and make them leave. Ted Alexandro has a great joke where he says, "I've never hit a woman, but I have been in situations where I've thought, 'Oh, this is when some men hit women.'" That's what Angelina made me think of. Her objections to bringing girls over: They weren't "classy," and it showed "disrespect" on the part of the guys. I soon discovered that "classiness" and "respect" are the key Guido virtues, although only one person in the house actually knew the meaning of those words. Angelina was booted from the house on the third day for refusing to work 12 hours per week, hawking beach t-shirts. She didn't want to work because her married boyfriend was mad at her. She said, "I don't see him [as married]. I just see it as he's in a bad relationship." He just needs to break up with his wife, she thinks. I think I said it in the initial recap; To these people, life is like kids playing house. They don't understand anything.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 1

I'll take the over. I bet she got two as gifts, but doesn't wear them because the dragon skulls aren't pretty enough for her.

J-Woww - J-Woww is a hot mess. She might be schizophrenic, or at least a sociopath. She looks like a homeless prostitute. She's either the smartest or second smartest in the house. She has fits of rage where she wants to fight everything. She cheats on her boyfriend then watches the video and says she didn't cheat on her boyfriend (goes back to the old "no penetration rule"). She's incredibly manipulative. Her boyfriend didn't seem like a huge toolbox when he appeared in one episode, but he knows she's cheating on him regularly, yet he continues to buy her new Ed Hardy shirts at her beck and call.

J-Woww's best moment was in one of the last episodes. The Situation was making out with a girl in a club, who had made out with Vinny seconds earlier. J-Woww threw up in the bathroom and wanted The Situation to walk her upstairs to their suite. It was a ridiculous request, so The Situation refused. Then J-Woww threatened to fight the girl that he was making out with. She didn't. Instead, she elected to hit The Situation and get kicked out of the club. When The Situation returned to the suite, he was greeted with a J-Woww, Double-Dragon style, back-hand to the mouth. Even though everyone wanted The Situation to get hit in the mouth, the circumstances surrounding it made me think back to Ted Alexandro's joke.

J-Woww is the type of girl who would tell someone to suck her dick, causing everyone within an earshot to stop what they're doing and cringe.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 7

Over, again. She seems like the type of girl who would insist on drinking Ed Hardy wine (it exists), because "I'm a classy broad."

The Situation - In my initial write-up, I said that he should have his own TV network. I stand by that statement. After the pilot, my roommate Al, and I agreed that The Situation is the perfect Guido. He's the leader. He's not the smartest by any means. He's probably the second dumbest. But he has being a Guido down. He's perfect. G-T-L. That's how he starts every morning. Gym, tanning, laundry. All three are related to vanity. I understand going to the gym in the morning since he's a personal trainer, plus working out in the morning wakes you up. But tanning every day in a tanning bed when you literally live on the beach? 1) The FDA just announced that tanning beds are the easiest way to get cancer. 2) The guy is 28 and looks 45. Stay in the shade, bro (That's what he and I call each other). And laundry every day. Does he not realize that you can drop everything off at once?

The Situation made out with Snookie, which he said was fine. But he said he couldn't have sex with her because, "She's like my sister." You can make out with your sister, but everything goes back to the No Penetration Rule.

Al thinks that if The Situation had a smart wing-man, he would be unstoppable. I think Al is right.

I don't know what else to write about his. I would have to start a separate blog dedicated to The Situation in order to capture his essence. You have to watch in order to get it.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 30

This is a tough one. I can't place a bet. I'm sure he's owned at least 30, but as Sean Gabbert and I were saying last night, he probably goes through them like toothpicks. I bet he'll only wear them the month they came out. After that, they're his sweat towels at the gym.

Snooki/Snicks/Snooks/Snickuz - Snooks might be the dumbest person on Earth. She was shown a picture of Joe Biden and asked who it is. She said, "Vice President." Good job. And what's the Vice President's name? "Krone." Vice President Krone. She was asked, "When Reagan said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,' to what was he referring?" She responded, "The Denver Dam."

