I coined a new phrase last night. "Meat-greedy." You can use it. If you're eating with friends or family members and someone gets more than their share of meat, start yelling "Meat-greedy! Meat-greedy!" and something will happen.
Before I did stand-up, for about 2-3 years, I wrote screenplays that no one else has read, and wrote several essays for my college newspaper. The excess of ideas that I couldn't use for these mediums became my early stand-up material. Last night, I found a list of ideas from 2001 that didn't make it to a script, essay or stand-up. Here are my favorites of them. In other words, here are the ideas that I'm not embarrassed about. I've included a few one or two word "ideas" that I thought I would remember, not realizing that I wouldn't look at the list again for seven years. For any incomplete idea, I've included an explanation.
Before the completely rejected ideas, here are some jokes from my first time on stage.
-real sex - This was actually my favorite early joke, although I only did it twice. It was about an episode of Real Sex, in which three finalists of a stripper pageant were asked the question, "If you had the power to be invisible, what would you do?" The first responded, "If I had the power to be invisible, I would help those that are less fortunate." Okay, that's a noble idea. However, you don't have to be invisible to help people. The fact that she thought that explains why she ended up being a stripper.
The second stripper said, "If I had the power to be invisible, I would fight all of the evil-doers in the world." Three thoughts on this. Who are these evil-doers? How is she going to battle them by being invisible? I don't think invisible lap dances are going to do the trick against Al-Qaeda. And her usage of "evil-doers" is great. It goes to show that while Bush might be a bad president, he would be a great invisible stripper. Maybe the invisible stripper mentality is what this country has been missing from its presidents.
The last stripper paused for a few seconds, as if she was going to let us in on a moment of stripper genius. But this is the drivel that cam out of her mouth. "If I had the power to be invisible... I would make myself un-invisible, because being invisible would be lonely." Then she raised her arms in the air, as if she had just won a marathon (Running a marathon while invisible would have been a better answer). But I think she missed the point of the question. You can only be invisible. You can't go back and forth.
I don't remember the end of this joke.
-Nervous…naked… This was the first thing I said, the first time I was on stage. I was so nervous, I probably shat 20 times that day, and couldn't eat for about three days prior to the show. I was shaking until I got on stage.
"I'm really nervous right now. My friend told me that if I get nervous, to picture the audience in their underwear. [Pause as I looked around] So, that's what I'm doing now, picturing all of you in your underwear. You're all in your underwear right now.[Look at attractive woman in audience]
Except you... you're naked. Which just makes me more nervous. Catch-22."
-Reincarnation lemonade - When a comic starts out, you can tell who his influences are. You could tell in my delivery that I was a Hedberg fan(which was a subconscious result of being so nervous), but my writing wasn't similar, except for this joke, and maybe one or two others.
"I don't believe in reincarnation. But if I did, I'd want to come back as lemonade. Because everyone likes lemonade. People will often start arguments with me, but never the case with lemonade. I've never heard anyone say, 'Fuck you lemonade. All you do is quench my thirst.' 'You refresh me, then you leave.' 'Hey lemonade, it's your baby.' And that's why I'd like to be reincarnated as lemonade."
-Dancing - I still do this joke occasionally, exactly as I did the first time on stage. Same goes for the war on drugs and anti-smoking jokes. Yes, I am bragging
-Pride Alliance
This was probably the dirtiest joke I ever wrote, hence why I only did it a couple times. It's also a bit too easy.
"I was walking through my campus when I saw a sign from an organization called the Pride Alliance, which read, "Gay: It's What's for Dinner." And I'm fine with gay pride organizations getting their message out. But don't pitch it to me like it's a meal. I've never seen the straight alliance put out signs that said, "Vagina: The Breakfast of Champions." Or "Clitoris: The Other Pink Meat."
-Condom Critic
The second dirtiest joke I ever wrote, and probably the easiest.
