ryanconnercomedy

First Podcast Now Live

2010-03-23T11:11:00.003-04:00

I didn't do any research on placing the podcast on iTunes until now. Looks like it will be a week or two until it's available there. For now, you can listen to episode 1 here. Left click to play in your browser. Right click and select "Save Target As," or "Save File As," to listen on your iPod.

The show is called Caligula's Grotto. Why? Because it's a kick-ass name. I host it, along with my good friend, Alan Skontra (link to his blog on the right).

This episode is 52 minutes, and features Sean Gabbert as our guest, as well as Quincy Ledbetter, in a segment we call Defend Yourself. The concept of Defend Yourself is: "Quincy Ledbetter, you are a 29-year-old man, and you read Twilight. Defend Yourself."

Here is the video referenced in the podcast:

Disclaimer: The first 12 or so minutes are very ass-heavy. That was not planned. I got sidetracked and that's what we talked about. It's funny, but don't worry, the podcast won't normally sound like something you would read in Maxim.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

2010-03-22T15:17:00.002-04:00

As Jim pointed out in the comments of my last blog, the admission that I could do long-division in my head before I started school, but couldn't tie my shoes until I was around eight-years-old, was very revealing. And as he said, "It makes sense." Now here's another one. When I was six, I knew world geography better than I do now. I knew just about every country in the world and their capitals. This because I hung out with my pal, Globe, for about 90 minutes each day. He would ask me things like, "What's the capital of Mozambique," and I would ask him things like, "Why don't girls have wieners?" The capital is Maputo. I know that. However, I don't know the Electric Slide. Everyone knows The Electric Slide. I don't.

From fourth grade through ninth grade, every P.E. class had a dance unit, which included the Electric Slide, Square Dancing, and all that pointless, waste of time garbage. Even as a nine-year-old, who cared about nothing more than making good grades, I refused to participate in the dance unit. Every year, I told the teachers that I didn't want to do it, "because it's pointless." P.E. is for basketball. Not the Foxtrot. As a result, I was given a zero in dancing every year. No worries, though. I could bring that grade up when the kickball unit came around. Use the search feature at the top if you're interested in my kickball exploits. Oh, you aren't. Okay. Fine. Keep reading.

Somehow I avoided dancing my entire life. In high school, whenever homecoming or prom came around, if I had a girlfriend, luckily she didn't want to go to homecoming or prom either. In college, I had to awkwardly reject people from time to time, in order to avoid dancing. Post-college, I have only been to two dance clubs, and both were in other countries, so I could get away with not dancing. "I don't like the way this beat mixes with this longitude." The first was in Spain. That's where I hit rock-bottom. I will not link to that story. You can look it up if you want to know what happened. It still haunts me. The other was in China, where the dancing looks like jogging from the waist down and a seizure from the waist up. I felt no pressure to participate in that.

I hate dancing so much that when I watch Footloose, I root for the father.

All my life, my dance-boycott policy seemed to be vindicated. Until...

Last week, I had an audition for a commercial series. Not one commercial, but a series, by one of the largest companies in North America. The series shoots on the coast of Argentina. I did a great job during the first audition. Two days later, Thursday, I got a callback. It was for that afternoon. I went in confident. The producers, writer and director were there with the casting director this time. The audition had two parts. The first part was acting. I did a great job. Then I was told to "Just dance like crazy." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Who would have thought my elementary school dance boycott would come back to hurt me. Other people forget theorems. I still remember theorems. Couldn't they ask me to recite a theorem. Why is it that the most relevant part of my elementary school education is the dance unit in P.E.? You can forget how to add and no one gives a shit.

Again, "Dance like crazy." He actually mentioned a type of dance. I hadn't heard of it. I told him that. He said, "The steps are similar to the Electric Slide."

I started laughing. "I don't know the Electric Slide."

All the casting people looked giddy, for some reason.

I said, "I'm gonna be honest with you. I have never danced in my life."

"Then this will be perfect."

"No, I don't think you understand. This is going to be horrendous."

They laughed.

I had to start "dancing." No music. Nothing. Just some dudes watching me "dance like crazy." They told me to pretend eight women in bikinis surrounded me, and were trying to touch me, because that's what the commercial would be(Whew, glad I didn't get the commercial). So, I did something that I'm going to call "My Latin Dance," while talking to the invisible girls. All I remember saying is, "You know, some people say I'm a bad dancer. But that's because they don't understand me like you do." The whole concept of this series is being awkward around women. I have been training for this my whole life. Except for this part. I felt like I was Shaq trying out for a basketball team, and all they're asking me to do is shoot free-throws.

They were laughing while I was doing the dance. Then they asked me to do it again without talking, because there might be a voiceover anyway. I jumped back into the Latin Dance. They were laughing. I couldn't not talk. I started a conversation with the casting people.

"This is my Latin Dance."

A producer laughed and said, "I think that's just called walking."

I laughed. "I didn't think you'd call me on that. And I don't appreciate the fact that you did."

We all laughed. And it was over. I blew it. So much money on the line. If only I had participated in the Electric Slide when I was nine, maybe I would be able to get furniture that matches my other furniture, instead of the wood buffet that I now have in my bedroom. Fuck you, dancing. Fuck you right in your Foxtrot face.

FUN FACT!!!!!!! I actually know a couple dances, but nothing appropriate for this venue. My friend, Billy, and I made up a dance in eighth grade called the Kung-Pao Chicken-Mao. If you ask, I will do this for you. I don't care where we are. I will do it. And I will do it well. I can also Moonwalk like it's my job.

POWER RANKINGS AGAIN!!!!!

2010-03-17T12:23:00.003-04:00

My friend, comedian Doug Powell, has a great joke: "I hate when I really like a something, then I find out someone I don't like likes it too, then I can't like it anymore. For example, I love The Dave Matthews Band. But then I found out Dave Matthews likes the Dave Matthews Band. And I hate Dave Matthews." This Power Rankings is a complete rip-off of that joke. Actually, think of it as a tribute.

Things I would like more if other people didn't like them... POWER RANKINGS!!!

It's a fear of becoming one of them that keeps me from getting too involved in these things. I can prove that I don't care about the approval of others by pointing out my tendency to wear silver pants in high school, chain mail in the streets of Seville, Spain, and going to bars as a "recent police academy graduate."

I'm scared of getting too involved in the following things out of fear of myself becoming a huge douchebag like a lot of people who are into these things.

12. The Arcade Fire/Dave Matthews Band

These are two awesome bands. Musically, the only knock on either one is that The Arcade Fire's sound is close to being a David Bowie rip-off. Other than that, what? Dave Matthews Band is one of the best collections of musicians of any band ever. As musicians, they are absolutely incredible. They also write some great songs and a lot of good songs. Arcade Fire writes nothing but great songs. But... The "Davers" are one of the most annoying groups of people in the world. They were born with hacky sacks in the corduroy pants pockets. I would stop talking to my own mother if she started referring to them as "Dave," as everyone calls them at all the Ben and Jerry's stores. Which reminds me, Dave Matthews' signature Ben and Jerry's ice cream is my favorite, but I feel like a douche when I eat it.

On the other hand, Arcade Fire fans make fans of This American Life look like Richard Nixon. Illustrations by Joe Mande.

11. Suits

I don't like dressing up. I own about five shirts that have buttons of any kind. My reasoning is three-pronged.

1. I don't like dress-codes. The idea of having to wear a certain thing for an activity is absurd, unless we're talking about shorts for soccer. You wouldn't want to play in chaps.

2. It takes a lot of work to put on a suit.

3. If I was wearing a suit, I feel like I would be expected to "make deals," and call people and before even say hello, I would have to say, "Sell, sell!"

However, I like suits. They're comfortable. No ties. But I like the idea of walking around in a suit for no reason, like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs.

10. NPR

All Things Considered is a good show. This American Life is a good show. But it seems like people who go out of their way to mention NPR have a mono-faceted/HuffingtonPost worldview, which I don't want to be associated with. Also, don't like American Apparel or Marcel Duchamp enough to be a regular NPR listener.

9. Harry Potter movies

This one isn't really true. I have no interest in Harry Potter. I just wanted to take an opportunity to say that Harry Potter is shit. And every time an adult recommends it to me, I brace myself for them to recommend a favorite flavor of Capri Sun as well. That said, this is one of my favorite movies.

8. Bowling

What's more fun than bowling? Other than kick-ball? Very few things. Sure, probably half of all bowlers are what I'd call normal. But whenever I bowl (once every couple years), I feel like I'm hanging out at the Child Support Avoidance Club.

7. Sailing

Is there a douchier activity that sailing? It's douchier than douching itself. Of course I don't have the money to sail, but I love being on boats, and sailing looks awesome. But I don't think I would be allowed at the marina with a boat named "State Sponsored Sodomy."

6. Hats

I love hats. I look weird in hats. That's the problem. This really has nothing to do with being a part of any group, because there really isn't a group of people who wear bowler hats. I would love to wear a bowler. They look badass. Or a top-hat. Are you serious? Who wouldn't wear a top-hat? Now, balding hasn't been an issue in my family, but if I go bald, I'm in trouble. I wouldn't try to hide it, but I have the oddest shaped head. I shaved it once and discovered that the top of my head has a v-shaped peak, from where my brain excess is looking for more skull to occupy. Seriously, it looks freakish. So, we have that on top of the fact that I look really weird in hats.

5. Noam Chomsky

Incredibly smart guy, but in almost every book or essay, he'll make a great point, then follow it up by essentially saying, "And that's how the US Government executes its plan of killing 1 million South Americans each week." His book "Profit Over People" is full of this stuff. The dude is a genius who has lost his mind.

4. Real Madrid

If you aren't a soccer fan, you might not know about Real Madrid. I studied, briefly, in Madrid. While there, I became a fan of the club, after being an AC Milan and Ajax fan all my life. But Real spends so much money on players, they make the Yankees look like a AA team. Last summer alone, I think they spent around $350-400 million on just a few players. How can you support that? Also, they dropped Ruud Van Nistlerooy, who has scored more goals than anyone in Europe over the past decade. Why? Because he's not flashy enough. Hey Real Madrid, flash these nuts. That's all I have.

3. Co-ops

What's better than buying your produce from local farmers, contributing to the community and saving a few bucks? Other than kickball. Co-ops are great, but I don't feel like I should have to brush up on my knowledge of The Animal Collective before I go out to buy some broccoli.

2. Velcro Shoes

I might be the only person in the world, who in an ideal setting would be wearing a suit without a tie, a bowler hat, and Velcro shoes. I hate tying my shoes. Sometimes I double-knot, so I don't have to tie them every five minutes. But then it takes me five minutes to untie the double-knot. In the battle against shoelaces, I can't win. We've always been at war. True story: I could do long-division in my head when I was four. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was seven or eight. It was always Velcro, or "Hey, could you tie my shoes for me?"