In the early episodes, we saw that she was late to work because she couldn't find the store. We also saw that she couldn't find her house one night when trying to get a guy named Ron, who she called Russ, to come home and sleep with her. Later, in the fourth or fifth episode, we learned that their house was on the boardwalk, and the store was in the front of the house. All they had to do was walk around to the front of the house. So, she couldn't figure out how to get to the front of her house. And she couldn't find her house even though it's on the boardwalk. There are no turns. You just walk and stop when you get to it.

She was talking to a guy who wore a cowboy hat and instinctively asked, "Do you own a farm?"

Their duck phone warped due to condensation, as J-Woww correctly told her. Snickers doesn't understand words and insisted that the phone didn't warp. No. It "morphed." The phone morphed.

The Situation brought three girls to the house and needed Snookers to block two of them. Anyone with a brain knows that those instructions meant she should occupy their time. Did Snicks understand that? Nope. Instead, as soon as they arrived, she said something to the effect of, "You two need to fuckin' leave. You can stay, but you other two sluts have to go." This earned her a solid punch to the jaw.

She also got punched by a man, in the scene that made this show famous. There's no excuse for a man to hit a woman, or for anyone to hit anyone, but when you're getting punched on the regular, you have to ask if you're a victim or a provocateur. The day after the guy punched her, she and J-Woww sat at a bar with five drinks each. Snooks couldn't open her mouth, and mumbled, "Why does this shit always happen to me?" It was one of my favorite moments of the series.

In the last episode, she spoke of how, out of boredom, she started an impromptu dance party on the boardwalk, with which the passers-by were enamoured. The footage showed that everyone was horrified because she was dancing to no music like she was on E.

She calls herself The Princess of Poughkeepsie. This is why monarchies are never a good idea.

Snicks has the mental capacity of an 8-year-old. Nothing else to say.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 6

I'll take the under. I think she has 4, but doesn't wear them because they aren't tight enough to reveal her physique.

DJ Pauly D - He seems like the type of guy who would confide in you that he's never been to school. He's really ignorant, but I think he has the capacity to not be an idiot. He's primarily just a huge douche. He has a 3' tattoo that says Cadillac. I think he has a Cadillac logo on his back as well. I could be wrong about that though. That said, I think he seems like an alright guy. He's not an asshole at all. He didn't try to get into fights. He wasn't creepy. He was just a huge douche. But a huge douche who would probably be fun to hang out with.

His best moment came when a Jewish girl stalked him. She asked him to go to the Holy Land with her. He responded, "I'm Catholic. You're people hate my people." WHAT???? He repeatedly said things like that about Judaism, sounding like someone talking about AIDS in 1982. No malice, but also no information.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 40

I bet Pauly has a separate room for his Ed Hardy shirts. He deejays six night per week. This guy owns everything Christian Audigier has ever made.

Ronnie - First rule of the Jersey Shore: "Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore." Oops. Ronnie, you broke your one and only rule. Ronnie is a good guy, I think. Not the brightest guy, but worlds ahead of The Situation, Snikkers and Pauly D. He seemed really nice. I could watch him dance for hours on end. He looked like he was having seizures and knew how to use them to his advantage. His only problem is that he has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. He never picked fights, but he did have points of no return, where if someone was talking shit to him, he would say "Enough," and knock them out. Also, he and Sammi would have a group cry daily.

Great moment: A guy was talking shit to all of them. They ignored it for a few minutes, as the asshole followed them down the street. Finally, Ronnie and his 'roid-rage had enough. He ran down the street, off-camera. Seconds later, he re-appeared, skipping down the street, joyously proclaiming, "One shot. That's one shot, bro." He was skipping as if he didn't realize he had done something bad. Cut to the guy he punched. The guy looked dead. Cops showed up. The Jersey Shore cast acted like nothing happened. Then a cop yelled, "Hey, Ronnie, come here." They knew his name.

Best quote of the entire series: "Sammi, I can't believe I even put you in the equation. I mean you... in the equation."