I was reading a men's magazine, that had a section of condom reviews. That has to be the best job in America; a condom critic. If you're a restaurant critic, sometimes you get a bad meal. If you're a condom critic, best-case scenario, you have sex, which also happens to be the worst-case scenario. "Not in the mood? But it's business sex. These reviews don't write themselves."
-Still naked
At some point, I would pause and look at the woman from the beginning of my set, and say, "Still naked."
-Cancer/BMW
A friend of mine has cancer. Her uncle invented the pop-top on cans and is rich from it. So he bought her a BMW to make her feel better. That's a nice gesture, but I think she would have preferred chemo. BMWs are nice cars, but unfortunately they don't do shit for leukemia.
I don't remember the end of this joke.
Above were all ideas that I did on stage at some point. The rest are ideas that never got fleshed out, most-likely because they weren't funny enough.
-Some friends and I were driving through DC late at night, on the prowl for hookers, so we could point at them and say, "There's a hooker." My friend John pointed at two women and yelled, "HOOKERS!"
I told him they weren't hookers.
"How do you know," he asked.
"Because hookers don't wear khaki."
Hookers don't wear khaki is one of my favorite lines ever. I just decided that it will be the title of my first CD, unless it's not.
-Being in the locker room of my gym is like being an extra in a gay porn.
-Women will never understand the appeal of lesbian porn.
-Bill Clinton and Allen Iverson went to the same college. That's hilarious.
-People say that every family has a criminal and a homosexual. My family doesn’t, however we do have two cowboys, which is even harder to explain to outsiders. (Now, I have a gay brother.)
-Prostitutes have a really difficult time getting a job once they left the life of street walking. Not a versatile resume. "I see on your resume that you were a hooker? And before that, you were a "straight ho"? Any other experience?"
-People say that when a fight breaks out, you find out who your friends are. Bullshit. When a fight breaks out, you find out who doesn’t want to get hit.
-I love Wal-Mart because it’s like a 7-11 outlet.
-My New Year's Resolution is to not get lupus. If you set your goals too high, then you just set yourself up to be let down.
-Potato famine joke that I refuse to reprint.
-Steam room story.
I don't remember the steam room story, but wish I did. I remember two naked dudes going into a steam room that I was in, and a really weird conversation taking place. But I don't remember the details.
-W.C. Fields jokes don’t work at frat parties.
-It is said that everyone has a special, unique talent. It is indescribably disappointing when you discover that your talent is that you can tell the exact moment when a pancake needs to be flipped.
-I saw a bullfight where the bull’s horns hit the ground and the bull did a flip. He got back up and kept fighting, but you could tell that he was crying on the inside.
-When you make a joke about rimjobs on your first date, that’s pretty much like saying, “you should stop talking to me and make fun of me to your friends.”
True story.
-When your weird roommate [who is a sophomore in college] invites a high school girl over, whom he met on the Internet, it is acceptable to fart on her so that she will leave and not be violated by your weird roommate.
You can put that on my tombstone.
-Why are there sign language interpreters at benefit concerts? Isn’t hearing a prerequisite for enjoying music?
-The concept is difficult to embrace, but it is possible to get a high ankle sprain at a party.
I don't remember this happening, but don't doubt that it did.
-Bugle Boy: what went wrong? One day they were on top of the middle-school fashion world. The next day they were used to wipe oil from people’s dipsticks. Never before have I witnessed such a fall from grace.
-The toilet needs to be redesigned.
I used to be very adamant about this. I don't recall my design ideas.
-I saw a commercial where a guy steals a girls phone number in a bar. How does he make that call? "Remember me from the bar? No, not the guy who asked for your number. I was three guys down…kind of had that stalker look."
-Men complain about marriage because they don’t want to lose their individuality. That must suck. But you have to look at the other side of the coin. How bad is it for women? They lose their name. They have had the same middle name all of their lives..but now..it’s gone. What if they went by their middle name all their life. Someone runs into them that hasn’t seen them in a while…"Sara…Sara…Sara…" Oh, I’m not Sara anymore. You can’t call me that. That was from the before time.
And those were my old jokes/ideas. I hope it was entertaining.