I would get Velcro shoes now, but I don't want to lose the benefit of the doubt from strangers that I'm not retarded.

1. Marijuana

I've met one person in my life who has smoked it and didn't like it. I think half the world would be potheads if potheads didn't already exist, reminding everyone how annoying potheads are.

Conversely, here are things people would love if they tried them:

Otis Redding - Everything he did was awesome.

Golf - Just play it. Seriously. Give it a shot.

Podcast

2010-03-17T00:56:00.000-04:00

The first episode has been recorded. I think it's funny throughout. I hope to have it on iTunes for free within a week.

Detroit and Stuff

2010-03-15T14:05:00.003-04:00

A couple appetizers...

-Next week, I'm shooting a pilot for NFL Network. It's a cool concept for a show. I'll post updates when I know something.

-I'm starting a podcast. We're recording the first one tomorrow. The goal is one per week, or every other week. I want to make sure none of the material is dated, so people can listen over and over. I'm not sure how we're going to distribute yet. Most-likely iTunes. Just subscribe and whenever a new one is complete, it will automatically download. Of course it would be free. The podcast will be hosted by myself and my roommate, Alan. Each show, we'll have one guest who will contribute. We aren't going to interview anyone. It's just going to be a structured conversation.

Over the weekend, I drove to Detroit. Why would I drive to Detroit? Because I booked a flight on a hunch. Let me explain. My agent told me he booked me at Oakland University. I thought, "Cool, I'm going to California." Then he told me it's in a suburb of Detroit called Rochester. I assumed he was misspoke and it was in Rochester, Minnesota. I did a Google search for Oakland University and still somehow concluded that it was in Minnesota. So, I booked the flight for Minneapolis.

Three days before the show, I was talking to Danny Rouhier. I told him I had a show at Oakland University, and said, "I thought it was in California," and was about to say, "But it's in Minnesota," but he cut me off, laughing, and said, "But you're going to Detroit." I got really quiet. After a couple seconds, he asked if I was still there. What do you mean, Detroit, I asked. That's where Oakland University is, he confirmed. Shit. He and I decided that Delta would probably switch my flight for $50. Wrong. $750. $750, on top of the $300 I had already paid. You know what that means? It's time to drive to Detroit.

I asked a few comics to open for me, all of whom couldn't come because they swore they had shows already booked, but I'm guessing the whole "Let's drive to Detroit!" offer threw them off a bit. I don't really care about having the crowd warmed up before I go on. I usually have openers just to help people out and give them stage time, and so I have someone to hang out with when I'm doing these shows. So, I opted to bring my roommate, Alan, instead. Alan doesn't do stand-up. Alan doesn't drive. Alan doesn't eat fruits, vegetables or condiments. So why did I bring him? Because he agreed to come. Kidding. I knew it would be fun. Plus, we're planning a trip where we drive West to London, and I wanted to experiment with having a passenger who doesn't drive before we head West to London.

Brief description of West to London from a 2007 blog entry:

It's an idea my friends Al, Jim and I came up with. We were watching Discovery's "Building the Ultimate," and it was about a bridge being built over the Bering Strait. Within 30 seconds of tuning in, I said, "Jim, let's drive to London. West to London." He was in. Al was in. We called Glen and Craig. They're in. I think we have a couple more as well. I don't remember who though. We're going to take three cars, like they did on sailing expeditions. We'll have a food car, a tool car, and a spice car. It will be a 90-day voyage (none of us like driving long distances without stopping). We will stop each night and take in a town (there has to be a less gay way to say that). The interesting plot points would include:

1. Spending 40 days in remotes areas means someone will die of a disease that will eventually be named after them.

2. Al only eats chicken breasts, burgers, fries, cheese pizza, and French bread. Therefore, he's not going to be able to eat from the time we reach Siberia until we get to Germany. That's dangerous. He also doesn't drive. That adds the element of "Why did they bring him along? What is he contributing? He must be great at conversation or something."

3. Finding roads in Siberia and Mongolia will be tough. There are less than 200 roads in all of Mongolia. We only need to find the one that will take us to the Mongolian BBQ.

4. Chances are, if we go anywhere near Albania, we will be kidnapped. That will get the State Department heavily involved. When was the last time the State Department got involved in your vacation to Ocean City?

5. We will probably run into a Chechen warlord. We can cross that off our To-Do Lists.

What we didn't realize at the time is that the episode on the Berring Strait Bridge was a show on theoretical engineering. There is no bridge. There will be no bridge. We cannot drive West to London. I think about this weekly.

Anyway, back to Detroit... Alan already wrote a recap, so I'll post his in italics and comment on it.

This weekend I rode with my roommate, comedian Ryan Conner to his show at Oakland University outside of Detroit. See the perks of being unemployed - I have the freedom to spend ten hours sitting in a Japanese made sedan hurtling towards the epicenter of the rust belt economic collapse.

The car is Korean, not Japanese. Right off the bat, Alan is spreading lies.

- We left Friday morning at 7:30. Upon pulling out of the parking spot, Ryan warned me: I have a sore hamstring, so don't be alarmed if you see me stretching awkwardly to relieve the pain; also, the soreness extends to my right buttock and we might have to make frequent stops so I can apply balm lotion to my ass. I was the Virgil to his Dante, and we had entered the first concentric circle of hell.

Seriously, my right hamstring has been killing me since November. I need an MRI, but don't have insurance. And the cream is an arthritis cream that I was prescribed for an arthritic sternum a few years ago. It was a misdiagnosis (the arthritis turned out to be awesomeness that was trying to escape through my chest), but that cream is the shit. For about 18 hours, it will make your leg burn so badly that you forget it hurts. And it works in waves, which is a lot of fun. I was on stage, with about 20 minutes left in my set. All of a sudden, my ass felt like someone was flambeing it.

- Ryan's GPS advised us to dive right into downtown Newark morning rush traffic. Machines can't yet replace the human eye. When it comes to getting directions, I still trust more a gas station attendant whose English vocabulary is more limited than the words on a Twinkies wrapper.

I just want to add that I have the worst GPS in the world. It's a Navigon, the Radio Shack house brand. I know, only buy batteries and wires from Radio Shack. But this GPS has all the bells and whistles. It really does. The problem is that it gives terrible directions. It once sent me on a 35 minute route to get a haircut. Once I got there, I realized it was about four miles from where I started. Also, the voice of the GPS sounds like a German tranny with a speech impediment.

- Stopped at an Arby's in central Pennsylvania, one of those isolated, homogeneously white towns where I feel especially welcome and remember fondly all the times I've been warned that I have a "Jewish look." Ten minutes earlier I was explaining to Ryan how my mother country Croatia collaborated with the Nazis to run concentration camps. I ordered two small roast beef sandwiches and some curly fries.

True.

- Ryan and I held a conference call with comedian Jon Mumma. Each of us had an ear piece tethered to the phone, and I kept having to lean in towards the microphone on Ryan's neck to talk, and the only way I could stay comfortable was to stretch my arm across the upper back of his seat. The passengers in the car ahead of us kept looking back, seeing my positioning and proximity to Ryan, seeing me smiling widely from the conversation and wondering just when I was going to go down all the way.

Also, I was holding the phone out over Alan's lap, because I was already leaning toward him and needed to put my arm somewhere. So, to other drivers, Alan was sniffing my neck, while I gave him a manual.

- We saw a sign outside of Detroit directing traffic to Fangboner Street. You know Fangboner Street, it's the road you take to reach Gnashedcock Avenue. This was the first time I ever saw a street sign that made me queasy. I can't wait to stumble onto that fetish the next time I'm wandering about porn sites. You win, Twillight readers, I'll submit to that skin bleaching session now.

What year was this street named? When was there ever a time that Fangboner wasn't a funny name for a street? I just can't imagine a planning meeting where someone suggested, "How about we name this one Fangboner?" and everyone said, "Outstanding name! Finally a tribute to the Fangboner clan of Westhampton!" They must go through three signs per day. We also saw a street called Big Beaver.

- Prior to the show we met my friend Erik from high school, whom I hadn't seen in almost twelve years since we graduated and he moved to Michigan. I never forget people who have had an impact on my life, and despite the gap in time within three seconds we were back to our old bantering rapport. We used to drive to and from school hollering to pedestrians random graphic phrases like butt sex and piss fetish. Erik's a cop now.

- I knew Ryan before he became a comedian, and it still amuses me to watch female groupies queue up to talk to him after shows. He's in a relationship, so these conversations with fans are purely professional, but still, I'm jealous. That doesn't happen to writers. I sit in my cramped bedroom and blog in my underwear and a stained wifebeater, and I type hoping all this will get me laid, and then I go fix some beef hot dogs and a scalding cup of chicken broth.

Re-read that first sentence. Yeah, son. Proof.

- Erik and I accompanied Ryan to dinner with the school's extracurricular activities committee and the student comic who hosted the event. I just turned thirty and I'm in a phase where I want to relate to college kids by giving them unsolicited advice. We went to a Mongolian barbecue buffet, and since I wasn't eating, I waited for everyone to return to the table. The jockish, glazed-eyed host sat down before the others, and I started talking to him. He told me he was an English major and twenty years old, and I jumped to tell him my background and how much he had to read Willa Cather novels. I kept eagerly suggesting we should exchange contact information, and before he left I cornered him and gave him my email. He didn't ask for mine, but I'm still really hoping he's into me.

This is the second reference to Mongolian BBQ in this entry. Impressive, I know.

- After the students left the three of us wandered to the bar and spent thirty minutes relaying bizarre medical stories, twenty minutes commiserating about my bad luck with women, and two minutes making fun of dead Estelle Getty.

We'll probably cover a few of the bizarre medical stories on the podcast. I also want to touch on Alan and Erick both knowing about pedophiles walking around with padlocks on their junk to stretch it, as well as info on re-creating foreskin, like they both subscribe to the same Dick News RSS feed. I'm still a little weirded about by this.

- On the return trip we cut across Canada, heading towards Niagra Falls. When we got there, it was thirty degrees outside, heavy rain with thirty mile winds. We spent just five miserable minutes there, and the scene did not provide the romantic moment we were hoping for. I had to settle for an ass balm session outside of Buffalo. I was the Beatrice to his Dante, and we had entered Paradiso.

Fact.

Check back here for info on the podcast and the Crucial Element series. It's finished. We're just figuring out what to do with it.

Craigslist Missed Connection

2010-03-10T11:23:00.002-05:00

stole your woman like i stole your bike (spider man)

sorry mike but i stole your woman why you were away and she didnt mind so just move on playboy... To all you guido fucks go get your shine boxs bitchs spider mans back

Location: spider man
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

There really isn't anything to add. Spider Man, "why you were away," "shine boxs"... This post has it all.