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 15

With Sean Gabbert's advice, I'll take the under. He pointed out that Ronnie probably has about five and wears them over and over. I think he's right. I also think that every time Ronnie pulls one out, he holds it up to the light and says, "This is my favorite one."

Sammi Sweetheart - Sammi is awful. She is the prototype of a terrible person. She doesn't seem dumb at all. She might even be pretty smart. But she has the emotional intelligence of an 8th-grader. She cries, lies, manipulates, makes every situation about herself and is incredibly jealous. Ronnie shouldn't have fallen for her crap. She did two things that he should have seen through.

1) She was very jealous. If Ronnie ordered a sandwich from a female cashier, she would think Ronnie was fucking her. People who are jealous like that are that way because they actually do what they accuse their partner of doing. Huge red flag.

2) I think this is what made her smart. Karl Rove changed politics (I'm not praising Karl Rove) with a new style of political branding. The first thing he would do in his races is establish his opponent's strengths as his weaknesses, and say that his own weaknesses were his strengths. So Sammi branded Ronnie as a cheater, and herself as a "Sweetheart."

She is a miserable person. It was great to see Ronnie break up with her on the reunion show. She seems like the type of person who would overreact to something and her mom would say, "Now Sammi, don't cry over spilled milk." And Sammi would shoot back, "But I want milk." Self-centered seaward.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 4

Under. I don't think she's into that stuff. Her only redeeming quality.

Vinny - Like I said in the first one, Vinny is a normal guy who didn't realize what he was getting himself into. I would hang out with Vinny.

Funniest moment for Vinny: He was at a bar and met an older woman. He didn't realize she came to the bar with his boss. He took her home. After they had already made out a little, he discovered this. He decided that the damage had already been done, so he said fuck it and kept going. Not only did the boss not care, but Vinny kept seeing her. That's boss, son.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 4

Under, definitely. I think he has two. He bought one, thinking, "This looks ridiculous." Then his mom saw his shirt while doing his laundry and thought he loved it, so she bought him another one. Then she cut his steak for him.

I've been to a similar place on the Jersey Shore, called Wildwood. I spent two strange days there. While throwing a football on the beach, I cut my foot on a broken piece of glass. It's that kind of beach. Here's a video from Wildwood. Enjoy. It seems like the Wild West.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

(Don't worry, this isn't going to be really serious.)

I'm a news junkie. I go to about 15 sites a few times a day for news. The sites range all across the political spectrum, and covers newspapers, blogs, and traditional news sites like BBC and CNN. About a year and a half ago, I had to banish Drudge Report after about 10 years of reading it regularly, because it turned into a site dedicated to proving that Obama is some sort of Kenyan-Muslim-Witch with a racist Christian spiritual mentor. It's absurd now.

Now Huffington Post is almost in the same boat. Not in the way that it's a leftist-ideologue site like Drudge is a right-wing ideologue site, but in that it's absurd. I like it because they cover some newsworthy subjects that receive little coverage in other outlets. But at the same time, someone like Ian Zeirring will have a column on North Korea on the front page. Last year, there was an article about how people with allergies need to embrace the things they're allergic to, and they'll no longer be allergic. The argument was mind over matter. "If you're allergic to pollen, climb a tree in the Spring... If you're allergic to apples, consume an entire orchard." Science says that either of these things would kill me. But Huffington Post says they'll make me stronger. Hmmm... I wonder which one to do.

The latest Huffington Post ridiculousness might be the straw that broke the camel's back. This headline has been on the front page for four days: Jonah Falcon, Man with World's Largest Penis, Unemployed in New York, while there is no news at all about Iran. A few things: They cite him as if someone says "Jonah Falcon," and we all think, "Oh, that's the guy with the..." And the headline mentions his huge penis as if it's a skill, and implies, "How could the biggest dick in the world not have a job? In New York, of all places? In Boston, sure. But how could the world's biggest dick not find work in New York, surrounded by such inferior dicks?" I've never been to a job interview where that's come up. If Jonah Falcon had the world's most Phd's and was unemployed, he could get some sympathy from me. But I'm not shedding a tear for someone with a 13.5" penis, and no college degree, who can't find a job. The headline might as well be, "Jonah Falcon, Man with World's Sharpest Elbows, Unemployed in New York." Good luck finding a job, Jonah, but everything about the story is irrelevant and nothing close to news.

