Is the stuff you say on stage true?
No one has ever said a true thing on stage. My act is plagiarized from the back story of Jeff Goldblum’s Jurassic Park character.

What time is it?

Am I going to die?
Of course not.

Was I adopted?
Sure, why not.

What about North Korea?
Don’t feed them after midnight and make sure they don’t get wet.

Plate or platter?

Wait, did you confuse North Koreans with mogwais?
It’s possible. Which was that movie Gremlins about?

Then no.

What are you doing this weekend?
Not helping you move, so don’t ask.

Was there much traffic on the way here?
I’m getting bored.

Is your act clean?
I guess so but i hate it when I know I have to be clean. I usually say everyone but my mom thinks my act is clean.

Stand-up comic, writer, and has a textbook jump-shot.