Beef and Pudding

2010-03-09T13:07:00.003-05:00

Two weeks ago, I did shows at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. They were great, as always at Helium. This past weekend, I did shows in Baltimore. They were like shows in Baltimore. You can't predict anything about Baltimore crowds and there's no consistent demographic. They're like a Chinese buffet. Rice. Okay. Chicken and broccoli. Great. Pudding? What the fuck are you doing here? Oh, beef and some type of sauce that's only described by its color, not its contents (MLK wouldn't be proud of that). That's about right. Pineapples and soft serve? Seriously? Well, someone here isn't going to like me. You can't please pudding and beef with brown sauce at the same time.

Prior to the last show, a group of people approached the headliner because they thought he was the bartender. He was at least 20 feet from any alcohol. I'm not sure how the logic department works in this group's collective head. 'He's standing in the back of the room, talking to three other people. He must be the bartender!'

The last show ended. The emcee, headliner, and I were hanging out in the back of the room. All was well. It was the typical deal where some people tell you they liked you, while others walk past. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until... a woman, a beast, she was about 6'1", 260lbs in a skin-tight leopard print dress, which if real, must have taken an entire pride of leopards to make, approached us. Picture Warren Sapp in a skin-tight leopard dress. "You were funny," she said to the headliner. He was funny.

"You were NOT funny," she said to me. I was a little surprised, and kind of smiled while mumbling, "I disagree."

Then she turned to Eli with, "I didn't see you."

Then she turned back to me and this elephant in leopard's clothing emphatically stated, as if she was chastising her child, "Seriously, that shit was not fuckin' funny." After she finished grunting those words out, she held her elephant stare on me, with her finger still extended like she was casting a spell. Her hand slowly lowered and she turned sharply, like it was a scene from a cheesy high school video project. Then the headliner said, "Fuck her. Classless. She won't be saying that when she pays $30 to see you at a theater in a few years." I had to correct him. She will never pay a dime to see me. Maybe her friends will, but she will never pay to see me again. Because she hates me and elephants never forget.

Did I mention how proud I am of the "elephant in leopard's clothing" line?

You would not believe what I just endured for this post. I did a Google image search for "fat girl leopard dress," to put a picture in this post. I didn't see what I was looking for, so I kept going through the pages, until on page 8 I found something I REALLY didn't want to see. The worst thing in the world. The Tranny-Surprise. It was a picture of a naked "woman" jerking off. It's bad enough if you're looking at porn and there's a tranny surprise, but I was looking for a picture of a dress. This goes far beyond pudding at the Chinese buffet. Seriously, my world tumbled around me. I was listening to Jean Genie, really enjoying it, and all of a sudden it sounded like someone moved the needle on the record, only I'm listening on iTunes. And I'm not making this up... I quickly shifted my eyes from the image of the woman jerking off to the table in front of me where a DVD copy of The Jerk was sitting right in front of me, reminding me of what I just saw. I immediately got up and drank some Listerine. This is how people get addicted to meth. Everyone, it is your civic duty to check in with me every few hours to make sure I'm not using.

I just realized I have a hole in my left sock. Bullshit.

Percocet is the New Crystal Ball

2010-03-03T13:14:00.003-05:00

First thing's first... Which makes a bigger difference: Listening to your headphones backwards, or conditioning before shampooing? I think it's a toss-up.

I'm thinking of suing Marvel Comics. They're stealing my Percocet hallucinations. You may or may not recall me writing last March about Percocet. I suffered a bad corneal abrasion and had to wear a patch and lay in darkness for a few days, all under a Percocet induced haze. In the midst of this haze, I snapped into consciousness for about 20 seconds. Long enough for me to say this to my girlfriend, as if it was an issue that the future of the world hinged on.

"Hey. Peter Parker is a newspaper photographer, right?"

"Yeah."

"And Clark Kent is a reporter?"

"Yeah."

"This isn't good. With the newspaper industry the way it is, they're gonna lose their jobs."

I immediately stopped talking, concerned about the future of crime-fighting, oblivious to the fact that Superman isn't real and Spider-Man probably isn't real. I was worried that Peter Parker would be relegated to the world of anonymous Flickr pages, and Clark Kent would run a never-read blog, because people only read the partisan news blogs, and Clark Kent is a facts man.

With that in mind, look what was brought to my attention: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/worklife/03/01/spiderman.gets.fired/index.html?hpt=Sbin

What the fucking fuck? I think it's safe to say the folks at Marvel have been reading the blog. What's next? A comic book about hurricaning?

Philadelphia Shows this week

2010-02-24T11:41:00.001-05:00

If you're in Philadelphia this week, good news! So am I!
I'll be at Helium Comedy Club tonight through Saturday. Heliumcomedyclub.com

You Can Get an Olympic Medal for This Shit? Power Rankings

2010-02-20T10:29:00.003-05:00

The Preamble

After a long layoff, it's time for another ranking in terms of POWER. So, if I rank something that you like low, it doesn't mean it sucks. It only means it lacks POWER.

This will be a ranking of the worst Olympic events, all of which I can't believe are in the Olympics. Originally, this was going to be exclusive to the Winter Olympics. Then I discovered the Winter Olympics has eight events and four of them suck. You need more than four things for a Power Rankings. Everyone knows that. When reading this, don't think, "Oh, but _____ is a neat event. It's cool that it's in the Olympics because it's so different." If you only desire to see something once every four years, no one deserves a medal for doing it. You're trying to disagree with me, but you can't. Cricket isn't in the Olympics. Neither is lacrosse or football (only a few countries play it), and golf is finally being reinstated in 2012. All of these things are more medal-deserving.

I'm biased towards the Summer Olympics. Partially because they have more than 10 events and don't generally suck. But also because they provide underdogs to root for. The medal standings for the Winter Olympics are essentially a ranking of the world's richest countries in descending order. In the summer, you can root for Kenya, Jamaica and Croatia. In the winter? Oh, I hope Sweden can bring home a few more medals to complement its idyllic lifestyle and weird IKEA chairs. Who cares...

The following terms will be used in the rankings: Sport, Event, Game, Activity.

Definitions...

Sport - A head-to-head athletic contest in which there is a quantifiable result. Examples: Basketball, tennis, boxing.

Event - An athletic event where your performance isn't impacted by your competitors (in other words, you can practice by yourself), but has the same athletic repute as a sport. Examples: Track and field, gymnastics, swimming, skiing.

Game - Can be head-to-head, but is non-athletic, although the skill requirement might be as high as any sport. Examples: Golf, billiards

Activity - Something that doesn't meet any of the above requirements. Examples: Cheerleading, Math Olympics, Cub Scouts, collecting spy memorabilia.

THE RANKINGS!!! Go!!!!

11. Super G

This really shouldn't be on the list because it's an awesome event. I just wanted to give it a mention because it has the best name of all Olympic events. It also sounds like it could be the title of a Blaxploitation movie written by a 50-year-old white banker.

10. Skeleton

This event is idiotic. It's a headfirst luge. Golf hasn't been in the Olympics in 70 or 80 years, and this is? There are probably fewer than 500 people in the world who would do this. I think all skeleton competitors are on suicide watch. People call suicide helplines and every now and then the Olympic committee answers and says, "What are doing in February?" People who do this shouldn't be given medals. They should be given hugs.

9. Biathlon

Seinfeld has a great joke about this. You ski and shoot a gun. Arbitrary. Seinfeld said, "What's next? Swim 50 meters, then strangle a guy?" If they took the shooting out of the equation, and it was just cross-country skiing, fine. That's legit. But when you mix events with activities, you get complicated activities. How about cross-country skiing, then downhill or slalom? Oh, you're too tired from all the cross-country skiing to let gravity drag you down a hill. Look at the Summer Olympics guys. Decathlons and shit. Come on. Oh, you have a gun? I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. No, I've always thought you were a nice guy. Put the gun down.

8. Archery

This a high-skill event. I'll actually call it an event, instead of a game. Militaries used to be based on this skill. I'm guessing that hitting a target from a long distance is just as hard as hitting a home run or a perfect tee-shot. But at the same time, how many archers are there in the world? The Olympic trials are probably held at people's houses. "This year, we have Freddy, Steve and Bill... What's that? Oh, I guess Bill isn't doing it. He's just hanging out. Looks like Great Britain is down to two archers. You guys wanna be in the Olympics?" Also, you can be 500 pounds and still arch (it's a verb now). You can't be a 500 pound Olympian.

7. Badminton

Nothing that I used to play with my grandma while wearing a blouse and slacks should be in the Olympics. Her, not me. She wore the blouse and slacks. I'm more of a tube-top/skirt guy.

I've seen Olympic badminton. They're definitely better than my grandma was. Still. You're hitting something that is designed create drag so it doesn't go too fast. You're telling me the skeleton guys are putting their lives on the line, and you're gonna put a governor on your birdie/shuttlecock (either embarrasing term will do)? It's basically slow tennis with teams. Rubbish.

6. Table Tennis

Don't expect me to disrespect table tennis. It's my favorite GAME. But where do games belong? In the basement, not the Olympics.

I'll be honest. It was hard for me to include this. There are more Asians than white people in my immediate family. So I play a mean game of table tennis. Seriously, I would crush you in table tennis. No contest. Guaranteed. That said, every time I've played table tennis, it has been in a basement, not a gym. They may as well put foosball in the Olympics.

5. Equestrian

Who gets the medal? The horse or the jockey? If it's the horse, fine. It's legit. If it's the jockey, bullshit. For the horse, it's an event. For the jockey, it's a game at best. At worst, it's a means for transportation. Anything where a requirement for the "athlete" is to not get taller than five feet should be excluded from the Olympics. Unless the Olympics brings back midget wrestling.

4. Shooting

Are you fucking serious, Olympic Committee? You're giving medals for shooting a gun? That's an athletic event? No, it's an activity. The fact that we never see Southerners in this competition does make me worry less about the Tea Party Movement. They may have guns, but apparently the Swiss are better at shooting them. Whose side would the Swiss take? The side that wants universal health care or the side that demonizes the president by saying he wants to turn the country into Switzerland.

3. Tug of War (1900-1920)

It's no longer in the Olympics, but it was for six Olympiads. The only reason this isn't number one it because it does require some physical conditioning. However, anything that is regularly upstaged by the three-legged race at elementary school field days doesn't deserve a spot at the Olympics.

2. Ice Dancing

If abortion is half as bad as ice dancing, then I understand what the whole Right to Life campaign is about. This is absolutely pathetic. My girlfriend and I have seen a combined two hours of this garbage. The only thing she's getting from it is the fact that it's the Olympics. All I'm getting out of it is laughs at their stupid costumes and the hope that someone is gonna do the Harlem Shake. A Russian team did a dance while pretending to be Aborigines. I'm pretty sure it was really offensive.