I did read the story to try to figure out why it's posted on the Internet. I couldn't figure it out. But there was a funny quote from Jonah. A lot of people think, "Why doesn't he just do porn?" forgetting that penis size isn't the only obstacle preventing every guy from being a porn-star. It's also because some people don't know how to sign up. Jonah Falcon's reasoning for not doing porn is "Nobody would take me seriously. Nobody." That's hilarious. I'm picturing people turning it on, he whips it out, and everyone says, "This is ludicrous! Make it go away!"

Movie Recommendation

If you're in the mood for mercenaries, Delta Force, a female Russian dissident turned CIA agent, Serbia, Chechnyan rebels, Tikrit, Russia, Al Qaeda, a deranged doctor, special effects that look like they were done in MS Paint, and vampire bats, all within an hour and a half span, I recommend to you "Bats: Human Harvest." Watch it in... confusion. I really had no idea of what was happening the whole time, but I do know this: It was worth it.

I've seen people write "WoW" over the past few years, and thought people were referring to Opie and Anthony's "Whip'em Out Wednesdays." Every time I saw WoW, I thought, "O and A are good, but WoW was like 10 years ago. Let it go." I just found out it stands for World of Warcraft. I lostmy geek card. I feel naked.

OMG, Funny Stuff on the Blog, LOL, Power Rankings, LMAO

After typing the title of this blog, I realized the Power Rankings should be for most annoying chat acronyms. Oh well. Another day. But seriously, if you type "LOL," stop it. You aren't actually laughing out loud. We know you aren't, except for my friend Jay, who I've seen laugh out loud after reading a text. He can type LOL any time he wants. No one else.

The actual subject is terrible products in extended commercials and infomercials. So, it's either from an infomercial, or one of those commercials where about a minute and a half in, you think, "This is a long-ass commercial for electric socks. How can they afford this?" All of these products are completely useless, a scam, or there's a very common product that can replace them.

9. That guy who sells CDs on how to use Ebay.

This guy looks like an uncle who would show up every other Thanksgiving and talk to everyone about his recent "opportunities." He also probably brags about his marinade that "makes the juiciest pork tenderloin you'll ever eat."

Here's the scam: Buy my CD about how to use Ebay. So, you buy a CD. The CD instructs you to got to ebay.com. Once there, just click around. Now you're using EBay. It's ludicrous. He may as well be selling a CD that teaches people how to own a CD.

8. The 5- Hangers Thing or any other clothing space saver

This is the stupid product which prompted this Power Rankings. It's a thing which holds five hangers, which can then be cascaded vertically, saving you tons of closet space, according to the commercial. But I'm not sure how accurate the commercial is, because the closet in the commercial has about 20 bubble jackets in it. How about if you get rid of 19 of your bubble jackets? That's a free solution. You could even put them on EBay and make money off the jackets. But, how do you use Ebay? As a general rule, the best space saver is getting rid of shit. "But I need 14 yellow sweaters." The world doesn't need 14 yellow sweaters. I hope you like being lonely.

This might be the angriest Power Rankings yet.

7. Flavor Wave Turbo Oven

Twice, I have considered buying the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven. The first time was because Mr. T is the spokesperson, and the guy can sell. The second time was because I thought, "Hold on, I can cook that meal in 20 minutes?" Then I remembered that I already have an oven which could do the same in 30 minutes.

6. Mega Memory

This is a scam by a guy named Kevin Trudeau. Well, I remembered his name, so I guess it worked to some extent. Mega Memory is the only one on the list that I actually fell for and bought. And let me tell you, it's bullshit. The only thing it succeeds at is helping you remember, word-for-word, a stupid story that the program recites about 100 times. Then they say, "See, you have perfect memory recall now." No, you just told me the same shit 100 times.