How did it get in the Olympics? Dancing isn't in. Do you just add ice and you're in the Olympics? If so, someone should create Ice Masturbating just to see what the Olympic Committee does with it.

Who gets involved in ice dancing? They like ice skates, but don't want to deal with the athleticism involved in figure skating. I think the mentality is, "I want to dance, but I also want to pay a skate rental fee."

1. Curling

Curling is absurd. You slide a granite thing across ice. Then people brush the ice in front of it. Obviously, this isn't a sport or event. I wouldn't even call it a game or activity. It ranks below activities, along with watching American Idol and making your bed every day, in a category I like to call "Waste of Time."

It's the only "event" in which age and physical conditioning are completely irrelevant. Four years ago, a woman who was really pregnant did it. Half the people I've seen this year would have a chance at getting on The Biggest Loser. And most seem to be in the 30-45 age range, suggesting not that it's a game where you peak late, but one that people take up when they've given up at all other aspects of life. If I'm 50-years-old, bored and decide that I want to be in the Olympics, I'll start curling. Without curling, no one over the age of 40 could have Olympic dreams.

The end.

Jersey Shore Wrap-Up

2010-01-25T10:35:00.002-05:00

This has nothing to do with anything here, but I just remembered a great line from the original UK series of The Office. If you aren't familiar with the episode, this isn't going to make sense, but if you know what I'm talking about, then you're welcome for the reminder. "I prefer flan."

And now the time has come for Jersey Shore to steal more of my time.

After the premier episode, I was hooked and wrote the following recap: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/12/mtv-has-done-it-again.html

Check out the comments. They range from loving my synopsis to scorn.

This is the only show of the past few years, other than LOST, that I've made sure to watch each episode immediately. And here's the thing: I don't even like the show. But I love it. It's like an abusive relationship. I hate everything about it, but I keep coming back for more because I love something about it. Something these people could be, or something. I don't know what it is. Now I understand why Whitney kept going back to Bobby.

This show does nothing good for me. I have real work that I need to be doing right now. Work that actually matters and will have major bearing on my career. But this show has fucked up my priorities. I'm doing this instead. Normally, before going to sleep, I read and sometimes do Adobe AfterEffects tutorials. You know what I did last night? I spent 30 minutes reading about the body language of wolves, just in case. This fucking show stupefied me to the point that I thought I should prepare myself for a violent encounter with a wolf. I can't imagine what I would do with my time if I watched them "beat the beat back" one more time. Maybe a tattoo of a Hyundai logo, or a membership to a tanning salon. Fuck. Ryan, get yourself together.

I'm happy and sad that the show is over. I'm glad that I won't obsess about the show any more. But I'm sad that I may never again see Snooki ask if she should call 911 or Urgent Care to find out if Ronnie is in jail.

If you read my original write up, you know that I gave background on each character. It turned out that I nailed all of them to a T. So I'm going to give final thoughts on each one, and I'll be done with the show for good, or until they do another season next summer.

Angelina - I can't think of a more unlikeable character in the history of TV. Shrill, invasive, conniving, vain and jealous. These things combined to form a Voltron of cuntiness. Even if you're the type who is offended by the word "cunt," you aren't when it's used to describe this bag of filth, who appropriately carried her belongings in trash bags. Whenever a guy brought a girl back to the house, she was quicker than a Minuteman to block. She would just go up to these girls, call them bitches and make them leave. Ted Alexandro has a great joke where he says, "I've never hit a woman, but I have been in situations where I've thought, 'Oh, this is when some men hit women.'" That's what Angelina made me think of. Her objections to bringing girls over: They weren't "classy," and it showed "disrespect" on the part of the guys. I soon discovered that "classiness" and "respect" are the key Guido virtues, although only one person in the house actually knew the meaning of those words. Angelina was booted from the house on the third day for refusing to work 12 hours per week, hawking beach t-shirts. She didn't want to work because her married boyfriend was mad at her. She said, "I don't see him [as married]. I just see it as he's in a bad relationship." He just needs to break up with his wife, she thinks. I think I said it in the initial recap; To these people, life is like kids playing house. They don't understand anything.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 1

I'll take the over. I bet she got two as gifts, but doesn't wear them because the dragon skulls aren't pretty enough for her.

J-Woww - J-Woww is a hot mess. She might be schizophrenic, or at least a sociopath. She looks like a homeless prostitute. She's either the smartest or second smartest in the house. She has fits of rage where she wants to fight everything. She cheats on her boyfriend then watches the video and says she didn't cheat on her boyfriend (goes back to the old "no penetration rule"). She's incredibly manipulative. Her boyfriend didn't seem like a huge toolbox when he appeared in one episode, but he knows she's cheating on him regularly, yet he continues to buy her new Ed Hardy shirts at her beck and call.

J-Woww's best moment was in one of the last episodes. The Situation was making out with a girl in a club, who had made out with Vinny seconds earlier. J-Woww threw up in the bathroom and wanted The Situation to walk her upstairs to their suite. It was a ridiculous request, so The Situation refused. Then J-Woww threatened to fight the girl that he was making out with. She didn't. Instead, she elected to hit The Situation and get kicked out of the club. When The Situation returned to the suite, he was greeted with a J-Woww, Double-Dragon style, back-hand to the mouth. Even though everyone wanted The Situation to get hit in the mouth, the circumstances surrounding it made me think back to Ted Alexandro's joke.

J-Woww is the type of girl who would tell someone to suck her dick, causing everyone within an earshot to stop what they're doing and cringe.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 7

Over, again. She seems like the type of girl who would insist on drinking Ed Hardy wine (it exists), because "I'm a classy broad."

The Situation - In my initial write-up, I said that he should have his own TV network. I stand by that statement. After the pilot, my roommate Al, and I agreed that The Situation is the perfect Guido. He's the leader. He's not the smartest by any means. He's probably the second dumbest. But he has being a Guido down. He's perfect. G-T-L. That's how he starts every morning. Gym, tanning, laundry. All three are related to vanity. I understand going to the gym in the morning since he's a personal trainer, plus working out in the morning wakes you up. But tanning every day in a tanning bed when you literally live on the beach? 1) The FDA just announced that tanning beds are the easiest way to get cancer. 2) The guy is 28 and looks 45. Stay in the shade, bro (That's what he and I call each other). And laundry every day. Does he not realize that you can drop everything off at once?

The Situation made out with Snookie, which he said was fine. But he said he couldn't have sex with her because, "She's like my sister." You can make out with your sister, but everything goes back to the No Penetration Rule.

Al thinks that if The Situation had a smart wing-man, he would be unstoppable. I think Al is right.

I don't know what else to write about his. I would have to start a separate blog dedicated to The Situation in order to capture his essence. You have to watch in order to get it.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 30

This is a tough one. I can't place a bet. I'm sure he's owned at least 30, but as Sean Gabbert and I were saying last night, he probably goes through them like toothpicks. I bet he'll only wear them the month they came out. After that, they're his sweat towels at the gym.

Snooki/Snicks/Snooks/Snickuz - Snooks might be the dumbest person on Earth. She was shown a picture of Joe Biden and asked who it is. She said, "Vice President." Good job. And what's the Vice President's name? "Krone." Vice President Krone. She was asked, "When Reagan said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,' to what was he referring?" She responded, "The Denver Dam."

In the early episodes, we saw that she was late to work because she couldn't find the store. We also saw that she couldn't find her house one night when trying to get a guy named Ron, who she called Russ, to come home and sleep with her. Later, in the fourth or fifth episode, we learned that their house was on the boardwalk, and the store was in the front of the house. All they had to do was walk around to the front of the house. So, she couldn't figure out how to get to the front of her house. And she couldn't find her house even though it's on the boardwalk. There are no turns. You just walk and stop when you get to it.

She was talking to a guy who wore a cowboy hat and instinctively asked, "Do you own a farm?"

Their duck phone warped due to condensation, as J-Woww correctly told her. Snickers doesn't understand words and insisted that the phone didn't warp. No. It "morphed." The phone morphed.

The Situation brought three girls to the house and needed Snookers to block two of them. Anyone with a brain knows that those instructions meant she should occupy their time. Did Snicks understand that? Nope. Instead, as soon as they arrived, she said something to the effect of, "You two need to fuckin' leave. You can stay, but you other two sluts have to go." This earned her a solid punch to the jaw.

She also got punched by a man, in the scene that made this show famous. There's no excuse for a man to hit a woman, or for anyone to hit anyone, but when you're getting punched on the regular, you have to ask if you're a victim or a provocateur. The day after the guy punched her, she and J-Woww sat at a bar with five drinks each. Snooks couldn't open her mouth, and mumbled, "Why does this shit always happen to me?" It was one of my favorite moments of the series.

In the last episode, she spoke of how, out of boredom, she started an impromptu dance party on the boardwalk, with which the passers-by were enamoured. The footage showed that everyone was horrified because she was dancing to no music like she was on E.

She calls herself The Princess of Poughkeepsie. This is why monarchies are never a good idea.

Snicks has the mental capacity of an 8-year-old. Nothing else to say.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 6

I'll take the under. I think she has 4, but doesn't wear them because they aren't tight enough to reveal her physique.

DJ Pauly D - He seems like the type of guy who would confide in you that he's never been to school. He's really ignorant, but I think he has the capacity to not be an idiot. He's primarily just a huge douche. He has a 3' tattoo that says Cadillac. I think he has a Cadillac logo on his back as well. I could be wrong about that though. That said, I think he seems like an alright guy. He's not an asshole at all. He didn't try to get into fights. He wasn't creepy. He was just a huge douche. But a huge douche who would probably be fun to hang out with.

His best moment came when a Jewish girl stalked him. She asked him to go to the Holy Land with her. He responded, "I'm Catholic. You're people hate my people." WHAT???? He repeatedly said things like that about Judaism, sounding like someone talking about AIDS in 1982. No malice, but also no information.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 40

I bet Pauly has a separate room for his Ed Hardy shirts. He deejays six night per week. This guy owns everything Christian Audigier has ever made.

Ronnie - First rule of the Jersey Shore: "Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore." Oops. Ronnie, you broke your one and only rule. Ronnie is a good guy, I think. Not the brightest guy, but worlds ahead of The Situation, Snikkers and Pauly D. He seemed really nice. I could watch him dance for hours on end. He looked like he was having seizures and knew how to use them to his advantage. His only problem is that he has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. He never picked fights, but he did have points of no return, where if someone was talking shit to him, he would say "Enough," and knock them out. Also, he and Sammi would have a group cry daily.

Great moment: A guy was talking shit to all of them. They ignored it for a few minutes, as the asshole followed them down the street. Finally, Ronnie and his 'roid-rage had enough. He ran down the street, off-camera. Seconds later, he re-appeared, skipping down the street, joyously proclaiming, "One shot. That's one shot, bro." He was skipping as if he didn't realize he had done something bad. Cut to the guy he punched. The guy looked dead. Cops showed up. The Jersey Shore cast acted like nothing happened. Then a cop yelled, "Hey, Ronnie, come here." They knew his name.

Best quote of the entire series: "Sammi, I can't believe I even put you in the equation. I mean you... in the equation."

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 15

With Sean Gabbert's advice, I'll take the under. He pointed out that Ronnie probably has about five and wears them over and over. I think he's right. I also think that every time Ronnie pulls one out, he holds it up to the light and says, "This is my favorite one."

Sammi Sweetheart - Sammi is awful. She is the prototype of a terrible person. She doesn't seem dumb at all. She might even be pretty smart. But she has the emotional intelligence of an 8th-grader. She cries, lies, manipulates, makes every situation about herself and is incredibly jealous. Ronnie shouldn't have fallen for her crap. She did two things that he should have seen through.

1) She was very jealous. If Ronnie ordered a sandwich from a female cashier, she would think Ronnie was fucking her. People who are jealous like that are that way because they actually do what they accuse their partner of doing. Huge red flag.

2) I think this is what made her smart. Karl Rove changed politics (I'm not praising Karl Rove) with a new style of political branding. The first thing he would do in his races is establish his opponent's strengths as his weaknesses, and say that his own weaknesses were his strengths. So Sammi branded Ronnie as a cheater, and herself as a "Sweetheart."

She is a miserable person. It was great to see Ronnie break up with her on the reunion show. She seems like the type of person who would overreact to something and her mom would say, "Now Sammi, don't cry over spilled milk." And Sammi would shoot back, "But I want milk." Self-centered seaward.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 4

Under. I don't think she's into that stuff. Her only redeeming quality.

Vinny - Like I said in the first one, Vinny is a normal guy who didn't realize what he was getting himself into. I would hang out with Vinny.

Funniest moment for Vinny: He was at a bar and met an older woman. He didn't realize she came to the bar with his boss. He took her home. After they had already made out a little, he discovered this. He decided that the damage had already been done, so he said fuck it and kept going. Not only did the boss not care, but Vinny kept seeing her. That's boss, son.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 4

Under, definitely. I think he has two. He bought one, thinking, "This looks ridiculous." Then his mom saw his shirt while doing his laundry and thought he loved it, so she bought him another one. Then she cut his steak for him.

I've been to a similar place on the Jersey Shore, called Wildwood. I spent two strange days there. While throwing a football on the beach, I cut my foot on a broken piece of glass. It's that kind of beach. Here's a video from Wildwood. Enjoy. It seems like the Wild West.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

2010-01-11T14:40:00.003-05:00

(Don't worry, this isn't going to be really serious.)

I'm a news junkie. I go to about 15 sites a few times a day for news. The sites range all across the political spectrum, and covers newspapers, blogs, and traditional news sites like BBC and CNN. About a year and a half ago, I had to banish Drudge Report after about 10 years of reading it regularly, because it turned into a site dedicated to proving that Obama is some sort of Kenyan-Muslim-Witch with a racist Christian spiritual mentor. It's absurd now.

Now Huffington Post is almost in the same boat. Not in the way that it's a leftist-ideologue site like Drudge is a right-wing ideologue site, but in that it's absurd. I like it because they cover some newsworthy subjects that receive little coverage in other outlets. But at the same time, someone like Ian Zeirring will have a column on North Korea on the front page. Last year, there was an article about how people with allergies need to embrace the things they're allergic to, and they'll no longer be allergic. The argument was mind over matter. "If you're allergic to pollen, climb a tree in the Spring... If you're allergic to apples, consume an entire orchard." Science says that either of these things would kill me. But Huffington Post says they'll make me stronger. Hmmm... I wonder which one to do.

The latest Huffington Post ridiculousness might be the straw that broke the camel's back. This headline has been on the front page for four days: Jonah Falcon, Man with World's Largest Penis, Unemployed in New York, while there is no news at all about Iran. A few things: They cite him as if someone says "Jonah Falcon," and we all think, "Oh, that's the guy with the..." And the headline mentions his huge penis as if it's a skill, and implies, "How could the biggest dick in the world not have a job? In New York, of all places? In Boston, sure. But how could the world's biggest dick not find work in New York, surrounded by such inferior dicks?" I've never been to a job interview where that's come up. If Jonah Falcon had the world's most Phd's and was unemployed, he could get some sympathy from me. But I'm not shedding a tear for someone with a 13.5" penis, and no college degree, who can't find a job. The headline might as well be, "Jonah Falcon, Man with World's Sharpest Elbows, Unemployed in New York." Good luck finding a job, Jonah, but everything about the story is irrelevant and nothing close to news.

I did read the story to try to figure out why it's posted on the Internet. I couldn't figure it out. But there was a funny quote from Jonah. A lot of people think, "Why doesn't he just do porn?" forgetting that penis size isn't the only obstacle preventing every guy from being a porn-star. It's also because some people don't know how to sign up. Jonah Falcon's reasoning for not doing porn is "Nobody would take me seriously. Nobody." That's hilarious. I'm picturing people turning it on, he whips it out, and everyone says, "This is ludicrous! Make it go away!"

Movie Recommendation

2010-01-05T12:46:00.002-05:00

If you're in the mood for mercenaries, Delta Force, a female Russian dissident turned CIA agent, Serbia, Chechnyan rebels, Tikrit, Russia, Al Qaeda, a deranged doctor, special effects that look like they were done in MS Paint, and vampire bats, all within an hour and a half span, I recommend to you "Bats: Human Harvest." Watch it in... confusion. I really had no idea of what was happening the whole time, but I do know this: It was worth it.

I've seen people write "WoW" over the past few years, and thought people were referring to Opie and Anthony's "Whip'em Out Wednesdays." Every time I saw WoW, I thought, "O and A are good, but WoW was like 10 years ago. Let it go." I just found out it stands for World of Warcraft. I lostmy geek card. I feel naked.

OMG, Funny Stuff on the Blog, LOL, Power Rankings, LMAO

2010-01-04T13:38:00.002-05:00

After typing the title of this blog, I realized the Power Rankings should be for most annoying chat acronyms. Oh well. Another day. But seriously, if you type "LOL," stop it. You aren't actually laughing out loud. We know you aren't, except for my friend Jay, who I've seen laugh out loud after reading a text. He can type LOL any time he wants. No one else.

The actual subject is terrible products in extended commercials and infomercials. So, it's either from an infomercial, or one of those commercials where about a minute and a half in, you think, "This is a long-ass commercial for electric socks. How can they afford this?" All of these products are completely useless, a scam, or there's a very common product that can replace them.

9. That guy who sells CDs on how to use Ebay.

This guy looks like an uncle who would show up every other Thanksgiving and talk to everyone about his recent "opportunities." He also probably brags about his marinade that "makes the juiciest pork tenderloin you'll ever eat."

Here's the scam: Buy my CD about how to use Ebay. So, you buy a CD. The CD instructs you to got to ebay.com. Once there, just click around. Now you're using EBay. It's ludicrous. He may as well be selling a CD that teaches people how to own a CD.

8. The 5- Hangers Thing or any other clothing space saver

This is the stupid product which prompted this Power Rankings. It's a thing which holds five hangers, which can then be cascaded vertically, saving you tons of closet space, according to the commercial. But I'm not sure how accurate the commercial is, because the closet in the commercial has about 20 bubble jackets in it. How about if you get rid of 19 of your bubble jackets? That's a free solution. You could even put them on EBay and make money off the jackets. But, how do you use Ebay? As a general rule, the best space saver is getting rid of shit. "But I need 14 yellow sweaters." The world doesn't need 14 yellow sweaters. I hope you like being lonely.

This might be the angriest Power Rankings yet.

7. Flavor Wave Turbo Oven

Twice, I have considered buying the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven. The first time was because Mr. T is the spokesperson, and the guy can sell. The second time was because I thought, "Hold on, I can cook that meal in 20 minutes?" Then I remembered that I already have an oven which could do the same in 30 minutes.

6. Mega Memory

This is a scam by a guy named Kevin Trudeau. Well, I remembered his name, so I guess it worked to some extent. Mega Memory is the only one on the list that I actually fell for and bought. And let me tell you, it's bullshit. The only thing it succeeds at is helping you remember, word-for-word, a stupid story that the program recites about 100 times. Then they say, "See, you have perfect memory recall now." No, you just told me the same shit 100 times.

Why did I buy Mega Memory and Mega Memory Advanced, you might ask? I was a sophomore in college and came up with a plan (the plan will not disclosed here, although I will state it did not involve a coup), which necessitated me memorizing the entire Constitution. The plan was stupid and it failed.

The essence of Mega Memory is "Hey, if you aren't completely stupid, you can remember something if someone says it to you over and over all day." No shit. Here's $80, Kevin Trudeau.

5. Flowbee

This one is patently absurd. I think their patent actually states that. Flowbee, U.S. (Absurd) Patent 3045987. It's a hair clipper that hooks up to your vacuum cleaner, thereby sucking your hair and cutting it. The only positive is there's no clean-up involved.

Now, I understand people trying to save money on haircuts. I have a few friends who cut their own hair. But they shave it. Perfectly understandable. But when I was a kid, if my parents wanted to cut my hair, and the choices were to let my mom go at it with scissors and no experience, or a fucking vacuum cleaner, I'm going with my mom every time. The thing about vacuum cleaners is they don't have eyes. They just suck and cut. Everything will be the same length, unless the vacuum cleaner is weak and only sucks certain strands, in which case you will look homeless and crazy. I have a really weird shaped head. There's a crest along the top from where my brain is so huge, it's looking for more space to accommodate it. I look like an alien when my head is shaved. But I'd shave my head before letting a Dirt Devil cut it.

4. Flirty Girl Fitness

Flirty Girl Fitness is a staple of MTV's four minute commercial breaks. It's a fitness program for girls who just wanna grind on something. That's all it is. They show girls, who are clearly on a legit work-out program, grinding on chairs, poles, whatever can be ground. And they're like, "This is all you have to do to be a hot-bodied Flirty Girl." How about if you just go for a jog for like 2 minutes. That would be more of a workout than six hours of chair grinding. Here's the slogan for my counter workout program: "Just go for a 10 minute run four or five times per week, and you'll be grinding animate objects in no time! Be the slut of your dreams!"

3. Girls Gone Wild

I will never understand the appeal of this series. Ron Francis has Jerry Seinfeld money just for going up to young sluts and saying, "Hey honey, show me them titties." He probably makes as much money as Howard Stern, sees about the same number of naked women at work, but doesn't have to have talent like Howard, or wake up at 3am. That's his basic career objective: "I want to be Howard Stern, except I don't want to be talented or have responsibilities. Basically, I'm trying to see some titties and get money." Notice that's Ron Francis saying "titties" over and over, not me.