Why did I buy Mega Memory and Mega Memory Advanced, you might ask? I was a sophomore in college and came up with a plan (the plan will not disclosed here, although I will state it did not involve a coup), which necessitated me memorizing the entire Constitution. The plan was stupid and it failed.

The essence of Mega Memory is "Hey, if you aren't completely stupid, you can remember something if someone says it to you over and over all day." No shit. Here's $80, Kevin Trudeau.

5. Flowbee

This one is patently absurd. I think their patent actually states that. Flowbee, U.S. (Absurd) Patent 3045987. It's a hair clipper that hooks up to your vacuum cleaner, thereby sucking your hair and cutting it. The only positive is there's no clean-up involved.

Now, I understand people trying to save money on haircuts. I have a few friends who cut their own hair. But they shave it. Perfectly understandable. But when I was a kid, if my parents wanted to cut my hair, and the choices were to let my mom go at it with scissors and no experience, or a fucking vacuum cleaner, I'm going with my mom every time. The thing about vacuum cleaners is they don't have eyes. They just suck and cut. Everything will be the same length, unless the vacuum cleaner is weak and only sucks certain strands, in which case you will look homeless and crazy. I have a really weird shaped head. There's a crest along the top from where my brain is so huge, it's looking for more space to accommodate it. I look like an alien when my head is shaved. But I'd shave my head before letting a Dirt Devil cut it.

4. Flirty Girl Fitness

Flirty Girl Fitness is a staple of MTV's four minute commercial breaks. It's a fitness program for girls who just wanna grind on something. That's all it is. They show girls, who are clearly on a legit work-out program, grinding on chairs, poles, whatever can be ground. And they're like, "This is all you have to do to be a hot-bodied Flirty Girl." How about if you just go for a jog for like 2 minutes. That would be more of a workout than six hours of chair grinding. Here's the slogan for my counter workout program: "Just go for a 10 minute run four or five times per week, and you'll be grinding animate objects in no time! Be the slut of your dreams!"

3. Girls Gone Wild

I will never understand the appeal of this series. Ron Francis has Jerry Seinfeld money just for going up to young sluts and saying, "Hey honey, show me them titties." He probably makes as much money as Howard Stern, sees about the same number of naked women at work, but doesn't have to have talent like Howard, or wake up at 3am. That's his basic career objective: "I want to be Howard Stern, except I don't want to be talented or have responsibilities. Basically, I'm trying to see some titties and get money." Notice that's Ron Francis saying "titties" over and over, not me.

It all boils down to this: Girls Gone Wild came out while the Internet was already thriving. The Internet is overflowing with actual porn that is free. So, it was already obsolete when it was introduced, but it's still making tons of money. It has to be the most well-marketed shitty product of the past 20 years. More-so than Tech-Vests? Yes.

2. Gold

Gold? Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, the price of gold is steady. But the commercials for gold are huge scams. It's usually right-wing mouthpieces who are in the commercials, speaking as if they're an unbiased commenter, while they have huge financial stakes in the company. "Hey, Darlene, Glenn Beck said we should trade our everything for gold... Yeah, we should do it. Has Glenn lied in the past?" Never trust a Glenn who has two N's in his name. If anyone ever tells you to invest in something because it's fool-proof and you'll make a ton of money, the only person who will be making money is the person trying to sell you on the idea.

The way it's a scam is, they hike their sale price to well over the market price for gold, which gives them an enormous commission. And you've paid an amount for your gold that you'll never be able to sell it for. Huge scam. If you're watching a show and a gold commercial comes on, turn it immediately. When a gold commercial airs, it means that the gold company thought, "Idiots will be watching this show." And you aren't an idiot, are you? Of course not.

1. Anything selling a book on how to make money

These are my favorites. You have to be half a 'tard to buy a book on how to make money with no effort. All of these books should be one sentence: "Write a book on how to get rich with no effort."