It all boils down to this: Girls Gone Wild came out while the Internet was already thriving. The Internet is overflowing with actual porn that is free. So, it was already obsolete when it was introduced, but it's still making tons of money. It has to be the most well-marketed shitty product of the past 20 years. More-so than Tech-Vests? Yes.

2. Gold

Gold? Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, the price of gold is steady. But the commercials for gold are huge scams. It's usually right-wing mouthpieces who are in the commercials, speaking as if they're an unbiased commenter, while they have huge financial stakes in the company. "Hey, Darlene, Glenn Beck said we should trade our everything for gold... Yeah, we should do it. Has Glenn lied in the past?" Never trust a Glenn who has two N's in his name. If anyone ever tells you to invest in something because it's fool-proof and you'll make a ton of money, the only person who will be making money is the person trying to sell you on the idea.

The way it's a scam is, they hike their sale price to well over the market price for gold, which gives them an enormous commission. And you've paid an amount for your gold that you'll never be able to sell it for. Huge scam. If you're watching a show and a gold commercial comes on, turn it immediately. When a gold commercial airs, it means that the gold company thought, "Idiots will be watching this show." And you aren't an idiot, are you? Of course not.

1. Anything selling a book on how to make money

These are my favorites. You have to be half a 'tard to buy a book on how to make money with no effort. All of these books should be one sentence: "Write a book on how to get rich with no effort."

Updates...

2009-12-22T15:28:00.003-05:00

I've been pretty inactive on the blog and in doing stand-up over the past few months. While I've been relatively absent from those things, I've been very active working on other things. You'd be surprised at how good you can get at darts in only four months. Just kidding. Here's what has been going down:

-We finished shooting the Crucial Element series. We're in post-production now. The series is seven episodes. Episode 5 will be finished tonight. The entire series will be cut by Jan 1. Then we just have to adjust audio and do minor things to it. The target date for everything being completed is Feb 1. Then the series will be ready for whatever. We hope to pitch it to anyone who will listen/watch. It's really funny, and I think that anyone sharing a similar sense of humor will agree. Not only that, but the series' total runtime will be about 90 minutes. It also has the story arc of a film. I think that will make it even more interesting to people. It's essentially a film broken into seven chapters for people who have short attention spans. So, hopefully, we can get some sort of web deal for that.

- I've been writing essentially non-stop for several months now. Screenwriting is what I always wanted to do for years before I started stand-up. The reason I did stand-up, is because I wrote a full series when I was 21, and had some leftover ideas. I tried those ideas as stand-up and they worked.

Here's where I am now:

In the past few months, in addition to Crucial Element...

-I completed writing a pilot for a sit-com that I had been working on for about 7 years, writing and re-writing. I finally figured it out. The form and humor is very original and everyone I've sent it to has given great feedback. I'm just waiting for the CE final product, so I can pitch them together.

- I finished writing two short films. I like them both (one more than the othere) and want to shoot both of them. However, one necessitates guns and a large explosion. So, that one is on the back burner for now. The other short film is easily shootable right now. We'll probably shoot it in the Spring, since that's when it takes place.

-We have a short project that we plan on doing soon. I can't give out many details, but it's a quick thing that will have roughly six episodes. As soon as we finish CE, we'll get on this. The turnaround time will be very short.

-About 30 minutes ago, I finished writing my first feature length screenplay. Over the past nine years, I've started probably a dozen, but I abandoned all of them, because I didn't have the necessary perspective to write what I wanted to write. I've written probably around 40-50 teleplays, which are 25-40 pages each. But it's not the same as writing a screenplay. A comedy teleplay doesn't have to have the dramatic depth of a screenplay, so it's infinitely easier. My goal has never been to write a comedy with a story that works, but to write a good drama that is funny.

Three and a half years ago, I started script development on an idea with a company that handles development for a major studio. We weren't on the same page. They wanted something that I thought was formulaic. I wanted something that I wasn't able to write at the time. So, we stopped working together. After getting an idea for adjusting the story recently, I opened the script back up and went to work. I ended up completely changing it so that there are no resemblances to the original story whatsoever. The only thing that relates the two ideas is that one was a bridge to the other. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's like in stand-up, when you try to do something outside your established "style," you might suck at it for a while, but you have to do it and suck in order to figure out how to make it work. That's what I did with this, and I think I have finally written a good drama that is funny. Now, do you happen to have about $80,000 so I can shoot it?

Jim Morrison

2009-12-17T15:02:00.002-05:00

I can't think of anyone who is or was nearly as cool as Jim Morrison. Maybe Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson, but no one else comes close, that I can think of. The Doors are one of my favorite bands. Jim Morrison is one of my favorite singers and lyricists. But every now and then, between all of his genius, he would say something either completely bizarre or funny. Regardless of what was said, or how he said it, the same result was achieved: Women screamed and men nodded in the affirmative.

"You're all a bunch of fuckin' idiots."

He said this during an open part of a song at a live show. If anyone else had said it, people would have been at least slightly offended. But what happened when Jim said it? Women screamed and men nodded.

"Adolph Hitler is alive. I slept with her last night."

This is actually a poem of his called Adolph Hitler. It's on the box-set. Play it for anyone and their reaction is guaranteed to be a brief pause, followed by, "Hold on, what?"

"Who cares? We just did the Ed Sullivan show."

This is my favorite. The Doors were on the Ed Sullivan show, where they played Light My Fire. The producers told Jim he couldn't say "Girl we couldn't get much higher." He agreed to change the line. But the show was live and he sang the line anyway. After the performance, Ed Sullivan walked over and said, "You will never be on this show again." Jim responded, "Who cares? We just did the Ed Sullivan show."

"I don't know how many of you believe in astrology..."

"I do!" yelled a female audience member.

"I think it's a bunch of bullshit."

"Me too!" yelled the same female audience member.

This is the perfect example of rock-stars having mind control over people.

"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

Considering some of his decisions, he must have had some really bad haircuts.

"I don't remember my birth. It must have happened during one of my blackouts."

Genius.

You Two Should Link Up

2009-12-08T10:39:00.002-05:00

If you haven't read my synopsis of Jersey Shore, scroll down and read that first. There you go, scrolling and what-not. Nice job.

I grew up down the street from my friend Adrian. He's a cool guy. Fun to hang out with. And he is/was, we'll say, quirky. A few facts:

Several of us would play spades a couple times a week. Adrian's team would lose every single time. His team never won in about four years. But he never caught on. Everyone else knew. But he just thought he was having bad luck.

He tattered his t-shirt sleeves to look like The Ultimate Warrior. He would also ask at least once per week if we thought The Ultimate Warrior would be coming back soon. His question was met with blank stares every time.

He went to college with Quincy, my roommate and CE brethren. Their dorms had a front door and a back door. Every day for three years, Adrian would cut through Quincy's room to get to his room. No explanation.

Our favorite thing about him is his conversations. He starts every conversation with, "Like I was saying...," even if he hadn't been saying anything. One time, during college, I was hanging out at my friend Jay's house. Adrian walked in. I hadn't seen him in three years. As soon as he stepped in the door, he said, "Ryan, like I was saying, I told you about the Lakers. I don't know why you were doubting them."

"I wasn't doubting them. I don't... What are you talking about?"

"Jay, like I was saying, why are you scared to play me in Madden?"

He was as bad at Madden as he was at spades.

And his other conversation habit, which is the subject of this blog entry, was his tendency to try to get people to hang out together based on a random commonality. This is how a typical conversation would go. Adrian would start, "I just had a study group."

"Cool. What class?"

"Econ. There's this guy, Paul, in my group. He wears glasses like yours. You two should link up. You both wear glasses"

He was always looking for that link. It could be the smallest thing for two people to have in common, and he would suggest that you "link up." "You two both have noses. You should link up."

This past weekend, I was in my friend Craig's wedding. It was a good wedding and all that. But there were two peripheral characters who were killing me. I would like to see them with their own shows on The Situation Network (Read the Jersey Shore entry). It was a Catholic wedding. I told someone that and he said, "Isn't Craig black?" Yeah. "I've never heard of a black person having a Catholic wedding." Me either. His wife is Catholic, and white. Good point, someone.

The priest who officiated the wedding wasn't available for the rehearsal, so he had his buddy, Father Ralph, fill in. Father Ralph was gay. Not gay like a lot of other Catholic priests who barely set off a good gaydar. Father Ralph wasn't hiding anything. He was Perez Hilton gay, pushing Margaret Cho fan gay. He was as flamboyant as can be. It was spectacular. He was performing the whole time, "Now ladies, you're going to walk down the aisle like this," he said as he demonstrated a cat-walk strut, with arms shifting from side-to-side. "Just kidding," he interrupted himself with a giggle, "just walk normal and cute!" And the best line, "Now we have more groomsmen than brides-maids, so the last two ladies are going to get two guys each." Then he perked up, "Two guys each! LUCKY!!!!" Although I felt bad for him for having to suppress his identity because of the church (the church would say he's not gay, but someone who was raised by his mother), this sentence was the highlight of my weekend.

After the wedding, the photography began on the altar of the church. The photographer was Japanese. Craig is black, and all the groomsmen other than myself are black. I think the photographer wasn't used to photographing two things: Churches and black people. He was clueless to the whole reverence thing that is usually observed on church altars. And I think he got his impression of black culture from the one that was portrayed on TV during the 80s and 90s by white people.

While taking pictures of the girls, once again, on the altar, he said, "Okay, girls. Let's get sexy! Come on, show me sexy." It was awesome. Come on girls, show the crucifix a little more leg. Hike up that dress for the Lord.

While shooting the groomsmen with the bride, he had us do a straight-forward shot. Then he said, "Okay, now turn away from her." We thought that was odd. "Now, fold your arms and look away." We did it, but we weren't sure why. And we were sure it was a bad omen for future pictures.

The next sequence of photos would be one groomsman with Craig. We did a straight-forward shot, then a pose dictated by the photographer. First up: Jay. Jay looks just like Warren Sapp. It's irrelevant, but I like throwing it out there. They did their standard pose, facing the camera and smiling. Then they got instructions: "Turn away from each other and fold your arms. Look tough." At this point, I was standing next to Craig's brother Alan, who is an actual rocket scientist who creates synthetics to make spacecraft out of. Alan, disturbed, mumbled, "Are we in Run-DMC? What is... I'm... he better not ask me to do that." This is where the photographer's image of black people being constructed by 80s TV comes into play. He had this Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo image in his head, but the breakdown actually was: a rocket scientist, three programmers, an FBI lawyer, a small-business owner, and me. Craig has even been known to wear Cosby sweaters. When we saw the Run-DMC pose, we all decided we would preempt the photographer and tell him the pose should be a handshake. After a couple handshakes, Craig's other brother, Clay, was up. I guess he forgot about the planned preemptive strike, aka The Bush Doctrine. They did the standard picture. Then the photographer said, "You're brothers, right?" Yeah. "Okay, can you kiss or hug each other?" WHOOOOOAAAAA. Did not see that coming. Alan and I thought he actually asked them to "Kiss or rub each other." I'm not sure which is worse. Probably the rub. Craig and Clay politely declined to kiss and caress each other on the altar of brotherhood. And all I could think was "This guy and Father Ralph should link up."

MTV has done it again

2009-12-07T13:44:00.003-05:00

MTV has generally sucked for the past 13 years. But every now and then, they do something that is incredible. Scared Straight, 16 and Pregnant, and now Jersey Shore. I first saw an ad for the show a few months ago and thought it could be good. There was a line about fist-pumping, which gave me hope. Then MTV bills the show as featuring "the hottest, tannest Guidos in Jersey," or something like that. How can you not watch that? Even the Italian-American Association of NJ tried to get MTV to not air the show, which proves it's more of an expose than a reality show.

I've lived in NJ for three years now. The people on Jersey Shore are about 0.04% of the population, but that's all it takes. I used to go to a gym with these people. They take steroids and blow-dry their bodies in the locker room. I went to a certain beach in NJ that was full of them. I can testify that this show is real. It's not an MTV creation by any means. But just to be clear, only one member of the show is actually from NJ. Most are from Staten Island, but they all think the Jersey Shore is heaven on Earth. And that's how you know they're morons from the outset.

Now, onto the show...

Background:

Eight Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) live in a beach house for a summer. They work at a novelty t-shirt stand during the day, selling shirts that say things like, "Where's the G-Spot?" One girl pitched a shirt to a customer by yelling, "Hey, you like crosses?" That's what we're dealing with. I think The Real World is pathetic at this point. It's just young morons who want to be on TV. They're too young and dumb to realize what they're doing. Not the case on Jersey Shore. They are dumb, but they are anything but young. Some are around 30 years old, which makes it much more adorably pathetic.

Characters:

Angelina - I hate her so much. She's by far the worst person on the show. She constantly talks about how hot she is and how every other girl is a whore who doesn't respect herself. She is a blocker-extraordinaire. There really isn't much to her, except that she refuses to do any work at the t-shirt store because, as she said, "I'm better than this. I'm a bartender. I do great things."

Jenni aka J-WOWW - This train wreck introduces herself as J-WOWW. It's remarkable. She's also absolutely hideous. She accentuates her hideousness with breast implants, weird hair-dye and very slutty clothing. In two episodes which spanned three days, she cheated on her boyfriend twice. But if you asked her if she cheated, she would say no, because there was no penetration. I'm making none of this up.

Best J-WOWW quote: "Your penis is pierced. I like it. I saw your penis."

Mike aka The Situation - The Situation should get his own network. I could watch this guy live 24/7. My friend, Al, and I used to watch Big Brother After Dark on Showtime. After Dark didn't mean risque. It just meant it was late at night and the cameras were still on. There was no editing. We would just watch to see how long it would take until someone did something. One time, we watched for a half-hour and the only thing that happened was someone made a sandwich and cut their nails. I could watch The Situation make a sandwich and enjoy it. He refers to himself as The Situation. He says things like, "Ladies love The Situation. The Situation is good. And when you find yourself situated in The Situation, it will be a good situation." The best part of The Situation is that he looks like he has to be 40. If he's not, then I'm going to guess tanning beds aren't good for your skin. This guy is an entertainment powerhouse. That's all I can say.

Best The Situation quotes:

The first thing he said to a girl: "Hey girl, what's ya nickname?" As if everyone has a nickname. Of course, the girl did have a nickname. She was a Guidette.

To a random girl he greeted on the street with a kiss on the cheek, "Girl, you lookin' hot. Where you been at?"

Nicole aka Snooki - If J-WOWW is a trainwreck, Snooki is the aftermath of Hiroshima. She is easily the dumbest person to ever be on TV. She couldn't figure out how to use a phone. She hung up on someone five times on accident. The phone was shaped like a duck. Her excuse for hanging up on people, "Who buys a duck to use as a phone?" She's an attention and general whore. On the first night, she wanted people to focus on her, so she got into the hot-tub with the male roommates and tried to give them lap dances, while wearing her bra and thong. She did not have the body for these shenanigans. It looked like she was wearing a backpack. Snooki showed up about 30 minutes late to work on her first day. Her excuse: "I was in the bathroom."

After she said about two sentences, I couldn't prevent myself from saying, "That's the type of girl you donkey punch."

I asked my roommate what ethnicity Snooki is. He said, "Tanning bed." He was right.

In episode 3, which airs tonight, Snooki gets punched square in the face. Check your local listings.

Best Snooki quote:

Guy on phone: "Are you going to hang up on me again?"

Snooki: "No."

Snooki promptly sat the phone down, hanging it up on accident for the fifth time.

DJ PAULY D - This dude is very dumb and a huuuuge douche. He has orange skin, from the tanning bed in his house. He spikes his hair in the douchiest way I've ever seen hair spiked. And he's the top DJ in Rhode Island, which confuses me because he's the only thing I don't like about Rhode Island. He's the guy with the pierced penis. But, "Shh... don't tell nobody. They don't know about it." Oops. You signed the waiver, jackass. For the most part, Pauly was a background douche. Not very proactive with his douchiness. Except... they were at a bar and he punched a guy in the nose. Why, "The dude was looking at The Situation, and it was a situation that you don't put my boy in, so I blauuuwww, punched him in the face." I've never been in an adult fight. The closest has been shoving in soccer and basketball games. But somehow these people get into fights every night. I don't know what I'm doing right and they're doing wrong, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Punches hurt.

Best Pauly quote: "It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose."

Ronnie - Although he says he's The Bronx's Finest, for the sake of The Bronx, I hope he's wrong. This dude is enormous and refuses to wear shirts. People need to see his muscled-up physique and actual-size crucifix tattoo. He doesn't really contribute much except general stupidity. He just sits there and looks dumb. He looks like a henchman from a movie. No make-up needed. Just put a shirt on him and roll cameras.

Best Ronnie quote: N/A

Sammi aka "Sweetheart" - Although Sweetheart is her nickname, occasionally she says things like, "That's why they call me Sammi Sweetheart." She goes by both names. She is easily the biggest slut in the house. She made out with two guys in the house in about 10 minutes, then inexplicably turned on The Situation like when Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Janetty through the barber shop window. I was stuck there, asking, "Where did that come from?" This is the type of person who you want to be miserable, but you know she's too stupid to ever be miserable.

Best Sammi Sweetheart quote: "Yeah, I hooked up with you and Ronnie. So? Ronnie's hot."

Vinny - I don't have a bad word to say about Vinny. He's okay in my book. I chalk him being on the show up to him just turning 21. He's not dumb, and has self-respect. The only knocks on him are: sunglasses at night, and according to my friend, Erin, his mother cuts his meat for him.

Best Vinny Quote: Three girls came over. The Situation asked if they wanted to get in the hot tub. They responded that they didn't have swimsuits. Vinny to the rescue: "Oh, that's perfect. That's great. It's actually better that way."

Twitter

2009-11-19T12:15:00.001-05:00

Just letting you know that if you're on Twitter, so am I. My page is twitter.com/rccoomedy

Tales from Chinaland, Part Something: Vengeance!

2009-11-16T12:07:00.002-05:00

I'm not a fan of routine. At the same time, I'm not into being crazy. I like experiencing new things as much as possible. But not if they're dangerous or fit a certain class of crime... SHANGHAI!

That was the trailer for this entry.

While in a foreign place, I used to forget that what's normal for there isn't necessarily normal for the United States, the place where I live. I toured Western Europe right before my senior year of high school with an orchestra. A perfect storm occurred while there: My dad gave me a credit card with a higher limit than I currently have. My sense of fashion norms were heavily skewed after about a week in Europe. The orchestra didn't allow us to wear jeans. And lastly, Billy Corgan wore silver pants at the time. All these things caused me to buy clothes and dress like a douche for a while. Maybe not a douche, but something. We'll say I dressed with oblivious self-confidence. I bought a pair of shiny silver pants. I bought a pair of shiny blue Diesel pants, because I knew the name Diesel due to them providing Chris Hardwick's wardrobe on Singled Out. I also bought a weird black, purple, and lime green Versace shirt. How do you top that? Why, with a black, red and white Versace jacket. I wore these things regularly for about a year. I would often wear them with royal blue Nike Foamposites. I looked like a clown. Like a gay/European clown.

Over the years, I've become more aware of these things. I still wear wolf shirts regularly, and an American Standard shirt that says, "Proud to be plunger-free," but nothing is shiny. So, when I was in China, I was ready for it. I wouldn't fall victim to any goofy-ass clothes. For the most part, Chinese people wear the exact same things we wear here. But whenever I entered a store, I would instantly be accosted by a salesperson claiming to have the perfect shirt for me. "My friend, I have super deal for you. Beautiful shirt. You like very much."

It would a mess of purple, orange, forest green, brown and hot pink, with a panda riding a dragon.

"My friend, the panda bring you friendship, and the dragon bring you much prosperity."

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it will bring me ridicule and regret as well. The friendship and prosperity is just a theory. I'd put money on ridicule and regret. I'm gonna pass.

A common theme in Shanghai was "This place is crazy. Do crazy stuff." I am not a huge fan of crazy stuff, mainly because I know the meaning of the word crazy. I was invited to "the only legal hash bar in China." Not going. The fact that it's the only legal hash bar means that it's not a legal hash bar. They're either paying off the police, or they haven't been caught yet. No thanks.

A guy I hung out with a lot there said, "Anything that can be done, is done in Shanghai." I don't think that's a reference to dreams coming true. I think it's more, "You wouldn't believe where your fist would fit for only $10." No thank you. I'll just eat some noodles.

This is one of the best music videos you will ever see.

2009-11-10T14:30:00.001-05:00

I Say Fever, by Ramona Falls

China Part 5: Things Happened!

2009-11-10T13:03:00.002-05:00

Before the China stuff, I just need to state something for the record. Yesterday, I played a full-court basketball game and made one of the most impressive defensive plays of my life. The best player on the other team beat his man and was going in for a lay-up. I came from the weak side, and while he was in the air with the ball extended, with both hands, I took the ball from him like it was a hand-off. He was humiliated. If you don't play basketball, that means nothing to you. I you do play basketball, you still don't care. Some things just need to be put out there.

CHINESE

I don't go to clubs. Before going to China, I had been to one club in my life. That was in Madrid. I've written about it here on my blog. It was the night I hit rock-bottom, and I won't mention it again.

I don't go to clubs for several reasons:

1. I don't dance.

2. I don't go to places that charge covers. Why should anyone have to pay just to be in a building when other buildings don't charge? It's insane.

3. People who go to clubs annoy me. Not all of them, but you know what I mean.

4. I don't like loud places, unless it's a concert.

5. I don't like being surrounded by drunk people, unless they're my friends.

6. I don't go to places that have a dress-code.

7. I don't like club/danceable music.

8. I don't like being overcharged for drinks.

9. Conversation is my forte, so I don't like being in places that aren't conducive to conversations.

About nine years ago, after talking about clubs with my friend, Travode, I put in an Otis Redding CD, and Travode said, "You're like a 50-year-old black man." I froze for a second, then couldn't refute it.

Despite the nine huge strikes, I still went to a club in Beijing. After one of the shows, a group of audience members asked if I wanted to join them at a place called "Bling." They said they "have a table." Negative. I will never go to a place called Bling, no matter what country it's in. And I will never pay a fee to sit at a table at any point in my life. Then the people who put on the show invited me to a bar with them. It was a quiet little bar. Very fun. $2 beers. Quiet enough to talk without yelling. Then I was told that I should go to a club called "Mixx" to observe what a Chinese club is like. The people who invited me were cool and not clubbers by any means. They said it's really funny to watch people at clubs. I agreed to go.

The club shared a parking lot with one of the Olympic stadiums. Across the lot from Mixx, was a club whose name I can't remember, but it rhymes with Mixx. The adjacent club also had an Outback Steakhouse in it, which was very confusing.

We entered the club and payed the cover, which was about $8 USD. The place was madness. Rap and Latin music was blaring. Some new stuff that was horrible, and some old stuff that was equally as horrible, like Kriss-Kross. Now, onto the differences...

1. American djs have headphones on and look like they're into the music the whole time. This dj stood completely upright, stoic, and calmly clicked a mouse. Now I have the phrase, "He looked like a communist dj," at my disposal.

2. Girls at American clubs take dancing very seriously (Keep in mind that I've never been to an American club, but I have seen The Real World). Most look like they know what they're doing. It may look like a variation of a standing dry-hump, but it's coordinated and looks rehearsed. And for a bit of positive racism: every Latin person I've ever seen dance clearly knows what they're doing. In China, there are two dances. If you're a "good" dancer, you stand on the stage and dance for all to see. They think they look like girls in rap videos. But in reality, everyone looked like they were doing different incantations of the robot. That was worth the price of admission. The other dance was far better. I call it The Standard. The guys I went to the club with, and I, stood in the middle of the dance floor, none of us dancing, to get a better view of what was going on. We were surrounded by The Standard. Guys looked like they were drunk and struggling to stand up. It may have been a dance. They may have actually been trying to stand up. The girls did the funniest dance I've ever seen. With a stiff torso and limp arms, they jogged in place. Every girl there! With every step, the limp arms would swing slightly. All this was done with a huge smile on their faces. I can't imagine dancing with someone when that's their go-to move. It seems like you would just be racking up Charlie Horses as their knees slam into your legs. "This is so much fun. Do you have any ice?"

3. There were a lot of Eastern European guys there too. I couldn't tell if most of them were gay, or it was just cultural differences.

4. A guy passed out on the sidewalk next to me as I went outside for fresh air. I turned to look at him and foam was bubbling from his mouth. Security did the right thing and carried him to the edge of the building where they dropped him. Eventually an ambulance came.

5. I wore jeans, a green t-shirt, and grey New Balances, and I had no trouble getting in. That could never happen at an American club.

6. No fights. I didn't even see an argument. Everyone seemed really friendly, whereas I think about 10% of Americans go to clubs hoping they'll get into a fight.

The next day, I went to Forbidden City and a really good Thai Restaurant, and the club experience was forgotten.

Guy almost died.

Race Surprises

2009-11-06T12:57:00.002-05:00

There are a few singers whose races I was wrong about until I was at least 25. There are probably more that I have wrong, but I don't know how to find that info. Danny Rouhier suggested I search for "race surprises," but all the results pertained to horses and politics. Here are the big four. If you knew the races of all four of these guys, then you are probably a liar.

1. Dan Hartman - I Can Dream About You

I would have put all of my possessions on this song being by a white guy.

2. Peter Frampton - Peter Frampton is somehow white. I actually thought he was Jamaican. This is another one that I would have put money on 10 years ago.

3. Billy Ocean - Get Out of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)

I still can't believe Billy Ocean isn't white. His name is Billy Ocean. It's like Bill Simmons' Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. This is like if someone told me David Ruffin (Temptations) was white.

4. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up

This song prompted the list. It was on one night in Arlington about 4 years ago that Danny Rouhier told me Astley is white and Billy Ocean and Dan Hartman are black. It reversed my brain. I could not believe it. I was wrong on all three. Not only is Rick Astley white, but he's also British. How do I process that?

Bonus: Milli Vanilli: The guys who actually sang their studio tracks were white, which just adds confusion to the whole thing.

China Part 4: To Be Continued

2009-11-05T12:08:00.002-05:00

You are so fucking lucky. Initially, I wrote a paragraph about how my rent is going up, so I'm moving. You can thank me for deleting that paragraph and replacing it with these three boring sentences.

China.

This is a small one, but there's something about an airplane that makes a man order tomato juice. I don't know what it is, but every time I'm on a plane I start jonesing for it. This time, so many people had my condition that on the first beverage cart trip, they ran out of tomato juice before they got to me. The entire row in front of me and my entire row asked for it. If you're a sociologist, can you please study this? Note that I have never desired tomato juice while standing on the Earth.

I probably have 30 China-related stories to relay. This is one from the flight to China. At each seat, we had a screen where we could watch any of 400 movies and 100 TV shows. I decided that 18 hours captive on a loud plain was a great time to watch some great movies. I've had this problem over the years that I don't know classic movies. I know Citizen Kane and Casablanca, and movies like that. But I don't know the ones that people reference on a daily basis. I have a friend who references The Godfather and Scarface all the time. I have no idea of what he's talking about. Others quote Pulp Fiction. Hadn't seen it. On the other hand, I've seen:

-Roadhouse at least 10 times.

-Guns x6

-Enemy Gold x4

-The Dallas Connection x3

-Picasso Trigger x3

-Boxing Helena x6

-American Ninja Parts 1-4 x4 or 5

So, I watch a lot of movies, just not the good ones. With any kind of art, other than music, I prefer the shittiest each genre has to offer. I love great movies and TV shows as well. But I get bored when something is just okay or pretty good. So, if it's not great, it better be awful.

On this flight, I decided to watch all the greats. Then I would be able to have conversations with people. I started with Pulp Fiction. Wow, what a great movie. I can't believe I hadn't seen it for 10 years. It's ridiculous. I saw Inglorious Basterds before I saw Pulp Fiction. There's no excuse for that.

Others that I wanted to see include: The Godfather Trilogy, Chinatown, Taxi Driver, The Pianist and A Beautiful Mind.

Those all seemed a little heavy for after Pulp Fiction, so I decided to watch something that had won a lot of awards, but was light. I chose Sideways. It was a really entertaining movie. Not great, but good enough for me to enjoy it. However, there was one big problem. At the beginning of the movie, a message came up that said the film had been modified to fit the screen, et cetera. The same message came up for Pulp Fiction, but none of the dialogue was changed, and there was a scene that would have been really uncomfortable to watch if a kid was sitting next to me. I wasn't bothered by the message.

During the first scene, Paul Giamatti (Giamatti from now on) said, "Oh, fiddlesticks." I thought, "Hmm, that's odd. Maybe he's being ironic. Or, the character is a teacher. Maybe he's really like that." Eventually, I discovered that wasn't the case, and I was watching a TV edit with terrible dubs. There was actually white noise in the background when there was a dub. I still muscled through and watched the whole movie, changing the dialogue in my head. Here is some sample dialogue, followed by what I assume was the original dialogue.

Thomas Hayden Church (Wings from now on) and Giamatti were sitting in a diner when Wings said, "I'm gonna get you loved on this trip. Shut the flip up. I'm gonna get you loved." That's when I knew it was a TV edit. The original dialogue was obviously, "I'm gonna get you lovin' this cock. Shut the flip top. I'm gonna get inside you." No dude on dude rape threats on flights. Kids are on flights.

After Wings had sex with a woman, he told Giamatti about the experience. Wings: "This girl talks different. She talks like an animal." Clearly that was originally, "This girl talks different. She talks like a deaf person." Not an animal. We can't say "deaf person" when kids are watching.

I forgot who said the line, but I think Wings said it to Giamatti: "Your father was a flobbin' tuna fish." The original line had to be cut, it was so perverted. It was originally, "My father was a flobbin' tuna fish."

The best edit was when Wings said to the guy who played the comic book creator in that other movie, "Don't you want to feel that crazy little fox sniffing around your gravy pipe?" This one, I can't even tell if it was an edit. That was horrible grammar. Anyway, it sounds as vulgar as anything can sound. I'm guessing the original was something like, "Hey, I tried this thing where I put cornbread on my ass and have the deaf-sounding girl put gravy on it. My father would never do that. He was a flobbin' tuna fish. Dude, either way, I'm gonna get inside you and you're gonna love this cock." But you can't say that on a plane.

I haven't seen the original version of Sideways, but I think I did a pretty good job of guessing the dialogue.

Another good edit was Snakes on a Plane. Sam Jackson's famous, "I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane," was changed to "I've had it with these monkey-fightin' snakes on this Monday through Friday plane."

And, relating this to China... In China, the movie title was translated to Mid-Air Snake Emergency, which might be an even better name. Fun fact: Sam Jackson agreed to the movie when he heard the title. He knew it would be a shit fest. Then he was told that they would change to title to something like, Chaos in the Air. Sam responded, "Then I'm out. I didn't sign up for Chaos in the Air. I signed up for Snakes on a Plane."

He Must Have Been Terrified

2009-11-03T15:31:00.002-05:00

My roommates and I are looking for a new apartment. Yesterday, we checked out a place that we found on Craigslist. The guy I talked to wasn't going to be there, but he said his roommate would show us around. The guy's name is Sandeep, but he had no accent whatsoever. We arrived at the house and had to wait about 15 minutes for his roommate. When he arrived, he spoke very little English. He led us in and we walked around the bedrooms, tested the water pressure in the bathroom, asked questions about the closets, etc... As we were leaving, the guy asked in a heavy Indian accent, "And what was the purpose of this visit?" I guess he didn't communicate with Sandeep, because the guy didn't know why we were there. He thought we were just some people who followed him inside, walked around his apartment for a while, turned on the water, and left.